Special extended opening weekend coverage edition!
15) Locked kids in basement with four-month supply of food, water, and homework.
14) Locked wife in bedroom with four-month supply of food, water, and batteries.
13) Reached under the table for big envelope from booster.
12) Had other thumb broken by bookie.
11) Put Hank Williams, Jr., in stress position and blared “Are You Ready for Some Football” song over and over until he confessed to being member of Al Qaeda.
10) Left divorce papers under the remote control before leaving with Jacques.
9) Called agent to arrange bond.
8) Removed draw string from sweats so we could finish off the nachos.
7) Bought Arizona Cardinals season tickets. Seriously. No, really, they're going to be good this year. Stop laughing.
6) Slaughtered our fattest calf and fed it to John Madden.
5) Placed spoon by coffee table in case 10 straight hours of football produced a seizure again.
4) Told the quarterback he better quit wiggling his goddamned fingers before the snap.
3) Found out when we had to take midterms for the starting defense.
2) Lamented how football has undermined the academic aspirations of youth and debased the intellect of the masses and...hey, where is everyone going?
1) Peed into a cup and prayed.
6 comments:
11) Cutting Rothlisberger's brake fluid lines...
PS I need some input from you (and probably TLB) on my latest post...
12) Watching some sweaty europeans and south americans battle it out for title of best footballers in the world... oh wait, wrong football!
Yuck. Is it going to smell like a locker room in here?!
AG, there will probably be more football posting as time goes on, but there is good ol' fashioned sociopoliticocultural satire percolating. The opening weekend of the NFL season is a holy day of obligation for me.
UGH. I hate sports. I really really hate them. I hate even more when UC wants to sit on his couch and yell about them. Hate sports!
AG: Do you just go around looking for posts on subjects that repel you so that you can comment on them?
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