Friday CJ Random 11

It's one more random than 10!

I thought it would be fun to think of commercials that could use the tunes that came up today.

1) “Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend,” The Mr. T. Experience. A lonely man wearing a teddy bear costume sits in a movie theater, an empty seat next to him. Even Hitler had a girlfriend, so why can’t I? He moves to the park, walking by the river. Nixon had his puppy, Manson had his clan, God forbid that I get a girlfriend. He walks down a street, looking at addresses, before finding the one he’s looking for and knocking on a door. A woman in a teddy bear costume opens the door. He pulls out a printed personal, and they embrace. On screen, the line appears: Someone for everyone....Craigslist.

2) “Summer Skin,” Death Cab for Cutie. Kids play in the pool, glowing bright red from sunburn. Later, they scratch and itch at the flaking skin, as the line plays: Then Labor Day came and we shed our summer skin. Mom appears in the doorway with a big bottle of Solarcaine with Aloe. The kids smile and hold up a huge sheet of peeled skin. Mom just shakes her head and laughs. Keep your summer skin summery with Solarcaine!

3) “Running Free (Live),” Iron Maiden. As I’m running free, yeah, I’m running free plays, we see Bruce Dickinson driving a Hummer with an optional coal-burning smoke stack. He drives through a beaver dam, chases a heard of albino rhinos, backs into a parking space and crushes a smaller hybrid car in the process, and finally runs over a squeegee guy. Always run free in a Hummer.

4) “Anywhere,” Bob Hillman. A very urban-looking woman arrives at the corn-rowed edge of Iowa City. She walks into town in her Jimmy Choos as the music plays: Fighting for her life in Iowa, she can go anywhere she wants to. Cut to a scene in a writing workshop as she argues with another student, who tears her story in half and throws it at her. With the future legends typing club, she can go anywhere she wants to. Late at night, she cries over the pieces of her story at a smoky local bar, before leaning over to throw up. She can go anywhere she wants to, she wants to be here. The next week, she hands her copy of that student’s story back to him, then lights it on fire. She smiles as he tries to put it out. The the line repeats, She wants to be here, and the logo for the Iowa Writer’s Workshop appears. Now taking applications!

5) “Flowers of Guatemala,” REM. A florist picks beautiful flowers as soldiers and rebels fight in the background. He dodges mortar rounds as he gathers a purple and red bouquet. He hops on a plane loaded with drugs and guns before taking off. At a suburban home, a woman answers the door, to see the bloodied and bruised florist, who hands her the bouquet before collapsing. She smells the flowers and smiles. No matter what flowers you want, we deliver! 1-800-FLOWERS.

6) “Take You on a Cruise,” Interpol. A Geico caveman gets into a huge fight with his non-cavegirl girlfriend, who throws his stone engagement ring back at him. He goes on a cruise by himself, playing shuffleboard, swimming, and watching someone flame grill a steak at his table, but he looks miserable. Standing near the rail, he gets ready to throw the stone ring into the sea, when a hairy hand touches his shoulder. He turns to see another female caveman. He immediately proposes as the line Oh my love, we’re sailing to Norway plays and the Norwegian Cruise Lines logo appears.

7) “Magical Mystery Tour,” The Beatles. The song plays as we see footage of David Blaine and an announcer reads: See David Blaine live! Watch as he works in a cubicle for 40 hours during the week without drinking coffee, using the Internet, or gossiping about who used their expense account at the strip club! Marvel as he makes Paris Hilton disappear from public for 45 days! And prepare to be amazed as he transforms Iraq into a stable democracy overnight, just like the Republicans predicted!

8) “The Way It Is,” Tesla. At an old folks home, we see two elderly men fighting over checkers, two old women arguing over pictures of their grandchildren, a man being held down as he receives his pills, and a woman throwing her bedpan at the nurse. That’s the way it is, that’s the way it goes, day after day. An orderly sneaks into a man’s room, trying to steal his Medal of Freedom from WWII, but the old man wakes and smacks his hand with his cane. They both turn to smile as the logo and tagline come up: No Illusions Assisted Living, because that’s the way it really is!

9) “Girl Afraid,” The Smiths. A man and woman at a fancy party eye each other and move closer and closer. They appear shy and cautious, but still approach. As they almost touch, they turn their heads, revealing cold sores on their lips. They immediately retreat as the narrator says, Never be afraid with Abreva! and Morissey sings I'll never make that mistake again!

10) “From the Edge of the Deep Blue Sea,” The Cure. A black-clad Goth stands on the edge of a bridge before letting go. As the music plays and he falls, a therapist appears next to him. She tells him it didn’t have to end this way if he had just called Dr. Marcia Haywood at the Family Wellness Center. The boy smiles just as Dr. Haywood’s bungie chord saves her and he plunges into the water. Call us before you make a career out of being miserable!

11) “Say You Love Me,” Fleetwood Mac. A man and woman have dinner, feeding each other before heading upstairs to their hotel room as the line plays, But when the loving starts and the lights go down, and there’s not another living soul around.... They make out wildly, knocking over lamps, chairs, and the toiletries in the bathroom. Then woo me until the sun comes up and say that you love me. The narrator breaks in: Before the lights go down and your sun comes up, say you love her with Trojan brand condoms, ribbed for her pleasure. The couple sits in bed, breathless, as Christine McVie sings, Say you love me!

While sales would certainly be down, brand recognition would be through the roof!

Have a good weekend.