Binge and Purge

I'm starting back on the South Beach diet today, which made me think of this sketch I wrote.


Inside a woman’s bathroom in a fancy restaurant. Two women stand in front of the mirror. One woman, CHRISTINA, is very thin, while the other, MAGGIE, is a little on the heavy side.

CHRISTINA (rubbing her belly)
Oh, I am so full! That cheese-stuffed Filet Minon was delicious.

MAGGIE (unenthused)
Yeah . . . my salad was really good, too. Very fresh asparagus.

CHRISTINA
And the twice-baked potato? Fabulous!

MAGGIE
I really liked my rice – I didn't even miss the butter.

CHRISTINA
But the cheesecake – I’m telling you, Maggie, there was an orgasm in my mouth with every bite. I could have eaten three pieces, but I didn’t want to seem like a pig in front of the boys.

MAGGIE
Christina, how do you do it?

CHRISTINA
Do what?

MAGGIE
Eat whatever you want and still fit into a size 2? I diet my ass off but it hangs on for dear life. What’s your secret?

Christina looks around, checks the stalls, and makes sure no one is listening.

CHRISTINA
Okay, Maggie, I'm going to let you in on a little secret I learned from Paris...

MAGGIE
France?

CHRISTINA
Hilton.

CUE SOFT PIANO MUSIC

CHRISTINA (singing slowly)
I tried diets and shakes,
aerobics and weights
And still my thighs were too wide

I tried to be good
but I always would
cheat . . . a little . . . on the side

When I stepped on the scale,
I felt like I failed
I was so upset I could cry . . .

MAGGIE (speaking)
So whatever do you do?

CHRISTINA (speaking)
I’ll tell you. I. . .

CUE UPTEMPO BROADWAY MUSIC

CHRISTINA (singing)
Binge and purge
Binge and purge
whenever I splurge
I binge and purge

First I scarf
then I barf
It’s as easy as pie

MAGGIE (speaking)
Mmmm. . . pie

CHRISTINA
And I don’t have to try
to control the urge –
I just binge and purge

MAGGIE (speaking)
But isn’t that bad for you?

CHRISTINA (singing)
Workouts are work
and dieting blows
if you want to slim fast
look under your nose

They say not to do it
they say that it’s bad
but when you fit into your jeans
you’ll feel so glad

MAGGIE (singing)
So I gorge on fries
plus a Whopper
down a hot fudge sundae
as a topper

Leave the table
for the bathroom
where I gag myself...
with a spoon

CHRISTINA (speaking)
That's right! You just...

MAGGIE AND CHRISTINA (singing)
Binge and purge
Binge and purge
whenever we splurge
We binge and purge

First we scarf
then we barf
It’s as easy as pie

MAGGIE (speaking)
Mmm. . . pie!

MAGGIE AND CHRISTINA
And we don’t have to try
to control the urge –
We just binge and purge

END MUSIC

CHRISTINA
Are you ready?

MAGGIE
Ready!

Christina and Maggie enter the stalls together and shut the doors. There are a pair of flushes and the two emerge, wiping their mouths with tissue. Christina is smiling, but Maggie doesn’t look so good.

CHRISTINA
See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

MAGGIE
That was awful. And I thought I hated asparagus going down.

CHRISTINA
That's nothing a little Baskin Robbins can’t take care of! Rocky Road tastes almost the same in either direction.

MAGGIE
Oh God! (dashes back to the stall)

CHRISTINA
Oh, come on, don't be such a baby. This is the only way you can have your cake and eat it too. You just don't get to keep it. And be sure you have good dental. It's a teensie weensie bit hard on your teeth.

MAGGIE (emerging from the stall)
You know what else is hard on your teeth?

CHRISTINA
What?

MAGGIE
This.

She punches Christina and knocks her out cold. Maggie rinses her mouth out in the sink.

MAGGIE
If there's one plus to plus-size, it's that it doesn't taste like asparagus.