Friday, October 16, 2009

Friday Random 11

It’s one more random than 10!

“We are all Rush Limbaugh.”

I read it twice to make sure I read it correctly. But that’s what the grade-A nuts at Red State posted.

See, poor Rush Limbaugh has a dream. It’s a dream that goes along with his wishing that women would go back to obeying men, the free market allowed consumers to buy any painkillers they felt they needed, and that Negroes were barred from holding office unless they were registered Republicans. That dream is to own an NFL team.

The NFL told Limbaugh to get bent, that he could not be part of an ownership group for the St. Louis Rams. That tends to happen when you go on ESPN and say the only reason a Pro-Bowl-caliber QB is being touted as a Pro-Bowl-caliber QB is because he’s black. The NFL, as most people know, employs a lot of African Americans, and some of those employees expressed some concern with playing for a guy who uses racially-charged code words like he’s the offensive coordinator for the Idaho Crackers (Welfare Queen Community Organizer MLK Commie 68 Left on two!).

To add insult to player injuries, Rush wanted to buy the St. Louis Rams, a team that in recent years looks like it was bussed in from the CFL. It’s bad enough to play for a terrible team that can’t score, but to play for a guy who criticizes black people for thuggery while he’s gobbling pain pills like a country-club Pac Man? Although it would have been awesome to see an injury report that said, “Questionable: RB Steven Jackson (outrage).”

In a normal universe, this would not be news. Sports ownership bids fall apart all the time. But in the conservative universe, this is yet another unforgivable liberal slap in the face, and while Christianity dictates turning the other cheek, this is Rush Limbaugh we’re talking about. That compelled one of the true believers at Red State to write that we are all Rush Limbaugh.

I normally don’t link to that kind of shit, but this is no mere conservative dump. It’s a golden Cleveland Steamer of unintentional comedy. It’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever read on a conservative blog. They even pulled out the “first they came for the communists, and I said nothing…” card. Because poor Rush—who represents the Average White Band Man on the airways—can’t realize the Average White Man dream of owning a piece of a multimillion-dollar sports franchise. Why? Because the NFL ownership is infested by liberals—after all, this is a group that engages in revenue sharing.

My initial reaction was to say, “Wait a minute? As a bunch of free-market teabaggers, wouldn’t you agree that a private business should be able to dictate who can buy into that business?” Then, as I read the comments, scrolling like I was journeying to the bottom of the logic barrel, I saw that conservatives are threatening a boycott of the NFL. One commenter even said he would leave the NFL behind and focus on NASCAR.

I imagined an NFL free of Bush supporters and people who have pre-ordered Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue. And that makes me agree with them. Rush did get robbed, and I don’t know how any conservative, in good conscience, can support the NFL until Rush is allowed to rightfully take his place next to the other multimillionaires. Until that is changed, by all means you should stay away from the NFL and save Sundays for church and watching cars turn left in a circle.

1) “Munich,” Editors. The appeasement thing was recently dragged out of the pundit glue factory to be beaten with the stick of illogic, this time because those damn European surrender monkeys gave Obama a Nobel Peace Prize because they want him to surrender to the jihadists, which he’s totally going to do anyway since he’s just a secret Muslim cipher agent who’s not really an American. But if the second part was true, then he doesn’t need the prize, since he’s just going to surrender, right? In fact, if he really planned to surrender to the jihadists, wouldn’t he want to go ixnay on the surrenderay so as to not give away his true intentions? Wouldn’t he say, “Hey, Norway, your momma. I’m going to bomb these fuckers back to whatever age was before the Stone Age”? Or, maybe by accepting the award, he’s pulling an X-Red J-Double-Cross, where he does exactly what he says he’s going to do, because people won’t believe him? If your brain works like that…you might be a conservative.

2) “Sidewalk,” Built to Spill. A freakin’ great song. I’m not completely sure if this is about leaping to your death—can you wait for the sidewalk waiting for you—but it moves likes it’s falling through the air. Sadly the YouTube clips don't really capture how much this song rocks. It's worth seeking out.

