"I do not think you know what those words mean"

"My name is Brando Montoya. You coopted some of my favorite songs. Prepare to die."

Blue Girl hipped me to this.

The National Review, the place where conservatives who aren't smart enough for business or politics find work, picked their Top 50 "conservative" rock songs. (Don't fear the linkage-- it goes to the New York Times.)

So you're probably thinking that the top 10 are all Ted Nugent and Sammy Haggar songs, right? Oh, my sweet, deluded, liberal child, think again...

1. "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who
2. "Taxman" by The Beatles
3. "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones

Here is the actual logic for #3:

The devil is a tempter who leans hard on moral relativism — he will try to make you think that "every cop is a criminal / And all the sinners saints." What's more, he is the sinister inspiration for the cruelties of Bolshevism: "I stuck around St. Petersburg / When I saw it was a time for a change / Killed the czar and his ministers / Anastasia screamed in vain."

Just before my head explodes from cognitive dissonance, Skynnard's "Sweet Home Ala-awful Fucking Song" and the Beach Boys appear next, which briefly reduces my cranial swelling. Even U2's "Gloria" is not a shocker at #6 -- I will let them coopt U2's Christian rock if it means keeping Stryper off of any list.

But then #7 and #8 hit like a pair of roundhouse kicks to each cultural testicle:

7. "Revolution" by The Beatles
8. "Bodies" by The are-you-freaking-kidding-me Sex Pistols

What else shows up? How about "Rock the Casbah" as the best Middle East air sortie song evar? Blue Oyster Cult's "Godzilla" as an anti-environmental anthem? Or "Who'll Stop the Rain" from Creedence Clearwater Revival, with this explanation:

Written as an anti—Vietnam War song, this tune nevertheless is pessimistic about activism and takes a dim view of both Communism and liberalism: "Five—year plans and new deals, wrapped in golden chains . . ."

Yes, and "Fortunate Son" is all about how it's okay to support a war without fighting in it.

The most frightening thing is that this is all done with a straight face. The members of the most respected conservative publication (pause for laughter) seriously think Joe Strummer was on their side. I mean, what's next? Rage Against the Machine's "Bulls on Parade" as a pro-Wall Street song? Ministry's "Stigmata" as an homage to St. Francis of Assisi and Catholicism? Maybe they should ask Neil Young for permission to use "Keep on Rocking in the Free World" at the next Republican National Convention. Cause one thing you can't do if you're not free is rock! Jeb could even revive the "thousand points of light" platform.

The one good thing about all of this: after reading the lyric excerpts and snake-swallowing-its-tail circular logic, I understand the push to invade Iraq much more clearly than before. "See this, these three lines say 'Saddam may have WMD.' It's like this report is speaking to me, man! Gimme another hit."

You know who I really pity? The Nuge. 50 chances to score, and the bow-hunting, jerky-making, flag-humping Motor City Blandman can't beat out After the Fire (!) and The Scorpions' "Winds of Change," a song so bad it made East Germany long for Der Kommissars to ban rock and roll again.

I guess this means if Condi winds up running for president, we won't hear "Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang" at her rallies.

P.S. Lance Mannion has some good thoughts about how conservatives can't even interpret the Beach Boys properly.