Thursday, April 28, 2011
Vegas
I'm off to Sin City again, where I'm sure I'll be hearing this voice every single facking day. Back next week, hopefully with some interesting tales to tell.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
It is a glorious day today. Not just because we get reminded that some nice bloke took the trouble of dying for our inability to resist forbidden apples from smooth-talking serpents. But because I have my life back. My company launched our new site this week, and I finally feel like I found a grove of banana trees to satisfy the monkey that’s been screeching on my back for two months.
Of course, I’ve now entered the “looks great, here’s something I found wrong” phase of the project, but that’s so much easier to deal with than preparing to launch a site.
It is a glorious day today. Not just because we get reminded that some nice bloke took the trouble of dying for our inability to resist forbidden apples from smooth-talking serpents. But because I have my life back. My company launched our new site this week, and I finally feel like I found a grove of banana trees to satisfy the monkey that’s been screeching on my back for two months.
Of course, I’ve now entered the “looks great, here’s something I found wrong” phase of the project, but that’s so much easier to deal with than preparing to launch a site.
Tune time....
1) “Letter to My Son,” Bloc Party. Dear Jesus, I’m really sorry you have to go through with this whole crucifixion thing. At the time, the idea of original sin seemed pretty damn original, and I was still a swinging single God, not a Father, so having to send my Son to die for the sins of my creation didn’t seem like a big deal. I wouldn’t call it an oversight because I don’t make those, but I certainly wish I could go back and rethink the process. Problem is, if I did that, those idiots would definitely think I was making a mistake and we can’t have that. So off you go. And no, I can’t send the Holy Spirit, because he’d just freak everyone out and besides, they’d never get the nails through. Love, Your Father Who Art Still in Charge.
2) “Heaven and Hell,” The Who. LOL, iTunes is on a mission from God today. John Entwistle was a funny, funny guy. This is such a great poke at the concept of the afterlife. Of course, I hope the afterlife exists because it’s the only chance I have of seeing the original Who live. Or would that be dead?
3) “Burial,” Peter Tosh. Okay, now iTunes is kind of freaking me out a little bit. Does Genius recognize holidays? Is it building me a special Stations of the Cross playlist? Should I expect to hear Rush’s “The Trees” next Arbor Day?
4) “Shaky City,” The Plimsouls. We have returned to your regularly scheduled secular programming. No vid for this one, so we'll go with the hit.
5) “Mykonos,” Fleet Foxes. The Lovely Becky and I officially rejected the new IFC sitcom Portlandia. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a sketch show from Saturday Night Live’s Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, guitarist of the late, great Sleater-Kinney. They do pieces about Portland specifically and about liberal/progressive culture in general. I love the idea of mocking those things, because it’s good to have your sacred cows roasted. One of my favorite SNL sketches of all time is “Dukakis After Dark” which skewered so many late-80s liberal icons. The problem with Portlandia is that, while it’s very creative and the ideas are original, there are no jokes. We watched an episode where Aimee Mann was working as a housekeeper because the music industry is in the toilet, and while clever, it wasn’t funny, which is important if you’re writing “comedy.” Anyway, this song made me think of that because Fleet Foxes are such a tailor-made NPR liberal band who would be kind of a joke if they weren’t so fucking awesome.
6) “Dear Prudence,” The Beatles. I am a big Beatles fan but not a big White Album fan. Obviously classic, original, groundbreaking, Rolling-Stone-spongeworthy, etc. but much like Portlandia, while I appreciate it, I never found it that much fun to listen to over the years. Well, I was playing some Beatles songs for Libby and played this one, which she liked. I hadn’t heard it in a while and was sucked in by the off-kilter beauty of it. I wound up listening to the whole album again and realized I was completely wrong about it. Except for “Revolution 9,” that sucks just as much as I remember.
7) “Too Much Too Young,” The Specials. With TLB and I both turning 40, we’ve talked lately about being older parents. When we both married at the age of 23, while we didn’t expect to rush right out and start begetting, I don’t think either of us expected to be chasing after a toddler when we were 40. Our parents both had us in their early 20s, so by the time they were 40, we were on our way out the door, not trying to learn how to poop on the potty (well, at least TLB wasn’t). I definitely wish I had the energy I had when I was younger, as I sometimes feel like I’m not active enough with Libby even if I try my best to be. Sometimes Daddy just needs to have a drink and let Yo Gabba Gabba do the baby driving. At the same time, I feel like I got so much stuff out of my system before being a parent. I felt ready and dedicated by the time I held my child in my arms the first time, and in my case, I think that was the right path for me. Even if that means I might be having to poop in a diaper by the time she’s potty training her kids.
8) “Saving My Face,” KT Tunstall. I know this song is about as heavy as a grande skim latte with fat-free whip cream, but I really like her voice. It’s not always easy to be charming when singing.
9) “Safe European Home,” The Clash. There’s a great dual-dynamic to the lyrics here. On the one hand, Strummer seems to be poking a pointed stick at the classic white European fear of vacationing among non-whites. At the same time, he seems to be acknowledging that there is some reason for that fear, that if you poke your jolly sunburned face around certain parts of Kingston, you’re going to be wishing you were back in your safe European home. On top of that, it flat-out rocks, too.
10) “Redmen and Their Wives,” Guided by Voices. I think the concept of the farewell tour should be abolished completely. Case in point: Guided by Voices touring just a few years after their Electrifying Conclusion tour, on their unofficially titled We Could Use the Beer Money Tour. And that’s fine: I love that bands get back together and go back out on the road. I don’t even care if they get back together for the money. I like money, so I appreciate the motivation, and as long as it is convincing, I don’t mind someone faking enjoyment for my benefit. Just don’t call it your final tour unless you all plan to kill yourselves after the last encore.
11) “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” Monty Python. Required listening for me on Good Friday. Can you imagine what the ‘baggers would do if someone tried to make a movie like Life of Brian today? Holy Grail is funnier and more entertaining, but Life of Brian has more balls.
Have a good weekend, and happy whatever-holiday-you-may-or-may-not-be-celebrating.
1) “Letter to My Son,” Bloc Party. Dear Jesus, I’m really sorry you have to go through with this whole crucifixion thing. At the time, the idea of original sin seemed pretty damn original, and I was still a swinging single God, not a Father, so having to send my Son to die for the sins of my creation didn’t seem like a big deal. I wouldn’t call it an oversight because I don’t make those, but I certainly wish I could go back and rethink the process. Problem is, if I did that, those idiots would definitely think I was making a mistake and we can’t have that. So off you go. And no, I can’t send the Holy Spirit, because he’d just freak everyone out and besides, they’d never get the nails through. Love, Your Father Who Art Still in Charge.
2) “Heaven and Hell,” The Who. LOL, iTunes is on a mission from God today. John Entwistle was a funny, funny guy. This is such a great poke at the concept of the afterlife. Of course, I hope the afterlife exists because it’s the only chance I have of seeing the original Who live. Or would that be dead?
3) “Burial,” Peter Tosh. Okay, now iTunes is kind of freaking me out a little bit. Does Genius recognize holidays? Is it building me a special Stations of the Cross playlist? Should I expect to hear Rush’s “The Trees” next Arbor Day?
4) “Shaky City,” The Plimsouls. We have returned to your regularly scheduled secular programming. No vid for this one, so we'll go with the hit.
5) “Mykonos,” Fleet Foxes. The Lovely Becky and I officially rejected the new IFC sitcom Portlandia. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a sketch show from Saturday Night Live’s Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, guitarist of the late, great Sleater-Kinney. They do pieces about Portland specifically and about liberal/progressive culture in general. I love the idea of mocking those things, because it’s good to have your sacred cows roasted. One of my favorite SNL sketches of all time is “Dukakis After Dark” which skewered so many late-80s liberal icons. The problem with Portlandia is that, while it’s very creative and the ideas are original, there are no jokes. We watched an episode where Aimee Mann was working as a housekeeper because the music industry is in the toilet, and while clever, it wasn’t funny, which is important if you’re writing “comedy.” Anyway, this song made me think of that because Fleet Foxes are such a tailor-made NPR liberal band who would be kind of a joke if they weren’t so fucking awesome.
6) “Dear Prudence,” The Beatles. I am a big Beatles fan but not a big White Album fan. Obviously classic, original, groundbreaking, Rolling-Stone-spongeworthy, etc. but much like Portlandia, while I appreciate it, I never found it that much fun to listen to over the years. Well, I was playing some Beatles songs for Libby and played this one, which she liked. I hadn’t heard it in a while and was sucked in by the off-kilter beauty of it. I wound up listening to the whole album again and realized I was completely wrong about it. Except for “Revolution 9,” that sucks just as much as I remember.
7) “Too Much Too Young,” The Specials. With TLB and I both turning 40, we’ve talked lately about being older parents. When we both married at the age of 23, while we didn’t expect to rush right out and start begetting, I don’t think either of us expected to be chasing after a toddler when we were 40. Our parents both had us in their early 20s, so by the time they were 40, we were on our way out the door, not trying to learn how to poop on the potty (well, at least TLB wasn’t). I definitely wish I had the energy I had when I was younger, as I sometimes feel like I’m not active enough with Libby even if I try my best to be. Sometimes Daddy just needs to have a drink and let Yo Gabba Gabba do the baby driving. At the same time, I feel like I got so much stuff out of my system before being a parent. I felt ready and dedicated by the time I held my child in my arms the first time, and in my case, I think that was the right path for me. Even if that means I might be having to poop in a diaper by the time she’s potty training her kids.
8) “Saving My Face,” KT Tunstall. I know this song is about as heavy as a grande skim latte with fat-free whip cream, but I really like her voice. It’s not always easy to be charming when singing.
9) “Safe European Home,” The Clash. There’s a great dual-dynamic to the lyrics here. On the one hand, Strummer seems to be poking a pointed stick at the classic white European fear of vacationing among non-whites. At the same time, he seems to be acknowledging that there is some reason for that fear, that if you poke your jolly sunburned face around certain parts of Kingston, you’re going to be wishing you were back in your safe European home. On top of that, it flat-out rocks, too.
10) “Redmen and Their Wives,” Guided by Voices. I think the concept of the farewell tour should be abolished completely. Case in point: Guided by Voices touring just a few years after their Electrifying Conclusion tour, on their unofficially titled We Could Use the Beer Money Tour. And that’s fine: I love that bands get back together and go back out on the road. I don’t even care if they get back together for the money. I like money, so I appreciate the motivation, and as long as it is convincing, I don’t mind someone faking enjoyment for my benefit. Just don’t call it your final tour unless you all plan to kill yourselves after the last encore.
11) “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” Monty Python. Required listening for me on Good Friday. Can you imagine what the ‘baggers would do if someone tried to make a movie like Life of Brian today? Holy Grail is funnier and more entertaining, but Life of Brian has more balls.
Have a good weekend, and happy whatever-holiday-you-may-or-may-not-be-celebrating.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Top Ten Wednesdays: Why have we been neglecting our blogs?
10) Get writer’s block after 140 characters.
9) Have reached peak LOLCAT.
8) Saving ourselves for the next election year.
7) Gave up blogging for Lent.
6) Haven’t figured out how to get iPad to automatically generate interesting things to write about.
5) In the process of faking own death.
