Taxicab Neoconfessions

WASHINGTON, DC - 4:37 p.m.

ALBERTO GONZALES gets into the cab. His hair is frazzled, his tie askew.

DRIVER
Where to?

GONZALES
Take me to...to my, uh....shoot, I can’t remember. Just drive for a bit and let me check my e-mail.

DRIVER
Long day?

GONZALES
Longest of my life. I was in hearings all day.

DRIVER
You a lawyer?

GONZALES
Well, not exactly.

DRIVER
Defendant?

GONZALES
Uh, not exactly.

DRIVER
Did you win?

GONZALES
Mmm, not exactly.

DRIVER
Are we filming a Hertz commercial here?

GONZALES
Not exact—I mean, no.

DRIVER
So what was the hearing about?

GONZALES
You know, the Man hassling me about rules this and regulations that and mumbo jumbo about undermining democracy for partisan political gain. Let me ask you a question. You have to follow a lot of “rules” when you drive a cab, right?

DRIVER
Sure.

GONZALES
Now what if you had to follow the same rules that cabbies had to follow in 1776? That would be stupid right?

DRIVER
Sure. Lots of things have changed since then.

GONZALES
Exactly! And sometimes you speed, right? Because you’re trying to serve your clients better, even though it’s “against the law.”

DRIVER
Yeah, of course.

GONZALES
And if a passenger doesn’t do what you tell him to do, you hogtie him and lock him in the trunk with a dirty sock in his mouth until he learns to play ball. Am I right?

DRIVER
Uh, not exactly.

GONZALES
Stop!

The cab screeches to a halt. Gonzales sits in the back. The Driver taps the wheel.

DRIVER
So...

GONZALES
Hey, why are we stopped?

DRIVER
You said stop.

GONZALES
No I didn’t.

DRIVER
Yeah you did.

GONZALES
Yeah, I think I’d remember that..

Gonzales’s phone rings. He answers,

GONZALES
Hola! Hey honey. (Slaps head) Right, right, I’m sorry. Be there soon. (He hangs up the phone and addresses the driver). I’m supposed to be at home!

DRIVER
Where is that?

GONZALES
It’s....uh....oh crap, not again....


WASHINGTON, DC - 4:18 a.m.

A man, wearing a black ski mask, throws a shotgun in the back of the cab. He’s covered in blood. When he removes his mask, his bald head is blurred, but the female DRIVER’s eyes go wide with recognition.

DRIVER
Hey, you’re Vice...

DICK
Just call me Dick and get us the fuck out of here.

The Driver steps on the gas. She looks back at him.

DRIVER
So what happened?

DICK
You know that thing I had a while ago? Me, an old man, out hunting...?

DRIVER
Yes, when you shot that old man in the face.

DICK
It sort of happened again.

DRIVER
You shot him again?

DICK
No, not him, another old man. Let’s call him Harry Tweed.

DRIVER
So you shot this Harry Tweed while you were hunting?

DICK
Not hunting per se. I was in his kitchen. With the lights off.

DRIVER
What did he do to you that made you want to hide in his kitchen with a shotgun?

DICK
See, when you put it like that, it sounds so sinister. Let’s say someone’s trying to kill your family. You know it, but you can’t prove it. You’d do anything to protect them right?

DRIVER
Of course.

DICK
Now what if there were a bunch of other guys keeping you from protecting your family? They keep demanding proof and evidence, and you just know those pompous fuckwits are going to get your family killed. What would you do to them?

DRIVER
I’d probably...

DICK
I tell you what you’d do, you’d sneak into his kitchen and let him know he and his pals better knock this shit off. But then he starts yelling and threatening to call the police, which makes the ringing in my head start again, louder and louder, and I know the only way to make it stop is if I can make this asshole stop yelling! (pauses) So I did.

DRIVER
You fired a shot!

DICK
Yeah. Well, more precisely, four shots.

DRIVER
But that’s only a double-barreled shotgun.

DICK
I accidentally reloaded. Listen, take this exit here to the Potomac. I need to drop this thing off.


GEORGETOWN, 12:15 a.m.

A male DRIVER picks up two passengers, a man and a woman. Their faces are blurred.

MAN (slurry)
Watergate Hotel. And make it snappy. (Embracing the woman) I got an Executive Branch in my pocket. Heh-heh-heh.

WOMAN (also slurry)
Oh, you’re so naughty! Are you going to veto me?

MAN
Over and over, Nancy.

WOMAN
Goddamnit, Georg...io! I told you ix nay on the names-ay.

MAN
Sorry, you know my Spanish is no good! (To the driver) This here’s my mistress (gets elbowed by the Woman), ow! This here’s my wife, Nancy, uh, Drew. She solves crimes.

DRIVER
What kind of crimes do you solve?

WOMAN
Oh, you know, things like falsifying information, Constitutional violations...

MAN
You said we weren’t going to talk about that stuff tonight.

DRIVER
Sounds like you two have some issues to work out.

MAN
We’re trying to, man...

WOMAN
Yeah, you’re trying real hard. You didn’t stick up for me when Limbaugh called me “Nancy Fancy Feast” because I was “a spoiled pussy.”

MAN
What about you? That dirty hippy artist gave you a picture of me made out his own boogers, and you didn’t say anything.

WOMAN
I was just protecting his freedom of speech!

MAN
Oh, like you protected mine when I said Iraq had weapons?

DRIVER
You know, I see this all the time. The more couples fight, the more they really love each other.

MAN
He’s right. I do hate it when we fight.

WOMAN
Me too. I’m sorry I accepted the booger picture.

MAN
I’m sorry I didn’t have Limbaugh killed. (They make out fiercely for a moment.) What do you say we uh, raise the flag for bipartisan relations?

WOMAN
How long have you been working on that one?

MAN (quietly)
Since last week.

DRIVER
Here we are. (To Man) Say, would you be willing to sign this release?

MAN
Sure! (starts signing)

WOMAN
Georgio, no!

The Man signs the form, and the blurs over their faces disappear just before the picture cuts out.