Special expanded they-grow-up-so-soon edition!
12) Having them walk through metal detectors before entering the sandbox.
11) Ripping out the chapters on evolution.
10) Replacing their crystal meth with Folger’s Crystals.
9) Transferring them from Catholic to public school so they’ll be safe from sexual predators.
8) Reminding them gently that if they don’t get into Harvard, mommy will start drinking again.
7) Practicing their gang signs flash cards.
6) Cutting practice short to introduce them to the kids who will take their tests.
5) Making sure they have a fresh box of Kraft Munchables, the tasty lunch-and-dental dam snack.
4) Pinning their chastity pledges to the crotches of their pants.
3) Helping them revise their rumors about the head cheerleader having crabs.
2) Searching their rooms for the drugs they’ve been taking from us all summer.
1) Hiring Karl Rove, Jr., to run their campaign for class president.