5) In the process of faking own death.
4) Channeled the political rage that used to motivate us to write into Angry Birds.
3) Employer found the blog and learned what we have been doing in the employee bathroom.
2) Got our first prescription for Viagra.
2) Got our first prescription for Viagra.
1) Vowed not to start blogging again until we stop relying on cheap dick jokes for content.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Friday Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
Yesterday was a special day for The Lovely Becky. She turned 40, and what’s particularly amazing about it is how aging does not phase her at all. I have never met anyone who welcomes getting older more than my lovely wife. She greets every birthday with open arms, whereas I tend to run from them like a half-naked teenager fleeing Jason in Friday the 13th, only to get impaled just as I reach the boathouse and think I’m safe. In addition to providing the usual heartfelt birthday wishes, I also remarked, “Wow, this means I’ll never again have sex with someone under 40.” Which is also a good way to ensure you will never have sex again.
In her honor, and out of respect for the three people who may be reading this, I also promise today’s list will be Rush free, despite my being still higher than Geddy Lee’s voice from the show the other night.
Tuneage time.
1) “Rock Rock (Till You Drop),” Def Leppard. I think they would win the award for Best Band Font. In fact, there should be a Def Leppard font, because it would make my command to Turn It Up look so much cooler.
2) “Brass Monkey,” Beastie Boys. This is when I miss having a subwoofer on my PC. I feel like I’m cruising around San Diego with my friends looking for someone to buy us beer.
3) “Black,” Pearl Jam. From so Jazzy Jeff to so Debbie Downer. This is my favorite Pearl Jam song, due in no small part that I can do a reasonable job singing it, especially the final verse (I know some day you’ll have a beautiful life etc.). That’s a pretty small group of songs.
4) “Cocaine Blues,” Johnny Cash. One of the first songs Libby loved, courtesy of my mother-in-law who always played her best of Johnny Cash CD. This song would start and she would begin dancing in a circle around the room while Johnny Cash told his tale of chemical abuse, murder, and incarceration. Now there’s a kid’s show I would watch.
5) “Surfing With the Alien,” Joe Satriani. One of my favorite guitar instrumentals. Impressive while also being expressive, with a couple of dazzling solos that dance with the song instead of hitting it over the head, throwing it in the trunk of a car, and speeding off into Wank Canyon.
6) “Lloyd, I’m Ready to Be Heartbroken,” Camera Obscura. Perfect pop music. Catchy, lush, friendly, and just a wee hint o’ Scottish accent in the chorus to add a sprig of exoticness. This should be required playing for all Fridays.
7) “Peek-A-Boo,” Siouxsie & the Banshees. Oh, how TLB used to dance to this. In fact, TLB was quite the dancer. We used to go dancing at this rancid hole-in-the-wall of a club, the kind of place where you could walk into the bathroom and offer someone $10,000 to do ten pushups and they would turn it down. It was redeemed by its high-alcohol/low-dollar drink quotient and the fact that it played great music, including my first encounter with New-Wave themed nights. Anyway, TLB would just throw herself into whatever was playing, and her head would be this twirling mass of copper hair (her bottle preference at the time). I always marveled at how she could do that. For me, dancing, like many other aspects of my life, is marred by my self-consciousness. Apparently I will do almost anything for a laugh except dance like a white guy who can’t dance.
8) “E-Pro,” Beck. I expected this Friday to be D-Day +2, two days after I triumphantly finished my work project and basked in the glow of a successful new Web site, a day where I would be doing the Random 11 while drunk and possibly pantsless (sorry, but sometimes a fella just needs to feel free). Unfortunately, after several hours of trying the other night, we had to call it quits. There’s nothing quite like working until 1:30 in the morning only to realize it was all for naught and you get to do it again. Yay! It’s also awesome when a technical person is explaining the reason for said problem and you can’t understand a thing they said. I may as well have had a Finnish person telling me I had cheese popcorn dust all over my face. Come to think of it, that would have been better, because at least it meant I had been eating cheese popcorn.
9) “Wrong,” Archers of Loaf. Nineties revival has arrived. I’ve purchased a couple of recent albums where the barely-able-to-shave musicians sound like they are trying to sound like this song. Which is good, because this song is fucking awesome. However, it’s also alarming, because it means that the Retro boat is sailing past the 80s, and the next port of call is Oldies. I’m not ready to be old enough to have the music of my youth be considered something with “old” in the classification.
10) “Charm Attack,” Leona Naess. Sounds a bit like what I imagine Sinead O’Connor would have sounded like if she had grown up in L.A. instead of Ireland. There’s a very factory-produced flavor to this, without much originality, but it’s put together well and gets me tapping my foot and turning it up whenever it plays. That also could serve as a metaphor for why I like eating at The Cheesecake Factory as much as I do.
11) “Bulletproof,” LaRoux. Not only did I never like Yaz, I used to do a an imitation of Alison Moyet to express my displeasure with Yaz. Yet I not only crank this Yaz-clone every time I hear it, I often play it two or three times in a row. I think the singer’s hair cast some sort of spell on me. It’s especially awesome to turn it to the point where it’s a shade under too loud and sit at the sweet spot between the speakers, letting the synths jump around from left to right. A very nice way to cap the list.
Yesterday was a special day for The Lovely Becky. She turned 40, and what’s particularly amazing about it is how aging does not phase her at all. I have never met anyone who welcomes getting older more than my lovely wife. She greets every birthday with open arms, whereas I tend to run from them like a half-naked teenager fleeing Jason in Friday the 13th, only to get impaled just as I reach the boathouse and think I’m safe. In addition to providing the usual heartfelt birthday wishes, I also remarked, “Wow, this means I’ll never again have sex with someone under 40.” Which is also a good way to ensure you will never have sex again.
In her honor, and out of respect for the three people who may be reading this, I also promise today’s list will be Rush free, despite my being still higher than Geddy Lee’s voice from the show the other night.
Tuneage time.
1) “Rock Rock (Till You Drop),” Def Leppard. I think they would win the award for Best Band Font. In fact, there should be a Def Leppard font, because it would make my command to Turn It Up look so much cooler.
2) “Brass Monkey,” Beastie Boys. This is when I miss having a subwoofer on my PC. I feel like I’m cruising around San Diego with my friends looking for someone to buy us beer.
3) “Black,” Pearl Jam. From so Jazzy Jeff to so Debbie Downer. This is my favorite Pearl Jam song, due in no small part that I can do a reasonable job singing it, especially the final verse (I know some day you’ll have a beautiful life etc.). That’s a pretty small group of songs.
4) “Cocaine Blues,” Johnny Cash. One of the first songs Libby loved, courtesy of my mother-in-law who always played her best of Johnny Cash CD. This song would start and she would begin dancing in a circle around the room while Johnny Cash told his tale of chemical abuse, murder, and incarceration. Now there’s a kid’s show I would watch.
5) “Surfing With the Alien,” Joe Satriani. One of my favorite guitar instrumentals. Impressive while also being expressive, with a couple of dazzling solos that dance with the song instead of hitting it over the head, throwing it in the trunk of a car, and speeding off into Wank Canyon.
6) “Lloyd, I’m Ready to Be Heartbroken,” Camera Obscura. Perfect pop music. Catchy, lush, friendly, and just a wee hint o’ Scottish accent in the chorus to add a sprig of exoticness. This should be required playing for all Fridays.
7) “Peek-A-Boo,” Siouxsie & the Banshees. Oh, how TLB used to dance to this. In fact, TLB was quite the dancer. We used to go dancing at this rancid hole-in-the-wall of a club, the kind of place where you could walk into the bathroom and offer someone $10,000 to do ten pushups and they would turn it down. It was redeemed by its high-alcohol/low-dollar drink quotient and the fact that it played great music, including my first encounter with New-Wave themed nights. Anyway, TLB would just throw herself into whatever was playing, and her head would be this twirling mass of copper hair (her bottle preference at the time). I always marveled at how she could do that. For me, dancing, like many other aspects of my life, is marred by my self-consciousness. Apparently I will do almost anything for a laugh except dance like a white guy who can’t dance.
8) “E-Pro,” Beck. I expected this Friday to be D-Day +2, two days after I triumphantly finished my work project and basked in the glow of a successful new Web site, a day where I would be doing the Random 11 while drunk and possibly pantsless (sorry, but sometimes a fella just needs to feel free). Unfortunately, after several hours of trying the other night, we had to call it quits. There’s nothing quite like working until 1:30 in the morning only to realize it was all for naught and you get to do it again. Yay! It’s also awesome when a technical person is explaining the reason for said problem and you can’t understand a thing they said. I may as well have had a Finnish person telling me I had cheese popcorn dust all over my face. Come to think of it, that would have been better, because at least it meant I had been eating cheese popcorn.
9) “Wrong,” Archers of Loaf. Nineties revival has arrived. I’ve purchased a couple of recent albums where the barely-able-to-shave musicians sound like they are trying to sound like this song. Which is good, because this song is fucking awesome. However, it’s also alarming, because it means that the Retro boat is sailing past the 80s, and the next port of call is Oldies. I’m not ready to be old enough to have the music of my youth be considered something with “old” in the classification.
10) “Charm Attack,” Leona Naess. Sounds a bit like what I imagine Sinead O’Connor would have sounded like if she had grown up in L.A. instead of Ireland. There’s a very factory-produced flavor to this, without much originality, but it’s put together well and gets me tapping my foot and turning it up whenever it plays. That also could serve as a metaphor for why I like eating at The Cheesecake Factory as much as I do.
11) “Bulletproof,” LaRoux. Not only did I never like Yaz, I used to do a an imitation of Alison Moyet to express my displeasure with Yaz. Yet I not only crank this Yaz-clone every time I hear it, I often play it two or three times in a row. I think the singer’s hair cast some sort of spell on me. It’s especially awesome to turn it to the point where it’s a shade under too loud and sit at the sweet spot between the speakers, letting the synths jump around from left to right. A very nice way to cap the list.
Have a great weekend.
Friday, April 08, 2011
The light at the end of the chunnel
Project completion/salvation, thy name is next Wednesday. A day when I can stop thinking about headlines and HTML and get back to blogging about boobies and boners. Incidentally, Arthur C. Clarke is a moron. He thought computers would be able to hijack manned expeditions to Jupiter when they can't even explain to me why my Website keeps crashing. SPEAK ENGLISH OR DIE, HAL, YOU 'RUNTIME ERROR UP YOUR DINGLEBERRY NODE' MOTHERFUCKER!
1Brando, "The light at the end of the chunnel", Journal for same-sex country-and-western-dancing, 2011.
2You've been rushrolled.
3Mine and Tickle's and whomever else wishes to join in the corruption of two pretty straightforward young men with impressive abs.
I do actually hate to be a big baby about all this. In all honesty, this site launch is going much better than the last one I had to do a few years ago. It's been a lot of work but the payoff will be that my job will actually get easier once I get done. The problem is that I am what the French call layzee d'inherent, so I tend to bitch a lot when I work a lot.
However, in addition to soon having more time to spend with family, friends, and captioned pictures of kittens, I have two other fun things awaiting me this month. Next week, I will be seeing a certain Canadian power trio who have been called, "the greatest rock and roll band in the known multiverse."1 I can think of few ways to celebrate the end than "In The End":
Note: This is unfiltered Geddy, so do not play near glass objects or in the presence of dogs (especially of the snow2 variety).
