Full Metal Nipples

At a female boot camp, three women stand at ease: PRIVATES PRINCESS, THUNDER THIGHS, and BUFFY. They have backpacks near their feet. As the female DRILL SERGEANT enters, the three snap to attention.

THUNDER THIGHS
Ten, hut!

DRILL SERGEANT
All right, listen up! Today I’m going to change you self-absorbed bitches into caring mothers who deserve the little bundles of joy that squirt out between your legs. That lesson is breastfeeding! Do any of you panty liners know why breastfeeding is so important?

Thunder Thighs raises her hand.

DRILL SERGEANT
Private Thunder Thighs.

THUNDER THIGHS
Ma'am, because it gives babies the nutrients they need, ma'am!

DRILL SERGEANT
That’s right. And thanks to your love of Ding Dongs, chubby, you’ll have plenty of milk for your children.

THUNDER THIGHS
Ma’am, thank you, ma’am!

DRILL SERGEANT
What else? Private Buffy?

BUFFY
Ma’am, it creates a...(straining to remember) a chronological bond between the baby and the mommy, ma’am.

DRILL SERGEANT
Goddammit, that’s “psychological bond,” blondie. Jesus, you better not homeschool your children.

Princess raises her hand.

DRILL SERGEANT
What is it, Private Princess?

PRINCESS
Ma’am, why can’t we just bottle feed, ma’am?

The Drill Sergeant becomes angry and gets in Princess’s face.

DRILL SERGEANT
Private Princess! Why don’t you just stick a fucking funnel in your child’s mouth and pour rat poison into it? Is that what you want to do?

PRINCESS
Ma’am, no ma’am.

The Drill Sergeant removes her hat and hits Princess over the head with it.

DRILL SEARGEANT
Then don’t feed your child a bottle full of Enfa-swill! (To all the privates) When I get through with you lousy, selfish, formula-feeding whores, your nipples may ache and your goddamned tits may sag to the ground, but you will be good mothers. Do you understand?

PRIVATES (together)
Ma’am, yes, ma’am!

DRILL SERGEANT
Now if there are no more stupid questions, the first thing you have to do to breastfeed properly is know your breasts. So grab ‘em and raise ‘em up, ladies.

Thunder Thighs and Buffy grab their breasts. Princess hesitates. The drill sergeant gets back in Princess’s face.

DRILL SERGEANT
Great Gloria Steinem, did I tell you to wait? Hoist those hooters now!

Princess grabs hers, obviously shaken up.

DRILL SERGEANT
Now repeat after me: “These are my breasts...”

PRIVATES (together, but weakly)
These are my breasts.

DRILL SERGEANT
Sound off like you’ve got a pair! “These are my breasts!”

PRIVATES (together, much louder)
These are my breasts!

DRILL SERGEANT
There are many like them, but these ones are mine!

PRIVATES (together)
There are many like them, but these ones are mine!

DRILL SERGEANT
Good. Now it’s time to check your breast milk. Get out your sample cups.

The privates take plastic cups out of their backpacks. They snap back to attention.

DRILL SERGEANT
Present..left breast, huh!

They grab their left breasts.

DRILL SERGEANT
Ready sample glass...Begin breastmilk delivery!

They squeeze milk into the cups.

DRILL SERGEANT
(Exaggerated annunciation) Cease...breastmilk...delivery!

They stop squeezing. The Drill Sergeant goes to Thunder Thighs and drinks from the cup.

DRILL SERGEANT
Mmmm, sweet and creamy. That’s like fresh buttermilk coming out of there. Excellent work, Private Thunder Thighs.

PVT. THUNDER THIGHS
Ma’am, I’m glad you found my breastmilk pleasing, ma’am!

The Drill Sergeant goes to Buffy and drinks, then spits.

DRILL SERGEANT
What is that, blondie, skim milk? From now on, you are to follow Private Thunder Thighs and eat what she eats or you’ll be on tampon patrol for a month!

PVT. BUFFY
Ma’am, yes, ma’am!

The Drill Sergeant moves over to Princess. Princess looks visibly nervous. The Drill Sergeant looks down at the cup.

DRILL SERGEANT
Private Princess, can you tell me why there is no milk in this cup?

PRIVATE PRINCESS
Ma’am, I don’t know, ma’am.

DRILL SERGEANT
You don’t know? You don’t know? What the fuck kind of answer is that?

PVT. PRINCESS (near tears)
Ma’am, I don’t know, ma’am.

DRILL SERGEANT
You worthless maxi pad! I’ll get some milk out of you! Where’s your breastpump?

The Drill Sergeant dumps out Princess’s backpack. A bottle and a can of formula fall to the floor.

DRILL SERGEANT
Oh my God! What the fuck is this?!

PVT. PRINCESS
Ma’am, I can explain...

DRILL SERGEANT
You don’t fucking deserve the milk juggs God gave you, so I’m taking them away!

The Drill Sergeant tries to twist Princess’s breasts. Princess screams in pain and loses it. She knocks the Drill Sergeant down, jumps on top of her, and shoves the bottle in her mouth.

PVT. PRINCESS
Taste my selfish artificial whore’s milk, you goddamned nipple Nazi!

The Drill Sergeant collapses, choking on the bottle of milk. Pvt. Princess stands above her, heaving with rage.)

PVT. PRINCESS
I will be a good mother! I WILL!!!

Pvt. Princess breaks down into tears and runs off the stage. Pvts. Buffy and Thunder Thighs watch as Princess leaves. Private Buffy looks at the Drill Sergeant.

PVT. BUFFY
The Sergeant was right, that stuff will kill you.