Special extended opening weekend coverage edition!
15) Locked kids in basement with four-month supply of food, water, and homework.
14) Locked wife in bedroom with four-month supply of food, water, and batteries.
13) Reached under the table for big envelope from booster.
12) Had other thumb broken by bookie.
11) Put Hank Williams, Jr., in stress position and blared “Are You Ready for Some Football” song over and over until he confessed to being member of Al Qaeda.
10) Left divorce papers under the remote control before leaving with Jacques.
9) Called agent to arrange bond.
8) Removed draw string from sweats so we could finish off the nachos.
7) Bought Arizona Cardinals season tickets. Seriously. No, really, they're going to be good this year. Stop laughing.
6) Slaughtered our fattest calf and fed it to John Madden.
5) Placed spoon by coffee table in case 10 straight hours of football produced a seizure again.
4) Told the quarterback he better quit wiggling his goddamned fingers before the snap.
3) Found out when we had to take midterms for the starting defense.
2) Lamented how football has undermined the academic aspirations of youth and debased the intellect of the masses and...hey, where is everyone going?
1) Peed into a cup and prayed.