Why Elephant Supporters Aren't Funny But Ass Lovers Crack Us Up

A Circle Jerk editorial
(and our own attempt at a conservative joke at the bottom, if you could give a rat's ass about our opinion)

The editorial staff members of CJatSD believe that laughter knows no politics. Yes, this blog tends to do things like turn Karl Rove into King Kong. However, that's not so much because we hate unscrupulous Republican kingmakers, but because we think monkeys are funny. So despite the amount of side-splitting freedom hatin' that takes place at this Blogspot dive, we welcome anyone who can make us laugh, regardless of whether they believe hot gay action should be allowed openly in society or discretely relegated to the nearest diocese.

In fact, before the set-up sperm met the punch-line egg that conceived this blog, we tried to find some Internets conservatives who made us laugh. Clarification: who intentionally made us laugh. We found bupkis.

So we took special interest in a heated debate that recently sprung up about who brings the funny on the goose-stepping conservative side of the blogosphere. Fables of the Reconstruction began the GOP-funny-bone-tickling with a post, Where Are All the Funny Conservative Bloggers? He asked this question:

Is there a genetic link between humor and political outlook? Is there just some birth defect that prevents right-wingers from being funny?

Seeing as we have always been funny, even when we were brown-shirted Reagan youths in the 80s, we initially believed the answer was no. But then we read this rebuttal from the "humorous" conservative bloggers at IMAO:

The only thing I've seemed to notice as a key difference between liberals making jokes about politics and conservatives making jokes about politics is that conservatives seem to be able to laugh at themselves more. I poke fun of my own beliefs all the time here. Yet, I've never seen a liberal making fun of the common liberal beliefs he or she holds dear - even with all the material that's available! (Just think of Howard Dean alone!)

Hah hah, Howard Dean! Nothing says "zing" like GOP talking points. And everyone knows that Dick Cheney is famous for being able to take a joke.

IMAO also provided this comedy gem of how the other half laughs:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH DEMOCRATS THESE DAYS?

* Just don't demagogue like they used to.
* Too many carbs.
* No sense of humor.
* Only ones with sense of humor. Really! You only think you're laughing, you stupid conservatives!
* Needs more cowbell.
* Everyone is dumb except for them.
* Everyone has sense except for them.
* Too much fear of the reaper.
* Bush looks like a chimp and you can't compete with chimps because people love chimps!
* Thought of them taking on terrorists is laughable.
* Actually, being called a Democrat is more an insult to one's manhood than having it insinuated you're gay.
* And charges of Demophobia aren't shaming people.

IMAO reminds me of the guy in Roxanne who tries to insult Steve Martin by calling him Big Nose. At least we agree on the chimp part.

But surely, there must be funny conservatives, right? Scrappleface was another one that was suggested. It's a lot like The Onion, if you surgically removed the Onion's sense of humor. These people should be voting for Hillary in 2008 because they're clearly out of material.

We visited Iowahawk, who seems to be the Feldman to our Kramer. On the one hand, we appreciated him trying to write something funny about the terrorists. We've tried to do that, but have failed because we clearly love terror too much to mock it. At the same time, we also get the same vibe from him that we got from annoying uberdork Gabriel Koerner in Trekkies. Maybe we would laugh if he had pointy ears.

Furthermore, nothing we found on the "funny" conservative blogs was nearly as funny as what some of our favorite Al-Queda-run blogs said about why conservatives have trouble being funny. Sadly No! showed that you're in big trouble when your jokes make one long for the comedic stylings of Kenny Banya (Ovaltine, Jerry!). TBogg makes a good point that, like everything else in life, the answer involves sex.

But if there's one thing we at CJatSD love only slightly less than an effortless cakewalk, it's a challenge. Can we put ourselves in the shoes of those we mock? Can we bring the comedy pain from the other side of the aisle? Can we make Mallard Fillmore look like fois grois?

Our attempt at a joke for conservatives
in handy red-state red

Two Arabs walk into a detention center and approach a U.S. Army sergeant and a CIA officer. One Arab leads the other, who has his hands tied behind his back.

The first Arab says, "I'd like to report that this man is a terrorist."

The second Arab raises his head proudly, proclaiming, "It is true. Death to America! I will not rest until I have killed all the infidels in Iraq!"

The sergeant says to the first Arab, "Thank you for bringing this man in. You have saved the lives of my fellow soldiers and your people." He motions for the guards to take the second Arab away.

The CIA officer asks the first Arab, "Would you mind answering a few more questions?" The first Arab says of course, and he follows the CIA officer into a back room.

After about an hour, the sergeant wonders where the CIA officer is and walks to the room. When he enters, he sees the first Arab is chained in a stress position. The CIA officer is sodomizing him with a glowstick and beating him with urine-soaked Koran. "Jesus Christ!" the sergeant says, "What are you doing?"

The CIA agent answers, "Making sure he isn't an accomplice."

See, because all Arabs are terrorists. Get it?

Okay, maybe we do understand the problem now....