Thursday, May 15, 2008

Transcript of President Bush’s Address to Israel’s Knesset

Shalom. That’s Jewish for howdy.

Thank you very much for the opportunity to speak to you today. And thank you very much for the bagels this morning. Or as I call them, Jewnuts. Like doughnuts, but Jewier. I also have to hand it to you, you’re Zagnuts for security. This morning, someone asked me if I wanted lox on my bagel. I said no, because who’s going to steal a bagel? But I appreciate the extra precautionation.

We have a lot in common, Israel and America. The Old Testament. An appreciation of Schindler’s List. Jerry Seinfeld. And a distrust of brown people.

We’re really like buddies in an action move. I like action movies. Lots of action, not so much talking, and even when there’s talking, it’s talking about action. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can’t solve anything by talking. You got to shoot your way out of a problem or else the bad guys win.

Like buddies, we get on each other’s nerves a little. I’m always asking you to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, and you’re always throwing my pork in the garbage. Although maybe I’d be a little lighter if I kept that cashmere diet like you folks. Anyway, even when buddies disagree, they still have each other’s backs.

But there’s somebody else in my country who’s not your buddy. Not going to name names, but he’s buddies with the other brown peoples, because they all stick together. He wants to talk things out, like Oprah—who’s also brown. But did Mel Gibson ever solve anything by talking? Oops, bad example. Did Bruce Willis ever solve anything by talking? Or Clint Eastwood? Or Ariel Sharon? Sorry, I couldn't think of a Jewish action hero. You should talk to your buddies in Hollywood and get that fixed.

These non-buddies want to do apleasement. It’s from the Latin, apleasin, and it’s when you give someone too much pleasing. They say we should talk with these folks, negotiationalize with them, as if a bunch of words will make an argument. We’ve heard this kind of foolish thinking before. During World War II, a man—kinda brown—once said to one of the greatest heroes in American history, “You throw me the idol, and I’ll throw you the whip. No time to argue.” But when he got the idol, he just dropped the whip. That kind apleasement is dangerous and can fool even our smartest arch-, uh, archeol-, uh, scientists.

That’s why we have to stick together and be buddies, and keep their buddy out of the White House. Because the only way we’re going to have a peaceful Middle East, full of tolerance and integration, is if we shoot our way out.

Thank you. That’s English for however you say thank you in Jewish.


Kathleen said...

you even made a lox and bagel joke work!! bravo, sir.

Shannon Erin said...

I was able to hold it together while reading this at work until I read this line:

It’s from the Latin, apleasin, and it’s when you give someone too much pleasing.

Then I had to cover up my laughing with some fake coughing.

Nice job.

Anonymous said...

simply brilliant

fish said...

apleasement is teh awesome.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing this, because I can't find the real Bush funny. He's too scary.

Churlita said...

You wrote it so well, that I even heard his voice in my head when I read it. Damn you for putting the voices back in my head again.

Brando said...

I was working on a completely different piece yesterday and had CNN on. They cut to Bush's speech, and he started off by saying Shalom in that idiot Bush way. I stopped what I was doing and immediately started writing. I'm going to miss that instant idiotic inspiration when he's gone. Although I'll gladly trade it for some semblance of competence.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

This is by far and a way -- your best post. Ever.

Well done. Well done!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

will durst always laments the loss of a President, because he likes having his jokes delivered to his doorstep every day.

Oddly enough, it never seems that a new administration impoverishes his supply.

Snag said...

The Jewier the better when it comes to baked goods.

G said...

My cheeks are hurting. Good one.

Anonymous said...

What are you people all talking about???? Those are actually BUSHIT's REAL WORDS! This is not some SNL sketch, someone actually recorded BUSHIT's speech and now it's being re-broadcast here to give those still not completely convinced about what an utter RETARD our X-RESiDENT George W.ithout a Brain Bushit really was......a RETARD. Don't laugh, this is no joke! We're all the worse off because of the DOULT's presense in our White House for the last 8 years. Remember the famous words, folks. Those that fail to study the past, are doomed to repeat it. NEVER VOTE FOR A RETARD EVER AGAIN!