10) Guzzling a bottle of Beam before the bikini wax.
9) Performing self-liposuction using a steak knife and a Dust Buster.
8) Taping down the sides of our Speedo to avoid another "peek-a-boo" incident.
7) Using leftover can of tan Sherman Williams paint as bronzer.
6) Welcoming our skin moles back from hibernation.
5) Paying someone who is in shape to be our beach double.
4) Microwaving face in order to get first sunburn out of the way.
3) Spending a month eating only broccoli that's salted with our bitter, overweight tears.
2) Sharpening our lawn mower blades before shaving our backs.
1) Standing naked in front of a mirror until desire to go to the beach passes.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Friday, June 05, 2009
Friday Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
I read an interesting post by the always entertaining Adorable Girlfriend this week. AG wrote about her memories of high school, about the schizophrenic nature of the experience (being both great and terrible), how her identity in high school shifted over the years, and how she's distanced herself from it in an era where Facebook is making it easier than ever to connect with/stalk old high school friends and flames. She added something else in the comments that stuck with me: "There are two types of people: those who keep a ton of old pals around and those who blaze new paths."
As a Navy brat, I was in the business of reinventing myself every two to four years. I'd have to pick up and go someplace else and make new friends. I hated leaving the old ones behind, but at the same time I sort of relished being able to fine tune my identity. New friends knew no old, embarrassing details. They told no tales about how, this one time, at band camp, Brando did X. Sure, I wove new tales of embarrassment, but always with the knowledge I could make them disappear soon.
I was able to keep those old tales in the past because I almost never stayed in touch with the friends I left behind. Admittedly, laziness played a large role in losing touch. I just didn't enjoy writing letters, especially when I knew there was little chance I would see those friends again. But I think there was something more at work. I think part of me saw those relationships as moments in time. They were very important, and I was grateful for them, but they were off a certain moment and place, and I kept them there. I blazed a new path.
My brother Tickle, however, took the opposite approach. He kept in touch with many of his friends as we moved. In fact, many of those friends became friends with his new friends. I'm on an e-mail list with a group of them, where we talk about sports, Vegas, drinking, and other assorted stupidity, and you would think that all of these guys grew up together. Yet they are distinct groups that only know each other because of my brother.
I joined Facebook last year, the same year as my twentieth high school reunion, and I wound up reconnecting with a lot of people from high school and college, people I hadn't talked to for fifteen to twenty years. Those contacts made me realize that I wish I had taken Tickle's approach. It's not out of some desire to relive high school—I had a very good time then, but I'd never want to return to those days. And many of those friendships dissolved naturally, not in bad way, but the way they do when people grow up and move on. There are a few, though, that I regret not keeping going. With a little more effort on my part, I could have built on those moments in time with new experiences.
That realization makes me a little sad, but even though it's not the same, I'm grateful that I live in an age where I can not only make contact with old friends again, but keep in virtual touch with newer friends who are no longer physically in my life. It's not the same as seeing each other, then or now, but at least we get to peek a little into each other's lives and see how things are going. That's worth something.
Okay, I'm starting to sound like The Wonder Years here. Time for some tunes.
1) "Bring on the Night," The Police. One of the things that's very hard to get used to in the Upper Peninsula is the length of the day. This is partly from being on Eastern time despite being about the same longitude as Chicago. That means the daylight stretches into the post-10 P.M. realm once we get into June and July. They can't start fireworks here on the Fourth of July until 11 because it's too bright. On the one hand, it's extremely invigorating. It'll be 8:00 p.m. and feel like 5:00, and like Ultraman, that sunlight just gives me a burst of power. On the other that means going to sleep less than an hour after sunset, which makes me feel like a farmer. So bring on the night indeed.
2) "Modern Kicks," The Exploding Hearts. The best Clash tribute band since Rancid, and a tragic story: three of the four band members were killed in a car accident after making this, their only record. It's amazing that a group who were born after Star Wars could invoke the spirit of 1977 punk so accurately.
3) "Timothy," Jet. Dumb bands should never slow things down, because it allows you to focus on what they're singing about. Give me a bouncy beat and ask if I'm going to be your girl and we'll be just fine.
4) "Disposable Heroes," Metallica. See what I mean.
5) "Mixed Emotions," The Rolling Stones. The title pretty much sums up my feelings about The Stones.
6) "Girl," The Beatles. They're getting their own version of Rock Band this fall, with the twist that the game follows their career. You can also buy an additional Yoko add-on that causes the game disc to break into four pieces.
7) "Piano Fire," Sparklehorse. I have a lot of stuff like this on my hard drive: a pretty good song that unfortunately does not capture my attention enough for me to seek it out again.
8) "Werewolves of London," Warren Zevon. Never wears out its humor. A funny personal story about this album, Excitable Boy. When I was six (and still an only child), my parents and I moved from D.C. back to the NWI (Northwest Indiana), moving into my Grandma's house. while we got settled. Grandma's has one bathroom, and both my Uncle T and my Aunt J were still living there, so things were a bit close. One night, my Uncle T, who was in full swinging single mode, had a hot date to get to, which required him drying his hair (back when he had hair). He had showered and left to get dressed in his room, which gave me the opening I needed to dart into the bathroom and claim squatter's rights. Being six, I was never terribly fast about completing bathroom transactions, so I was still in there when he returned to dry his hair.
I love my uncle, and he was always great to me, but this night he was irritated that I couldn't wait for him to finish before I sequestered myself. He started banging on the door and yelling about being late. Because I did love my uncle, I got very upset, and left the bathroom before I was completely finished. I slunk off to the kitchen, where my mom and my Aunt J asked me what happened. I pitifully told them I had been kicked off the toilet so Uncle T could dry his hair (neglecting, of course, the part about claim jumping the bathroom). My mom and aunt got on my uncle's case, and after my uncle's hair was perfect (as the song goes), I returned to finish my business.
However, my Aunt J was not done. She always hated Zevon's Excitable Boy, possibly because my uncle liked it. Under the guise of enacting revenge for me, she took the record needle on my uncle's player and scratched poor Zevon's record like it had been mauled by a werewolf. And within the next decade, my uncle's hair began to recede like it was retreating to Dunkirk. So there really is karma in the universe.
9) "My Valuable Hunting Knife," Guided by Voices. I want to start a new life, with my valuable hunting knife singer Robert Pollard. Well, if that's the case, the U.P. is the place to be. I explained the difference between Iowa and the U.P. to one of my Iowa friends recently. I said if you left Iowa City, you were in the country. If you left Marquette, you were in the wilderness. Generally speaking, things don't eat you in the country, but they might in the wilderness. That's why the hunting knife is so valuable.
10) "Prison Girls," Neko Case. Hmm, Neko Case in a women's prison...could you all give me a moment? Actually, I recently saw one of those prison documentaries on life in a women's prison, which is not at all like what I pictured. Thanks for nothing, Discovery Channel.
11) "Love Me Like a Reptile," Motörhead. I'm not sure, but I think the title of this song is double-entendre about charming a snake. The English are great at coming up with that kind of stuff. And how can a weekend not be awesome when Lemmy leads you into it?
Have a great one.
I read an interesting post by the always entertaining Adorable Girlfriend this week. AG wrote about her memories of high school, about the schizophrenic nature of the experience (being both great and terrible), how her identity in high school shifted over the years, and how she's distanced herself from it in an era where Facebook is making it easier than ever to connect with/stalk old high school friends and flames. She added something else in the comments that stuck with me: "There are two types of people: those who keep a ton of old pals around and those who blaze new paths."
As a Navy brat, I was in the business of reinventing myself every two to four years. I'd have to pick up and go someplace else and make new friends. I hated leaving the old ones behind, but at the same time I sort of relished being able to fine tune my identity. New friends knew no old, embarrassing details. They told no tales about how, this one time, at band camp, Brando did X. Sure, I wove new tales of embarrassment, but always with the knowledge I could make them disappear soon.
I was able to keep those old tales in the past because I almost never stayed in touch with the friends I left behind. Admittedly, laziness played a large role in losing touch. I just didn't enjoy writing letters, especially when I knew there was little chance I would see those friends again. But I think there was something more at work. I think part of me saw those relationships as moments in time. They were very important, and I was grateful for them, but they were off a certain moment and place, and I kept them there. I blazed a new path.
My brother Tickle, however, took the opposite approach. He kept in touch with many of his friends as we moved. In fact, many of those friends became friends with his new friends. I'm on an e-mail list with a group of them, where we talk about sports, Vegas, drinking, and other assorted stupidity, and you would think that all of these guys grew up together. Yet they are distinct groups that only know each other because of my brother.
I joined Facebook last year, the same year as my twentieth high school reunion, and I wound up reconnecting with a lot of people from high school and college, people I hadn't talked to for fifteen to twenty years. Those contacts made me realize that I wish I had taken Tickle's approach. It's not out of some desire to relive high school—I had a very good time then, but I'd never want to return to those days. And many of those friendships dissolved naturally, not in bad way, but the way they do when people grow up and move on. There are a few, though, that I regret not keeping going. With a little more effort on my part, I could have built on those moments in time with new experiences.
That realization makes me a little sad, but even though it's not the same, I'm grateful that I live in an age where I can not only make contact with old friends again, but keep in virtual touch with newer friends who are no longer physically in my life. It's not the same as seeing each other, then or now, but at least we get to peek a little into each other's lives and see how things are going. That's worth something.
Okay, I'm starting to sound like The Wonder Years here. Time for some tunes.
1) "Bring on the Night," The Police. One of the things that's very hard to get used to in the Upper Peninsula is the length of the day. This is partly from being on Eastern time despite being about the same longitude as Chicago. That means the daylight stretches into the post-10 P.M. realm once we get into June and July. They can't start fireworks here on the Fourth of July until 11 because it's too bright. On the one hand, it's extremely invigorating. It'll be 8:00 p.m. and feel like 5:00, and like Ultraman, that sunlight just gives me a burst of power. On the other that means going to sleep less than an hour after sunset, which makes me feel like a farmer. So bring on the night indeed.
2) "Modern Kicks," The Exploding Hearts. The best Clash tribute band since Rancid, and a tragic story: three of the four band members were killed in a car accident after making this, their only record. It's amazing that a group who were born after Star Wars could invoke the spirit of 1977 punk so accurately.
3) "Timothy," Jet. Dumb bands should never slow things down, because it allows you to focus on what they're singing about. Give me a bouncy beat and ask if I'm going to be your girl and we'll be just fine.
4) "Disposable Heroes," Metallica. See what I mean.
5) "Mixed Emotions," The Rolling Stones. The title pretty much sums up my feelings about The Stones.
6) "Girl," The Beatles. They're getting their own version of Rock Band this fall, with the twist that the game follows their career. You can also buy an additional Yoko add-on that causes the game disc to break into four pieces.
7) "Piano Fire," Sparklehorse. I have a lot of stuff like this on my hard drive: a pretty good song that unfortunately does not capture my attention enough for me to seek it out again.
8) "Werewolves of London," Warren Zevon. Never wears out its humor. A funny personal story about this album, Excitable Boy. When I was six (and still an only child), my parents and I moved from D.C. back to the NWI (Northwest Indiana), moving into my Grandma's house. while we got settled. Grandma's has one bathroom, and both my Uncle T and my Aunt J were still living there, so things were a bit close. One night, my Uncle T, who was in full swinging single mode, had a hot date to get to, which required him drying his hair (back when he had hair). He had showered and left to get dressed in his room, which gave me the opening I needed to dart into the bathroom and claim squatter's rights. Being six, I was never terribly fast about completing bathroom transactions, so I was still in there when he returned to dry his hair.
I love my uncle, and he was always great to me, but this night he was irritated that I couldn't wait for him to finish before I sequestered myself. He started banging on the door and yelling about being late. Because I did love my uncle, I got very upset, and left the bathroom before I was completely finished. I slunk off to the kitchen, where my mom and my Aunt J asked me what happened. I pitifully told them I had been kicked off the toilet so Uncle T could dry his hair (neglecting, of course, the part about claim jumping the bathroom). My mom and aunt got on my uncle's case, and after my uncle's hair was perfect (as the song goes), I returned to finish my business.