3) “Come Out and Play,” The Offspring. A song that’s gotten increasingly “meh” for me over the years, from an album I tried hard to like because I thought I should like it. I appreciate that they added some different elements to a punk song, like the Eastern-tinged guitars, but like an overly ambitious Project Runway outfit, the pieces don’t really go together.

4) “Godzilla,” Blue Oyster Cult. Write a goofy song about monsters rising out of the Pacific to destroy Japan, however, and you’re my music buddy for life. I really wonder how long it took to write the lyrics. Ten minutes? Fifteen? One commercial break when Godzilla was being shown on some creature feature show? Worth clicking on the video: it's like it was filmed at a nerd/metal/stoner/cheese nexus.

5) “Holla at Me,” 2Pac. Has anyone ever calculated the rap song with the greatest number of n-words in it? This probably has to be a contender. I tried to imagine Limbaugh having a discussion with the Rams players while this was playing.

6) “Your Bruise,” Death Cab for Cutie. This is like anti-2Pac. These two artists are so opposite they could be in a buddy comedy. In fact, they could be in a zombie buddy comedy, about an undead rapper and a geeky indie rock icon who come together to laugh, love, and solve crimes! Note to self: write zombie buddy comedy.

7) “Waving Flags,” British Sea Power. I have come to love their album Do You Like Rock Music, so much that it’s become one of my novel writing soundtracks. I think Jennifer talked about this once, about having certain songs that you create to, and this one has become my go-to album for working on the book. It’s epic, it’s catchy, yet still has some turns that keep it from being too familiar. All it’s missing are the dick jokes.

8) “Ultrasonic Sound,” Hive. I have this because I bought The Matrix soundtrack, and this song has aged about as well as that movie. I really loved the first film, Keanu and all, because it was stylish, it was freaky, and it pretty much didn’t let up once the agents showed up. Sadly, they Lucased this movie by making two abominable sequels, to the point where I can't watch the first flick any more.

9) “Modern Girl,” Sleater-Kinney. In the studio version, I love how, as the singer sings about trying to be happy, even as things are falling apart, the production gets louder and fuzzier, until it clips and distorts at the end.

10) “Shoot to Thrill,” AC/DC. My favorite song from Back in Black. Outside of drunken bar singalongs, I have grown weary of “You Shook Me.” Even the badass title track has gotten a little soft due to overplaying. But this one still gets the blood pumping. The tapping solo is kind of unusual, and I love how it builds back up to the big fat conclusion, with Brian Johnson’s voice loud and high enough to cut diamonds.

11) “Looks that Kill,” Motley Crue. Oh, TLB’s going to hate the end of today’s list, but iTunes knows it’s the end of the Random 11, and the end of the Random 11 means it’s time to rock. I’m not a big Crue fan, but if their songs were as good as this I would be. Is it dumb? You bet. Nikki Sixx couldn’t even be bothered to write new lyrics for the last verse. Is it simplistic? Damn right, the riff and beat hardly budge except for a short solo. It just bludgeons its way into my brain, though, and sometimes a boy just has to rock. Plus the video is so awfully hilarious.

Have a great weekend, and I hope your dreams don't get crushed by a bunch of commie leftists posing as rich conservative sports owners.


Jennifer said...

I imagined an NFL free of Bush supporters and people who have pre-ordered Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue.

That is one thing that could actually make me watch football.

This man has made me irrationally angry since the late 80's and I am always surprised at how violent my thoughts and wishes can become when I hear or read something he said. I'm truly surprised he's still walking the earth.

I have to go take a walk before looking at your music... must cleanse the nasty taste off of my mental palate.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Look, I WANT the wingnuts to believe the Left is powerful enough and omnipresent enough to prevent Limbaugh from ever doing anything he wants, ever again. Hell, I WANT that to really be true.

They will clutch their pearls as the wee-wee dribbles down their leg and they hide under the coffee table like a startled elderly shihtzu.

Soon, when the light turns red as they approach the intersection, it will be proof of the success of the liberal nanny state, and they will accelerate through the light. It would be a neat solution to the problem, if they weren't guaranteed to take some innocents with them, like the cowardly cobags they are.

