Pastor begs congregation for forgiveness, damnation
COLORADO SPRINGS - A leading evangelical minister has resigned today over allegations that he is a covert agent of the devil.
Reverend Y. Goodman Brown headed the New Original First Church of Christ, a sprawling megachurch with a congregation of more than 25,000 worshipers. Charming, charismatic, and possessing a keen talent for speaking in tongues, Brown took over the church after the previous pastor, Arnold Friend, died in a mysterious impaling accident. Now, after confirming allegations that he serves the Lord of Darkness, he has left his position in disgrace.
At first, Reverend Brown appeared like many other evangelical pastors. He led marches against abortion clinics, crusaded against gay marriage, and especially preached against the evils of Satan. “You do not, under no circumstances, want to stand in a pentagram chanting the name of Beelzebub three times,” Brown once warned. “That especially goes for you young people during sleepovers. Even though you will probably see something really cool, don’t do it.”
Brown also gave “fire and brimstone” sermons that had a visceral, first-hand feeling reminiscent of Dante. “You will be whipped, stung, devoured, regurgitated, whipped again, audited by the IRS, and then devoured once more,” Brown warned, his eyes burning with passion and, some now say, excitement.
Clues began to surface that, privately, Brown was not who he said he was. Church member and gun store owner Fred Lyons recalled Reverend Brown inviting several other members over to his house to use a Ouija board.
“He wanted to demonstrate how evil it was and how it could be used to transfer demons into unwitting human vessels,” Lyons said. “But the really odd thing was his dog, a little yapping Chihuahua he called ‘Lucifer.’ The reverend explained it was a joke, but I swear that dog was a yapping, ankle-biting hound of hell.”
Another member, Linda Fargas, the daughter of a preacher, said she found a number of questionable rock and roll CDs in Brown’s car. “He gave me a ride home once, and I noticed he had Black Sabbath’s We Sold Our Souls to Rock and Roll in the CD player. I used to listen to that all the time as a teenager, so I know what's on that record.” When asked about the curious collection, Reverend Brown told her, “You have to know evil to fight evil.”
Fargas’ son, Jeffrey, made another musical connection with Reverend Brown. Sneaking out of his home to see Slayer, a metal act known for its occult and Satantic imagery, Jeffrey Fargas literally bumped into Reverend Brown in the mosh pit. “He looked surprised to see me, but then said he was trying to save these wayward souls. He asked if I wanted to help him with his work at next week’s Slipknot show.”
When Ms. Fargas caught Jeffrey sneaking back into the house, he confessed what happened. Ms. Fargas then suspected her pastor was under the unwitting influence of Satan. Thinking she would be saving him, she instead found out he was a willing accomplice.
Recording the next week’s sermon, Ms. Fargas played the tape backward. She was astonished at what possessed her speakers. “I heard, ‘You are our Lord, Satan,’ and ‘I’m hotter than the ninth circle for you, Satan,’” Ms. Fargas said. “I thought I was maybe imagining it, but the last message said, ‘You’re not dreaming, I really love Satan, and soon you will too, muhahahaha.’”
Ms. Fargas took the tapes to others the New Original First Church of Jesus Christ board, which confronted Reverend Brown. Reverend Brown said that it was mere coincidence and denied being a Satanist. The board accepted his denial. However, Ms. Fargas covertly taped this meeting, and playing the tape backward revealed another message. “I can't believe they're buying it,” the backward message said, “I'll have these gullible souls delivered to Satan in no time. Muhahahaha!”
Confronted again, Reverend Brown confessed. “You got me,” said Brown, meekly adding, “Hail Satan?” None of the others joined him.
It was a bittersweet moment for the reverend. “Even though I infiltrated this church with the express purpose of turning the congregation toward evil, I grew to like them,” Brown said. “The bake sales, the picnics, the targeting of abortion doctors...we had some glorious times.” Wiping away a tear, he barely finished his next sentence. “I can thing of no finer group I would have liked to have tortured for all eternity.”
Many in the congregation were shocked and shaken. “I can’t believe it,” said Melissa Van Camp, mother of thirteen. “Just the other day, on a particularly humid day, I said, ‘It’s hotter than blazes, Reverend.’ And he said, ‘No, blazes is more of a dry heat.’ I thought he was just joking.”
James Killmeister, a member of the Church board who also services lethal injection equipment, said, “Satan takes many forms. I just didn’t think he’d take the form of the best pastor we ever had. When he damned things, he really damned them...it’s a shame to lose that.”
At least one member of the church looked on the bright side. “It could have been worse,” said Conrad Baines, going through his third divorce, “He could have been gay.”