Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Supreme Court Strikes Anna Nicole Smith from the Record

Orders all copies of The Anna Nicole Show to be recalled, launched toward the sun

Anna Nicole Smith acknowledges how many different medications are currently running through her body.

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court today ruled to remove all traces of Anna Nicole Smith from the public record.

The "actress" and model had appeared before the court seeking money from her late husband's $1.6 billion estate. Ms. Smith married the man, Howard Marshall II, when she was a 26-year old model and he the 90-year old star of the show Tales from the Crypt.

The Supreme Court immediately dismissed Ms. Smith's claim. Speaking for the Court, Chief Justice John Roberts chastised Ms. Smith "for distracting us from our important work of regulating the wombs of women."

But in a surprise turn of events, the Court went one step further. After listening to Ms. Smith's testimony, it ordered every record of her to be destroyed, including photos, TV shows, gossip columns, and online galleries.

"It is necessary, for the mental, emotional, and cultural health of this country, to pretend that you never existed," opined Judge Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who noted that Smith's celebrity posed a direct threat to the Fourth Amendment statute against cruel and unusual punishment.

The court ruled 7-1 in favor of the striking. Justice Clarence Thomas was the lone dissenter, as he took umbrage with the destruction of Ms. Smith's photographs.

The material to be confiscated include her birth certificate, Social Security card, drivers license, credit cards, Guess? photos, Playboy pictorials, straight-to-video videos, and Trim Spa ads.

For her reality show, The Anna Nicole Show, the Court requested a special destruction procedure that involves loading all copies and master tapes onto a rocket and shooting it toward the sun. "It is the only way we can be sure it is gone forever," remarked Justice Stephen Breyer. NASA plans to begin rocket construction immediately.

The Court ordered Ms. Smith to be exiled to a secure trailer outside of Guantanamo Bay. She will be allowed access to the military pharmacy, Häagen Dazs ice cream, and anonymous male callers, but she is forbidden from marrying, reproducing, or being filmed or recorded.

Upon hearing the ruling, Ms. Smith burst into tears, let loose a string of drawly illiterate bleating, and fled the scene. Police later apprehended her at a local 7-11 convenience store, where she was holding several Hostess Fruit Pies hostage.

All may not be lost for the former "star," however. According to anonymous sources closely monitoring Ms. Smith, members of the military have already approached her for interrogation work at Camp X-Ray. "You could say she has a couple of strategic assets we could use, heh heh heh," said one government official who was not Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.


Grendel said...

Oh, bravo, bravo, bravo, sir. My stomach hurts now from laughing.

Brando said...

I am more disturbed about this case getting to the Supreme Court than I am about the UAE ports deal.

Grendel said...

I love Clarence Thomas with his lone dissent...

Unknown said...

There is nothing I love more than a 'good Christian girl' like Anna pimping the cross like that!

Hey, I read about some interesting organic place in Iowa City. Do you know which one I am talking about? I meant to write it down and I forgot.

Brando said...

Iowa City is an interesting organic place!

No, I have no idea, I only shop at Bob's Artificial Flavors and Colors Feed Shed.

Anonymous said...

That was hysterical!

She is one trashy broad. Pretty. But trashy.