T: The Party, Part III

Our story so far:
Part I
Part II


FBI AGENT DEMI KRATT, member of the T alien Fifth Column, LUCAS, and his human partner, JEROME, drive to a large Tea Party rally in Scranton, Pennsylvania. LUCAS is on the phone.

LUCAS
I need you, buddy...No, I know it’ll work. The cameras will be rolling, you just have to do that voodoo that you do so well...I knew I could count on you. (hangs up his phone)

AGENT KRATT
Who was that?

LUCAS
Our secret weapon against the T’s.

AGENT KRATT
Lucas, how are we going to stop them? They have superior technology, political momentum, a built-in distrust of the media....

LUCAS
But here’s what the T’s don’t have: control over their sexual arousal.

JEROME
I’ll testify to that.

LUCAS
T females work very hard to keep their arousal under control, because when they do become aroused, they emit three times the usual body heart in order to send a signal to the males that they’re ready to mate. If we get Queen Palin to get hot and bothered.....

AGENT KRATT
Her human skin will melt off!

JEROME
And that means goodbye political cougar and hello dragon lady.

AGENT KRATT
How is your friend going to manage to get Palin hot and bothered in front of a rally full of people?

LUCAS
The T’s may be very advanced in many ways, but our sense of what we find sexy lags about 25 years behind humans. My friend will fit the bill perfectly.

The three arrive at the Tea Party rally in Scranton and try to maintain a low profile in the crowd. Jerome jumps.

JEROME (whispering)
Lucas, baby, I appreciate the attention, but now is not the time.

LUCAS
The time for what?

JEROME
You pinched my ass.

LUCAS
No I didn’t?

Jerome looks behind him and sees a big, burly man wink at him.

JEROME
Hmpf, I swear they should hold this tea party in the closet.

They settle into the middle of the crowd as Palin comes on stage. The crowd goes crazy. Cameras everywhere flash and transmit her speech to all the major news outlets.

PALIN
Hi ya, Scranton! Are you ready to take back Pennsylvania? (The crowd cheers wildly.) Are you ready for freedom and liberty and patriotism and Jesus and lower taxes and good times? (The crowd is almost orgasmic.) Then I’m your gal!

Outside of the crowd, a vintage black Pontiac Firebird approaches the crowd. It doesn’t slow down as it gets closer, until the drive slams on the brakes and stops with the hood pointed toward the stage. The crowd grows quiet as they and Palin stop to look at the car.

The T-tops pop off as Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” begins to play. Actor MARC SINGER emerges out of the top and falls across the hood of the car. He wears a headband, a muscle shirt, and jeans so tight, it’s easy to tell he’s circumsized.

PALIN
Oh my!

As the song plays, Singer writhes and spreads his legs on the hood. The media cameras all follow him and then capture Palin’s reaction.

PALIN (waving her hand)
Is it getting hot out here?

During the guitar solo, flips on his front and dry humps the hood. Palin’s skin begins to glow and slowly melt off her face. When Singer flips back over and elevates his pelvis fully in the sky, the last of Palin’s mask falls off, revealing her natural reptilian look. Other T females have the same reaction, their fake skin dropping off, and even a couple of T males also heat up, including Lucas.

JEROME
Lucas! Don’t tell me you’ve got the hots for that little County Seat tramp!

LUCAS
I’m sorry, I’m only reptilian. I can’t help myself. We had a thing back in the 80s.

The rally devolves into screaming chaos as the Tea Partiers run from the revealed T’s. Palin is oblivious, however, completely focused on Singer’s gyrations.

PALIN (leaping off the stage)
Come to mama!

She rushes Singer before being restrained by police.

PALIN
Let me go! I need to mate! And feed!

They take her away and the other T’s are also rounded up, including Lucas. Marc Singer comes over to speak to Lucas.

SINGER
Lucas! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to expose you, too. Although I have to say, I’m flattered you still feel that way about me. I’ll get your bail money.

JEROME (pushes him away)
Save your money and get that mullet cut, son. I’ll take care of the bail.

AGENT KRATT
Mr. Singer, thank you so much. You’ve done a great service to your country, exposing the T’s just before the election.

SINGER
It’s all in a day’s work for The Beastmaster, ma’am.

AGENT KRATT
Okay, then....Well, gotta go.

SINGER
Say, need a ride in the Trans Am?

AGENT KRATT
I’m good, thanks. (Leaves quickly)

SINGER (watches her go)
Yeah, still got it.

Fast forward to November 3. Agent Kratt reads the newspaper with Lucas and Jerome.

AGENT KRATT
I can’t believe this. The T’s actually did better after they were exposed? How the hell is that possible.

LUCAS (reading)
“A tearful Glenn Beck helped marshal record turnout for an off-year election, telling his followers that political convictions don’t run skin deep, and that Sarah Palin’s heart was still the same, even if it was located where a human vagina would be.”

JEROME
Get this, Rush Limbaugh said, “The T’s have what we need, a little cold blood to make the kind of ruthless government cuts that our warm-blooded bleeding hearts won’t. And as a bonus they’ll actually eat the rats running Washington.”

LUCAS
I hate to say it, Demi, but your humans are getting exactly what you deserve.

AGENT KRATT
Maybe you’re right. (She takes out her cell and makes a call)

JEROME
Who are you calling?

AGENT KRATT
Marc Singer.

JEROME
Get out!

AGENT KRATT
Like Lucas says, I’m getting what I deserve. Compared to life under the T’s, a weekend of wiggling under The Beastmaster doesn’t seem so bad.

LUCAS
Hey, we could double.

JEROME
Not on your life

THE END?