Then, at the end of the month, I have another Vegas trip, the first since fatherhood. We are celebrating the pending nuptials of my cousin Youngblood, and plan on throwing him into a waterproof marriage sack full of vodka and making him drink his way out. For extra bonus corruption at no charge, his brother Zoolander will be attending as well, mere days after he turns 21. Our3 goal is to make sure that while Youngblood and Zoolander look exactly the same on the outside, their souls will be unrecognizable to their respective love interests. Depending on how much we drink/how much we lose at the tables, we may also entertain ourselves by channeling Danny Gans via Ouija. Although being possessed by him would probably cause my head to spin around while I did a bad impersonation of a possessed Austin Powers speaking backwards Latin.
Seeing as I am a just and loving blogger, I will provide an alternative soundtrack for those who aren't through being cool about Rush.
1Brando, "The light at the end of the chunnel", Journal for same-sex country-and-western-dancing, 2011.
2You've been rushrolled.
3Mine and Tickle's and whomever else wishes to join in the corruption of two pretty straightforward young men with impressive abs.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
Is it possible to have Stockholm Syndrome with a piece of furniture?
I have been spending the majority of my time for the past two months sitting in my office chair, working on getting a new Web site done for my company. I have been very fortunate in that my job doesn’t usually require a lot of long hours, making it very easy for me to balance work and personal life. But this is a big project and I’m coordinating it, hence my ass has been glued to said chair.
After a couple of weeks of a lot of late nights and weekend work, I felt like I was held hostage by my chair. I resented it, hated it, even feared it, because when you work at home and have a lot of work to do, it’s impossible to escape the feeling that you should be working. I made plans for escape, all of which were basically unrealistic and would likely have me gunned down in a hail of job firing.
The last couple of weeks, though, the chair and I have begun to develop a relationship. It needs me to sit in it 10-11 hours a day. Meanwhile, I have to acknowledge that, while I wish I wasn’t sitting in it that much, it is really a comfortable chair and its demands to be sat in are reasonable.
Anyway, I am sorry for not visiting everyone’s blogs more in recent weeks. After spending that much time in the chair, in front of the computer, I’ve been taking any opening I can to sprint to my rescuer, the couch. Project is almost done, though, and I hope to return to my regularly-scheduled loafing during work hours.
1) “Rasputin,” Turisas. Turisas is a “battle metal” band from Finland. No, really, there’s a subgenre of metal called battle metal. That subgenre is actually a subgenre of another subgenre called “Viking metal.” What is Viking metal? It is metal about all things Viking—conquering, plundering, fighting, sailing, and then doing all of those things again in Valhalla. Battle metal simply filters out the quieter parts of Viking metal—say, when our hero is reflecting on the friends he lost conquering, plundering, fighting, and sailing—and focuses instead on just on fighting or preparing to fight. It’s kind of like how traditional porn takes the time to examine the conflict of how those penniless sorority girls are going to pay for the pizza they just ordered, whereas battle porn just skips to the inevitable solution.
Anyway, this video takes battle metal and merges it with an old Eurodisco tune from the 70s. Somehow, it’s magnificent, and the video just kicks it up a notch by looking like an amazing beer commercial. I’m seriously tempted to go to Vegas next month in animal furs and battle paint.
2) “Ways to Make It Through the Wall,” Los Campesinos! I honestly have no idea how people work 60-plus hours all the time. I know people who do it, in part because work has become fused with their personal life like the arms on Dr. Octopus. In a lot of ways, work has become the new religion for many folks, especially white collar workers. In some cases, it’s because they like what they do—and if so, more power to them. But I think for a lot of people it’s an escape from personal obligations, or feeds a need to be an authority figure. I definitely don’t want to spend more time away from my family so I can spend more time reviewing the WENUS.
3) “The Celibate Life,” The Shins. I may have told this story before, so excuse me if I repeat myself, but with it being Lent and this song discuss the celibate life, I can’t help but be reminded of the time when I started rethinking Catholicism.
It was my senior year of high school at an all-boys Catholic school. I had a faith and morality class taught by a young priest (insert your “no touching in the Water and Wine Room” joke here). He had done missionary work in Central America, which cause him to do things like pronounce “Nicaragua” like someone overacting on a Univision soap opera. But generally speaking, he was a good guy.
However, one day we got to the lesson about sex, specifically birth control. Father Pronunciacíon wrote three categories on the board: Natural, Artificial, and Unnatural. Under the first category, he listed the rhythm method and abstinence. Under the second the usual suspects: condoms, the pill, IUDs (it was the 80s). What was labeled unnatural? Anal, oral, and masturbation.
For the first time, I remember being actually offended by a priest, because being 17, I happened to enjoy one of those unnatural acts on a near-daily basis (insert your “Was it anal from the priest?” joke here). I believe the two words that came to mind were, “fuck this.” I raised my hand and asked the priest a question: If it was a natural impulse to procreate, wouldn’t we have to consider celibacy unnatural as well?
Father Pronunciacíon got redder than a Sandinista at a May Day rally. He sputtered out an angry response that showed the hard (so hard) road that the celibate travel on. I thought, this is ridiculous that we are even having this conversation, and stupid that something that doesn’t hurt anyone is considered some kind of affront to God.
An epilogue: During the same class, we actually educated father on what “gerbil sharing” was.
4) “Rest Your Head,” The Wrens. I really wish they made records faster than once a decade. However, they work day jobs, too, so I understand if they have been held hostage by their chairs. Sadly, no clip, but great song.
5) “Hands Off, She’s Mine,” The English Beat. I Just Can’t Stop It is one of the most underrated albums of the 80s. I’m not even a big ska guy and I love it.
6) “Best for You,” Bad Religion. Dedicated to fish and Pinko.
7) “Basement Parties,” Matt Pond PA. After years of fighting it, I have started to actually mature and enjoy getting older. But one thing I will always miss are young people parties. I love getting together with adults, talk about interesting topics, and also not have to worry (usually) about people fighting, puking, manufacturing relationship drama, having sex in my bed, etc. However, I have a twinge of nostalgia for those low-key parties of high school, college, and early adulthood, just sitting around and drinking with friends, talking about stupid stuff and just feeling young and not having a care in the world. Although I also hope to get to that old and carefree stage, where I’ve lived long enough and paid enough dues that I don’t give a shit about a lot of the dumb things that often require our attention.
8) “Little Too Late,” Pat Benatar. I wish I was making this up, but sadly I am not: I have had some conflict about whether I should buy the Pat Benatar pack for Rock Band. I already have a couple Benatar tracks from previous games, but this one has “Shadows of the Night” (which I hate to admit loving) and “Love Is a Battlefield.” On the one hand, I know I should just get them. But there’s a real fear of should-shaking, choreographed dance-fighting mockery from my lovely wife while I struggle to figure out the drum pattern to “Battlefield.”
9) “Cherry,” Amy Winehouse. It’s a shame such a great voice is attached to such a train wreck.
10) “Young Hearts,” Free Energy. Some day the weather is going to warm up, and when it does, I’m going to be blasting Free Energy like I did last summer. A great warm-weather band. There’s a very classic 70s feel to this song, kind of like how Spoon’s “The Underdog” echoes Billy Joel, but without bearing the burden of being Billy Joel.
11) “Mystery Achievement,” Pretenders. Great bass line, great vocal by Chrissie Hind, great way to enter the weekend.
Have a good one.
Is it possible to have Stockholm Syndrome with a piece of furniture?
I have been spending the majority of my time for the past two months sitting in my office chair, working on getting a new Web site done for my company. I have been very fortunate in that my job doesn’t usually require a lot of long hours, making it very easy for me to balance work and personal life. But this is a big project and I’m coordinating it, hence my ass has been glued to said chair.
After a couple of weeks of a lot of late nights and weekend work, I felt like I was held hostage by my chair. I resented it, hated it, even feared it, because when you work at home and have a lot of work to do, it’s impossible to escape the feeling that you should be working. I made plans for escape, all of which were basically unrealistic and would likely have me gunned down in a hail of job firing.
The last couple of weeks, though, the chair and I have begun to develop a relationship. It needs me to sit in it 10-11 hours a day. Meanwhile, I have to acknowledge that, while I wish I wasn’t sitting in it that much, it is really a comfortable chair and its demands to be sat in are reasonable.
Anyway, I am sorry for not visiting everyone’s blogs more in recent weeks. After spending that much time in the chair, in front of the computer, I’ve been taking any opening I can to sprint to my rescuer, the couch. Project is almost done, though, and I hope to return to my regularly-scheduled loafing during work hours.
1) “Rasputin,” Turisas. Turisas is a “battle metal” band from Finland. No, really, there’s a subgenre of metal called battle metal. That subgenre is actually a subgenre of another subgenre called “Viking metal.” What is Viking metal? It is metal about all things Viking—conquering, plundering, fighting, sailing, and then doing all of those things again in Valhalla. Battle metal simply filters out the quieter parts of Viking metal—say, when our hero is reflecting on the friends he lost conquering, plundering, fighting, and sailing—and focuses instead on just on fighting or preparing to fight. It’s kind of like how traditional porn takes the time to examine the conflict of how those penniless sorority girls are going to pay for the pizza they just ordered, whereas battle porn just skips to the inevitable solution.
Anyway, this video takes battle metal and merges it with an old Eurodisco tune from the 70s. Somehow, it’s magnificent, and the video just kicks it up a notch by looking like an amazing beer commercial. I’m seriously tempted to go to Vegas next month in animal furs and battle paint.
2) “Ways to Make It Through the Wall,” Los Campesinos! I honestly have no idea how people work 60-plus hours all the time. I know people who do it, in part because work has become fused with their personal life like the arms on Dr. Octopus. In a lot of ways, work has become the new religion for many folks, especially white collar workers. In some cases, it’s because they like what they do—and if so, more power to them. But I think for a lot of people it’s an escape from personal obligations, or feeds a need to be an authority figure. I definitely don’t want to spend more time away from my family so I can spend more time reviewing the WENUS.
3) “The Celibate Life,” The Shins. I may have told this story before, so excuse me if I repeat myself, but with it being Lent and this song discuss the celibate life, I can’t help but be reminded of the time when I started rethinking Catholicism.
It was my senior year of high school at an all-boys Catholic school. I had a faith and morality class taught by a young priest (insert your “no touching in the Water and Wine Room” joke here). He had done missionary work in Central America, which cause him to do things like pronounce “Nicaragua” like someone overacting on a Univision soap opera. But generally speaking, he was a good guy.
However, one day we got to the lesson about sex, specifically birth control. Father Pronunciacíon wrote three categories on the board: Natural, Artificial, and Unnatural. Under the first category, he listed the rhythm method and abstinence. Under the second the usual suspects: condoms, the pill, IUDs (it was the 80s). What was labeled unnatural? Anal, oral, and masturbation.
For the first time, I remember being actually offended by a priest, because being 17, I happened to enjoy one of those unnatural acts on a near-daily basis (insert your “Was it anal from the priest?” joke here). I believe the two words that came to mind were, “fuck this.” I raised my hand and asked the priest a question: If it was a natural impulse to procreate, wouldn’t we have to consider celibacy unnatural as well?