However, my Aunt J was not done. She always hated Zevon's Excitable Boy, possibly because my uncle liked it. Under the guise of enacting revenge for me, she took the record needle on my uncle's player and scratched poor Zevon's record like it had been mauled by a werewolf. And within the next decade, my uncle's hair began to recede like it was retreating to Dunkirk. So there really is karma in the universe.
9) "My Valuable Hunting Knife," Guided by Voices. I want to start a new life, with my valuable hunting knife singer Robert Pollard. Well, if that's the case, the U.P. is the place to be. I explained the difference between Iowa and the U.P. to one of my Iowa friends recently. I said if you left Iowa City, you were in the country. If you left Marquette, you were in the wilderness. Generally speaking, things don't eat you in the country, but they might in the wilderness. That's why the hunting knife is so valuable.
10) "Prison Girls," Neko Case. Hmm, Neko Case in a women's prison...could you all give me a moment? Actually, I recently saw one of those prison documentaries on life in a women's prison, which is not at all like what I pictured. Thanks for nothing, Discovery Channel.
11) "Love Me Like a Reptile," Motörhead. I'm not sure, but I think the title of this song is double-entendre about charming a snake. The English are great at coming up with that kind of stuff. And how can a weekend not be awesome when Lemmy leads you into it?
Have a great one.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: What advice did we give graduates during our commencement addresses?
10) I look out here and see young, energetic faces ready to take the world by storm. Well, if any of you even think about trying to take my job, I'll fucking shank you.
9) Cherish this time you'll spend living at home until the economy improves.
8) Many of you leave college perhaps with more questions than answers, wondering what will happen when you walk across this stage and depart this campus. Except those of you in ROTC, your orders are taped to your diplomas.
7) For the love of God, use spell check.
6) Once you get out to the "real world," there will be times when you're confronted with things that shake the very foundations of your beliefs: The theory of evolution. The geological age of the Earth. Female orgasm. But in those dark times, remember this: you have something stronger than facts. You have an education from Bob Jones University.
5) No one will ever give a crap about your GPA.
4) College is a time to experiment, to ask questions, to shake up the authoritarian structure. As you enter the workforce, I highly recommend that you forget all of that nonsense.
3) The sad truth is, you would have more earning power and job prospects if you'd gone to trucking school.
2) Life is full of surprises. For instance, if you look under your mortarboard, you'll find your first student loan payment book.
1) When in doubt, go to graduate school.
9) Cherish this time you'll spend living at home until the economy improves.
8) Many of you leave college perhaps with more questions than answers, wondering what will happen when you walk across this stage and depart this campus. Except those of you in ROTC, your orders are taped to your diplomas.
7) For the love of God, use spell check.
6) Once you get out to the "real world," there will be times when you're confronted with things that shake the very foundations of your beliefs: The theory of evolution. The geological age of the Earth. Female orgasm. But in those dark times, remember this: you have something stronger than facts. You have an education from Bob Jones University.
5) No one will ever give a crap about your GPA.
4) College is a time to experiment, to ask questions, to shake up the authoritarian structure. As you enter the workforce, I highly recommend that you forget all of that nonsense.
3) The sad truth is, you would have more earning power and job prospects if you'd gone to trucking school.
2) Life is full of surprises. For instance, if you look under your mortarboard, you'll find your first student loan payment book.
1) When in doubt, go to graduate school.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
The Lovely Becky and I celebrated our 15th anniversary yesterday (which I think is the Plasma Anniversary). We had a very nice dinner out, splitting a bottle of wine for the first time in probably two years and eating a couple of amazing desserts we couldn't finish because they were as big as a newborn Libby.
Fifteen years is a long time. As TLB pointed out, we've beaten the seven-year itch twice. Last night, we played a little game where we listed our top five moments since being married (with Libby as the consensus number one). A couple of those greatest hits showed that we've beaten those itches because we're particularly good at scratching each other's backs.
As fun as that scratching is, what I love more than anything is making TLB laugh, and that's not easy when you've been with someone for a decade and a half, because TLB knows every bit in what she calls "The Act." Yesterday, in discussing how long we have been married, I made a joke to our babysitter Stacey about how TLB used to have a pool boy even though we didn't have a pool.
"The pool boy material is so old," TLB groaned.
She had a point. That is a well I go to often. "But Stacey's never heard that one," I said. "You know I don't do old material for you."
And yet, on any random night, we make each other laugh. I'm always looking for a way to make my wife crack up, expanding The Act with new material just for her. It's not a one-way street, either: TLB is really funny, even though she always says she is not funny. That's especially huge now that we spend five months of the year holed up in the Overlook Hotel during the winter.
The bottom line is, after all this time, we still love being with each other. We have plenty of times where we do our own things, and certainly a lot of our attention has been diverted into parenting. But at the end of the day, we're always happy for each other's company. I think that will keep us going for at least another 15.
1) "You May Be Right," Billy Joel. I bought Glass Houses because Alvin and the Chipmunks covered this on Chipmunk Punk. I hate to say it, but I kind of preferred the Chipmunk version.
2) "When I'm Thinking About You," The Sundays. A severely underrated band. This morning, TLB had The Today Show on, and Taylor Swift was playing. It was a pleasant but completely forgettable song, that generic female acousti-pop that seems tailor-made (zing!) for a montage of tweens Twittering about watching Taylor Swift. Anyway, it's a shame that's on TV while The Sundays are left to the bin of relative obscurity, because this song is gorgeous.
3) "Phantom of the Opera," Iron Maiden. God help me, but I love this. I hope I never stop loving music like this. It's goofy, headbanging fun that always makes me feel like a kid again. When I'm 85 and living in my retirement castle, I want to crank some Maiden and celebrate that it's Pudding Night.
4) "A History of Lovers," Iron&Wine/Calexico. The kind of song to play when on a road trip to California, when its sunny and warm but cool enough to roll the windows down instead of using the AC, smiling because there's nothing quite like traveling on the open road when the destination is the coast. The video here is of a slower solo performance that, while good, doesn't do justice to the song.
5) "Us and Them," Pink Floyd. You're getting sleepy...sleepy...hey, you weren't supposed to fall asleep!
6) "Midnight in a Perfect World," DJ Shadow. Hypnotic in a good way. I really like trip-hop like DJ Shadow because it takes all the things I enjoy in hip-hop—the beats, the creative sampling, the art of making something new out of something old. It's like hip-hop prog.
7) "Love the One You're With," Crosby, Stills, and Nash. Such a great song about settling for second best. I believe this is from the album, Looking for Mrs. Right Now. I think the version in the video is just the Stephen Stills version.
8) "The Greatest," Cat Power. I'm not terribly happy with the concept of cat power. We have three cats, and if they had their way, we'd all be living in a world where we lick ourselves, poop in boxes, and sleep 18 hours a day. Okay, so two out of three of those things sound awesome, but I'd miss reading in the bathroom and using a shower to clean myself instead of my tongue.
9) "Take a Chance on Me," ABBA. The Obama Administration should make a PSA about universal health care that's set to this song. They could intersperse it with photos of happy Swedes visiting their doctors, with a final caption, "Don't we deserve to be as happy as Sweden? Let's take a chance on universal health care." And then ABBA could appear to sing in perfect harmony, "Suck it, Lumbaugh!"
10) "Stay Free," The Clash. A simply smashing song about friendship, and one of the best Clash songs. It avoids being sappy by being specific, weaving a story of two friends who stick together through thick and thin. It takes real talent to be punk and be touching.
11) "Bodies," Smashing Pumpkins. I started going to the gym again recently, after a long, long layoff brought on by baby duty and a busy schedule. For some reason, I've been cranking a lot of Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie when I've been working out. I think it's because those albums are awesome background music. If I sit down and listen to the Pumpkins, the sameness of the songs and the whine of Billy Corrigan grind me down like being a rat in a cage despite all my rage. But give me 30 minutes of this fuzzy sturm und drang and I feel like I can run through a goddamned wall. So kudos to Billy Corrigan for making me feel super pumped up even when I'm puffing like a strangled whale and regretting every cheeseburger I've ever eaten.
Have a great weekend, and if you can't be with the one you love, remember to consider what he or she will think if they find out you loved the one you were with.
The Lovely Becky and I celebrated our 15th anniversary yesterday (which I think is the Plasma Anniversary). We had a very nice dinner out, splitting a bottle of wine for the first time in probably two years and eating a couple of amazing desserts we couldn't finish because they were as big as a newborn Libby.
Fifteen years is a long time. As TLB pointed out, we've beaten the seven-year itch twice. Last night, we played a little game where we listed our top five moments since being married (with Libby as the consensus number one). A couple of those greatest hits showed that we've beaten those itches because we're particularly good at scratching each other's backs.
As fun as that scratching is, what I love more than anything is making TLB laugh, and that's not easy when you've been with someone for a decade and a half, because TLB knows every bit in what she calls "The Act." Yesterday, in discussing how long we have been married, I made a joke to our babysitter Stacey about how TLB used to have a pool boy even though we didn't have a pool.
"The pool boy material is so old," TLB groaned.
She had a point. That is a well I go to often. "But Stacey's never heard that one," I said. "You know I don't do old material for you."
And yet, on any random night, we make each other laugh. I'm always looking for a way to make my wife crack up, expanding The Act with new material just for her. It's not a one-way street, either: TLB is really funny, even though she always says she is not funny. That's especially huge now that we spend five months of the year holed up in the Overlook Hotel during the winter.
The bottom line is, after all this time, we still love being with each other. We have plenty of times where we do our own things, and certainly a lot of our attention has been diverted into parenting. But at the end of the day, we're always happy for each other's company. I think that will keep us going for at least another 15.
1) "You May Be Right," Billy Joel. I bought Glass Houses because Alvin and the Chipmunks covered this on Chipmunk Punk. I hate to say it, but I kind of preferred the Chipmunk version.
2) "When I'm Thinking About You," The Sundays. A severely underrated band. This morning, TLB had The Today Show on, and Taylor Swift was playing. It was a pleasant but completely forgettable song, that generic female acousti-pop that seems tailor-made (zing!) for a montage of tweens Twittering about watching Taylor Swift. Anyway, it's a shame that's on TV while The Sundays are left to the bin of relative obscurity, because this song is gorgeous.
3) "Phantom of the Opera," Iron Maiden. God help me, but I love this. I hope I never stop loving music like this. It's goofy, headbanging fun that always makes me feel like a kid again. When I'm 85 and living in my retirement castle, I want to crank some Maiden and celebrate that it's Pudding Night.
4) "A History of Lovers," Iron&Wine/Calexico. The kind of song to play when on a road trip to California, when its sunny and warm but cool enough to roll the windows down instead of using the AC, smiling because there's nothing quite like traveling on the open road when the destination is the coast. The video here is of a slower solo performance that, while good, doesn't do justice to the song.
5) "Us and Them," Pink Floyd. You're getting sleepy...sleepy...hey, you weren't supposed to fall asleep!
6) "Midnight in a Perfect World," DJ Shadow. Hypnotic in a good way. I really like trip-hop like DJ Shadow because it takes all the things I enjoy in hip-hop—the beats, the creative sampling, the art of making something new out of something old. It's like hip-hop prog.
7) "Love the One You're With," Crosby, Stills, and Nash. Such a great song about settling for second best. I believe this is from the album, Looking for Mrs. Right Now. I think the version in the video is just the Stephen Stills version.
8) "The Greatest," Cat Power. I'm not terribly happy with the concept of cat power. We have three cats, and if they had their way, we'd all be living in a world where we lick ourselves, poop in boxes, and sleep 18 hours a day. Okay, so two out of three of those things sound awesome, but I'd miss reading in the bathroom and using a shower to clean myself instead of my tongue.
9) "Take a Chance on Me," ABBA. The Obama Administration should make a PSA about universal health care that's set to this song. They could intersperse it with photos of happy Swedes visiting their doctors, with a final caption, "Don't we deserve to be as happy as Sweden? Let's take a chance on universal health care." And then ABBA could appear to sing in perfect harmony, "Suck it, Lumbaugh!"
10) "Stay Free," The Clash. A simply smashing song about friendship, and one of the best Clash songs. It avoids being sappy by being specific, weaving a story of two friends who stick together through thick and thin. It takes real talent to be punk and be touching.
