Republicans demand assessment of when monkeys will fly out of Iran’s butt

GOP leaders believe current intelligence timetable of "when pigs fly" too unrealistic.

WASHINGTON - In the debate over Iran's nuclear ambitions and potential development of nuclear weapons, some Republican leaders have criticized the intelligence community for not taking another threat more seriously: the potential for monkeys to fly out of Iran's butt.

Republican Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, head of the House Intelligence Committee, stated, "This issue isn't even on the CIA's radar, and I find that very disturbing."

The concern stems from a classified CIA report—based on raw, uncorroborated intelligence sources—that concludes: "Iran may be trying to as the pull something out of its ass. We are not sure what it is, but it could be something significant and unprecedented."

Hoekstra and several other Republicans, after reading the report, immediately reached the conclusion of flying monkeys. "Think about it,” said Hoekstra. "'Significant' and 'unprecedented.' Well, flying monkeys are significant. Anyone who's watched the Wizard of Oz knows exactly what a well-trained army of flying monkeys can do. And such a feat would be unprecedented." Hoekstra added that North Korea was rumored to have developed monkeys that could be lodged in the rectum, but had not been able to get them to fly.

Hoekstra was not alone in his concern. Vice President Cheney has long suspected Iran of harboring anally-delivered flying monkeys and has made this his pet project. "Imagine the chaos that could cause," the Vice President said the cable-television show Hardball.

"Let's say Iran develops this monkey technology and decides to give it to a terrorist organization," said Vice President Cheney. "The terrorists implant these monkeys into their butts, sneak into New York, and boom, next thing you know, you've got a cloud of flying monkeys over Manhattan. Now, in the best-case scenario, those monkeys only fling feces. But that alone could cause catastrophic economic disruptions on Wall Street. In the worst-case scenario...they’re flinging thermonuclear weapons."

The stock market has since dropped 350 points on rumors of the flying monkey threat.

Under this intense pressure from the White House, the CIA upgraded its assessment of this Iranian airborne monkey threat from “never in a million years,” to "when pigs fly," completely skipping one classification level, "when hell freezes over."

Intelligence analysts criticized Republicans for jumping to conclusions “For starters, we're not even sure that these monkeys are harmful," said a senior intelligence official who wished to remain invisible. "They could be peaceful helper monkeys. Honestly, we need more analysis from sources inserted in Iran before we dump a report on the president's desk. But people in the administration are stove-piping this raw data directly into the back door of the White House.”

Still, others called the CIA assessment too cautious. "The intelligence community says that Iran will have flying butt-monkeys when pigs fly," said Newt Gingrich, former Republican speaker of the House of Representatives, "I ask: 'What if North Korea were to put those monkeys in Iran's butt tomorrow? How close would they be then?' We can't just close our eyes and hope for the fairy tale ending."

But one intelligence veteran who has ample experience with flying butt-monkey proliferation remained skeptical. "Iran will have monkeys flying out of their butts? Chyah, right! It'll happen right after Heather Locklear gets in a sandwich with me and Garth."