Study: PlayStation 3 Highly Likely to Prolong Virginity

LOS ANGELES - As thousands of men camped outside of retailers in order to obtain the Sony PlayStation 3, the newest video game console from the electronics giant, scientists have concluded that the machine will likely maintain the virginity status of these men.

“The Sony PlayStation 3 sports a 3.3 gigahertz Cell processor capable of running millions of complex equations at once,” said Dr. I. M. Mario of the Center for Arousal and Neuron Technology (CANT). “Yet it is unable to compute the phone number of a girl who might be interested.”

The system also delivers true high-definition video, producing lifelike pictures in a stunning 1080p resolution. “However,” Dr. Mario noted, “it offers no resolution to being home alone on Saturday at 3 a.m. playing video games, and in fact contributes greatly to that outcome.”

Dr. Mario and his colleagues have released a study documenting the effects of the machine on relationships and sexuality, Long-Term Effects of Interactive Gaming on Coital Probabilities.

Officials at Sony dismissed the study and said that the machine could actually promote relationship skills. Noting how the cutting-edge technology of the PlayStation 3 will blur the line between fantasy and reality, Sony Director of Media Relations Angela Grips said, “When you rescue that princess and interact with her, she's going to seem very real. You’re going to feel like you know her.”

“That’s precisely the problem,” said Dr. Mario. “Sony proclaims a new era of interactivity, but when these men are with real women, they don’t know how to interact. They think they're going to conquer their virginity by pressing nipple, nipple, buttock, nipple, up, down, up, down, clitoris.”

A quick survey of the Anaheim Best Buy—where dozens of men between the ages of 18 and 32 camped out in tents and sleeping bags—revealed that none of them were currently in any kind of committed relationship. All of them readily admitted to not being virgins, but not one could describe with accuracy the tactile sensation of a woman’s breast or the emotional release of two human bodies joined as one.

“[Sexual intercourse] feels kind of like that time I beat all the songs on Guitar Hero on expert,” said Myron Blauser.

His friend and line companion, Kenneth G., who did not wish to give his last name, immediately refuted Mr. Blauser’s claim. “Don’t listen to this nerdlinger, he’s never gotten out of the batter’s box with a girl.”

“You said ‘box,’” snorted Mr. Blauser.

When asked if she would be willing to talk to the men in line, Ms. Grips laughed, then asked, “Are you serious?” She then mentioned she could not talk to the customers in line because she had plans with her boyfriend, who is not interested in purchasing a PlayStation 3.