11) "Bodies," Smashing Pumpkins. I started going to the gym again recently, after a long, long layoff brought on by baby duty and a busy schedule. For some reason, I've been cranking a lot of Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie when I've been working out. I think it's because those albums are awesome background music. If I sit down and listen to the Pumpkins, the sameness of the songs and the whine of Billy Corrigan grind me down like being a rat in a cage despite all my rage. But give me 30 minutes of this fuzzy sturm und drang and I feel like I can run through a goddamned wall. So kudos to Billy Corrigan for making me feel super pumped up even when I'm puffing like a strangled whale and regretting every cheeseburger I've ever eaten.
Have a great weekend, and if you can't be with the one you love, remember to consider what he or she will think if they find out you loved the one you were with.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we planning to deter North Korea's weapons programs?
10) Posting a strongly-worded tweet from twitter.com/unsecuritycouncil57.
9) Sending Joe Biden for direct negotiations so he can talk them to death.
8) Telling Kim Il-Jong if he stops testing, he can be in Obama's Five.
7) Broadcasting North Korean premiere of Wargames so they understand that in nuclear war, there are no winners.
6) Parachuting Jack Bauer to Pyongyang and giving him a day to take care of it.
5) Calling China and telling them, "Hey, you know what North Korea said? That you don't have the stones to launch preemptive strikes against their suspected nuclear sites. And that the way to tell Chinese women apart from Chinese men is that the men have smaller clitorises. What's that? Sure, we can e-mail you the coordinates."
4) Inviting them to settle the issue on the hottest new game show, Arms Deal or No Arms Deal.
3) Erecting a mile-high trampoline along the West Coast.
2) Warning North Korea if they don't stop testing nuclear weapons, Dick Cheney will kill every first-born North Korean male.
1) Honestly, we have no idea. Got any suggestions?
9) Sending Joe Biden for direct negotiations so he can talk them to death.
8) Telling Kim Il-Jong if he stops testing, he can be in Obama's Five.
7) Broadcasting North Korean premiere of Wargames so they understand that in nuclear war, there are no winners.
6) Parachuting Jack Bauer to Pyongyang and giving him a day to take care of it.
5) Calling China and telling them, "Hey, you know what North Korea said? That you don't have the stones to launch preemptive strikes against their suspected nuclear sites. And that the way to tell Chinese women apart from Chinese men is that the men have smaller clitorises. What's that? Sure, we can e-mail you the coordinates."
4) Inviting them to settle the issue on the hottest new game show, Arms Deal or No Arms Deal.
3) Erecting a mile-high trampoline along the West Coast.
2) Warning North Korea if they don't stop testing nuclear weapons, Dick Cheney will kill every first-born North Korean male.
1) Honestly, we have no idea. Got any suggestions?
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
Yesterday The Lovely Becky and I went to the movies for the first time in a year. In fact, over the last year, we've been out alone only a handful of times. We decided it was time to start having some date nights.
We haven't really missed going out that much. We had plenty of time to have date nights during the decade we tried to have a kid, so we gladly traded those nights out for a chance to stay home and soak in our parenthood.
As much fun as that has been, we realized recently that we needed to take some time for ourselves. TLB and I have always been great talkers—even after nearly 15 years of marriage, we love talking with each other. Our best conversations have always been when we go out to eat, maybe because we avoid the easy distractions of TV, videogames, online poker, work, and now parenting. We get to focus on each other and really pay attention.
We also realized that it had been a year since we had been to the movies. We saw Iron Man right before TLB had Libby, so long ago that Robert Downey Jr. could have gone through three rehab stints. One of our babysitters offered to watch Libby one night a week, so we decided to inaugurate our first night back in Socialville with dinner and a movie.
A big night out deserves a big movie, so we saw Star Trek (set phasers on fun!). But what happened during our first foray into the movies since we had a kid? Someone brought their kids to our movie. A couple behind us had two children who were too young and too disinterested to sit through two hours of a Star Trek re-imagining. I have been through this before, and I will never understand why someone thinks its a good idea to bring kids to movies that aren't for kids. If I wanted to miss crucial moments of dialog because of a child distracting me, I could stay at home.
Luckily, the clue phone rang a few times and the parents took the kids outside when they really started acting up, so it didn't cramp our enjoyment too much and I didn't have to pull an Opposite Costanza in the theater. We were able to catch all of the little nerdy in-jokes J.J. Abrams packed into the movie, and we returned home satisfied that we had gotten out and gotten plugged back into to movie-going society.
Hopefully next time, everyone's kids will be at home.
1) "Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black)," Neil Young and Crazy Horse. I put It's better to burn out than to fade away right after Hope I die before I get old on my list of all-time great rock lines. The funny thing is that the authors of both of those lines have lived long after many of their contemporaries lived out those lyrics.
2) "The Have Nots," X. The thing that the Republican Party forgot when they ran against "socialism" last year is that the American people are only against government intervention when they don't need it. When Bear Stearns went down, even the biggest lassiez faire assholes who thought welfare queens should eat cake stuck their hands out for handouts. While I certainly wish the economy had not taken that terrible turn, it was pretty amusing to see how quickly Wall Street crapped itself and turned to Washington for a new pair of pants.
3) "Tangerine," Led Zeppelin. The tender ying to the juicy yang of "The Lemon Song." Who knew you could say so much with fruit?
4) "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen. One of those artists I respect more than I enjoy. I appreciate him with my head, but for some reason most of his music has never hit me on an emotional level. I have to give him kudos for the way he looks: I hope I look that good when I'm 60 and sliding around a Super Bowl halftime stage.
5) "Memento," Public Property. What's more improbable than Iowa leading the way on legalizing gay marriage? Iowa producing a pretty damn good reggae band.
6) "Titanium Exposé," Sonic Youth. I've been told that the key to baking cookies is to use the right amount of butter: that the butter is what holds all the ingredients together. Kim Gordon is the butter in the cookie of Sonic Youth. Her bass keeps all the noise together, anchoring it to the song so that it doesn't dissolve into a help of melted mush.
7) "Stick It Out," Rush. For a nerdy band, they fared quite well in the Three Bulls Dirty-Sounding Song Title Awards, with this song placing along with "In The End" and my favorite, "Beneath, Between, and Behind." The irony is that, as much as I love Rush, I could never, ever have sex to Rush. Even if The Lovely Becky suffered some kind of pod-person personality change where she suddenly liked Rush, I would probably start air drumming and ruin the moment. Because few things kill the female libido faster than air drumming (except maybe playing Rock Band drums).
8) "These Days," Joy Division. Seriously creepy synths in the background, burbling like ghostly whispers. I'm relieved when the guitar comes in and chases them away with a six-string exorcism.
9) "Dragonfly Pie," Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks. This pie needs more butter. Or maybe less. Either way, it's a bit of a mess.
10) "Sultans of Swing," Dire Straits. One of the most perfect integrations of lead guitar and vocals ever. It's like there are two singers, except one of them is made of wood. You could say the same thing about Celine Dion, but here I mean it as a complement.
11) "Rebel Rebel," David Bowie. Hot tramp, I love you so. Especially when you show me your perfect, bouncy riffs.
Have a great Memorial Day weekend. And if you hear someone playing Freedom Rock, tell 'em to turn it up!
Yesterday The Lovely Becky and I went to the movies for the first time in a year. In fact, over the last year, we've been out alone only a handful of times. We decided it was time to start having some date nights.
We haven't really missed going out that much. We had plenty of time to have date nights during the decade we tried to have a kid, so we gladly traded those nights out for a chance to stay home and soak in our parenthood.
As much fun as that has been, we realized recently that we needed to take some time for ourselves. TLB and I have always been great talkers—even after nearly 15 years of marriage, we love talking with each other. Our best conversations have always been when we go out to eat, maybe because we avoid the easy distractions of TV, videogames, online poker, work, and now parenting. We get to focus on each other and really pay attention.
We also realized that it had been a year since we had been to the movies. We saw Iron Man right before TLB had Libby, so long ago that Robert Downey Jr. could have gone through three rehab stints. One of our babysitters offered to watch Libby one night a week, so we decided to inaugurate our first night back in Socialville with dinner and a movie.
A big night out deserves a big movie, so we saw Star Trek (set phasers on fun!). But what happened during our first foray into the movies since we had a kid? Someone brought their kids to our movie. A couple behind us had two children who were too young and too disinterested to sit through two hours of a Star Trek re-imagining. I have been through this before, and I will never understand why someone thinks its a good idea to bring kids to movies that aren't for kids. If I wanted to miss crucial moments of dialog because of a child distracting me, I could stay at home.
Luckily, the clue phone rang a few times and the parents took the kids outside when they really started acting up, so it didn't cramp our enjoyment too much and I didn't have to pull an Opposite Costanza in the theater. We were able to catch all of the little nerdy in-jokes J.J. Abrams packed into the movie, and we returned home satisfied that we had gotten out and gotten plugged back into to movie-going society.
Hopefully next time, everyone's kids will be at home.
1) "Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black)," Neil Young and Crazy Horse. I put It's better to burn out than to fade away right after Hope I die before I get old on my list of all-time great rock lines. The funny thing is that the authors of both of those lines have lived long after many of their contemporaries lived out those lyrics.
2) "The Have Nots," X. The thing that the Republican Party forgot when they ran against "socialism" last year is that the American people are only against government intervention when they don't need it. When Bear Stearns went down, even the biggest lassiez faire assholes who thought welfare queens should eat cake stuck their hands out for handouts. While I certainly wish the economy had not taken that terrible turn, it was pretty amusing to see how quickly Wall Street crapped itself and turned to Washington for a new pair of pants.
3) "Tangerine," Led Zeppelin. The tender ying to the juicy yang of "The Lemon Song." Who knew you could say so much with fruit?
4) "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen. One of those artists I respect more than I enjoy. I appreciate him with my head, but for some reason most of his music has never hit me on an emotional level. I have to give him kudos for the way he looks: I hope I look that good when I'm 60 and sliding around a Super Bowl halftime stage.
5) "Memento," Public Property. What's more improbable than Iowa leading the way on legalizing gay marriage? Iowa producing a pretty damn good reggae band.
6) "Titanium Exposé," Sonic Youth. I've been told that the key to baking cookies is to use the right amount of butter: that the butter is what holds all the ingredients together. Kim Gordon is the butter in the cookie of Sonic Youth. Her bass keeps all the noise together, anchoring it to the song so that it doesn't dissolve into a help of melted mush.
7) "Stick It Out," Rush. For a nerdy band, they fared quite well in the Three Bulls Dirty-Sounding Song Title Awards, with this song placing along with "In The End" and my favorite, "Beneath, Between, and Behind." The irony is that, as much as I love Rush, I could never, ever have sex to Rush. Even if The Lovely Becky suffered some kind of pod-person personality change where she suddenly liked Rush, I would probably start air drumming and ruin the moment. Because few things kill the female libido faster than air drumming (except maybe playing Rock Band drums).
8) "These Days," Joy Division. Seriously creepy synths in the background, burbling like ghostly whispers. I'm relieved when the guitar comes in and chases them away with a six-string exorcism.
9) "Dragonfly Pie," Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks. This pie needs more butter. Or maybe less. Either way, it's a bit of a mess.
10) "Sultans of Swing," Dire Straits. One of the most perfect integrations of lead guitar and vocals ever. It's like there are two singers, except one of them is made of wood. You could say the same thing about Celine Dion, but here I mean it as a complement.
11) "Rebel Rebel," David Bowie. Hot tramp, I love you so. Especially when you show me your perfect, bouncy riffs.
Have a great Memorial Day weekend. And if you hear someone playing Freedom Rock, tell 'em to turn it up!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we planning to improve vehicle emissions and fuel economy?
10) Drivers receiving fellatio must use cruise control to prevent fuel-wasting surges of acceleration.
9) Commissioning The Eagles to write a new PSA, "Life in the Carpool Lane."
8) All automotive air-conditioning will return to it's lowered-window-based roots.
7) Dominos will now promise to deliver pizzas within three hours in order to save gas.
6) Motorists will receive tax credits by planting trees in their trunks.
5) New talking cars will berate us into getting off our goddamned fat asses and walking to the corner store instead of driving two blocks like a bunch of lazy fucks.
