Thursday, January 29, 2009

Mistress Layoffs Felt Up and Down Wall Street



Anchor JUDY VAN LICHEN sits at the news desk.

The current economic downturn continues to affect nearly all sectors of the American economy, and now even a once-robust sector is taking a considerable pounding: the mistresses of businessmen.

According to the latest numbers from the Government Accounting Office, nearly 70 percent of all mistresses were either laid off or are only working in spurts. The report states that economic conditions coupled with stricter accounting standards have led many businessmen to immediately pull out of the mistress market.

We turn to our Economic Analyst Grant Silverstone for his insights.

Grant Silverstone

VAN LICHEN (cont.)
Grant, how bad is this mistress meltdown?

In economic terms, it’s unprecedented. The entire businessmen-mistress industry has gone suddenly soft. Just look some of these figures:

A graph showing “Mistress Industry Shrinkage”
The graph shows the following figures:

Fur: -177%
Edible panties: -125%
Fuck pads: -115%
French Maid outfits: -97%
Pearl necklaces: -82%

The losses in the “fuck pad” market are especially devastating, considering that it’s nearly impossible to sell a million-dollar, one-bedroom condo downtown without the enticement of it being perfect for discreet intercourse between shareholder meetings.

B-Roll showing an older businessman escorting a young woman in fur and jewelry into a fancy restaurant.

This contraction is also seeping into other fields not traditionally dominated by mistresses, such as fine restaurants. Owners are losing those vital businessman-mistress dinners that usually resulted in expensive wines, caviar, and enough chocolate mousse to cover two fully naked lovers.

The jewelry industry may be the hardest hit, however.


CARLA SCAMPI, owner of Scampi Jewelry, stands behind a jewelry counter, playing with her many rings as she speaks.

Not only are we losing out because businessmen aren’t buying jewelry for their mistresses, but their increased fidelity has drastically reduced our lucrative guilt purchase market. So we’re really feeling this mistress thing at both ends.


Grant, what about the human cost?

Well, no one is taking it harder than the mistresses themselves. Most are not trained to do more than have acrobatic, mind-blowing sex and destroy marriages. Some are seeking employment as escorts, but that industry only has so many openings that can be filled at once.

Has this crisis reached its climax yet?

Sadly, we’ve probably seen just the tip. There are already signs that this problem is dribbling from Wall Street onto Main Street.

B-roll of a motel advertising hourly rates, followed by footage of adult magazines on store racks

Many small businessmen are forgoing mistresses or seeking younger, more inexperienced lovers interested in working pro bono. Others are turning to in-house solutions for their sexual fantasies, employing adult material and their imaginations.


It’s pretty clear that, without some sort of external stimulation, this will continue to be a pretty rough ride for mistresses everywhere.

Well, let’s hope the industry gets off its feet and back on its back soon.


Adapted from a concept by the Onion News Network.


Mendacious D said...

Well played, sir.

Obligatory Filthbot addendum: although I'm pretty sure the cost of pearl necklaces hasn't gone up THAT much.

will said...

Outsourcing and downsizing probably won''t help. I suspect it's up to those Wall St. guys to give themselves a hand. What jerks.

fish said...

only working in spurts

I can't even begin to say how awesome that line was.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Love Comes IN Spurts, fish fishie fish.


I believe Brando posted this just to maximize his Filthbot commenting. Bloggers can be such whores sometimes.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Adapted from a concept by the Onion News Network.

It's like you're Aware of All Internet Traditions...

Brando said...

I had to laugh at Bill's comment. A man after my own entendres.

The reason this is adapted from an Onion New Network idea is that it was part of my application to be a freelance writer for them. I had to write 10 story ideas and then a script around the concept of businessmen downsizing their mistress activities.

I unfortunately didn't get picked up as a writer, but I have a number of new ideas I'll be turning into pieces for the blog.

BTW, love "Love Comes in Spurts." I had the Voidoids version on an old Rhino punk compilation that I lost and hadn't heard the song in years. Thank you for shooting that my way, RM.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I know one of the guys who started the Onion. His office was across the hall from mine. He sold his shares after they expanded to four locations and sold a couple of treatments to disney (!); took the money and moved to the burbs.

Never hired me to design his house either. Obviously, they are clueless bastardos all around.

I have the Voidoids song on that old Rhino DIY comp series... one of my favorites. I am, after all, an old guy, an undead punk.

fish said...

Thank you for shooting that my way, RM.

UPDATE: Pearl necklaces now only down -81%

Kathleen said...

Brando posted this just to maximize his Filthbot

filthbot rises to the occasion

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Brando, it's obvious why this didn't cut the mustard at the Onion: there's no funny in satire if can't stay ahead of reality:

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Fuck pad?

AG is still stuck on that.

Churlita said...

I think there was double entendre in every paragraph of this post. Nice job, Brando.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

heh. Churlita said 'job'

word verification was aright.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

You're a genius.