10) Decking the Halls and anyone else who stands between us and the checkout line.
9) Fashioning noose out of garland.
8) Exchanging gift of democracy for Old Navy Kevlar Vests.
7) Running over mother’s Manheim Steamroller CDs with a steamroller.
6) Giving political opponents this year’s hottest radioactive isotopes.
5) Watching A Charlie Brown Christmas while playing Dark Side of the Moon.
4) Finishing Ph.D. dissertation, Bows of Folly: The Struggle for Economic and Social Equality Among Reindeer and Elves at Santa’s Workshop.
3) Regifting the Taliban.
2) Going on Maury to determine if virgin girlfriend is pregnant with the Son of God or the son of Jesus, the pool boy.
1) Asking Santa for new White House clue phone.