4) Funding fuel efficiency research by requiring men with small penises to pay an Overcompensation Tax when purchasing large trucks and SUVs.
3) Anyone killing themselves with car exhaust can purchase pre-suicide carbon credits online.
2) Developing the new Ford Flintstone, the world's first foot-powered car.
1) Paying a lot more for that environmentally-friendly muffler.
9) Commissioning The Eagles to write a new PSA, "Life in the Carpool Lane."
8) All automotive air-conditioning will return to it's lowered-window-based roots.
7) Dominos will now promise to deliver pizzas within three hours in order to save gas.
6) Motorists will receive tax credits by planting trees in their trunks.
5) New talking cars will berate us into getting off our goddamned fat asses and walking to the corner store instead of driving two blocks like a bunch of lazy fucks.
4) Funding fuel efficiency research by requiring men with small penises to pay an Overcompensation Tax when purchasing large trucks and SUVs.
3) Anyone killing themselves with car exhaust can purchase pre-suicide carbon credits online.
2) Developing the new Ford Flintstone, the world's first foot-powered car.
1) Paying a lot more for that environmentally-friendly muffler.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Hugging a Zombie
Due to occult forces beyond my control, I was unable to show a certain zombie some love on Friday. However, I would be remiss if I did not thank Zombie Rotten McDonald (born Billy Pilgrim) for the endless amount of entertainment he has provided on his blog and in the comments section of many others. He checks grammar with the ferocity of an East German border guard asking for papers, refuses to apologize for his love of the band Rush, and was generous enough to let an Adorable Girlfriend crash at his place when she had no blogwhere to go (although I suspect he's on the couch--by choice, of course).
He's been a true blog friend and even though we've never met, I know he's a good guy. Even if he does eat brains. And I'll honor him in a way I think he'll appreciate.
He's been a true blog friend and even though we've never met, I know he's a good guy. Even if he does eat brains. And I'll honor him in a way I think he'll appreciate.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: What do we regret saying during sex?
10) Are you painting a fence down there?
9) I've always wanted to try a little one.
8) You be Condi and I'll be Dubyah.
7) Why don't you take off your sweater? Oh, you did.
6) Do you smell that?
5) Give it to me, Javier! I mean, Brando.
4) Just between you and me, I'm a Senator.
3) Oh, Mommy!
2) Is it in?
1) Do you mind if I use your name when I write about this on my blog?
9) I've always wanted to try a little one.
8) You be Condi and I'll be Dubyah.
7) Why don't you take off your sweater? Oh, you did.
6) Do you smell that?
5) Give it to me, Javier! I mean, Brando.
4) Just between you and me, I'm a Senator.
3) Oh, Mommy!
2) Is it in?
1) Do you mind if I use your name when I write about this on my blog?
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we leaving the Republican party?
10) Found walking upright and breathing through nose so refreshing, we decided to do it permanently.
9) "Supermajority" sounds so bitchin'.
8) Constant whining about religious persecution got on our last goddamned nerve.
7) Tired of consoling drunk, sobbing Newt Gingrich at 3am about the future of the Republican party.
6) Was only using conservatism for the tax cuts.
5) Wanted to join a party that would support our fetish for having a dominatrix bash our groin with a gavel while reading dirty-sounding words from Robert's Rules of Order.
4) Couldn't shake the feeling we were being watched when using the GOP men's room.
3) Three words: Palin in 2012.
2) Obama is just so dreamy.
1) Have you listened to these guys?
9) "Supermajority" sounds so bitchin'.
8) Constant whining about religious persecution got on our last goddamned nerve.
7) Tired of consoling drunk, sobbing Newt Gingrich at 3am about the future of the Republican party.
6) Was only using conservatism for the tax cuts.
5) Wanted to join a party that would support our fetish for having a dominatrix bash our groin with a gavel while reading dirty-sounding words from Robert's Rules of Order.
4) Couldn't shake the feeling we were being watched when using the GOP men's room.
3) Three words: Palin in 2012.
2) Obama is just so dreamy.
1) Have you listened to these guys?
Friday, May 01, 2009
Friday Random 11
Oh my God, Danny Gans is dead!
I'm going to have to pour a little on the floor in his honor this weekend. Maybe he really was sick when he called in.
1) "I Love NYC," Andrew W.K. I bought this CD thinking it was an ironic stab of binge-and-purge party rock. But my sensors detected no trace of irony, and no music should be this stupid on purpose. However, it also has the infectious catchiness that all great terrible songs have, so it will be in my head indefinitely.
2) "Your Generation," Generation X. The second-best thing Billy Idol ever did after "Dancing With Myself." It'd be the best if it was about 30 seconds shorter—it's just a little flabby for first-wave punk, and nobody wants to see a sweaty guy who's about 20 pounds too heavy for the cut-off Damned shirt he's wearing.
3) "I'm Happy Just to Dance With You," The Beatles. See, here's how you can write a song about not taking your clothes off and having a good time. It's not telling you not to do something, but instead saying that the longing is so great, any chance for contact will be greatly appreciated. Such a fine line between clever and stupid.
4) "Bitter Sweet," Roxy Music. Starts out in melancholy Marlene Dietrich "Ja, Ich bin so miserable" fashion, before making a left turn at Düsseldorf and marching for a bit.
5) "Sidewalk Surfin' Girl," The Queers. The Ramones in many ways were simply playing the Beach Boys at warp speed, but this is much closer to a mash-up of 70s punk and Brian Wilson.
6) "Life's a Bitch," Nas. Life's a bitch, then you die. Unless you get to make rap records singing about that topic and the records go platinum. But with a beat this uber-groovy, he could be singing about Betty Crocker recipes and I would still dig it.
7) "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker," The Ramones. They had moments like this where they managed to sound like an AM radio hit without losing their essence. A neat trick for a band that previously sang about sniffing glue and beating annoying kids with baseball bats.
8) "Moonshiner," Uncle Tupelo. One of the things that great bands do is make their songs feel lived in. They did for this what Zeppelin did for "Gallows Pole": take a traditional folk song and make it feel not only like theirs, but feel like it comes from experience, even if it doesn't. Zowie Slot Mystery Bonus: Live footage is from The Blue Note in Columbia, MO, where my lovely wife saw them.
9) "Mamma Mia," ABBA. This will erase Andrew W.K. from my head. I've never been quite able to hate them, although I've tried, so I surrender to their sparkly, bearded, tastefully-assembled splendor.
10) "Our Love Will Last Forever and Ever," The Mr. T Experience. I recently finished reading Larry Doyle's I Love You Beth Cooper, which was essentially Superbad without the pictures of cocks or the cops. It was also clearly written by an older guy trying to capture the zeitgeist of high school, without trying to reveal that the writer knows what zeitgeist is. To Mr. Doyle's credit, his book is as funny as it is completely unoriginal, which is fine in my book). And speaking as someone who has attempted and failed miserably to write a high school novel, those books are really fucking hard to pull off without seeming like a fake or a hack. Which is why I have always been impressed by The Mr. T Experience. Over and over again, singer Frank Portman manages to capture perfectly the hormone-fueled angst of teenagers long after his teens had passed. That's also why I have yet to crack open Portman's high school novel King Dork. I'm worried he won't be able to top in 300 pages what he's usually accomplished in three minutes or less.
11) "Black Hole Sun," Soundgarden. For all their Louder Than Love loudness—they were touted as a grunge reincarnation of the mighty Zeppelin at one point—they hit two of their highest marks when they slowed it and toned it down for this song and "Fell on Black Days."It just goes to show that success takes many strange forms, like starting out your life in baseball's minor leagues and winding up as the Vegas Entertainer of the Year by doing impressions.
R.I.P., Danny Gans. I never saw your act, but you still managed to entertain me.
I'm going to have to pour a little on the floor in his honor this weekend. Maybe he really was sick when he called in.
1) "I Love NYC," Andrew W.K. I bought this CD thinking it was an ironic stab of binge-and-purge party rock. But my sensors detected no trace of irony, and no music should be this stupid on purpose. However, it also has the infectious catchiness that all great terrible songs have, so it will be in my head indefinitely.
2) "Your Generation," Generation X. The second-best thing Billy Idol ever did after "Dancing With Myself." It'd be the best if it was about 30 seconds shorter—it's just a little flabby for first-wave punk, and nobody wants to see a sweaty guy who's about 20 pounds too heavy for the cut-off Damned shirt he's wearing.
3) "I'm Happy Just to Dance With You," The Beatles. See, here's how you can write a song about not taking your clothes off and having a good time. It's not telling you not to do something, but instead saying that the longing is so great, any chance for contact will be greatly appreciated. Such a fine line between clever and stupid.
4) "Bitter Sweet," Roxy Music. Starts out in melancholy Marlene Dietrich "Ja, Ich bin so miserable" fashion, before making a left turn at Düsseldorf and marching for a bit.
5) "Sidewalk Surfin' Girl," The Queers. The Ramones in many ways were simply playing the Beach Boys at warp speed, but this is much closer to a mash-up of 70s punk and Brian Wilson.
6) "Life's a Bitch," Nas. Life's a bitch, then you die. Unless you get to make rap records singing about that topic and the records go platinum. But with a beat this uber-groovy, he could be singing about Betty Crocker recipes and I would still dig it.
7) "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker," The Ramones. They had moments like this where they managed to sound like an AM radio hit without losing their essence. A neat trick for a band that previously sang about sniffing glue and beating annoying kids with baseball bats.
8) "Moonshiner," Uncle Tupelo. One of the things that great bands do is make their songs feel lived in. They did for this what Zeppelin did for "Gallows Pole": take a traditional folk song and make it feel not only like theirs, but feel like it comes from experience, even if it doesn't. Zowie Slot Mystery Bonus: Live footage is from The Blue Note in Columbia, MO, where my lovely wife saw them.
9) "Mamma Mia," ABBA. This will erase Andrew W.K. from my head. I've never been quite able to hate them, although I've tried, so I surrender to their sparkly, bearded, tastefully-assembled splendor.
10) "Our Love Will Last Forever and Ever," The Mr. T Experience. I recently finished reading Larry Doyle's I Love You Beth Cooper, which was essentially Superbad without the pictures of cocks or the cops. It was also clearly written by an older guy trying to capture the zeitgeist of high school, without trying to reveal that the writer knows what zeitgeist is. To Mr. Doyle's credit, his book is as funny as it is completely unoriginal, which is fine in my book). And speaking as someone who has attempted and failed miserably to write a high school novel, those books are really fucking hard to pull off without seeming like a fake or a hack. Which is why I have always been impressed by The Mr. T Experience. Over and over again, singer Frank Portman manages to capture perfectly the hormone-fueled angst of teenagers long after his teens had passed. That's also why I have yet to crack open Portman's high school novel King Dork. I'm worried he won't be able to top in 300 pages what he's usually accomplished in three minutes or less.
11) "Black Hole Sun," Soundgarden. For all their Louder Than Love loudness—they were touted as a grunge reincarnation of the mighty Zeppelin at one point—they hit two of their highest marks when they slowed it and toned it down for this song and "Fell on Black Days."It just goes to show that success takes many strange forms, like starting out your life in baseball's minor leagues and winding up as the Vegas Entertainer of the Year by doing impressions.
R.I.P., Danny Gans. I never saw your act, but you still managed to entertain me.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we avoiding the swine flu?
10) Using a dental dam when eating pork.
9) Keeping out harmful air by covering head with a plastic bag.
8) Appeasing our angry gods by sacrificing Madonna, like a virgin.
7) Calling in "pre-sick" to work.
6) Cleaning up this pig sty because Mom said we'd definitely get swine flu if we didn't.
5) Instead of saying, "bless you" when someone sneezes, pointing at them and screaming "Unclean!" until the authorities quarantine them.
4) Creating anti-germ cocoon out of duct tape and leftover bubble wrap.
3) Staying away from Mexico until it returns to a safer state of cartel-fueled violence.
2) Asking President Obama to lay hands on us.
1) Freaking out so badly that we die of a heart attack before we get sick.
9) Keeping out harmful air by covering head with a plastic bag.
8) Appeasing our angry gods by sacrificing Madonna, like a virgin.
