Friday, August 18, 2006

Wasps in an Office

The following is based on a true story. With the exception of one cobag, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

(And no, I haven't seen the movie yet.)

Inside a row of cubicles in a typical office. BRANDO stands at the wall, talking to his coworker, MARY.

BRANDO
I know, I was like, what’s up with that skirt she’s wearing? Are they remaking Desperately Seeking Susan? I swear they’ll let anybody onto Project Runway.

MARY
Hey, there’s a wasp by your head.

Brando ducks and swats at it. The wasp buzzes around his head.

BRANDO
Agh! If he lands on my head, I’ll never get him out with all the product in my hair. You have to kill him.

Mary grabs a three-ring binder.

MARY
I swear to God, how does your wife put up with you?

BRANDO
I could tell you but it would violate the company HR policy. Just kill this fucking thing.

Mary swats at the wasp. She misses and hits Brando in the head.

BRANDO
Ow!

MARY (looking at the binder)
Here's a tip: try not using all the gel at once.

She looks down at the desk and sees the wasp. She slams the binder down on it.

MARY
Gotcha!

BRANDO
Look, up at the lights!

In the florescent lights above the cubicle, several wasps buzz around. More appear from the ceiling. They immediately head for Brando and Mary. Brando runs around frantically swatting at them while Mary dispatches two more with her binder.

BRANDO
Don’t just stand there, get help!

MARY
Alright, keep your panties on. (Dials phone)

CUT TO
The company parking lot.

MUSIC
“Mary Mary” by Run DMC

A white van pulls up, coming close until we see the license plate: BUGGIN.

A man gets out wearing a white jumpsuit uniform. He pulls on white gloves, straps on a white exterminator’s tank, sprays some applicator in his jheri curl, and dons a pair of dark sunglasses. It’s SAMUEL JACKSON.

CUT TO
Inside the office. Brando sits with a sandwich while shooing wasps with a flyswatter. Jackson strolls up the cubicle


MARY
Are you the bug man?

JACKSON
Bug man? Lady, do I look like fucking Tom DeLay? I’m an exterminator, and I've been sent back in time to kill some motherfucking insects. Now, let me guess. You must be Brando, right?

BRANDO
Right.

JACKSON
What you eating for lunch there, Brando?

BRANDO
Pan-Panera.

JACKSON
Panera! That’s the bread place, right? See, my girlfriend’s a Subway manager, so she don’t like it when I cheat on her and go to Panera. I’ve eaten so much Subway my name should be fucking Jared. What kind of sandwich is that?

BRANDO
Asiago roast beef.

JACKSON (raising eyebrows)
Asiago roast beef! Would you mind if I had a bite of your Asiago roast beef?

BRANDO
Sure.

Jackson takes a bite.

JACKSON
Mmm, mmm! That is a tasty sandwich. (Points to a plastic cup) What’s in this?

BRANDO
Iced chai tea.

Jackson casts a knowing glance to Mary

MARY
I know, I know, but he swears he’s married. To a woman.

JACKSON (to Brando)
Do you mind if I wash this Asiago roast beef down with your tasty beverage?

BRANDO
No.

Jackson sips the straw until the iced tea is gone.

BRANDO
Listen, I’m sorry, are you going to, what did you say, kill these motherfucking insects?

JACKSON (leaning in menacingly)
Let me ask the questions, Brando. Now, what does a wasp look like?

BRANDO
What?

JACKSON
What ain’t no bug! What does a wasp look like?

BRANDO
What?!

JACKSON (Aiming the spray nozzle at Brando)
Say what one more time, motherfucker? What does a wasp look like?

BRANDO
It’s black!

JACKSON
Go on!

BRANDO
It’s winged.

JACKSON (yelling)
Does it look like a fly?

BRANDO
What?

He sprays pesticide in Brando’s face. Brando screams.

BRANDO
No!!!

JACKSON
Then why’d you try and treat it like a fly? (knocks flyswatter out of Brando’s hand)

MARY (yelps and grabs arm)
Ow! I just got stung.

Jackson turns around to see a wasp buzzing. He raises his nozzle and fires. He sees another on the desk and shoots pesticide. He sees three on the window and fires three quick bursts.

JACKSON
Ever see A Bug’s Life? Well I’m directing the sequel, A Bug’s Death!

He lets loose a flurry of shots, dropping two dozen wasps. He pauses after a moment. The room is silent except for Brando’s sniffling. Faintly, a buzzing begins. It grows louder. Brando wipes his eyes and stands.

BRANDO
What’s that buzzing?

JACKSON
It’s your mama’s vibrator, what do you think it is?

BRANDO
But...but how? You killed all those wasps.

JACKSON
Correction, I killed some of those wasps.

The buzzing gets louder.

MARY
They sound like they’re right in the cubicle.

BRANDO
That’s impossible, I don’t see them.

MARY
Well maybe they’re invisible wasps, genius!

Jackson looks up at the ceiling tiles.

