1. What's in your pocket?
A lion, and baby, he is ready 2 roar.
2. Is the pork ready?
It is if it has stopped squealing.
3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?
Thankfully, no. But this question reminded me of an incident when I was a teenager. I came down with pneumonia and had to go to the hospital. While I was waiting in a bed to get examined, an older woman next to me was talking with a doctor about the impacted stool she had. That’s when I asked God: please, please, let me be able to poop on my own for the rest of my life.
4. Do you like onions?
The better question would be: do I like vile weeds that taste like ass? No.
5. So, how big is it?
Let’s put it this way: if they had a pill that really made it bigger, I would line up for a prescription. Of course, so would 99% of the male population.
6. Budweiser or real beer?
Real beer. But I’m not a beer slob. A good ol’ fashioned American macrobrew can really hit the spot. Miller High Life, for instance, is my go-to rock show beer of choice. But when it's time to really drink beer, I need something that has actual flavor. Like this, which I usually drink on my birthday when I can find it.
7. What do you feel about your nose?
I wish the I could switch size ratios with it and the object from question 5.
8. Children: Baked or broiled?
I wasn’t sure how to answer this, so I asked an expert. Here’s the response I got:
Dear Citizen,9. Do you like it when I do this?
Thank you for your question. The answer is baked, with a garnishing of puppies.
Vice President Richard Cheney
Yes, but this time, please don’t forget the safe word.
10. Do you like the sound of chickens?
No. Especially when they are clucking beside the red wheel barrow.
11. Would Beyoncé clip her own toenails?
No way. The first rule of Diva Club is that you do not talk about Diva Club. The second rule of Diva Club is that you, under no circumstances, groom yourself. Diva preparation is like building a car: everyone has an assigned part to assemble.
12. Do you like pork?
Does the Pope where a funny hat when he strikes down the concept of Limbo?
13. If the butter is soft, does the bus arrive on time?
No, because clearly the driver’s muffins were in the toaster.
14. When do you get up?
When The Man tells me too.
15. How did you survive childhood?
I made my saving throw.
16. What do you do before bed?
That depends on TLB.
17. What are your hidden charges?
It’s $4.95 for the first minute, and $1.95 for each additional minute, minimum of ten minutes or the first three times I say engorged. If you’re under 18 and did not get your parents’ permission, that’s a paddling. Tax and title are not included unless you’re paying cash, in which case, I’ll waive them if you get rid of what’s in the trunk. For the first six months, you pay 0% APR on all non-purchases, but twice the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow on all other transactions.
18. Who's behind you?
Satan, carrying a bag of Culver’s.
19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?
Oh, they do. As Blue Girl pointed out, the spare a square episode is a classic example. But they even have the Charmin commercials built on the old saying, “Does a bear shit in the woods?” Sometimes I think we have gone too far.
20. What's a soylent green popsicle?
When the heat goes out at the retirement home.
21. What does it taste like?
Brylcreem and nostalgia.
22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?
Because they’re too busy crashing cars to stop and pick them up.
23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?
Not before he asks the CIA if it’s a nook-u-ler centrifuge that could be used to make WMD.