Monday, October 27, 2008

Are you a real American?

Sarah Palin recently discussed how happy she is to speak in front of real Americans. But what makes a real American? Take these handy quiz to find out how you rate.

(with acknowledgement to The Daily Show for inspiration)

1.Your relationship status:
a) single
b) married
c) divorced but remarried to person I met at a sanctity of marriage rally

2. How would you describe your home town?
a) full of culture and diversity
b) full of little pink houses
c) free of blacks

3. Your car is:
a) a hybrid with a Darwin fish on the back
b) an SUV with a yellow “Support Our Troops” ribbon
c) a monster truck in the shape of a bald eagle

4. Do you own a firearm?
a) no
b) yes
c) that’s “firearms”

5. Drug of choice:
a) coke
b) meth
c) Jesus

6. What’s on your TiVo?
a) Project Runway
b) 24
c) anything with Kirk Cameron

7. What’s the last thing you killed?
a) a mimosa
b) a moose
c) a Muslim

8. Where do you get your news from?
a) CNN
b) Fox News
c) The Bible

9. How often have you been to Wal-Mart?
a) less than once a month
b) more than once a week
c) taking this quiz from the Wal-Mart breakroom

10. Welfare:
a) is necessary to help provide food and shelter to the poor
b) is necessary to provide help to my investments and tax shelters
c) would be better spent building churches

11. What are your feelings on evolution?
a) It’s a fact, supported by mountains of evidence.
b) Humans have evolved an ability to ignore mountains of evidence when politically expedient.
c) I throw feces when someone suggests I came from a monkey.

12. What are your feelings on homosexuality?
a) Homosexuals deserve all the rights of heterosexuals.
b) Homosexual marriage should not be allowed.
c) Homosexuality should be outlawed so that I’m not tempted.

13. When it comes to illegal immigration, you:
a) support amnesty
b) support strict enforcement of our immigration laws
c) support the construction of minefields along the Mexican border

14. How do you feel about universal health care?
a) The government should make it easy for everyone to get affordable health care.
b) The wealthy should be allowed to harvest the organs of the uninsured.
c) We already have universal health care: prayer.

16. Muslims:
a) should not be harassed because of their religion
b) should not be surprised that they are harassed because of their religion
c) should avoid harassment by changing their religion to Christianity

17. When it comes to Iraq, we should:
a) withdraw as soon as we can
b) keep our troops there until Iraq is independent
c) keep our troops there until they trigger the End Times

18. When it comes to offshore drilling, we should:
a) protect the environment and not drill
b) create thousands of new jobs producing hazmat suits for wildlife
c) drill like daddy’s home from the still and full of ’shine

19. Freedom:
a) means being able to disagree
b) isn’t free
c) is for people who share my beliefs and/or skin tone

20. Who would you consider the greatest president?
a) Franklin Roosevelt
b) Ronald Reagan
c) Sarah Palin

a) 3 points
b) 2 points
c) 1 point

20-30 points—Red Wood
You love America so much, you get aroused saying the Pledge of Allegiance. You like your portions big, your truck bigger, and your border fence the biggest. Jesus is not only your co-pilot, he’s your spotter, re-loader, and bombardier.

31-40 points—White Flour
The ingredients are there, but you need some fire to make them rise up. Try a little less compassion and a little more kick assin’. Trade those Dockers for some camo and skip soccer practice to take the kids hunting.

41-60 points—Blew Stater
You stir up treason like you stir milk into your latte. You want our government to take from the rich and give to the poor, instead of acting like a Christian nation and preserving tax cuts. You put your trust into science and fancy thinking, when all the thinking you need was done 2000 years ago. We’ll never preserve our freedom if we let people like you do what you want.


Snag said...

You're not a real American if you can count to 20.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I am pressing my boobs up against this website.

You can tell me whether that means I am a real American or not.

rotten mcdonald said...

depends on whether the boobs are real, I'd guess...

Brando said...

I would say fake boobs=real American.

Churlita said...

...Or if you have a tattoo on your boobs that says "for Him", then you're a real American.

Jennifer said...

Oh Brando... I was hoping it would have been 31-40 White Sugar!

Noelle said...

60 is a perfect score, right?

I entertained myself by watching 10 minutes of a Kirk Cameron special on the mythology channel last night. And then I got a like queasy remembering the crush I used to have on him.

Mr. Middlebrow said...

8c should actually be The King James Bible. 'Cuz, if it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.

Kathleen said...

I was hoping it would have been 31-40 White Sugar!

I think everyone knows how elitist White Sugar is .. available only in the finest of stores.