Father Pronunciacíon got redder than a Sandinista at a May Day rally. He sputtered out an angry response that showed the hard (so hard) road that the celibate travel on. I thought, this is ridiculous that we are even having this conversation, and stupid that something that doesn’t hurt anyone is considered some kind of affront to God.
An epilogue: During the same class, we actually educated father on what “gerbil sharing” was.
4) “Rest Your Head,” The Wrens. I really wish they made records faster than once a decade. However, they work day jobs, too, so I understand if they have been held hostage by their chairs. Sadly, no clip, but great song.
5) “Hands Off, She’s Mine,” The English Beat. I Just Can’t Stop It is one of the most underrated albums of the 80s. I’m not even a big ska guy and I love it.
6) “Best for You,” Bad Religion. Dedicated to fish and Pinko.
7) “Basement Parties,” Matt Pond PA. After years of fighting it, I have started to actually mature and enjoy getting older. But one thing I will always miss are young people parties. I love getting together with adults, talk about interesting topics, and also not have to worry (usually) about people fighting, puking, manufacturing relationship drama, having sex in my bed, etc. However, I have a twinge of nostalgia for those low-key parties of high school, college, and early adulthood, just sitting around and drinking with friends, talking about stupid stuff and just feeling young and not having a care in the world. Although I also hope to get to that old and carefree stage, where I’ve lived long enough and paid enough dues that I don’t give a shit about a lot of the dumb things that often require our attention.
8) “Little Too Late,” Pat Benatar. I wish I was making this up, but sadly I am not: I have had some conflict about whether I should buy the Pat Benatar pack for Rock Band. I already have a couple Benatar tracks from previous games, but this one has “Shadows of the Night” (which I hate to admit loving) and “Love Is a Battlefield.” On the one hand, I know I should just get them. But there’s a real fear of should-shaking, choreographed dance-fighting mockery from my lovely wife while I struggle to figure out the drum pattern to “Battlefield.”
9) “Cherry,” Amy Winehouse. It’s a shame such a great voice is attached to such a train wreck.
10) “Young Hearts,” Free Energy. Some day the weather is going to warm up, and when it does, I’m going to be blasting Free Energy like I did last summer. A great warm-weather band. There’s a very classic 70s feel to this song, kind of like how Spoon’s “The Underdog” echoes Billy Joel, but without bearing the burden of being Billy Joel.
11) “Mystery Achievement,” Pretenders. Great bass line, great vocal by Chrissie Hind, great way to enter the weekend.
Have a good one.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Top Ten Wednesdays: How are we making ourselves more attractive to the Tea Party?
10) Showing a lot of ankle.
9) Suggesting that all Muslims be considered terrorists until they exclusively target British citizens and Irish Protestants.
9) Suggesting that all Muslims be considered terrorists until they exclusively target British citizens and Irish Protestants.
7) Declaring that the creeping socialism of America will prevent it from catching up to the unapologetically socialist countries ahead of us.
5) Showing our pro-gun, pro-religion stance by vowing to shoot the wall between church and state with our legally concealled bazooka.
4) Accepting an honorary home-school degree, lovingly made with crayon.
3) Simultaneously tackling anti-white and anti-rich bias by noting that if it wasn’t for rich white men, black people never would have made it to America.
2) Campaigning in a red, white, and blue monster truck that runs on baby seal oil.
1) Promising to release our liberty from the tyrannical clutches of a secular nanny state and put it back in the righteous hands of a vengeful god.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Friday Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
Something happened today that hasn’t happened to me before, a convergence of things that made me quite happy.
--The Lovely Becky didn’t have to go to campus today, so we decided to have a lunch date. We picked sushi because it was one of the things we missed terribly in the UP and we haven’t had any in a long time.
--There are a number sushi places nearby, so I decided to go to Yelp for help. I have never used Yelp before, because the only thing that yelps in the UP is an animal after you’ve shot it.
--Yelp pointed us to a place we would have overlooked, a small, non-descript sushi joint at the end of our block. There was the usual Yelp nonsense, the one sniffy guy who was all, “the rolls are okay but I don’t think the nigiri is that great because I’m an insufferable munchwagon” (I’m paraphrasing). But everybody else had pretty strong praise.
--We walked up the street, ordered, took a bite, and were immediately in OMG SO GOOD 5-STARS heaven.
Walking back to the house, I literally felt filled with the spirit of Kathleen and Pinko. Using the Internet to find good sushi and then getting there in a pedestrian fashion. The only thing missing was a red track suit and a list of three novels I read on the walk to the restaurant.
Tune time!
1) “I’m Looking Through You,” The Beatles. I don’t know if this was ever used for a Wonder Years montage, but it feels like it should have.
2) “Station,” The Meat Puppets. I suspect ZRM will have a good Meat Puppets story in the comments. I never really listened to them much beyond their semi-hit “Backwater,” but the sound of this just takes me back to college, drinking on a Friday afternoon to prepare for more drinking on a Friday night. In fact, my alma mater has a campus-run pub on its grounds. That seems like a terrible idea to me now, even though it was awesome then. I worked at the campus bookstore, and on Fridays I would head over to the pub with my buddy Moe and start our consumption ritual—a couple of pitchers each to “warm up” for the evening. We didn’t even bother with glasses, Moe and I would just order two pitchers and drink straight from those. Then we’d go to another place that had a drink special, five drinks for the price of one. The catch was you could only order two drinks per person and the special lasted one hour. We would guzzle through those so we could get that fifth drink before the hour was up. I thought it was the greatest way to stretch my meager bookstore wages/Stafford student loan dollars. Stupid sexy drinking, why do you have to be so attractive?
3) “Jackson (Live),” Johnny Cash and June Carter. It takes a lot of balls for a woman like June Carter to sing in front of a bunch of prison inmates.
4) “Song 2,” Blur. I’ve heard it a million times and each time it makes me want to charge onto a football field and tackle someone. Like get a full head of steam and launch headfirst into them, James-Harrison style. Or, in my more continental moments, run onto the pitch and tackle someone soccer-style, perhaps giving one of those Italians or Spaniards who always do the phantom flops something to really writhe in agony about. This also gives me an idea how to fix the flopping in soccer: if a player flops, the player he flopped against gets a free kick at him. You're welcome, FIFA.
5) “About a Girl,” Nirvana. Speaking of suicides, the new New Yorker has a David Foster Wallace story in it, and the bio mentioned that DFW has a new novel coming out. He committed suicide in 2008, around the time I started working on my novel. My novel is not only coming out and in fact I realized recently that it needs some very substantial rewriting and that I need to rethink a lot of it. There’s nothing wrong with that, because writing takes time. However, I can’t help but feel rather sheepish about being outpaced by a a dead guy (albeit a very talented one).
6) “Wicked Gil,” Band of Horses. Gil just isn’t a wicked guy’s name. Darth Gil, Gildemort, Gil Lecter, The Great and Powerful Gil. Even Tim is more menacing.
7) “Straight to Hell,” The Clash. Probably the saddest Clash song and also one of their best.
8) “The Humpty Dance,” Digital Underground. Awww, hells yeah! I’m heading to Vegas at the end of April for my cousin Youngblood’s bachelor party. Dr. Hawkeye is attending, and nothing will transform him to 100% Hawkeye status like this song. Sadly, Dr. Trapper has to go to a competing bachelor party that weekend. So many IVs, so little time.
9) “Born to Run,” Bruce Springsteen. I’m not a big Boss fan. I recognize his brilliance and all that, but I hit my musical stride right around the time Born in the USA become Overplayed in the USA and I never quite recovered from the media tongue-bathing he received during that time. “Born to Run,” however, is one of the all-time great rock songs. It’s personal, it’s epic, it’s hard, it’s gentle…you can listen to it 100 times and pull out a different nuance. I’m always happy to hear it.
10) “Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere,” The Who. I bought Rock Band 3 recently, which, combined with having my own house again, reignited my love of toy drumming. I moved Branimal up to the expert drum level, surprisingly holding my own on a fair number of tracks. Fills still give me trouble, but if I Meg White it I tend to do okay. However, The Who Pack I purchased has always been my Moby Dick (not to be confused with Zeppelin’s “Moby Dick”). I mean, look at this fucking thing. I can last about 10 seconds on that (TLB, please feel free to insert joke here). The other day I was playing a random set list and it threw me a Who track, “Sea and Sand” from Quadrophenia. I got about 60% of the way through before I failed. I swore to myself that I could beat it and started over. That attempt fell over and sank into the swamp. I started again. That attempt burned down, fell over and sank into the swamp. But on my fourth try, I felt possessed with speed-addled, Mod-drumming, Moon-the-Loon goodness. My right foot pumped the bass peddle, my hands surprisingly made sense out of the insanity of the chart, and while I reached the end a little bruised and bloodied, I finished the song…just as TLB came down the stairs. With complete seriousness, I threw my drumstick-gripping hands into the air and yelled, “KEITH MOON, BABY!” I’m sure there are few times in my life that my wife wanted me less.
11) “Ruby Soho,” Rancid. One of the best bands to end a Random 11 with.
Have a fantastic, five-star review weekend.
Something happened today that hasn’t happened to me before, a convergence of things that made me quite happy.
--The Lovely Becky didn’t have to go to campus today, so we decided to have a lunch date. We picked sushi because it was one of the things we missed terribly in the UP and we haven’t had any in a long time.
--There are a number sushi places nearby, so I decided to go to Yelp for help. I have never used Yelp before, because the only thing that yelps in the UP is an animal after you’ve shot it.
--Yelp pointed us to a place we would have overlooked, a small, non-descript sushi joint at the end of our block. There was the usual Yelp nonsense, the one sniffy guy who was all, “the rolls are okay but I don’t think the nigiri is that great because I’m an insufferable munchwagon” (I’m paraphrasing). But everybody else had pretty strong praise.
--We walked up the street, ordered, took a bite, and were immediately in OMG SO GOOD 5-STARS heaven.
Walking back to the house, I literally felt filled with the spirit of Kathleen and Pinko. Using the Internet to find good sushi and then getting there in a pedestrian fashion. The only thing missing was a red track suit and a list of three novels I read on the walk to the restaurant.
Tune time!
1) “I’m Looking Through You,” The Beatles. I don’t know if this was ever used for a Wonder Years montage, but it feels like it should have.
2) “Station,” The Meat Puppets. I suspect ZRM will have a good Meat Puppets story in the comments. I never really listened to them much beyond their semi-hit “Backwater,” but the sound of this just takes me back to college, drinking on a Friday afternoon to prepare for more drinking on a Friday night. In fact, my alma mater has a campus-run pub on its grounds. That seems like a terrible idea to me now, even though it was awesome then. I worked at the campus bookstore, and on Fridays I would head over to the pub with my buddy Moe and start our consumption ritual—a couple of pitchers each to “warm up” for the evening. We didn’t even bother with glasses, Moe and I would just order two pitchers and drink straight from those. Then we’d go to another place that had a drink special, five drinks for the price of one. The catch was you could only order two drinks per person and the special lasted one hour. We would guzzle through those so we could get that fifth drink before the hour was up. I thought it was the greatest way to stretch my meager bookstore wages/Stafford student loan dollars. Stupid sexy drinking, why do you have to be so attractive?