But until then, total comedy gold, Jerry.

fish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fish said...

I love that in the video for Looks That Kill it is described as High Quality Audio. Made me laugh.

With train-wrecks that that video, I also like to imagine what the planning process must have been like. Everyone sitting around the table saying "what would be a cool video?" Answer: "I think we need smoke machines, big haired dancers, and lots of makeup. Wind machines when we do close-ups on the musicians. Maybe the women could be dancing in a cage."

"BRILLIANT!!! No one has ever thought of this before!!!!!"

Captcha wants you to wakullyp.

Jennifer said...

Ok, I'm briefly over my Rush ire.

I think Jennifer talked about this once, about having certain songs that you create to, and this one has become my go-to album for working on the book.

Yes indeedie... I don't always do it or do it on purpose, but it can be a guaranteed entryway back into the zone.

We'll have to listen to this while we read your novel. :) We can mentally insert a dick joke. Wait... that didn't sound right. You know what I mean.

almostinfamous said...

that whole run-on sentence following the title of 'Munich' had me cracking up so hard!

Paul said...

It seems to me that all the negative vibes this blowhard (Rush Hudson Limbaugh A.KA. Jeff Christie) has been spewing over these many years has come back to blow back on his face (A classic “Blow Back”). He always tries to give off the airs that he can have anything he wants but as we all witness those with more money and more influence tossed him aside like sack of potatoes and the ultimate insult was that it was done in public (money don’t buy you everything butterball).

Now of course he blames everyone else (Michael J. Fox, Perez Hilton, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Sonia Sotomayor, Hillary Clinton, Olympia Snowe, ESPN, NFL, the media, basically people of color, the handicapped, women and gays) when of course all you have to do is listen to his show and plainly hear his daily prejudices filled sermons. So NFL, I salute you decision, job well done. And to the whaling cry baby perched on his self made pedestal, quit your whining it was your own fault. Don’t we all feel better?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

We can mentally insert a dick joke.

If Brando's novel doesn't come with dick jokes already inserted, I have COMPLETELY misjudged his personality.

Paul, I don't think the other NFL oligarchs deserve much approval for this decision. They have demonstrated themselves to be perfectly accepting of plenty of reprehensible characters.

Limbaugh seemed to be just a bit too vocal for them though. I think They prefer their bigotry and greed to be a bit more low-key.

Montana said...

He has spent years unfairly labeling others. Finally he had his judgment day.

Brando said...

Well, the new NFL under Roger Goodell is really trying to avoid controversy. While teams still employs a lot of questionable people, the league is cracking down on bad behavior more than I can ever recall. They are all about protecting the league brand, and the NFL is usually in tune with what its audience will tolerate.

As for the novel, the tentative title is There Will Be Dick Jokes.

Jennifer said...

As for the novel, the tentative title is There Will Be Dick Jokes.


Is it a reeeeeally long novel, Brando... taking place in a semi-parodic North America?

How about calling it, Infinite Dick Jokes?

fish said...

It's not the length of the novel but how you use it.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

"Gravity's Dick Joke"?

Snag said...

"Moby's Dick - There Once Was a Man From Nantucket"

blue girl said...

Brando, that Red State link was unbelievable.

Brando said...

With all this pressure, I should call it Great Dickspectations.

Snag said...

Brando, the Dickens of our times.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

"A Dick or Two Titties"

A meditation on sexual identity.

Jennifer said...

Brando, the Dickens of our times.


fish said...

Nicholas Dickleby?

The Dicket on the Hearth?

Hard Times?

The Mystery of Edwin's Wood?

Our Mutual Friend? (bow chicka wow wow)

The Village Cockettes?

Churlita said...

This was probably one of the funniest Random 11's ever!

Brando said...

Hmm, perhaps I could use a nom de plume?

Hugh G. Dickens?

John Thomas Hardy?

Willam Cockner?

Brando said...

Thanks, Churlita. I had a lot of fun writing this.

Kathleen said...

the tentative title is There Will Be Dick Jokes.

it gives a whole new perspective to "I drink your milkshake"

fish said...