Thursday, October 26, 2006

"Who Shit My Pants?"

The Offical GOP Guide to Assigning Blame

God doesn’t make mistakes. We know this because He says so.

The Republican Party is God’s party. We know this because we say so. And therefore, the Republican Party doesn’t make mistakes.

However, mistakes do happen around Republicans. Godless, crack-smoking, bath house-visiting liberals often try to assign these mistakes to our colleagues, “blaming” them for their actions.

The following quiz will help you calibrate your ability to assign blame properly, no matter what hits the fan. Answer these questions, tally up your score, and see how well you can splatter responsibility on the correct party...and not the right party.

1) You get caught taking illegal campaign contributions from a Republican fundraiser.

Who is to blame?

a) The fundraiser, for carelessly leaving behind a large sum of money that you were only trying to return to its rightful owner.

b) Laws, for making what should be perfectly legal contributions illegal.

c) George Soros, because he has more money than God, which is an affront to God and leaves God’s party no choice but to take money from the Devil.

2) You make a racially insensitive remark about a colored person of darkness color.

Who is to blame?

a) The person of color, for not being non-colored and therefore calling attention to himself at your rally.

b) The media, for only reporting the remark you said about the colored boy and not reporting that you referred to the ignorant white trash that support you as your “Cracker Jacks.”

c) The Civil Rights Movement, for making the coloreds all sensitive about primate-based nicknames.

3) Your ex-wife accuses you of forcing her to go to sex clubs.

Who is to blame?

a) Your ex-wife, for not obeying the words of St. Paul about wives obeying their husbands.

b) St. Paul, for not being more specific about whether taking your wife to sex clubs is wrong. If you had only known that this sort of behavior was frowned upon, you never would have done it.

c) Clinton’s penis, for creating a gravitational rift in the sex-time continuum that pulled you, against your will, into the front row next to the stage.

4) An underage Congressional page accuses you of sending lewd instant messages and e-mails.

Who is to blame?

a) The page, for getting you all horny with his smooth, hairless skin, firm, defined abs, and...uh, the page.

b) Alcohol, for messing up your motor skills and causing you to drop the “Y” from your intended message, “R U HARDY?”

c) The Catholic Church, for giving you the how-to manual.

5) As Speaker of the House, you find out one of your party members is getting hot and heavy with an underage page...and do nothing until the media finds out years later.

Who is to blame?

a) The media, for always trying to find things out that should be handled privately and after general elections.

b) The gays, for pretending to hate the poor, minorities, Muslims, women, and other gays so they could sneak in as Republicans and schtup the party from inside.

c) Democrats, for saying it’s legal for two consensual adults to have an affair, but not a man and a boy, even though NAMBLA are Nancy Pelosi’s constituents and that means she supports man-on-boy relationships. Talk about a bait and switch!

6) You ignore warnings about an impending terrorist attack until after the terrorists attack.

Who is to blame?

a) The terrorists, for not being more specific about when and how they would attack.

b) Brush, for always growing and needing to be cleared right before terrorists love to launch major operations.

c) The Pet Goat, for being so darn interesting that you couldn’t put it down no matter what.

7) On a hunting trip, you shoot an old man in the face.

Who is to blame?

a) The senile old fool, for not watching where he was going, duh!

b) The Matrix, for making you think that people could dodge bullets if they really try.

c) Your freshman English teacher, for brainwashing you into thinking hunting men was dangerous and exciting.

8) You launch a major invasion of a country because you suspect it of having weapons of mass destruction, only to find only a few old, outdated shells.

Who is to blame?

a) The weapons, for not being more massive or destructive.

b) The CIA, for not planting newer weapons like they were supposed to.

c) The U.N. weapons inspectors, for not acting more competent so that we would believe them when they said there were no weapons.

9) You try to sell the idea of the invasion by saying our troops will be greeted as liberators. They are instead greeted as invaders.

Who do you blame?

a) The country’s citizens, for mistaking 200,000 heavily armed troops and a major air campaign as an “invasion.”

b) Our country's liberals, for making the same mistake.

c) The media, for failing to capitalize the “l” in “Liberators,” which would have preserved the original meaning that our troops would be greeted as heavy-duty bombers.

10) You and your party just got swept out of office.

Who is to blame?

a) The media, for exercising freedom of the press.

b) The Democrats, for hating freedom.

c) Democracy, for getting in the way of your freedom to do what you want.


Brownie tracks
You’ve done a heck of a job...of convincing us you're responsible. Your efforts to shift blame are as obvious as the sag in your seat, which will weigh down your chances of keeping your seat.

Skid marked

You’ve cleaned up nicely, but with a little digging, we can still see some remnants of the blame game. Don’t forget to bleach thoroughly with a snow job.

Tidy whitey
Not only are you clean as a whistle, you’ve managed to fling your feces at others and make it stick. Say, are you free around November 2008?


Hope V said...

This is hilarious!

Brando said...

Thanks, hope.

The Truffle said...

Wheeeeeee! This is too funny!