3) “Jackson (Live),” Johnny Cash and June Carter. It takes a lot of balls for a woman like June Carter to sing in front of a bunch of prison inmates.
4) “Song 2,” Blur. I’ve heard it a million times and each time it makes me want to charge onto a football field and tackle someone. Like get a full head of steam and launch headfirst into them, James-Harrison style. Or, in my more continental moments, run onto the pitch and tackle someone soccer-style, perhaps giving one of those Italians or Spaniards who always do the phantom flops something to really writhe in agony about. This also gives me an idea how to fix the flopping in soccer: if a player flops, the player he flopped against gets a free kick at him. You're welcome, FIFA.
5) “About a Girl,” Nirvana. Speaking of suicides, the new New Yorker has a David Foster Wallace story in it, and the bio mentioned that DFW has a new novel coming out. He committed suicide in 2008, around the time I started working on my novel. My novel is not only coming out and in fact I realized recently that it needs some very substantial rewriting and that I need to rethink a lot of it. There’s nothing wrong with that, because writing takes time. However, I can’t help but feel rather sheepish about being outpaced by a a dead guy (albeit a very talented one).
6) “Wicked Gil,” Band of Horses. Gil just isn’t a wicked guy’s name. Darth Gil, Gildemort, Gil Lecter, The Great and Powerful Gil. Even Tim is more menacing.
7) “Straight to Hell,” The Clash. Probably the saddest Clash song and also one of their best.
8) “The Humpty Dance,” Digital Underground. Awww, hells yeah! I’m heading to Vegas at the end of April for my cousin Youngblood’s bachelor party. Dr. Hawkeye is attending, and nothing will transform him to 100% Hawkeye status like this song. Sadly, Dr. Trapper has to go to a competing bachelor party that weekend. So many IVs, so little time.
9) “Born to Run,” Bruce Springsteen. I’m not a big Boss fan. I recognize his brilliance and all that, but I hit my musical stride right around the time Born in the USA become Overplayed in the USA and I never quite recovered from the media tongue-bathing he received during that time. “Born to Run,” however, is one of the all-time great rock songs. It’s personal, it’s epic, it’s hard, it’s gentle…you can listen to it 100 times and pull out a different nuance. I’m always happy to hear it.
10) “Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere,” The Who. I bought Rock Band 3 recently, which, combined with having my own house again, reignited my love of toy drumming. I moved Branimal up to the expert drum level, surprisingly holding my own on a fair number of tracks. Fills still give me trouble, but if I Meg White it I tend to do okay. However, The Who Pack I purchased has always been my Moby Dick (not to be confused with Zeppelin’s “Moby Dick”). I mean, look at this fucking thing. I can last about 10 seconds on that (TLB, please feel free to insert joke here). The other day I was playing a random set list and it threw me a Who track, “Sea and Sand” from Quadrophenia. I got about 60% of the way through before I failed. I swore to myself that I could beat it and started over. That attempt fell over and sank into the swamp. I started again. That attempt burned down, fell over and sank into the swamp. But on my fourth try, I felt possessed with speed-addled, Mod-drumming, Moon-the-Loon goodness. My right foot pumped the bass peddle, my hands surprisingly made sense out of the insanity of the chart, and while I reached the end a little bruised and bloodied, I finished the song…just as TLB came down the stairs. With complete seriousness, I threw my drumstick-gripping hands into the air and yelled, “KEITH MOON, BABY!” I’m sure there are few times in my life that my wife wanted me less.
11) “Ruby Soho,” Rancid. One of the best bands to end a Random 11 with.
Have a fantastic, five-star review weekend.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Helping The Lovely Becky
I was in bed last night with The Lovely Becky (who is tearing it up in Italy with La Contessa Nera) discussing her idea for a story. She talked about writing a fictional short story or maybe even a novel based on the poor working experience that drove her from white-collar life and into grad school and subsequently authorship and professorhood.
TLB: I want to have her work at some kind of scientific or academic environment, like a journal. But it would have to be an office where most of the employees were women.
Me: How about a gynecology journal? She could work for a publication called Vagina Today.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Top Ten Wednesdays: Why did we get fired from our hit TV show?
Special 12-step edition!
12) Scene blocking ruined by our constant, visible erections.
10) Spent the entire third act of our last show doing an a-capella rendition of The Doors’ “The End.”
9) Complained that the show’s creator wasn’t an anti-anti-Semite.
8) Our comedic eye-rolling turned into non-comedic eyes-rolling-back.
7) Paid all the female assistants by shoving twenties in their pants.
6) Other recovering addicts on the show kept trying to get high by cutting us and drinking our blood.
5) At the staff birthday party for the kid who plays the half-man, showed up at Chuck E Cheese with five strippers and a case of Courvoisier.
4) Got to the point where no one knew or cared who our father was.
3) After every punchline, kept shouting “that’s what she said!” and high-fiving the key grip.
2) In a rare moment of sobriety, notified the producers that our hit sitcom was completely devoid of humor.
1) Offended everyone in Hollywood when we said, "We're bigger than Xenu!"
12) Scene blocking ruined by our constant, visible erections.
11) A winter scene turned nearly fatal when the show inadvertently discovered what we had stashed in the fake snow.
10) Spent the entire third act of our last show doing an a-capella rendition of The Doors’ “The End.”
9) Complained that the show’s creator wasn’t an anti-anti-Semite.
8) Our comedic eye-rolling turned into non-comedic eyes-rolling-back.
7) Paid all the female assistants by shoving twenties in their pants.
6) Other recovering addicts on the show kept trying to get high by cutting us and drinking our blood.
5) At the staff birthday party for the kid who plays the half-man, showed up at Chuck E Cheese with five strippers and a case of Courvoisier.
4) Got to the point where no one knew or cared who our father was.
3) After every punchline, kept shouting “that’s what she said!” and high-fiving the key grip.
2) In a rare moment of sobriety, notified the producers that our hit sitcom was completely devoid of humor.
1) Offended everyone in Hollywood when we said, "We're bigger than Xenu!"
Friday, March 04, 2011
I don't want to work, I want to bang on the plastic drums all day
I am still in Big Important Project hell, trying to defeat the hydra blocking my way to Completion Nirvana, and I am armed with only a butter knife and a pack of damp matches. So, sadly, very little time and brain space for creative writing.
However, there has been much music, because it's nice to have a good 4/4 beat when you have to row the oars on Pharaoh's galley. The other day I did the monthly eMusic dance, trying to maximize the credits I have each month to keep up with what the kids are listening too. At the end of that dance, I always have a little left over for just a song or two, and I take those few remaining shekels and troll for old 80s songs I would love to own again.
However, there has been much music, because it's nice to have a good 4/4 beat when you have to row the oars on Pharaoh's galley. The other day I did the monthly eMusic dance, trying to maximize the credits I have each month to keep up with what the kids are listening too. At the end of that dance, I always have a little left over for just a song or two, and I take those few remaining shekels and troll for old 80s songs I would love to own again.
I browsed around for a while before a random neuron said, "Let's see if they have this...."
Which they did.
One of the most underrated songs from one of the most underrated bands of the 80s. I played this cassette to death, especially in the car where I could crank it and yell out "BIRTH, SCHOOL, WORK, DEATH!" The guitars are just ferocious, and the whole album is a great bit of catchy six-string contempt, nihilism, and bile.
It occurred to me as I listened to this, for the first time in ages, that when I first heard this, I was still well in part two of this four-part saga, and I'm now about 40% of the way through part three. That's the bad part. The good part is I still want to shout those four words as much as I did when I was 17, and would also love to have this song available in plastic-drum mashing form.
Jerking will recommence next week. Have a good weekend.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Is Daddy funny?
A typical night at the home office of CJSD International, Ltd. My daughter is in the bathtub and we are discussing the subject of whether her mother and new Italian literary sensation The Lovely Becky is funny.
ME: Libby, is Mommy funny?
LIBBY: Yeah.
ME: Is Daddy funny?
LIBBY (pauses): No.
ME: What? Daddy's not funny?
From the other room comes a triumphant cackling as if one of the Graeae had just snatched Perseus' nutsack from him.
TLB: That's my girl!
ME (making a sad clown face): I don't think she understands what "funny" means.
TLB: You'd be less hurt if she'd called you fat.
ME: Damn right. (Moving into another room out of Libby's earshot). Fuck if I'm going to read her stories in all these different voices, trying to make her laugh. I might as well be a sack of shit reading Green Eggs and Ham.
TLB: Except a sack of shit reading Green Eggs and Ham would be funny.
ME: Goddamnit.
ME: Libby, is Mommy funny?
LIBBY: Yeah.
ME: Is Daddy funny?
LIBBY (pauses): No.
ME: What? Daddy's not funny?
From the other room comes a triumphant cackling as if one of the Graeae had just snatched Perseus' nutsack from him.
TLB: That's my girl!
ME (making a sad clown face): I don't think she understands what "funny" means.
TLB: You'd be less hurt if she'd called you fat.
ME: Damn right. (Moving into another room out of Libby's earshot). Fuck if I'm going to read her stories in all these different voices, trying to make her laugh. I might as well be a sack of shit reading Green Eggs and Ham.
TLB: Except a sack of shit reading Green Eggs and Ham would be funny.
ME: Goddamnit.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
No time for love, Dr. Jones
It is all finding lost luggage and mandolin strings in the middle of Austin for me this week. No drugs, no sex, some rock and roll, but only as background noise as my office chair and I grow increasingly resentful of each other, like a WASPy couple who hate each other but let their hatred fester silently beneath a veneer of civility.
I don't say that for sympathy. My job usually doesn't require that kind of time commitment. We just happen to have a big project and a tight deadline, which sounds much hotter than it actually is. As such, my dick joke reservoir is running a little dry (please feel free to insert witty rejoinder in comments*)
However, this presents an opportunity to play a song thatall most some one of you will love:
For the haters, you can fast-forward to around 2:25 for Tremendous Geddy Face. It's only a quick flash, but he looks like he surprised himself with his own awesomeness.
*that's what she said
I don't say that for sympathy. My job usually doesn't require that kind of time commitment. We just happen to have a big project and a tight deadline, which sounds much hotter than it actually is. As such, my dick joke reservoir is running a little dry (please feel free to insert witty rejoinder in comments*)
However, this presents an opportunity to play a song that
For the haters, you can fast-forward to around 2:25 for Tremendous Geddy Face. It's only a quick flash, but he looks like he surprised himself with his own awesomeness.
*that's what she said
Friday, February 11, 2011
@FridayRandom11
#1morerandomthan10
I was originally going to ditch this week’s post because I’m really busy with work. My company’s going through a big Web site redesign, and sadly we haven’t invented content management software that can take my half-assed verbal directions and create a pristine Web site. And here we thought by 2010 we’d have to worry about psychotic computers building the most kick-ass Arnold Schwarzenegger wax museum statues ever or taking over our missions to Jupiter.
A Non-Random Friday disappointed me, because I love both rocking on Fridays and writing about rocking on Fridays. After I was on our corporate Twitter account today, though, I thought, why not do today’s list in Tweet form? So here you go, comedy in 140 characters or less, or your money back!
