USDA Nearly Fires Official Over Concerns of “Blackness”

Agency accused of overreacting to conservative criticism that official was "unapologetically 100 percent black"

Agricultural secretary Tom Vilsack came under attack today for firing Shirley Sherrod, an official in the United States Department of Agriculture, after a conservative Web site produced video evidence of her being black.

The firing came after conservative publisher and facts fornicator Andrew Breitbart posted a series of accusatory messages on Twitter during one of his so-called “Twitdumps.”

"[Oh my God], this gov’t official is at NAACP meeting and is totally black. Video proof forthcoming," Breitbart dumped.

The video showed Ms. Sherrod indeed not only being black, but being black with other black people at an NAACP panel discussion. After discussing her lineage, which she offered unprompted as "completely black," Ms. Sherrod unabashedly declared, "I will always be black." Many of the other blacks attending the panel could be seen nodding in approval.

Conservatives quickly pounced. "This is precisely the kind of behavior the NACCP should be against," wrote blogger Michelle Malkin, an honorary Caucasian.

Talk show host Glenn Beck, an actual Caucasian, told his television audience, "This is what the Obama administration has sown. Can you imagine a situation where a white person would get up in front of a group of other whites and claim they will always be white?" He then wrote "WHITE" on his chalkboard and drew a heart around it and an arrow through the heart, which he labeled "BLACK."

After his initial burst of Twitdumping, Mr. Breitbart produced a longer diatribe on the Fox News program The O’Reilly Factor. "The problem here is that Shirley Sherrod is being a racist exclusionist. She’s only interested in being black. Not once does she even consider being white."

"Furthermore," he continued, "this blackness is inherited, not earned, which goes against our American way of life. Why does she get to be black and I can’t?" Host Bill O’Reilly concurred, saying this was the rudest thing he’d seen a black person do "since asking for more motherfucking iced tea in a restaurant."

Faced with this overwhelming evidence and ironclad logic, the Obama Administration reacted swiftly. "We have made it clear from day one that complete, unfiltered blackness is not something this administration is comfortable with," press secretary and total cracker Robert Gibbs said. "Our threshold for blackness has always been and will remain, at most, 50 percent."

Agricultural Secretary Vilsack moved quickly to rectify the situation, calling Ms. Sherrod and asking her to resign. Ms. Sherrod balked at the suggestion, reportedly commanding the secretary to display a sign of affection on her dark posterior. At that point Vilsack fired her.

"Historically, the USDA has simply not tolerated blackness of any kind," Secretary Vilsack said at a press conference, "and we're not about to let non-black farmers face that kind of discrimination."

Evidence of whiteness surfaces

However, some bloggers had misgivings about the authenticity of the tape. Writing for Salon, Glenn Greenwald, described as "stunningly white," thought Sherrod’s tape had been edited. After repeatedly trying to contact the NAACP for the unabridged tape, the organization came out from the desk it was hiding under and delivered the full recording.

The unedited tape showed that, after her controversial comments about being black, Ms. Sherrod went on to describe watching a Golden Girls marathon and shopping at Yankee Candle.

"Clearly," Greenwald wrote, "the reports of Ms. Sherrod’s blackness have been greatly exaggerated."

Mr. Brietbart, however, was not so easily convinced. Speaking on CNN through his official spokesman, a talking sack of shit, he stated that the unabridged tape could not be trusted as much as the heavily edited tape. "We have no idea who did not edit that tape," the talking sack of shit said, "and for all we know, she was watches marathons of 227 and buys Soft Sheen hair products at Rite Aid."

After additional media outlets verified that Ms. Sherrod was also a member of a scrapbooking club, the White House and Department of Agricultural quickly reversed their race to judgment. "It is clear to us that Ms. Sherrod demonstrates more than acceptable levels of whiteness we demand from our public servants," Secretary Vilsack said. "And I would like to take this opportunity to not only rehire her, but also invite her to catch up on all the work she missed while she was away from her job."

"That’s mighty white of you," Ms. Sherrod replied.

Ed. note: We originally reported that a talking sack of shit was speaking on behalf of Andrew Breitbart, when in fact the talking sack of shit was Andrew Breitbart. CJSD regrets the error.