The CJSD exclusive Celebrity Reacharound!
CJSD: Governor Palin, thank you for taking the time to talk to us.
Palin: My pleasure. Say, is that shirt made out of moose hide?
CJSD: No, it’s cotton.
Palin: That’s too bad.
CJSD: Governor, you have been many things. Wife, mother—
Palin: Boy, those two were this close to being reversed.
CJSD: Sportscaster, Mayor, Governor, and now GOP Vice Presidential nominee. How have these experiences prepare you to deal with the possibility that Senator John McCain could become a drooling vegetable within the next eight years, leaving you with supreme control over the White House?
Palin: You know, experience can also take on many different forms, like water. It can be solid, it can be liquid, it can be a gas. My experience is like that, kind of wet and gassy sometimes, but solid too. For instance, when it comes to catching terrorists, my experience as a homemaker is pertinent.
CJSD: How so?
Palin: Well, one time, I was preparing sandwiches for Bristol and her friends. They love pickles on their sandwiches. But the pickle jar would not come unstuck. Todd and the boys were out seal-clubbing, so I was on my own.
One of Bristol’s friends suggested running the jar under hot water. Now, I see that as appeasement. Why should I take the time to warm up a jar of pickles that should open when I tell it to?
Bristol, bless her, suggested whacking on the lid with a knife. That got me thinking. I decided to take it one better. I got out my shotgun and blew the jar open.
CJSD: Did that work?
Palin: Oh yeah. Not only did it open the jar, but it taught all the other jars a lesson, that there will be no compromise when it comes to opening. Although, sadly, the blast destroyed all the pickles in the jar. But better for those pickles to be free and in pieces on my kitchen floor than to live under glass tyranny.
CJSD: Speaking of which, if you were to become president, what would your plans be for withdrawal in Iraq?
Palin: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.
CJSD: What would be your criteria for withdrawing from American troops—
Palin: That word, “withdrawing,” what does that mean?
CJSD: To remove, or pull out.
Palin: Oh, if there's one thing we don't do in the Palin household, it's pull out.
CJSD: The economy has overshadowed even national security in this election. If you were in charge, what would you propose doing to help solve the crisis?
Palin: Yes, I’d sell lemonade. We have plenty of it, and the markup is incredible. I would require everyone coming into the country to buy a glass of lemonade.
CJSD: How would you implement that?
Palin: If you come through customs, you buy a glass of lemonade. If you cross the border, you buy a glass of lemonade. In fact, I’d make illegal immigrants buy lemonade, too—if you pay for the lemonade, the border patrol would count to 100 before coming after you again.
CJSD: How much would you charge for the lemonade?
Palin: Between 50 cents and $25 a glass. I’m still working with my economic consultants on the pricing.
CJSD: What about job creation? Have you suggested any plans to Senator McCain?
Palin: I have. First thing is, everyone gets fired from their jobs. That would create a whole lot of jobs. Like more than ever. And then we would hire people for those jobs. Problem solved!
CJSD: What as the Senator's response?
Palin: He said he is taking it under advisement, which is just like him really considering it. Yay!
CJSD: You have described yourself as a woman of faith.
Palin: As God is my witness!
CJSD: How does your faith influence your decision making?
Palin: How doesn’t it? I get up every day and I ask Jesus what to do.
CJSD: You mean you pray?
Palin: No, I have a little statue of Jesus, playing baseball with some boys. And I say, “Baseball Jesus, what should I do today?”
CJSD: And does Jesus respond?
Palin: Only on Mondays. But he gives me my list for the week, so it’s all good, you know.
CJSD: What about evolution? Do you believe in it?
CJSD: What about the dinosaurs? How do explain fossils?
Palin: They are the remnants of Lucifer’s battle with God, before he was cast out of the Kingdom of Heaven.
Palin: I’m sorry, I didn’t explain that very well. I should have said “before Lucifer was cast out of the Kingdom of Heaven,” because “he” would make it sound like God was cast out of heaven. And that would be just silly.
CJSD: What about abortion? You are pro-life, but you recently said you also believe there’s a right to privacy, but that states should also be able to regulate abortion.
Palin: Yeah, I was taken out of context. But I’ve also come up with a solution. I have a plan to arm all fetuses.
CJSD: Arm them?
Palin: Yeah, give them guns. I’d require them to be medically inserted as soon as the little guys have thumbs. Mothers would still have the option to have an abortion, but the babies would have the option to exercise their Second Amendment rights and shoot their way to freedom. Everybody wins. We just have to find a way to shrink the guns.
CJSD: Finally, why do you feel John McCain should be the next president of the United States?
Palin: I’ve given this a lot of thought. I take this honor, this nomination, very seriously, so I have studied the presidency very carefully. And one thing I’ve noticed: every single president has been a white man, and most of them older. That’s what statisticians call a predictor.
CJSD: Governor Palin, thank you for talking with us.
Palin: You bet. Here, have some beaver jerky. I cured it myself.
Note for mouthbreathers: Like most things on this site, this is a work of fiction. If you're not smart enough to figure that out, go to Ted Turner and resign from CNN right now.