1) “911 Is a Joke,” Public Enemy. One barometer for if racism is still a problem: does one race fear calling the police more than others? http://bit.me/whitey
2) “Returning to the Fold,” The Thermals. @lapsedcatholic: Being Catholic is like being Jewish. Even if you don’t practice, you still consider yourself a member.
3) “Hold My Life,” The Replacements. @EddieMoney1 can suck a fat one. This is the song that makes me wanna go back & be in my poster-covered room w/ headphones on #leftofthedial
4) “Working Class Hero,” John Lennon. Do we even have any working class heroes anymore? Do we even have a working class?
5) “Fleur De Lys,” Juliana Hatfield. Underrated, sweet, and crunchy, like kettle corn. #alternativeisheretostay
6) “We End Up Together,” The New Pornographers. Two straight disappointing albums. Can’t tell if it’s because the first 3 were just too awesome & these just pale, or if they aren’t good.
7) “Elsewhere,” Sarah McLachlan. Lilith Fair Indigo Grrls jokes aside, she can really sing and creates great atmosphere on her songs. So, like button for me. #sensitiveguys
8) “All Your Kayfabe Friends,” Los Campesinos! @millennials Pls. don’t get freaked out if you see me dancing at a Los Campesinos show. Swear I’m good old and not Dateline NBC creepy old.
9) “The Long and Winding Road,” The Beatles. @TheRealPhilS: Should we now refer to your production technique as the Prison Wall of Sound?
10) “Dirt Off Your Shoulder,” Jay-Z. Must be played at 3 am through a trunk sub the size of Rhode Island as you drive in a neighborhood full of sleeping kids #notbitteratall
11) “Autonomy,” Heartless Bastards. More yes, yes, yes for me than the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. Have had a soft spot for female rockers since Leather Tuscadero. #Ms.MeDeadly
@allofyou: Have a good weekend!
I was originally going to ditch this week’s post because I’m really busy with work. My company’s going through a big Web site redesign, and sadly we haven’t invented content management software that can take my half-assed verbal directions and create a pristine Web site. And here we thought by 2010 we’d have to worry about psychotic computers building the most kick-ass Arnold Schwarzenegger wax museum statues ever or taking over our missions to Jupiter.
A Non-Random Friday disappointed me, because I love both rocking on Fridays and writing about rocking on Fridays. After I was on our corporate Twitter account today, though, I thought, why not do today’s list in Tweet form? So here you go, comedy in 140 characters or less, or your money back!
1) “911 Is a Joke,” Public Enemy. One barometer for if racism is still a problem: does one race fear calling the police more than others? http://bit.me/whitey
2) “Returning to the Fold,” The Thermals. @lapsedcatholic: Being Catholic is like being Jewish. Even if you don’t practice, you still consider yourself a member.
3) “Hold My Life,” The Replacements. @EddieMoney1 can suck a fat one. This is the song that makes me wanna go back & be in my poster-covered room w/ headphones on #leftofthedial
4) “Working Class Hero,” John Lennon. Do we even have any working class heroes anymore? Do we even have a working class?
5) “Fleur De Lys,” Juliana Hatfield. Underrated, sweet, and crunchy, like kettle corn. #alternativeisheretostay
6) “We End Up Together,” The New Pornographers. Two straight disappointing albums. Can’t tell if it’s because the first 3 were just too awesome & these just pale, or if they aren’t good.
7) “Elsewhere,” Sarah McLachlan. Lilith Fair Indigo Grrls jokes aside, she can really sing and creates great atmosphere on her songs. So, like button for me. #sensitiveguys
8) “All Your Kayfabe Friends,” Los Campesinos! @millennials Pls. don’t get freaked out if you see me dancing at a Los Campesinos show. Swear I’m good old and not Dateline NBC creepy old.
9) “The Long and Winding Road,” The Beatles. @TheRealPhilS: Should we now refer to your production technique as the Prison Wall of Sound?
10) “Dirt Off Your Shoulder,” Jay-Z. Must be played at 3 am through a trunk sub the size of Rhode Island as you drive in a neighborhood full of sleeping kids #notbitteratall
11) “Autonomy,” Heartless Bastards. More yes, yes, yes for me than the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. Have had a soft spot for female rockers since Leather Tuscadero. #Ms.MeDeadly
@allofyou: Have a good weekend!
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Top Ten Wednesdays: How are we promoting democracy in the Middle East?
10) By supporting the right of Middle Eastern people to have a say in their own political futures and elect the governments that they want, rather than live under the yoke of dictatorship!
9) Unless that government is, you know, a little Muslimy.
8) Look, we were founded under the written principle of all men are created equal, but we have an unwritten part we also follow, that some men are more equal than others. (Okay, that part used to be written, too.)
7) The problem with giving power to the people is that you sometimes get people in power that you don’t like, and while we support freedom, there has to be some limits.
6) It’s not that we won’t recognize governments that are run by Muslims, we just prefer that they act a little more Christian.
5) Even better, why not have Egypt be led out of the desert of oppression to the milk and honey of democracy by a nice Jewish boy?
4) But if that can’t happen, it’s not a bad idea to have someone who’s been Western-educated hold freedom down until it’s ready to grow up.
3) Someone like a president who will step down but not leave office. Or a general. Or maybe a shah, which sounds so glamorous!
2) Because if we’re not careful, what’s happening in the Middle East could happen here, the way it did 235 years ago.
1) Finally, if there’s one thing we know about American foreign policy, it’s this: You can’t harvest freedom without spreading a lot of fertilizer first.
9) Unless that government is, you know, a little Muslimy.
8) Look, we were founded under the written principle of all men are created equal, but we have an unwritten part we also follow, that some men are more equal than others. (Okay, that part used to be written, too.)
7) The problem with giving power to the people is that you sometimes get people in power that you don’t like, and while we support freedom, there has to be some limits.
6) It’s not that we won’t recognize governments that are run by Muslims, we just prefer that they act a little more Christian.
5) Even better, why not have Egypt be led out of the desert of oppression to the milk and honey of democracy by a nice Jewish boy?
4) But if that can’t happen, it’s not a bad idea to have someone who’s been Western-educated hold freedom down until it’s ready to grow up.
3) Someone like a president who will step down but not leave office. Or a general. Or maybe a shah, which sounds so glamorous!
2) Because if we’re not careful, what’s happening in the Middle East could happen here, the way it did 235 years ago.
1) Finally, if there’s one thing we know about American foreign policy, it’s this: You can’t harvest freedom without spreading a lot of fertilizer first.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Friday Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
We added another cat to our household yesterday. The Lovely Becky and Libby brought home Truman (so named after Mizzou’s mascot), a two-year old ball of mellow orange fluff. He joins our six-year-old ball of orange fluff, Jonesy, who seemed a bit lonely after losing his pals Bubba and Bugsy this past year.
Truman
Jonesy
As you can see, Truman and Jonesy could be brothers. In fact, I came upstairs yesterday and saw one of them sitting in Libby’s chair like a little prince. It took me a moment to tell it was Jonesy. “Your majesty, you look like the piss boy!” I told him. The problem with making pop culture jokes with cats is that they don’t deliver the rebuttal line.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I’m glad we have two cats in the house again. Yes, TLB, you have that in writing.
Tune time….
1) Lucky Ghost, “Made in America.” Social networking has been blamed for the unraveling of social ties as we ditch face-to-face interaction for tweets, comments, status updates, and likes. But this song is another testament to how social networking can connect you with people you otherwise would never know. It’s from a guy I’ve known as Slumberland, a fellow poster from a videogame message board we’ve both posted on for years. We’ve interacted in post form and also playing games online, but never met or talked outside of gaming. Without that social networking, I never would have known about Slumber’s album, Sex Griddle (how can I not love that title?), an album that has been in heavy rotation for the last few days. It’s a great bit of rocking new wave that pulls from the 80s without stealing from it. I hear The Killers and The Postal Service with even a few proggy keyboards thrown in for good measure (don’t worry, this is wank-free music). I highly recommend downloading it.
2) “Headache,” Liz Phair. Sadly, headaches are what Phair’s new music trigger. It’s a shame she went from Exile in Guyville to Avril in Blahville in just a couple of albums.
3) “The Trooper,” Iron Maiden. METAL! And nothing is quite so metal as a song based on “The Charge of the Light Brigade.” Bayonets, swords, cannon, bugles…Okay, so bugles are not really metal unless you hook them up to distortion pedals and a stack of Marshalls. This is my favorite Maiden song, mostly because the bass line really sounds like charging cavalry and Bruce Dickinson sings like he’s waving a flag to rally the troops. Related: I wish someone would make a simulation where you could experience what it's like to perform in front of 50,000 Brazilian rock fans. A helmet you could wear that allows you to yell, "SCREAM FOR ME, RIO!" and hear the fans yell back before they start a soccer chant in your honor.
4) “Title Track,” Death Cab for Cutie. And now for something completely different. Actually, after the sturm and drang of “The Trooper,” this sounds like a post battle letter written by Private Emo, who is portrayed by Elijah Wood in the Ken Burns documentary. My dearest Emma, I was filled with jubilation after surviving the great battle, until I received your letter that you have left me for that mandolin player. I dare say that I shan’t recover and will be in my room for the remainder of the war.
5) “Tall Trees,” Crowded House. We actually have two tall trees that we need to cut down this spring, a pair of pines that get needles all over everything. They are the plant equivalent of sand. No matter how much we vacuum, I have at least one case per week where I’m walking around the house and then, STAB! One of those fuckers ambushes me from the threads of the carpet like a piney Viet Cong.
6) “Poltergeist,” Les Savy Fav (song not on YouTube, so I'm using another from the same album). The clown is the part of the movie Poltergeist that always scares the shit out of everyone, myself included. Killer clown dolls are one of the scariest things among scary things that don’t really exist. The part of that movie that scares me even more, however, is the scene where JoBeth Williams is in the kitchen. She goes to the cabinet and then turns around a second later and all the kitchen chairs are stacked on each other. Gets me every time because it looks so real and seamless in the movie.
7) “Drown,” Son Volt. Just a stomping good time and a textbook case of the proper use of cowbell.
8) “Immigrant Song,” Led Zeppelin. True story: this has been banned from all classic rock stations in Arizona.* Also, this illustrates why I cannot ever be president. If was running for president and my birth records were questioned by a bunch of tinfoil wearing knuckledraggers who had eaten too much dirt and stared at the sun too long, after issuing the usual denials, I would order my campaign manager to make this my new campaign song, just to fuck with those idiots.
9) “I Will Follow (Live),” U2. I don’t have a bucket list, mostly because creating such a list would have me obsessing how much time I have left to accomplish everything on that list. I have a difficult enough time with tasks popping up in my Outlook, let alone something like “See the Sphinx” that I have to snooze for 20 years. However, one definite bucket list item is seeing a concert in Red Rocks. Also, if I had a time-traveling DeLorean, I would consider setting it to go back so I could see U2 play Red Rocks in 1983. My parents’ future happiness and my existence could wait until after we finished singing “40.”
10) “Rock of Ages,” Def Leppard. Def Zeppelin in the Random 11 two weeks in a row, which is like getting forks in one’s ears two weeks in a row for my lovely wife. We don’t really see eye-to-eye on the hard rock, mostly because she grew up in a place where every day was like a Beavis and Butt-Head marathon, only without any punchlines, jokes, or hope of a change in programming. But me? I want rock and roll, especially thumping, Mutt-Lang-produced British hard rock that opens with pig German and also has another textbook case of awesome cowbell.