7) Calling in "pre-sick" to work.
6) Cleaning up this pig sty because Mom said we'd definitely get swine flu if we didn't.
5) Instead of saying, "bless you" when someone sneezes, pointing at them and screaming "Unclean!" until the authorities quarantine them.
4) Creating anti-germ cocoon out of duct tape and leftover bubble wrap.
3) Staying away from Mexico until it returns to a safer state of cartel-fueled violence.
2) Asking President Obama to lay hands on us.
1) Freaking out so badly that we die of a heart attack before we get sick.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday Random 11
The Lovely Becky and I had a recent conversation about what I considered to be the worst song of all time (a song which we had heard at the end of Zac and Miri Make a Porno, the first Kevin Smith movie that seemed like a real movie). Being someone who is obsessed with music and with lists in a Hi Fidelity sense, the Worst Songs of All Time list is one I take very serious. And very much like the character of Rob, I have some rules.
1) I never consider novelty songs as the worst songs of all time. If a song's intention is to annoy me, and it annoys me, it's a success, and something can't be the worst if it's a success. This also applies to antagonistic arty crap like Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music or anything by Laurie Anderson. You wanted to be unlistenable and you are unlistenable. Mission accomplished.
2)It has to be something done by a musician. The cast of Star Trek certainly could be brought before the Hague for musical war crimes, but even if Shatner is serious, Shatner isn't a serious musician. Likewise you could populate an entire list of terrible songs with selections from Bruce Willis or Don Johnson (warning: clip contains Dweezil), but that would be like populating a list of bad acting jobs with all of Prince's movies. Vanity projects don't count. I'm talking about performers who are trying to make a living from music.
3) The song has to have staying power. Most terrible music, however, goes unnoticed because it is terrible in a pedestrian sense. It takes a certain special quality for a bad song to become a legendary bad song. It's the difference between a stormtrooper and Darth Vader.
4) I exclude songs that I find awful but that I know are awful mostly to just me. For example, I hate Deep Purple, who (in my humble opinion) manage to combine the worst musical wankery with the IQ of a Hell's Angel coming down from a crank bender. But they have a legitimate place in rock history. It's not them, it's me.
There are certainly many songs to choose that fit these criteria. The maudlin ("Every Rose Has Its Thorn"). The lunkheaded ("I Can't Drive 55"). The saccharine ("Break My Stride" or anything by the Starland Vocal Band). Or Christian rock that's so bad, it's blasphemous (see Stryper or any modern Christian rock, which seems to think Jesus is a melodramatic 12-year-old who likes syrupy power ballads).
My runners-up would be "Ice Ice Baby" and "We Built This City." True abominations and a pair of songs that make deafness seem like a blessing.
However, the Brando Academy of Popular Culture and Phallus-Based Humor gives the award of Worst Song Ever to...Jermaine Stewart, "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off."
Why did the Academy select this song?
The problem with "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" is that it's a public service announcement set to dance music. It makes no compelling argument for keeping one's clothes on, because let's face it, we don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time, but we often have more fun when we do. (See also: We don't have to drink to have good time, but we have more fun when we do). Scare me with some clever rhymes about STDs, offer a catchy dry-humping alternative, do something other than croon at me about cherry wine. I've seen chastity pledges that are more clever, and this song is so straightlaced, you could back it with a B-side of George Will rapping about not wearing blue jeans and not make it less cool.
So there you have it, my official criteria for music I hate. I'd love to hear some counterarguments in the comments. Now, let's play some (hopefully) good music.
1) "Epic," Faith No More. One of the few rap-metal songs that does not suck.
2) "Seen Your Video," The Replacements. Anti-MTV rants seem even more quaint than the idea of MTV playing videos.
3) "Radio Song," R.E.M. The one song from Out of Time that I don't think has aged well. Like "Seen Your Video," anti-radio diatribes seem so outdated. Yeah, radio still sucks, but these days, there are so many ways to experience music that it's not as much of an issue.
4) "Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Rebuild! Restore! Reconsider!)," Sufjan Stevens. This seems appropriate considering the 0-16 Detroit Lions are picking first in the NFL draft tomorrow and we've had our 24th consecutive week of hearing that the American auto industry may crash and burn like a Ford Pinto. There's a great off-kilter beat to this song that seamlessly flows into a funky breakdown in the middle.
5) "Hover," Rhett Miller. A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, a whole lotta good.
6) "Is She Really Going Out With Him," Joe Jackson. One of the more contemptuous love songs that manages to stay cool by adding a dash of self-loathing.
7) "Things Behind the Sun," Nick Drake. Pink Moon may be the most intimate album ever made. I always feel like Nick Drake is write there in the room, playing his guitar and barely summoning the breath to sing his lyrics. This album wasn't created, it was captured.
8) "Keep Hope Alive," The Crystal Method. The arena rock of dance music, which is probably why I like this so much. Huge drum beats that hit you like offensive linemen. Synthesizer leads played like guitar riffs. And just repetitive enough to groove without boring me like most dance music does.
9) "True Believer," Superdrag. Now here's some Christian music that I can rock to. They even work "transfiguration" into the lyrics—that takes some serious effort.
10) "Santa Monica," Everclear. One of my favorite songs from the 90s. It's not terribly original, sure: the soft-to-loud structure is paint-by-the-alternative-rock numbers. They get around that by turning the guitars up and playing hard enough that I don't care.
11) "Returning to the Fold," The Thermals. When I heard this bit of lapsed-Catholic-inspired indie rock, I thought maybe I'd started a band that I didn't know about, because this is the kind of song I'd write. But I still have faith, if I ever had faith. That about sums it up for me.
Have a good time this weekend, regardless of the state of your clothes.
1) I never consider novelty songs as the worst songs of all time. If a song's intention is to annoy me, and it annoys me, it's a success, and something can't be the worst if it's a success. This also applies to antagonistic arty crap like Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music or anything by Laurie Anderson. You wanted to be unlistenable and you are unlistenable. Mission accomplished.
2)It has to be something done by a musician. The cast of Star Trek certainly could be brought before the Hague for musical war crimes, but even if Shatner is serious, Shatner isn't a serious musician. Likewise you could populate an entire list of terrible songs with selections from Bruce Willis or Don Johnson (warning: clip contains Dweezil), but that would be like populating a list of bad acting jobs with all of Prince's movies. Vanity projects don't count. I'm talking about performers who are trying to make a living from music.
3) The song has to have staying power. Most terrible music, however, goes unnoticed because it is terrible in a pedestrian sense. It takes a certain special quality for a bad song to become a legendary bad song. It's the difference between a stormtrooper and Darth Vader.
4) I exclude songs that I find awful but that I know are awful mostly to just me. For example, I hate Deep Purple, who (in my humble opinion) manage to combine the worst musical wankery with the IQ of a Hell's Angel coming down from a crank bender. But they have a legitimate place in rock history. It's not them, it's me.
There are certainly many songs to choose that fit these criteria. The maudlin ("Every Rose Has Its Thorn"). The lunkheaded ("I Can't Drive 55"). The saccharine ("Break My Stride" or anything by the Starland Vocal Band). Or Christian rock that's so bad, it's blasphemous (see Stryper or any modern Christian rock, which seems to think Jesus is a melodramatic 12-year-old who likes syrupy power ballads).
My runners-up would be "Ice Ice Baby" and "We Built This City." True abominations and a pair of songs that make deafness seem like a blessing.
However, the Brando Academy of Popular Culture and Phallus-Based Humor gives the award of Worst Song Ever to...Jermaine Stewart, "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off."
Why did the Academy select this song?
- Musically, it exemplifies everything that is wrong with 80s music. I think the 80s get a bad shake because there was also a lot of great music made during that time. The worst of it, however, is really some of the worst shit ever recorded. Everything about the music here sounds like it was made on an assembly line: use the synth bass and drums for the frame, give it some synth horn wheels, and paint the whole thing with a fourth-rate Jackson 5 vocal. Oh, and don't forget to include the optional "Nah nah nah" backing vocal package.
- It's catchy as hell. I hate, hate, hate, hate this song. Yet the simple act of linking to it guarantees it will be in my head for a week. All the worst songs are catchy. They are computer viruses that Norton can't scrub from your brain.
- The final and most important element: the theme. We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time. That seemingly innocent line goes against everything I believe rock and roll has tried to achieve.
The problem with "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" is that it's a public service announcement set to dance music. It makes no compelling argument for keeping one's clothes on, because let's face it, we don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time, but we often have more fun when we do. (See also: We don't have to drink to have good time, but we have more fun when we do). Scare me with some clever rhymes about STDs, offer a catchy dry-humping alternative, do something other than croon at me about cherry wine. I've seen chastity pledges that are more clever, and this song is so straightlaced, you could back it with a B-side of George Will rapping about not wearing blue jeans and not make it less cool.
So there you have it, my official criteria for music I hate. I'd love to hear some counterarguments in the comments. Now, let's play some (hopefully) good music.
1) "Epic," Faith No More. One of the few rap-metal songs that does not suck.
2) "Seen Your Video," The Replacements. Anti-MTV rants seem even more quaint than the idea of MTV playing videos.
3) "Radio Song," R.E.M. The one song from Out of Time that I don't think has aged well. Like "Seen Your Video," anti-radio diatribes seem so outdated. Yeah, radio still sucks, but these days, there are so many ways to experience music that it's not as much of an issue.
4) "Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Rebuild! Restore! Reconsider!)," Sufjan Stevens. This seems appropriate considering the 0-16 Detroit Lions are picking first in the NFL draft tomorrow and we've had our 24th consecutive week of hearing that the American auto industry may crash and burn like a Ford Pinto. There's a great off-kilter beat to this song that seamlessly flows into a funky breakdown in the middle.
5) "Hover," Rhett Miller. A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, a whole lotta good.
6) "Is She Really Going Out With Him," Joe Jackson. One of the more contemptuous love songs that manages to stay cool by adding a dash of self-loathing.
7) "Things Behind the Sun," Nick Drake. Pink Moon may be the most intimate album ever made. I always feel like Nick Drake is write there in the room, playing his guitar and barely summoning the breath to sing his lyrics. This album wasn't created, it was captured.
8) "Keep Hope Alive," The Crystal Method. The arena rock of dance music, which is probably why I like this so much. Huge drum beats that hit you like offensive linemen. Synthesizer leads played like guitar riffs. And just repetitive enough to groove without boring me like most dance music does.
9) "True Believer," Superdrag. Now here's some Christian music that I can rock to. They even work "transfiguration" into the lyrics—that takes some serious effort.
10) "Santa Monica," Everclear. One of my favorite songs from the 90s. It's not terribly original, sure: the soft-to-loud structure is paint-by-the-alternative-rock numbers. They get around that by turning the guitars up and playing hard enough that I don't care.
11) "Returning to the Fold," The Thermals. When I heard this bit of lapsed-Catholic-inspired indie rock, I thought maybe I'd started a band that I didn't know about, because this is the kind of song I'd write. But I still have faith, if I ever had faith. That about sums it up for me.
Have a good time this weekend, regardless of the state of your clothes.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: What new interrogation procedures are we approving?
10) Arrange a visit from detainee's mother, who expresses how disappointed she is.
9) Ask, "What's wrong? Is something wrong?" over and over until they crack.
8) Strap detainees in chairs and force them to watch marathon sessions of America's Funniest Home Videos.
7) Eat all of their pet fish right before their eyes.
6) Force them to motorboat a hairy fat guy who just played pickup basketball. (AKA "the new waterboarding")
5) Put them on a new reality game show, So You Think You Can Withhold Vital Information?
4) Lock them in detention hall with four other misfit detainees until they understand that there is more to life than jihad.
3) Get in their faces and scream that they can have a part on 24 if they cooperate.
2) Play some Barry White, pour them a little wine, and make them gaze into President Obama's eyes. Go ahead, try to lie.
1) Tell them that none of the interrogators are putting their pants back on until they get the truth.
9) Ask, "What's wrong? Is something wrong?" over and over until they crack.
8) Strap detainees in chairs and force them to watch marathon sessions of America's Funniest Home Videos.
7) Eat all of their pet fish right before their eyes.
