Mistress Layoffs Felt Up and Down Wall Street

FADE IN

INT. TV NEWSROOM

Anchor JUDY VAN LICHEN sits at the news desk.

VAN LICHEN
The current economic downturn continues to affect nearly all sectors of the American economy, and now even a once-robust sector is taking a considerable pounding: the mistresses of businessmen.

According to the latest numbers from the Government Accounting Office, nearly 70 percent of all mistresses were either laid off or are only working in spurts. The report states that economic conditions coupled with stricter accounting standards have led many businessmen to immediately pull out of the mistress market.

We turn to our Economic Analyst Grant Silverstone for his insights.

ON CAMERA
Grant Silverstone

VAN LICHEN (cont.)
Grant, how bad is this mistress meltdown?

SILVERSTONE
In economic terms, it’s unprecedented. The entire businessmen-mistress industry has gone suddenly soft. Just look some of these figures:

ON SCREEN
A graph showing “Mistress Industry Shrinkage”
The graph shows the following figures:

Fur: -177%
Edible panties: -125%
Fuck pads: -115%
French Maid outfits: -97%
Pearl necklaces: -82%

SILVERSTONE (cont.)
The losses in the “fuck pad” market are especially devastating, considering that it’s nearly impossible to sell a million-dollar, one-bedroom condo downtown without the enticement of it being perfect for discreet intercourse between shareholder meetings.

ON SCREEN
B-Roll showing an older businessman escorting a young woman in fur and jewelry into a fancy restaurant.

SILVERSTONE (cont.)
This contraction is also seeping into other fields not traditionally dominated by mistresses, such as fine restaurants. Owners are losing those vital businessman-mistress dinners that usually resulted in expensive wines, caviar, and enough chocolate mousse to cover two fully naked lovers.

The jewelry industry may be the hardest hit, however.

INT. JEWELRY STORE

CARLA SCAMPI, owner of Scampi Jewelry, stands behind a jewelry counter, playing with her many rings as she speaks.

SCAMPI
Not only are we losing out because businessmen aren’t buying jewelry for their mistresses, but their increased fidelity has drastically reduced our lucrative guilt purchase market. So we’re really feeling this mistress thing at both ends.

INT. NEWSROOM

VAN LICHEN
Grant, what about the human cost?

SILVERSTONE
Well, no one is taking it harder than the mistresses themselves. Most are not trained to do more than have acrobatic, mind-blowing sex and destroy marriages. Some are seeking employment as escorts, but that industry only has so many openings that can be filled at once.

VAN LICHEN
Has this crisis reached its climax yet?

SILVERSTONE
Sadly, we’ve probably seen just the tip. There are already signs that this problem is dribbling from Wall Street onto Main Street.

ON SCREEN
B-roll of a motel advertising hourly rates, followed by footage of adult magazines on store racks

SILVERSTONE (cont.)
Many small businessmen are forgoing mistresses or seeking younger, more inexperienced lovers interested in working pro bono. Others are turning to in-house solutions for their sexual fantasies, employing adult material and their imaginations.

INT. NEWSROOM

SILVERSTONE (cont.)
It’s pretty clear that, without some sort of external stimulation, this will continue to be a pretty rough ride for mistresses everywhere.

VAN LICHEN
Well, let’s hope the industry gets off its feet and back on its back soon.

FADE OUT.


Adapted from a concept by the Onion News Network.