11) “This Charming Man,” The Smiths. I agree with a lot of others that this is their best song. It reminds me of watching old movies where actors and actresses would conceal the subtext of the animal lust and longing beneath wit and banter. Watch North By Northwest and see how Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint would love nothing better than to forget the whole conspiracy and tear each other’s clothes off. Yet they show so much restraint and put all that passion into a kiss. Given the title, tagline, and level of discourse this blog usually revels in, it may come (heh-heh) as a shock that I like subtlety, but I really am impressed by the old-fashioned movie flirting. Morrissey pulls that off brilliantly here, in a gay context no less.
Hidden bonus track: “Find Your Way Back,” Jefferson Starship. I don’t know why I like this fucking song so much, because I realize it’s a thick slab of classic corporate rock idiocy. Yet every time it plays, I have to crank it, especially the throbbing part that leads to the guitar solo. It’s times like these that I question my qualifications to write about music. Sad sidenote: Pretty soon no one will know what a hidden bonus track is.
Have a great weekend. I abstained from writing about the Super Bowl because the thought of another Packer title gives me anal leprosy. Should the Cheese Monkeys pull it off, however, I hope the zombie parties til his limbs fall off and slowly crawl back toward his torso.
*Not actually true although not surprising if it were true.
We added another cat to our household yesterday. The Lovely Becky and Libby brought home Truman (so named after Mizzou’s mascot), a two-year old ball of mellow orange fluff. He joins our six-year-old ball of orange fluff, Jonesy, who seemed a bit lonely after losing his pals Bubba and Bugsy this past year.
Truman
JonesyAs you can see, Truman and Jonesy could be brothers. In fact, I came upstairs yesterday and saw one of them sitting in Libby’s chair like a little prince. It took me a moment to tell it was Jonesy. “Your majesty, you look like the piss boy!” I told him. The problem with making pop culture jokes with cats is that they don’t deliver the rebuttal line.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I’m glad we have two cats in the house again. Yes, TLB, you have that in writing.
Tune time….
1) Lucky Ghost, “Made in America.” Social networking has been blamed for the unraveling of social ties as we ditch face-to-face interaction for tweets, comments, status updates, and likes. But this song is another testament to how social networking can connect you with people you otherwise would never know. It’s from a guy I’ve known as Slumberland, a fellow poster from a videogame message board we’ve both posted on for years. We’ve interacted in post form and also playing games online, but never met or talked outside of gaming. Without that social networking, I never would have known about Slumber’s album, Sex Griddle (how can I not love that title?), an album that has been in heavy rotation for the last few days. It’s a great bit of rocking new wave that pulls from the 80s without stealing from it. I hear The Killers and The Postal Service with even a few proggy keyboards thrown in for good measure (don’t worry, this is wank-free music). I highly recommend downloading it.
2) “Headache,” Liz Phair. Sadly, headaches are what Phair’s new music trigger. It’s a shame she went from Exile in Guyville to Avril in Blahville in just a couple of albums.
3) “The Trooper,” Iron Maiden. METAL! And nothing is quite so metal as a song based on “The Charge of the Light Brigade.” Bayonets, swords, cannon, bugles…Okay, so bugles are not really metal unless you hook them up to distortion pedals and a stack of Marshalls. This is my favorite Maiden song, mostly because the bass line really sounds like charging cavalry and Bruce Dickinson sings like he’s waving a flag to rally the troops. Related: I wish someone would make a simulation where you could experience what it's like to perform in front of 50,000 Brazilian rock fans. A helmet you could wear that allows you to yell, "SCREAM FOR ME, RIO!" and hear the fans yell back before they start a soccer chant in your honor.
4) “Title Track,” Death Cab for Cutie. And now for something completely different. Actually, after the sturm and drang of “The Trooper,” this sounds like a post battle letter written by Private Emo, who is portrayed by Elijah Wood in the Ken Burns documentary. My dearest Emma, I was filled with jubilation after surviving the great battle, until I received your letter that you have left me for that mandolin player. I dare say that I shan’t recover and will be in my room for the remainder of the war.
5) “Tall Trees,” Crowded House. We actually have two tall trees that we need to cut down this spring, a pair of pines that get needles all over everything. They are the plant equivalent of sand. No matter how much we vacuum, I have at least one case per week where I’m walking around the house and then, STAB! One of those fuckers ambushes me from the threads of the carpet like a piney Viet Cong.
6) “Poltergeist,” Les Savy Fav (song not on YouTube, so I'm using another from the same album). The clown is the part of the movie Poltergeist that always scares the shit out of everyone, myself included. Killer clown dolls are one of the scariest things among scary things that don’t really exist. The part of that movie that scares me even more, however, is the scene where JoBeth Williams is in the kitchen. She goes to the cabinet and then turns around a second later and all the kitchen chairs are stacked on each other. Gets me every time because it looks so real and seamless in the movie.
7) “Drown,” Son Volt. Just a stomping good time and a textbook case of the proper use of cowbell.
8) “Immigrant Song,” Led Zeppelin. True story: this has been banned from all classic rock stations in Arizona.* Also, this illustrates why I cannot ever be president. If was running for president and my birth records were questioned by a bunch of tinfoil wearing knuckledraggers who had eaten too much dirt and stared at the sun too long, after issuing the usual denials, I would order my campaign manager to make this my new campaign song, just to fuck with those idiots.
9) “I Will Follow (Live),” U2. I don’t have a bucket list, mostly because creating such a list would have me obsessing how much time I have left to accomplish everything on that list. I have a difficult enough time with tasks popping up in my Outlook, let alone something like “See the Sphinx” that I have to snooze for 20 years. However, one definite bucket list item is seeing a concert in Red Rocks. Also, if I had a time-traveling DeLorean, I would consider setting it to go back so I could see U2 play Red Rocks in 1983. My parents’ future happiness and my existence could wait until after we finished singing “40.”
10) “Rock of Ages,” Def Leppard. Def Zeppelin in the Random 11 two weeks in a row, which is like getting forks in one’s ears two weeks in a row for my lovely wife. We don’t really see eye-to-eye on the hard rock, mostly because she grew up in a place where every day was like a Beavis and Butt-Head marathon, only without any punchlines, jokes, or hope of a change in programming. But me? I want rock and roll, especially thumping, Mutt-Lang-produced British hard rock that opens with pig German and also has another textbook case of awesome cowbell.
11) “This Charming Man,” The Smiths. I agree with a lot of others that this is their best song. It reminds me of watching old movies where actors and actresses would conceal the subtext of the animal lust and longing beneath wit and banter. Watch North By Northwest and see how Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint would love nothing better than to forget the whole conspiracy and tear each other’s clothes off. Yet they show so much restraint and put all that passion into a kiss. Given the title, tagline, and level of discourse this blog usually revels in, it may come (heh-heh) as a shock that I like subtlety, but I really am impressed by the old-fashioned movie flirting. Morrissey pulls that off brilliantly here, in a gay context no less.
Hidden bonus track: “Find Your Way Back,” Jefferson Starship. I don’t know why I like this fucking song so much, because I realize it’s a thick slab of classic corporate rock idiocy. Yet every time it plays, I have to crank it, especially the throbbing part that leads to the guitar solo. It’s times like these that I question my qualifications to write about music. Sad sidenote: Pretty soon no one will know what a hidden bonus track is.
Have a great weekend. I abstained from writing about the Super Bowl because the thought of another Packer title gives me anal leprosy. Should the Cheese Monkeys pull it off, however, I hope the zombie parties til his limbs fall off and slowly crawl back toward his torso.
*Not actually true although not surprising if it were true.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Top Ten Tuesdays: What new snowstorm-related nicknames are we coining?
10) Snowgasm
9) Frigidiculous
8) Disiceter
7) Snowbulation
6) Freezapallooza
5) Hirosnowma
4) Frostnarok
3) Snowitnam
2) The That’s Not a Barometer in Jim Cantore’s Snowpants Storm
1) Snowkkake
9) Frigidiculous
8) Disiceter
7) Snowbulation
6) Freezapallooza
5) Hirosnowma
4) Frostnarok
3) Snowitnam
2) The That’s Not a Barometer in Jim Cantore’s Snowpants Storm
1) Snowkkake
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday Random 11
It’s one more random than 10!
I went to the Packers-Bears game last week. Despite the loss, the day itself was great. We started at a bar, took a “party bus” to the game (a schoolbus with a keg in the back), ate chocolate whip cream straight out of a can, drank from both our officially purchased drinks at the stadium and the unofficial whiskey and schnapps we brought in, bitched and froze during the terrible first half, screamed and warmed up during the exciting second half, and after the loss made our way back to the bar on a bus that, while still containing a keg, had lost the “party” part.
That’s a sucky part about being a sports fan—no matter how well your team does, it’s the final thing that happens in the season that sticks with you. The Bears had a good year, much better than I or any other fans I know expected. I should celebrate that and look back fondly on what was generally a fun season. Instead, I feel like I did after the Super Bowl a few years ago, very disappointed to have my favorite team get so close and yet pull up lame.
I also know that being this passionate about beefy millionaires colliding into each other with tremendous force is a silly passion to have. But I can’t help myself. I’ve been a Bears fan since around the time I was seven and wearing my Walter Payton footie pajamas. I have a huge amount of history with this team, and no matter how much they disappoint or how ridiculous pro sports are or how much Jay Cutler sulks, I can’t quit them. After all, I don’t know what my brother Tickle and I would talk about.
1) “Message in a Bottle (Live),” The Police. “So Lonely” is my personal Police favorite, but I think “Message in a Bottle” is their greatest song. They took their reggae and rock influences and fused them into something that sounds very unique. I also like the reverse approach to slow-fast/quiet-loud, where the verses rock out and the chorus slows down to a reggae pace.
2) “Killer Parties,” The Hold Steady. As you get older, your quotient of killer parties definitely declines. That’s probably for the best, as us geezers have to save our dwindling brain cells instead of washing them down into our livers in a drunken frenzy. Still, there’s something about going to a truly killer party, where you just don’t have any cares in the world and let yourself completely give in to having a good time. I don’t do that nearly enough, and maybe that’s why I like Vegas so much. Or taking a party bus to a Bears game.
3) “Chiquitita,” ABBA. I was about to make a snarky ABBA comment, then remembered I watched all of Hall and Oates Behind The Music: Remastered the other night. In other words, I don’t have a mustache to stand on.
4) “Hello Goodbye,” The Beatles. It is amazing to me that, 40 years after they broke up, The Beatles are still one of the most creative groups in rock history. They’re not my favorite, but I can’t think of any other band that managed to be so innovative and yet still so damn catchy.
5) “Let It Go,” Def Leppard. Of course, after that fine bit of Beatles haute cuisine, I am even more delighted to wolf down this hair-band cheeseburger. It’s stupid (not clever), it’s sexist (not sexy), and yet whenever any of their songs from High ‘N’Dry or Pyromania come on, I immediately reach for the volume knob (heh-heh, I said knob).