6) Force them to motorboat a hairy fat guy who just played pickup basketball. (AKA "the new waterboarding")
5) Put them on a new reality game show, So You Think You Can Withhold Vital Information?
4) Lock them in detention hall with four other misfit detainees until they understand that there is more to life than jihad.
3) Get in their faces and scream that they can have a part on 24 if they cooperate.
2) Play some Barry White, pour them a little wine, and make them gaze into President Obama's eyes. Go ahead, try to lie.
1) Tell them that none of the interrogators are putting their pants back on until they get the truth.
Friday, April 17, 2009
No Random 11 today, but a fashion diatribe about fashion diatribes
There is much to-doing at the worldwide headquarters of CJSD Enterprises, Ltd. today, so I have to let the list go today.
However, I invite you to see the concentrated stupidity that is George Will's diatribe on blue jeans. If you want to know why both the Republican Party and mainstream newspapers are bleeding rectally, this one column pretty much captures it all. The even better part is that Will, in talking about how jeans are a symbol of a laziness of appearance, essentially borrows most of a Wall Street Journal editorial against jeans by Daniel Akst. I guess George had to pad out his column long enough to get his check so he could head to Brooks Brothers.
The WSJ column is no better, dropping this doozy:
I suppose next week's columns will be about the Satanic influence of necking and comic books.
Have a good weekend, and remember to straighten those ascots and polish those monocles before you go out.
However, I invite you to see the concentrated stupidity that is George Will's diatribe on blue jeans. If you want to know why both the Republican Party and mainstream newspapers are bleeding rectally, this one column pretty much captures it all. The even better part is that Will, in talking about how jeans are a symbol of a laziness of appearance, essentially borrows most of a Wall Street Journal editorial against jeans by Daniel Akst. I guess George had to pad out his column long enough to get his check so he could head to Brooks Brothers.
The WSJ column is no better, dropping this doozy:
Despite its air of innocence, no fabric has ever been so insidiously effective at undermining national discipline.This, of course, ignores statistics showing that while our dress has gotten more casual, we still lead the world in worker productivity.
I suppose next week's columns will be about the Satanic influence of necking and comic books.
Have a good weekend, and remember to straighten those ascots and polish those monocles before you go out.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Conservative Teabaggers Descend on American Cities
Protestors vow to form "one giant Dick Armey"
Across the United States, thousands of Americans spilled into city streets to protest government spending of the Obama Administration. They are not just ordinary protestors, however. Instead, they have adopted a method of releasing their pent up frustration borrowed from the Founding Fathers: having a teabagging party.
Weary of endless government bailouts, the teabaggers warn that Obama is erecting a socialist welfare state. They believe that the government has no business inserting money into the free market, and that the market should decide which business come and go. "In short, what we teabaggers are saying is, 'Suck it up,'" says Richard Head, the organizer of TeabagAmerica.com, one of the many Internet sites devoted to teabagging.
That message grabbed the interest of conservatives around the country, and the Internet helped swell those ranks even more as many conservative teabaggers went online, eager to meet like-minded individuals. "I was just online one night, searching about teabagging," said Harry Peters of Seattle, Washington, "and after a few visits to other sites, I happened to click on a link about a teabagging party right here in Seattle."
The teabagging party Peters attended took place outside of a men's restroom near the Space Needle. A dozen men gathered around the entrance, with pairs of men occasionally ducking into the restroom to "get hot water" for their teabags. "It's disgusting what the government is ramming down our throats," said Mr. Peters as he waited for his turn. "We have to get off handouts and stop begging the government to fulfill our every need. People need to be more independent." Mr. Peters, who attended Washington State University on the G.I. Bill after serving in the U.S. Army, is a contract manager at the Boeing Company.
The desire to join in on this teabagging seemed universal among conservatives, regardless of age or geographic location. In Des Moines, Iowa, large numbers of teabaggers from rural areas surged into the capital, attracted by news of teabagging activities in the state capitol. "All Obama wants to do is just keep handing out free money to people," said Randy Johnson, dressed in vintage eighteenth century knee-high pants and silk stockings as he dipped his teabags into a cup. "Well, let me tell you, you can't have a democracy when you're ruled by welfare queens." Mr. Johnson is a farmer who sells most of his corn crop to ethanol processors.
While the rallies mostly focused on taxes, they turned to other issues that have gotten a rise out of conservatives. At the Des Moines rally, many talked about the state supreme court's decision to make same-sex marriages legal. "What kind of example does that set for our children, especially for young boys?" Mr. Johnson asked as he sipped his Chamomile tea from a cup that read, "I [heart symbol] Mike Huckabee."
"The idea of two men doing what Randy and I do in our most private moments...well, it gets me pretty hot and bothered," said Mary A. Johnson, Mr. Johnson's wife of 38 years. "Marriage is about family values, like raising children or baking pies or watching our favorite shows like Wife Swap, which Randy and I just love."
Mr. Johnson added, "The left is trying to get us to swallow this homosexual agenda, and I for one am going to spit it back in their faces."
At a rally Phoenix, Arizona, immigration was perhaps even more of a rallying cry than taxes. A group calling themselves "Ye Olde Teabaggers"—disguised as Native Americans like the original participants of the Boston Tea Party—addressed the crowd. "These immigrants come here to take our land, our food, and our livelihoods," said Robert Knobs, a Pittsburgh native who moved to Phoenix to take a job as a Wal-Mart manager. "They are destroying small-town America as we know it."
Initially, this anti-tax movement was relatively small and appeared to lack any real staying power. However, once the idea of teabagging was introduced, the movement grew very quickly and hardened into a political phenomenon. "The key to stimulating a grassroots political movement is you have to have some fun," said Glenn Beck, the conservative television commentator who is one of the most ardent proponents of teagbagging. "That's why we started with teabagging. It allows us to play around and have a little fun before we get down to business."
The rapid climax of the teabagging movement at these tea parties hints that this grassroots movement may have had a helping hand from prominent conservative groups. Specifically, FreedomWorks, an conservative political organization headed by former Congressman Dick Armey, is alleged to have pumped a large amount of liquid assets into the movement. While Mr. Armey downplayed his contribution, teabaggers at the Atlanta rally where Mr. Armey was to speak acknowledged the contributions of the former House Majority Leader. "Separately, we are but a bunch of little Dick Armeys, getting out the conservative message in little dribs and drabs," said Hugh J. Toole, the head of the Atlanta teabagging branch. "But together, we can come together as one giant Dick Armey and unleash a huge outpouring of conservatism all over America."
Likewise, many pundits at Fox News served as mouthpieces for the teabagging movement. "I love what teabagging is doing for conservatives," said television host Sean Hannity. "It tells you everything you need to know about us: that we're not just going to lie there and take it, but instead we're going to be aggressive and not stop until we get what we want."
Hannity also believes that the movement is here to stay. "All this teabagging isn't some giant tease for conservatives. We're going to keep pounding this message home."
At the end of a long day, many teabagging participants looked tired and exhausted, even if they glowed with the pleasure the events clearly gave them. "I feel great, but I'm ready to relax," said Mary A. Johnson after the Des Moines rally. "That's why my girlfriends and I are going to finish our day of teabagging with a group facial."
Ms. Johnson turned and hollered to her friends, "Come on girls, let's go to the spa. I just got my tax rebate!"
Across the United States, thousands of Americans spilled into city streets to protest government spending of the Obama Administration. They are not just ordinary protestors, however. Instead, they have adopted a method of releasing their pent up frustration borrowed from the Founding Fathers: having a teabagging party.
Weary of endless government bailouts, the teabaggers warn that Obama is erecting a socialist welfare state. They believe that the government has no business inserting money into the free market, and that the market should decide which business come and go. "In short, what we teabaggers are saying is, 'Suck it up,'" says Richard Head, the organizer of TeabagAmerica.com, one of the many Internet sites devoted to teabagging.
That message grabbed the interest of conservatives around the country, and the Internet helped swell those ranks even more as many conservative teabaggers went online, eager to meet like-minded individuals. "I was just online one night, searching about teabagging," said Harry Peters of Seattle, Washington, "and after a few visits to other sites, I happened to click on a link about a teabagging party right here in Seattle."
The teabagging party Peters attended took place outside of a men's restroom near the Space Needle. A dozen men gathered around the entrance, with pairs of men occasionally ducking into the restroom to "get hot water" for their teabags. "It's disgusting what the government is ramming down our throats," said Mr. Peters as he waited for his turn. "We have to get off handouts and stop begging the government to fulfill our every need. People need to be more independent." Mr. Peters, who attended Washington State University on the G.I. Bill after serving in the U.S. Army, is a contract manager at the Boeing Company.
The desire to join in on this teabagging seemed universal among conservatives, regardless of age or geographic location. In Des Moines, Iowa, large numbers of teabaggers from rural areas surged into the capital, attracted by news of teabagging activities in the state capitol. "All Obama wants to do is just keep handing out free money to people," said Randy Johnson, dressed in vintage eighteenth century knee-high pants and silk stockings as he dipped his teabags into a cup. "Well, let me tell you, you can't have a democracy when you're ruled by welfare queens." Mr. Johnson is a farmer who sells most of his corn crop to ethanol processors.
While the rallies mostly focused on taxes, they turned to other issues that have gotten a rise out of conservatives. At the Des Moines rally, many talked about the state supreme court's decision to make same-sex marriages legal. "What kind of example does that set for our children, especially for young boys?" Mr. Johnson asked as he sipped his Chamomile tea from a cup that read, "I [heart symbol] Mike Huckabee."
"The idea of two men doing what Randy and I do in our most private moments...well, it gets me pretty hot and bothered," said Mary A. Johnson, Mr. Johnson's wife of 38 years. "Marriage is about family values, like raising children or baking pies or watching our favorite shows like Wife Swap, which Randy and I just love."
Mr. Johnson added, "The left is trying to get us to swallow this homosexual agenda, and I for one am going to spit it back in their faces."
At a rally Phoenix, Arizona, immigration was perhaps even more of a rallying cry than taxes. A group calling themselves "Ye Olde Teabaggers"—disguised as Native Americans like the original participants of the Boston Tea Party—addressed the crowd. "These immigrants come here to take our land, our food, and our livelihoods," said Robert Knobs, a Pittsburgh native who moved to Phoenix to take a job as a Wal-Mart manager. "They are destroying small-town America as we know it."
Initially, this anti-tax movement was relatively small and appeared to lack any real staying power. However, once the idea of teabagging was introduced, the movement grew very quickly and hardened into a political phenomenon. "The key to stimulating a grassroots political movement is you have to have some fun," said Glenn Beck, the conservative television commentator who is one of the most ardent proponents of teagbagging. "That's why we started with teabagging. It allows us to play around and have a little fun before we get down to business."
The rapid climax of the teabagging movement at these tea parties hints that this grassroots movement may have had a helping hand from prominent conservative groups. Specifically, FreedomWorks, an conservative political organization headed by former Congressman Dick Armey, is alleged to have pumped a large amount of liquid assets into the movement. While Mr. Armey downplayed his contribution, teabaggers at the Atlanta rally where Mr. Armey was to speak acknowledged the contributions of the former House Majority Leader. "Separately, we are but a bunch of little Dick Armeys, getting out the conservative message in little dribs and drabs," said Hugh J. Toole, the head of the Atlanta teabagging branch. "But together, we can come together as one giant Dick Armey and unleash a huge outpouring of conservatism all over America."
Likewise, many pundits at Fox News served as mouthpieces for the teabagging movement. "I love what teabagging is doing for conservatives," said television host Sean Hannity. "It tells you everything you need to know about us: that we're not just going to lie there and take it, but instead we're going to be aggressive and not stop until we get what we want."
Hannity also believes that the movement is here to stay. "All this teabagging isn't some giant tease for conservatives. We're going to keep pounding this message home."
At the end of a long day, many teabagging participants looked tired and exhausted, even if they glowed with the pleasure the events clearly gave them. "I feel great, but I'm ready to relax," said Mary A. Johnson after the Des Moines rally. "That's why my girlfriends and I are going to finish our day of teabagging with a group facial."
Ms. Johnson turned and hollered to her friends, "Come on girls, let's go to the spa. I just got my tax rebate!"
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we reporting on our taxes?
10) Claiming guy in our man-sized safe as a dependent.
