Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Armistead Maupin's Tales of the Site Meter

Like a lot of bloggers, I am fascinated by my Site Meter. There's the inexplicable numbers fascination part: how many people came by today? It's inexplicable because whether 5 people or 5,000 show up, I am not any richer or wiser or more endowed (could you imagine the traffic stuffing that a Site-Meter-enabled penis enlargement would produce?).

The more fascinating part to me is who stops by. Some I know, some are what Blue Girl calls imaginary friends, but there are also a lot of folks who come by and see the blog who I may never have had any contact with. I especially enjoy the thought of someone I don't know in some far away place reading the blog and laughing (or, if they are from the Vice President's office, preparing to expose my secret identity).

The most amusing entertainment of Site Meter comes from the search results. What are people looking for when they wind up here, a site that is neither about gay sex nor country dancing? As you can probably imagine, when you have a blog with Circle Jerk in the title, you get plenty of amusing hits from search terms like circle jerk, co-ed circle jerk, two males jerking each other (that was one from today), and married guy circle jerk (did I leave a window open?).

Before today, the most odd and unsettling episode of Tales of the Site Meter was "Sammy and Elijah." I wrote a sketch called Jehovah's Witness Protection Program that had two characters with those names. I started getting hits from searches for "Sammy and Elijah." Naïve boy that I am, I assumed there was probably some religious context for those names that I didn't know about. I googled the term, and wound up on a gay sex site dedicated to two young men named Sammy and Elijah. From the 1.7 seconds I spent looking at the site, they also looked like borderline NAMBLA bait. I slammed the browser in reverse and got the hell out of there. The last thing I need is to pull a Pete Townshend and have to explain to the FBI that I was "researching" my Site Meter hits.

But today, I saw the best search term I have seen to date, the (literal) royal flush of search words: peanut looking chunks in my feces.

That's the Site Meter equivalent of Michael Jordan hitting the game-winner over Bryon Russell during the 1998 NBA finals. I almost think I should quit looking at the search hits, because everything else will be like Jordan coming back to play for the Washington Wizards.

The worst part is, I want to know the rest of the story. Was it a hit from sub-fetish too freakish for even Dan Savage? Was it a dire, extra-crunchy-Skippy-related medical emergency? And was "peanut looking" supposed to be hyphenated, or was the Peanut the subject and doing the looking?

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the real beauty of Site Meter. You get just enough info to write your own story. It's Mad Libs, Choose Your Own Adventure, and an endless Dickensian serial drama all rolled into one. Only with peanut feces and group groping included.


TJ said...

Hi, my name's Trevor and I'm a Site Meter addict.

(Hi, Trevor!)

I have not gotten the scat-related nor group-sex-related hits. Lucky dog! Mine tend toward the tamer, emo end. Yesterday some sad end-of-the-college-semester googler came upon Creekside by searching for relationship advice. Specifically:

"personal relationships ultimatums last ditch strategies waited too long"

Poor kid. Should've broken out that ultimatum sooner, I guess.

TLB said...

The MOST disturbing part of that Site Meter story is that this site actually came up for that search. What does that say about you...?

Anonymous said...

Pinko Punko has had a few doozies too.

Anonymous said...

Its Bryon Russell. And you should knwo that is a senstive topic with me.

Please don't go there.

Actually on topic, we of course always get "Chicago Bulls Song" To wish I shake my skinny fist "Sirius!! Assholes! Alan Parsons Project! Go Eff yourself!"

Brando said...

Pinko, thank you for the proofreading. Bryon looks like a typo of Byron and in fact I think it was a mistake on his birth certificate that was never corrected.

I am sorry if the second greatest moment in Chicago sports history brings up bad feelings.

AG, I am aware Pinko has doozies. The question is: does he know he has doozies?

Trevor, that search almost sounds like a line from a bad emo song, from a band called something like Thursday's Chemical Confessional.

TLB, my dear, you of all people should know that search term says everything you need to know about this blog.

Anonymous said...

I had one a couple of days ago that was:

"Playing pool and punishing boyfriend in panties"

oooooooookay then.

I have a major concern. I noticed trevor up above wrote "emo" and I noticed it spelled that way at another place a few days ago.

Is it "emo"?? Or "emu" --

I spelled it "emu" in my slam of PP -- and I like it that way. But, I think I could've been wrong!

Thanks for the linkage....:)

Anonymous said...

One never knows what Pinko is aware of. One does know that BG can win in a take down and Chuckie loves AG more than Pinko. Oh yeah, and PP is the big 'mo! Perhaps we should introduce him to Butchie.

TJ said...

I'm pretty sure it's "emo," Blue Girl. As in overly emotional and whiny.

Though I like the idea of Dashboard Confessional being fronted by a large flightless bird that tastes great with b-b-q sauce and cole slaw.

Wait, maybe I took that one too far.

Brando said...

BG, emo is punk rock for emus. It's like Morissey lyrics set to Green Day music. You know, "I'm upset that you left me and I'm crying, but I'm still man enough to rock."

Anonymous said...

Hee-hee-hee, AG...

"Pinko is the big 'mo!"

And while we're at it...'mu!

Sorry Brando, for slammin' PP over here...but, when opportunity knocks...

Geez, I owe that boy a good lashing...just hasn't come to me yet. Plus, his last comment at my place was gross! Like I wouldn't even get it.

teh l4m3 said...

Dude so does that mean when I post this comment people can find your site when looking for "underage Thai hookers eating corn out of my shit"?