6) “Mrs. Rita,” Gin Blossoms. One of the four or five songs off of New Miserable Experience that I never get tired of hearing. It’s got just the right balance between Beatles chime and 90s crunch. I also like that it doesn’t really sound dated.
7) “Allentown,” Billy Joel. Speaking of sounding dated. However, I am glad this came up, because 30 Rock had an amazing Billy Joel gag last night. A lot of times when I watch comedy shows I love, I fantasize about being a writer for them. I don’t do that with 30 Rock because I don’t believe I’m funny enough to write for that show. There are almost always at least two moments where I have to pause the show because I am laughing so hard.
8) “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” Pat Benatar. My love affair with fake instrument playing is a long one. I used to air guitar this song using a toy spear as my guitar—a fake Indian or Zulu spear that I got from Disney World or some other theme park back when you could sell violent, quasi-racist toys to children. For some reason, I felt less stupid pretending that toy spear was a guitar instead of just playing an invisible one. This is why children are not allowed to vote. Also, there is just a ridiculously long amount of cheering before this video starts.
9) “High and Dry,” Radiohead. Quite a different take on the title than Def Leppard’s. I think it would be awesome for Radiohead to put out an entire album of cock rock covers, all done Radiohead style. Imagine them doing serious covers of Whitesnake’s “Slide It In” or Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.” The entire staff at Pitchfork would spontaneously combust. That alone would make it worth it.
10) “Mrs. Robinson,” The Lemonheads. One of my Facebook friends put “I miss The Lemonheads” as his Facebook status this week, so apparently iTunes is now trolling Facebook, too. Soon we will have no secrets because the machines will know all! Unrelated: Evan Dando is so dreamy.
11) “Misty Mountain Hop,” Led Zeppelin. Awesome and well known, so no need to expound on that. However, I would like to mention that I think America has reached a dangerous James Franco saturation level, or Peak Franco. He acts, he directs, he writes, he paints, he rescues puppies, he grows perfect irony mustaches, he’s working on a Ph.D. an astroneuralbiosurgerology, a doctoral program he created from scratch for which he serves as its only grad student, his advisor, and the program chair…we fucking get it. You are better than us. You’re smarter, you’re handsomer, you’re nearly a match for Spiderman whereas we would still be hanging from a flagpole in a Spidey net. Now please go away so I can return to my normal levels of inadequacy.
Here’s hoping you have a good, Franco-less weekend.
I went to the Packers-Bears game last week. Despite the loss, the day itself was great. We started at a bar, took a “party bus” to the game (a schoolbus with a keg in the back), ate chocolate whip cream straight out of a can, drank from both our officially purchased drinks at the stadium and the unofficial whiskey and schnapps we brought in, bitched and froze during the terrible first half, screamed and warmed up during the exciting second half, and after the loss made our way back to the bar on a bus that, while still containing a keg, had lost the “party” part.
That’s a sucky part about being a sports fan—no matter how well your team does, it’s the final thing that happens in the season that sticks with you. The Bears had a good year, much better than I or any other fans I know expected. I should celebrate that and look back fondly on what was generally a fun season. Instead, I feel like I did after the Super Bowl a few years ago, very disappointed to have my favorite team get so close and yet pull up lame.
I also know that being this passionate about beefy millionaires colliding into each other with tremendous force is a silly passion to have. But I can’t help myself. I’ve been a Bears fan since around the time I was seven and wearing my Walter Payton footie pajamas. I have a huge amount of history with this team, and no matter how much they disappoint or how ridiculous pro sports are or how much Jay Cutler sulks, I can’t quit them. After all, I don’t know what my brother Tickle and I would talk about.
1) “Message in a Bottle (Live),” The Police. “So Lonely” is my personal Police favorite, but I think “Message in a Bottle” is their greatest song. They took their reggae and rock influences and fused them into something that sounds very unique. I also like the reverse approach to slow-fast/quiet-loud, where the verses rock out and the chorus slows down to a reggae pace.
2) “Killer Parties,” The Hold Steady. As you get older, your quotient of killer parties definitely declines. That’s probably for the best, as us geezers have to save our dwindling brain cells instead of washing them down into our livers in a drunken frenzy. Still, there’s something about going to a truly killer party, where you just don’t have any cares in the world and let yourself completely give in to having a good time. I don’t do that nearly enough, and maybe that’s why I like Vegas so much. Or taking a party bus to a Bears game.
3) “Chiquitita,” ABBA. I was about to make a snarky ABBA comment, then remembered I watched all of Hall and Oates Behind The Music: Remastered the other night. In other words, I don’t have a mustache to stand on.
4) “Hello Goodbye,” The Beatles. It is amazing to me that, 40 years after they broke up, The Beatles are still one of the most creative groups in rock history. They’re not my favorite, but I can’t think of any other band that managed to be so innovative and yet still so damn catchy.
5) “Let It Go,” Def Leppard. Of course, after that fine bit of Beatles haute cuisine, I am even more delighted to wolf down this hair-band cheeseburger. It’s stupid (not clever), it’s sexist (not sexy), and yet whenever any of their songs from High ‘N’Dry or Pyromania come on, I immediately reach for the volume knob (heh-heh, I said knob).
6) “Mrs. Rita,” Gin Blossoms. One of the four or five songs off of New Miserable Experience that I never get tired of hearing. It’s got just the right balance between Beatles chime and 90s crunch. I also like that it doesn’t really sound dated.
7) “Allentown,” Billy Joel. Speaking of sounding dated. However, I am glad this came up, because 30 Rock had an amazing Billy Joel gag last night. A lot of times when I watch comedy shows I love, I fantasize about being a writer for them. I don’t do that with 30 Rock because I don’t believe I’m funny enough to write for that show. There are almost always at least two moments where I have to pause the show because I am laughing so hard.
8) “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” Pat Benatar. My love affair with fake instrument playing is a long one. I used to air guitar this song using a toy spear as my guitar—a fake Indian or Zulu spear that I got from Disney World or some other theme park back when you could sell violent, quasi-racist toys to children. For some reason, I felt less stupid pretending that toy spear was a guitar instead of just playing an invisible one. This is why children are not allowed to vote. Also, there is just a ridiculously long amount of cheering before this video starts.
9) “High and Dry,” Radiohead. Quite a different take on the title than Def Leppard’s. I think it would be awesome for Radiohead to put out an entire album of cock rock covers, all done Radiohead style. Imagine them doing serious covers of Whitesnake’s “Slide It In” or Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.” The entire staff at Pitchfork would spontaneously combust. That alone would make it worth it.
10) “Mrs. Robinson,” The Lemonheads. One of my Facebook friends put “I miss The Lemonheads” as his Facebook status this week, so apparently iTunes is now trolling Facebook, too. Soon we will have no secrets because the machines will know all! Unrelated: Evan Dando is so dreamy.
11) “Misty Mountain Hop,” Led Zeppelin. Awesome and well known, so no need to expound on that. However, I would like to mention that I think America has reached a dangerous James Franco saturation level, or Peak Franco. He acts, he directs, he writes, he paints, he rescues puppies, he grows perfect irony mustaches, he’s working on a Ph.D. an astroneuralbiosurgerology, a doctoral program he created from scratch for which he serves as its only grad student, his advisor, and the program chair…we fucking get it. You are better than us. You’re smarter, you’re handsomer, you’re nearly a match for Spiderman whereas we would still be hanging from a flagpole in a Spidey net. Now please go away so I can return to my normal levels of inadequacy.
Here’s hoping you have a good, Franco-less weekend.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Top Ten Tuesdays: What will we hear in tonight's State of the Union?
10) To make universal health coverage more palatable to Republicans, all those without health coverage must first undergo leeching and faith healing before being able to see a doctor.
9) American holdings in hope and change will be sold and invested in the more profitable blood and oil funds.
8) The White House will promote more Judeo-Christian values by requiring all sex in the Lincoln Bedroom to be missionary-position only.
7) A request to make political discourse more civil and non-confrontational by changing calls to kill our political opponents into requests for our political opponents to commit suicide.
6) In order to reduce the future demand on social security, all Americans will be required to consume a plate of fried cheese every day.
5) Plans to improve educational performance by allowing students to take “Xbox” as a foreign language.
4) A challenge to the energy, auto, and music industries to make a car that runs on alternative rock energy.
3) That in order to convince the American people that Democrats are the right choice for America, they must act more like Republicans.
2) A counterpoint by John Boehner outlining how Republicans will reduce government spending to 1908 levels.
1) A pledge to reduce our deficit without cutting spending or raising taxes by continuing our search for a magical unicorn that shits bricks of gold.
9) American holdings in hope and change will be sold and invested in the more profitable blood and oil funds.
8) The White House will promote more Judeo-Christian values by requiring all sex in the Lincoln Bedroom to be missionary-position only.
7) A request to make political discourse more civil and non-confrontational by changing calls to kill our political opponents into requests for our political opponents to commit suicide.
6) In order to reduce the future demand on social security, all Americans will be required to consume a plate of fried cheese every day.
5) Plans to improve educational performance by allowing students to take “Xbox” as a foreign language.
4) A challenge to the energy, auto, and music industries to make a car that runs on alternative rock energy.
3) That in order to convince the American people that Democrats are the right choice for America, they must act more like Republicans.
2) A counterpoint by John Boehner outlining how Republicans will reduce government spending to 1908 levels.
1) A pledge to reduce our deficit without cutting spending or raising taxes by continuing our search for a magical unicorn that shits bricks of gold.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Top Ten Wednesdays: How are we improving relations with China?
10) Conducting joint culinary exercises under the commands of General Tso and Colonel Sanders.
9) Stimulating job creation and trade by allowing a 20% increase in lead content in Chinese-made toys/toothpaste/baby food as long as China uses U.S.-made lead.
8) Allowing Yao Ming to defend the low post with an AK-47.
7) Working off our debt to China by doing their laundry.
6) Collaborating on a secret project to put North Korea in a giant sack and drown it in the Pacific.
5) Strengthening cultural ties by finally greenlighting, “Fortune Cookie: The Movie”
4) Easing tensions by forbidding U.S. news outlets from using the words pollution, human rights violations, environmental disaster, imprisoned Nobel Prize recipient, or mass recall due to high levels of toxicity when reporting on China.
3) Letting them acquire California on a rent-to-own plan.
2) Requiring all unwed U.S. mothers to receive government assistance only if they agree to go on a date with a lonely Chinese man.
1) Getting drunk together and prank calling Japan at 4 a.m.
9) Stimulating job creation and trade by allowing a 20% increase in lead content in Chinese-made toys/toothpaste/baby food as long as China uses U.S.-made lead.
8) Allowing Yao Ming to defend the low post with an AK-47.
7) Working off our debt to China by doing their laundry.
6) Collaborating on a secret project to put North Korea in a giant sack and drown it in the Pacific.
5) Strengthening cultural ties by finally greenlighting, “Fortune Cookie: The Movie”
4) Easing tensions by forbidding U.S. news outlets from using the words pollution, human rights violations, environmental disaster, imprisoned Nobel Prize recipient, or mass recall due to high levels of toxicity when reporting on China.
3) Letting them acquire California on a rent-to-own plan.
2) Requiring all unwed U.S. mothers to receive government assistance only if they agree to go on a date with a lonely Chinese man.
1) Getting drunk together and prank calling Japan at 4 a.m.
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