9) Writing off our 401k as a gambling loss.
8) Declaring our occupation as "the Lord's work" so all of our wages can be charitable contributions.
7) Categorizing our octuplets as interest-generating assets.
6) Taking a loss due to seepage on our organ farm.
5) Including a camera, cat, cheeseburger, and bucket on our list of work expenses.
4) Listing our residency as "couch."
3) Requesting bailout for our failed Soapbox Derby Hyrbid industry.
2) Reporting status as, "Married, filing fabulously!"
1) Adding our "spine transplant" under medical expenses. (Democratic Party only)
9) Writing off our 401k as a gambling loss.
8) Declaring our occupation as "the Lord's work" so all of our wages can be charitable contributions.
7) Categorizing our octuplets as interest-generating assets.
6) Taking a loss due to seepage on our organ farm.
5) Including a camera, cat, cheeseburger, and bucket on our list of work expenses.
4) Listing our residency as "couch."
3) Requesting bailout for our failed Soapbox Derby Hyrbid industry.
2) Reporting status as, "Married, filing fabulously!"
1) Adding our "spine transplant" under medical expenses. (Democratic Party only)
Friday, April 10, 2009
Friday Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
Most days, I wake up with a song in my head. Sometimes it's something I've been listening to a lot, other times it'll be something completely random (my brain, the original iPod Genius software). The song tends to change on a daily basis, but every so often I get stuck on something that will not go away. I've spent all week with the Dracula Song from Forgetting Sarah Marshall stuck on repeat. I keep going around the house singing, "And if I see Van Helsing, I swear to the Lord I will slay him" in an accent like Sesame Street's The Count after one glass of absinthe too many. Quick Ebert and Brando at The Movies review: Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of the better Movies I Thought Would Totally Suck but Actually Rocked. I have a strong suspicion that I would have been a lot like Jason Segel in this movie if had to do things like date when I was in my 20s.
It's also Easter weekend if you're a Christian and not using some Soviet-manufactured Easten Orthodox calendar, or if you're a chocoholic and/or rabbit worshipper. So Happy Easter to all of you who will be celebrating it. If you're not celebrating Easter, I'll see you in hell.* I'll be the one wearing the "I went to Catholic school for 12 years and all I got was this lousy eternal damnation" t-shirt.
*That is a joke. Not the part about me going to hell, though, that's still pretty likely. Happy Passover to AG and all other Chosen People out there.
1) "Sally MacLeanne," The Pogues. Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash may be the greatest album title of all time. I immediately get a thirst for Guinness whenever The Pogues come on. There is a hilarious introduction to this clip.
2) "Wouldn't It Be Nice," The Beach Boys. This is an open invitation to discuss how Pet Sounds is better than Sgt. Peppers. Feel free to get your music nerd freak on. I personally think the greatest weakness of Pet Sounds is that Ringo doesn't sing on it.
3) "Rhthm and Soul," Spoon. There should be a [sic] after "Rhthm." Why did they leave out the "y"? I don't know. Something else I don't know: in the previous sentence, does the question mark go inside the parentheses? Normally, I would say yes, but since I'm using quotations to show that I'm talking about a specific letter, I don't know, and I'm too lazy to go ask TLB, aka The Grammar Queen (who seriously knows everything about the English language). Something I do know: "Rhythm" is the longest English word that does not use a vowel. And "y" is the only bisexual letter in the alphabet.
4) "Black Flowers," Yo La Tengo. It usually takes a bit of repetition before I get into a song. I am one of those people who tend to play albums a lot right after I buy them so I can see which songs stick. Every so often, though, a song pops up that I don't know very well but immediately want to know better. This is one of those songs. I have to admit I have a weakness for the song-added-to-TV-show-video-montage YouTube videos.
5) "Definite Door," The Posies. Speaking of weaknesses, I am so easy for power pop music. If you record a fairly catchy song with melodic guitars that are front and center, I'm probably letting you at least get to second base. If I can sing the chorus after one listen, you're definitely at least sliding headfirst into third.
6) "Oliver's Army," Elvis Costello and the Attractions. If you're out of luck or out of work, we could send you to Johannesburg. One of the great lines in rock. I've mentioned this before, but it's kind of eerie to listen to late-70s rock (especially punk and New Wave) and hear how the concerns about everything going to shit sound very relevant to today's concerns about everything going to shit. It's somewhat reassuring to me, too, because I don't think even today's problems look as bleak as the late-70s shitscape did.
7) "Stop Your Sobbing," Pretenders. My favorite vocal performance by Chrissie Hynde. She manages to sound both caring and tough, like: "Hey, I know that you've had it rough and that's cool, but you need to get off the couch and deal. And shower. And burn those sweats." Great performance here on the old Letterman show.
8) "These Days," Jackson Browne. Like Yo La Tengo above, a real stopper, with a guitar line that weeps almost as much as The Beatles. While recorded much later, this song was written when he was 16. Do you know what I would have written at 16 if I had been writing songs when I was 16? Something about rescuing a princess from a dragon, with lines like You are so brave, Sir Knight/in winning your dragon fight/I hope you won't think I'm impolite/if I ask you to do it all night. Maybe, if it was a good day and I was feeling intellectual after doing a book report on Of Mice and Men, I might work in a play on "armor" and "amore." There would also be three guitar solos (each longer than the last), a drum solo, and maybe even a bass solo if it fit the motif. The song would of course end with the strike of a gong.
This is why Jackson Browne has a career as a musician and I bang on toy musical instruments in my living room while my wife mocks me. It's even sadder that the reason I didn't write songs when I was 16 is because I was too tired from masturbating to fantasies of rescuing princesses from dragons (I'll see you and your suggestive calendars in hell, Boris Vallejo).
9) "Lydia," Fur Patrol. To show that not much has changed in the 22 years since I was 16, the name "Fur Patrol" makes me snicker a little. Sad, I know, but it's taken a lot of maturity to reduce it to a snicker from the original guffaw I would have had. I'm hoping to eliminate it by the time I'm 60. This song has a terrific vocal and really does not deserve this level of immature commentary.
10) "Seven Nation Army," The White Stripes. You won't find this song on The National Review's list of "conservative" songs because a seven-nation army implies some type of UN security expedition that would make even Resurrected Jesus cry.
I'd like to pause for a moment and ask why wingnuts have such a difficult time when Democrats are in power. It's like we're back to the Klinton Konspiracies of the 1990s, where "Values Voters" (who always seem to have a fetish up their hidden leather sleeve) fear they won't be able to go to the church picnic without being sodomized by a newly married gay couple. The Daily Show ran this segment that illustrates how some GOP members are nuttier than a sack of elephant testicles. I understand being concerned about the bailouts and the deficit and the future for our children—we may disagree on tactics, but certainly the goal is to make the world a better place. I also can greatly sympathize with gagging on the Sausage of One-Party Rule. But tyranny and fascism because an elected government is doing...what the people who elected them asked them to do? Last time I checked, Obama didn't send assassins to Alaska to kill Sarah Palin with an icepick. It just shows how out-of-touch Republicans are. I mean, re-education camps? Everyone knows the re-education will be done via podcast, duh!
11) "Sway," Bic Runga. Such a nice, warm song, I have nothing snarky to say.
Enjoy the weekend, and remember to add one-part insulin to every four-parts Cadbury Creme Eggs.
Most days, I wake up with a song in my head. Sometimes it's something I've been listening to a lot, other times it'll be something completely random (my brain, the original iPod Genius software). The song tends to change on a daily basis, but every so often I get stuck on something that will not go away. I've spent all week with the Dracula Song from Forgetting Sarah Marshall stuck on repeat. I keep going around the house singing, "And if I see Van Helsing, I swear to the Lord I will slay him" in an accent like Sesame Street's The Count after one glass of absinthe too many. Quick Ebert and Brando at The Movies review: Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of the better Movies I Thought Would Totally Suck but Actually Rocked. I have a strong suspicion that I would have been a lot like Jason Segel in this movie if had to do things like date when I was in my 20s.
It's also Easter weekend if you're a Christian and not using some Soviet-manufactured Easten Orthodox calendar, or if you're a chocoholic and/or rabbit worshipper. So Happy Easter to all of you who will be celebrating it. If you're not celebrating Easter, I'll see you in hell.* I'll be the one wearing the "I went to Catholic school for 12 years and all I got was this lousy eternal damnation" t-shirt.
*That is a joke. Not the part about me going to hell, though, that's still pretty likely. Happy Passover to AG and all other Chosen People out there.
1) "Sally MacLeanne," The Pogues. Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash may be the greatest album title of all time. I immediately get a thirst for Guinness whenever The Pogues come on. There is a hilarious introduction to this clip.
2) "Wouldn't It Be Nice," The Beach Boys. This is an open invitation to discuss how Pet Sounds is better than Sgt. Peppers. Feel free to get your music nerd freak on. I personally think the greatest weakness of Pet Sounds is that Ringo doesn't sing on it.
3) "Rhthm and Soul," Spoon. There should be a [sic] after "Rhthm." Why did they leave out the "y"? I don't know. Something else I don't know: in the previous sentence, does the question mark go inside the parentheses? Normally, I would say yes, but since I'm using quotations to show that I'm talking about a specific letter, I don't know, and I'm too lazy to go ask TLB, aka The Grammar Queen (who seriously knows everything about the English language). Something I do know: "Rhythm" is the longest English word that does not use a vowel. And "y" is the only bisexual letter in the alphabet.
4) "Black Flowers," Yo La Tengo. It usually takes a bit of repetition before I get into a song. I am one of those people who tend to play albums a lot right after I buy them so I can see which songs stick. Every so often, though, a song pops up that I don't know very well but immediately want to know better. This is one of those songs. I have to admit I have a weakness for the song-added-to-TV-show-video-montage YouTube videos.
5) "Definite Door," The Posies. Speaking of weaknesses, I am so easy for power pop music. If you record a fairly catchy song with melodic guitars that are front and center, I'm probably letting you at least get to second base. If I can sing the chorus after one listen, you're definitely at least sliding headfirst into third.
6) "Oliver's Army," Elvis Costello and the Attractions. If you're out of luck or out of work, we could send you to Johannesburg. One of the great lines in rock. I've mentioned this before, but it's kind of eerie to listen to late-70s rock (especially punk and New Wave) and hear how the concerns about everything going to shit sound very relevant to today's concerns about everything going to shit. It's somewhat reassuring to me, too, because I don't think even today's problems look as bleak as the late-70s shitscape did.
7) "Stop Your Sobbing," Pretenders. My favorite vocal performance by Chrissie Hynde. She manages to sound both caring and tough, like: "Hey, I know that you've had it rough and that's cool, but you need to get off the couch and deal. And shower. And burn those sweats." Great performance here on the old Letterman show.
8) "These Days," Jackson Browne. Like Yo La Tengo above, a real stopper, with a guitar line that weeps almost as much as The Beatles. While recorded much later, this song was written when he was 16. Do you know what I would have written at 16 if I had been writing songs when I was 16? Something about rescuing a princess from a dragon, with lines like You are so brave, Sir Knight/in winning your dragon fight/I hope you won't think I'm impolite/if I ask you to do it all night. Maybe, if it was a good day and I was feeling intellectual after doing a book report on Of Mice and Men, I might work in a play on "armor" and "amore." There would also be three guitar solos (each longer than the last), a drum solo, and maybe even a bass solo if it fit the motif. The song would of course end with the strike of a gong.
This is why Jackson Browne has a career as a musician and I bang on toy musical instruments in my living room while my wife mocks me. It's even sadder that the reason I didn't write songs when I was 16 is because I was too tired from masturbating to fantasies of rescuing princesses from dragons (I'll see you and your suggestive calendars in hell, Boris Vallejo).
9) "Lydia," Fur Patrol. To show that not much has changed in the 22 years since I was 16, the name "Fur Patrol" makes me snicker a little. Sad, I know, but it's taken a lot of maturity to reduce it to a snicker from the original guffaw I would have had. I'm hoping to eliminate it by the time I'm 60. This song has a terrific vocal and really does not deserve this level of immature commentary.
10) "Seven Nation Army," The White Stripes. You won't find this song on The National Review's list of "conservative" songs because a seven-nation army implies some type of UN security expedition that would make even Resurrected Jesus cry.