JACKSON
Do those come off?

He balances himself on a chair, flips on a flashlight attached to his glasses, and slowly raises one of the ceiling tiles. He looks left to right, until he sees a huge swarm of wasps coming down the airshaft toward him. He cries out and falls backward, shooting pesticide at the ceiling.

JACKSON
Run, motherfuckers!

The three sprint for the supply closet as the wasps come at them. Jackson pulls something from his pocket and pulls at it with his teeth.

MARY
What’s that?

JACKSON
A bug bomb!

BRANDO
You can’t use that in here!

JACKSON
Tell that to them! Now run, white boy!

The three sprint as Jackson drops the bug bomb. They dive into the supply closet as the bug bomb explodes. A cloud of white poofs in, causing all of them to cough. When they stop, it’s dead quiet outside. They step back out.

The office is covered in white powder. Glass and debris cover the floor as well. There are dead wasps everywhere.

BRANDO
Oh my God!

MARY
My weekly reports, my spreadsheets...

BRANDO
My Asiago roast beef!

JACKSON
Well, it’s like I said...

CUT TO
Jackson, in a different pose and slightly different office, with no sunglasses and a beard.


JACKSON
We’ve got to do something about these motherfucking wasps in this motherfucking office!

CUT TO
The original Jackson in the original office.


JACKSON
Now if you’ll excuse me, my work here is AAAGGGH!

Jackson screams as a giant wasp, easily 30 feet long, grabs him. His canister falls off his back, and Brando grabs it as the giant wasp flies away. Mary and he climb to the top of a cubicle wall.

JACKSON (writing in agony)
It's the mother of all motherfucking wasps! AAGGHHH! First Deep Blue Sea, now this!

The wasp flies up and chomps Jackson in two.

MARY
Look out, he’s coming around again.

The wasp drops Jackson’s body and opens its maw to grab Brando. Mary grabs the canister and throws it in the wasp's mouth. The wasp takes it and flies away.

MARY
Grab those staplers.

Mary and Brando grab a stapler and swing them open. As the wasp circles back, they fire staples.

MARY
Come on and smile you sign of a...

One staple hits the canister and it erupts, spraying the wasp with pesticide. It flies up in the air, smashing through the roof, before plunging again to the ground.

BRANDO (jumping up and down)
We did it! We did it!

THE BOSS, an older white gentleman in a three piece suit who looks like Judge Smails, comes in and sees the damage. He points the Brando and Mary.

BOSS
My word, what on earth happened here? I said to call an exterminator, not destroy the office! (sees Brando and Mary) You! You are going to be fired, and what’s more, you’re going to pay for this mess! Do you hear me, hmm, hmm?

Mary looks at Brando, then at The Boss, and raises her stapler.

MARY
Looks like we’ve got one more WASP to take care of.

CUE MUSIC
“LOVE Machine” by WASP

FADE TO BLACK

10 comments:

almostinfamous said...

so is this like the semi-secret plot to jackson's magnum opus?

and is it going to be directed by robert rodriguez?

Brando said...

LOL, it should be directed by Robert Rodriguez. Except if that was the case, the staplers would be able to fire bullets and rockets.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I am still caught up on the straight man married to a woman who knows fashion and Project Runaway.

teh l4m3 said...

"English muthafuckah, do you understand it???"

Heh.

Brando said...

AG, I am a huge Project Runway fan. They always assemble a good group of contestants, I love the judges, and the challenges are almost always really interesting. In fact the only two shows I watch religiously are that and Lost.

However, I may also be the only man who loves Project Runway and subscribes to NFL Sunday Ticket.

teh, I should have added that in. There is no such thing as a bad Sam Jackson performance.

Chuckles said...

That was pretty damn slick. I like how you tied in a bunch of muthafuckan movies and not all of them by Sam muthafuckan Jackson.

almostinfamous said...

even i like project whatsit.

lot better than america's top tyra banks, where it seems to be mostly, "look at me, i'm tyra banks, bitch! i've got naturally wonderful boobies*, and i made millions with them and continue to do so while you feel woefully inadequate!!" although this maybe because it's not about models and about designers.

PS: note to brando, you might want to look into correcting a typo on your 3B! name... it goes to cjds.blogamaspot.com. just FYI

(*i think i've helped brando's traffic a lot :-D)

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I gotta say, you say that you heart Project Runaway like only a good straight boy can. It the closet, that is.

Brando said...

AG, I could never get past the thought of stubbly kisses (not that there's anything wrong with that). Not sure how you ladies manage it, quite frankly.

aif, thanks for the 3B proofing.

chuckles, thanks. Thought maybe I tried to pack in too much. I also believe every movie can be made better with Sam Muthafucking Jackson.

Michelle said...

You took some serious artistic license there. Mary was the one who brought the Asiago roast beef from Panera. I believe Brando was eating a Nutri-System meal while impersonating Santino impersonating Tim Gunn..."Andre? Andre?" Other than that, it's exactly how I remember it.