I'd like to pause for a moment and ask why wingnuts have such a difficult time when Democrats are in power. It's like we're back to the Klinton Konspiracies of the 1990s, where "Values Voters" (who always seem to have a fetish up their hidden leather sleeve) fear they won't be able to go to the church picnic without being sodomized by a newly married gay couple. The Daily Show ran this segment that illustrates how some GOP members are nuttier than a sack of elephant testicles. I understand being concerned about the bailouts and the deficit and the future for our children—we may disagree on tactics, but certainly the goal is to make the world a better place. I also can greatly sympathize with gagging on the Sausage of One-Party Rule. But tyranny and fascism because an elected government is doing...what the people who elected them asked them to do? Last time I checked, Obama didn't send assassins to Alaska to kill Sarah Palin with an icepick. It just shows how out-of-touch Republicans are. I mean, re-education camps? Everyone knows the re-education will be done via podcast, duh!
11) "Sway," Bic Runga. Such a nice, warm song, I have nothing snarky to say.
Enjoy the weekend, and remember to add one-part insulin to every four-parts Cadbury Creme Eggs.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we spending our unemployment time?
Special extended time off edition!
12) Hunting for a classifieds section from a paper that hasn't gone out of business.
11) Doubling our severance package in Vegas.
10) Expanding our professional knowledge-base by watching a lot of Jeopardy.
9) Looking under the sink for anything that might get us high.
8) Researching methods of faking own death that won't void our insurance.
7) Studying WebMD so we can perform our own surgical procedures when our COBRA expires.
6) Brushing and flossing.
5) Performing stretching exercises to prepare for new career as a drug mule.
4) Downloading as much porn as possible before our Internet service gets turned off.
3) Waiting by the mailbox for our lottery check from Nigeria.
2) Clearing every overgrown shrub from Crawford to Amarillo.
1) Practicing for our all-nude male review.
12) Hunting for a classifieds section from a paper that hasn't gone out of business.
11) Doubling our severance package in Vegas.
10) Expanding our professional knowledge-base by watching a lot of Jeopardy.
9) Looking under the sink for anything that might get us high.
8) Researching methods of faking own death that won't void our insurance.
7) Studying WebMD so we can perform our own surgical procedures when our COBRA expires.
6) Brushing and flossing.
5) Performing stretching exercises to prepare for new career as a drug mule.
4) Downloading as much porn as possible before our Internet service gets turned off.
3) Waiting by the mailbox for our lottery check from Nigeria.
2) Clearing every overgrown shrub from Crawford to Amarillo.
1) Practicing for our all-nude male review.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Friday Random 11
It's one more random than 10!
Yesterday, the Chicago Bears pulled off a trade for Denver quarterback Jay Culter, a Pro Bowl quarterback and the first good one the Bears have had since a punky QB known as McMahon.
The cultural significance of this for Chicagoans (current and expatriate) is that we just lost one of our great unifiers: complaining about the endless stream of shitty quarterbacks that have started for our football team. In fact, the only greater conversational unifier is complaining about the Cubs, and they are considered World Series contenders again this year. Yes, I'll believe it when I see it, but the fact that such talk can be said with a straight face is significant.
Of course, this is all well and good, but also a little sad. As my brother Tickle put it"What are we going to text about during the games when the Bears don't throw for three yards on 3rd and 8?" Just like that, a huge amount of our identity was taken from us, and worst of all, for our benefit. I can only imagine what Red Sox fans went through when Boston won two World Series. Because while winning is awesome, complaining about not winning is a lot more entertaining.
Thankfully, for conversational purposes, the Bears still have at least a half tank of suck left, and the Cubs will likely find some way to rip my heart out and feed it to me while it is still beating.
On to the tunes...
1) "Bicycle Race," Queen. "Bohemian Rhapsody" naturally gets a lot of sing-along attention, thanks in part to Wayne's World and the inherent ridiculous charm of this song. But for my money the most entertaining Queen line to sing is, "I want to ride my bi-cy-cle!"
2) "Living After Midnight," The Donnas. A cover of the classic Judas Priest song, and unfortunately a cover that brings nothing to the table. When you cover a song, you have to do something with it to make people appreciate why they are listening to your version and not the original one that they love. This sounds like the kind of cover played at the end of the night when the band's run out of songs and the drunks are demanding some Judas Priest. It doesn't even get much of a change from the gender-switch of the singers since they both are into guys.
3) "No One Knows," Queens of the Stone Age. They have really crunchy guitars with sweet riffs, like trail mix with M&Ms in it. I think that's a big reason for their success because everyone likes trail mix.
4) "Here's Where the Strings Come In," Superchunk. From the album of the same name, and a great album title for a punky band. Any time a band plays straighforward rock, whether it's of the bar/punk/hard rock variety, they have to eventually change things up a little (otherwise they become stagnant like the Ramones or redundant like "new" AC/DC). Ergo, that almost always means broadening the sound and things like, "string arrangement by the bass player, who was free that day," and "say hello to our new horn player!" I appreciate that Superchunk recognized this, made fun of it, and then went ahead and added the "strings" anyway.
5) "Sunday Bloody Sunday (Live)," U2. As someone who grew up smack in the middle of the heyday of MTV, the image of Bono waving a white flag during this song at Red Rocks Amphitheater is probably the most iconic music image of my life. For all of Bono's faults, there's something so electric about it: the marching guitar riff and drums, the almost religious revival reaction of the crowd, and Bono's complete conviction. I am convinced that, at that moment, he truly believed that music could make a difference. Even though I currently am not just a product of the Age of Irony, but also a client, I have to admit I miss that kind of conviction a bit.
6) "Like Dylan in the Movies," Belle and Sebastian. I imagine Dylan in the movies would need subtitles for all his lines.
7) "I Will Always," The Cranberries. They eventually went the route of "Am I buggin' ya" Bono, becoming a tad shrill and serious. There's such a fine line between "socially conscious lyrics" and "harshing my mellow with your haranguing Irish brogue." However, their first album is a blueprint for delicate, jangling pop. I will now go kick my own ass for using the phrase "delicate, jangling pop." I feel like I just auditioned for the role of Ben Fong-Torres in Almost Famous.
8) "Sleep Spent," Death Cab for Cutie. They are one of my stealth favorites. If I were to have one of those discussions about my favorite bands, especially the kind that involves drinking excessively with other music nerds, it's quite likely Death Cab would not come up. Maybe because they are so unassuming, forgoing musical Molotov cocktails like The Clash or 20-minute hard-rock space dystopias like you-know-who. But every time Death Cab comes up on the Random 11 (or just randomly), I'm a little happier for it.
9) "Tender," Blur. The chorus is really tailored to being sung by thousands of people in Wembley Stadium while they clap in unison to the drum beat. In another life, I'd like to be on stage for that, just once, even if it means my next concept album about reincarnation tanks and I'm washing dishes at a fish 'n' chips joint within 18 months.
10) "The Electric Version," The New Pornographers. For a band that creates such catchy songs, they are surprisingly difficult to play on drums in Rock Band.
11) "Fight for Your Right," Beastie Boys. It's so hard to reconcile the juvenile amateurism of this song (and album) with the idea that the Beastie Boys became musical pioneers with their next album. It's like Thomas Jefferson writing a pamphlet called Liberty 4 Evah, Motherfuckers before writing The Declaration of Independence. It's also one of the most perfect songs to lead into a weekend. Kick it!
Have a good one.
Yesterday, the Chicago Bears pulled off a trade for Denver quarterback Jay Culter, a Pro Bowl quarterback and the first good one the Bears have had since a punky QB known as McMahon.
The cultural significance of this for Chicagoans (current and expatriate) is that we just lost one of our great unifiers: complaining about the endless stream of shitty quarterbacks that have started for our football team. In fact, the only greater conversational unifier is complaining about the Cubs, and they are considered World Series contenders again this year. Yes, I'll believe it when I see it, but the fact that such talk can be said with a straight face is significant.
Of course, this is all well and good, but also a little sad. As my brother Tickle put it"What are we going to text about during the games when the Bears don't throw for three yards on 3rd and 8?" Just like that, a huge amount of our identity was taken from us, and worst of all, for our benefit. I can only imagine what Red Sox fans went through when Boston won two World Series. Because while winning is awesome, complaining about not winning is a lot more entertaining.
Thankfully, for conversational purposes, the Bears still have at least a half tank of suck left, and the Cubs will likely find some way to rip my heart out and feed it to me while it is still beating.
On to the tunes...
1) "Bicycle Race," Queen. "Bohemian Rhapsody" naturally gets a lot of sing-along attention, thanks in part to Wayne's World and the inherent ridiculous charm of this song. But for my money the most entertaining Queen line to sing is, "I want to ride my bi-cy-cle!"
2) "Living After Midnight," The Donnas. A cover of the classic Judas Priest song, and unfortunately a cover that brings nothing to the table. When you cover a song, you have to do something with it to make people appreciate why they are listening to your version and not the original one that they love. This sounds like the kind of cover played at the end of the night when the band's run out of songs and the drunks are demanding some Judas Priest. It doesn't even get much of a change from the gender-switch of the singers since they both are into guys.
3) "No One Knows," Queens of the Stone Age. They have really crunchy guitars with sweet riffs, like trail mix with M&Ms in it. I think that's a big reason for their success because everyone likes trail mix.
4) "Here's Where the Strings Come In," Superchunk. From the album of the same name, and a great album title for a punky band. Any time a band plays straighforward rock, whether it's of the bar/punk/hard rock variety, they have to eventually change things up a little (otherwise they become stagnant like the Ramones or redundant like "new" AC/DC). Ergo, that almost always means broadening the sound and things like, "string arrangement by the bass player, who was free that day," and "say hello to our new horn player!" I appreciate that Superchunk recognized this, made fun of it, and then went ahead and added the "strings" anyway.
5) "Sunday Bloody Sunday (Live)," U2. As someone who grew up smack in the middle of the heyday of MTV, the image of Bono waving a white flag during this song at Red Rocks Amphitheater is probably the most iconic music image of my life. For all of Bono's faults, there's something so electric about it: the marching guitar riff and drums, the almost religious revival reaction of the crowd, and Bono's complete conviction. I am convinced that, at that moment, he truly believed that music could make a difference. Even though I currently am not just a product of the Age of Irony, but also a client, I have to admit I miss that kind of conviction a bit.
6) "Like Dylan in the Movies," Belle and Sebastian. I imagine Dylan in the movies would need subtitles for all his lines.
7) "I Will Always," The Cranberries. They eventually went the route of "Am I buggin' ya" Bono, becoming a tad shrill and serious. There's such a fine line between "socially conscious lyrics" and "harshing my mellow with your haranguing Irish brogue." However, their first album is a blueprint for delicate, jangling pop. I will now go kick my own ass for using the phrase "delicate, jangling pop." I feel like I just auditioned for the role of Ben Fong-Torres in Almost Famous.
8) "Sleep Spent," Death Cab for Cutie. They are one of my stealth favorites. If I were to have one of those discussions about my favorite bands, especially the kind that involves drinking excessively with other music nerds, it's quite likely Death Cab would not come up. Maybe because they are so unassuming, forgoing musical Molotov cocktails like The Clash or 20-minute hard-rock space dystopias like you-know-who. But every time Death Cab comes up on the Random 11 (or just randomly), I'm a little happier for it.
9) "Tender," Blur. The chorus is really tailored to being sung by thousands of people in Wembley Stadium while they clap in unison to the drum beat. In another life, I'd like to be on stage for that, just once, even if it means my next concept album about reincarnation tanks and I'm washing dishes at a fish 'n' chips joint within 18 months.
10) "The Electric Version," The New Pornographers. For a band that creates such catchy songs, they are surprisingly difficult to play on drums in Rock Band.
11) "Fight for Your Right," Beastie Boys. It's so hard to reconcile the juvenile amateurism of this song (and album) with the idea that the Beastie Boys became musical pioneers with their next album. It's like Thomas Jefferson writing a pamphlet called Liberty 4 Evah, Motherfuckers before writing The Declaration of Independence. It's also one of the most perfect songs to lead into a weekend. Kick it!
Have a good one.
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