Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Top Ten Tuesdays: What changes are we making to TSA search policies?

10) To put travelers more at ease, all body scanning stations will play Barry White songs.

9) TSA agents will be required to use hand warmers for a minimum of 15 seconds before commencing groping.

8) Platinum-level frequent fliers will gain free access to the Champagne Screening Room.

7) All children under the age of 10 will be fully searched as 98% of all airline terror is caused by children under 10.

6) Passengers who decline pat-downs will be given option to fly while restrained in strait jackets.

5) For flights deemed high security risks, all passengers will be fed free roofies during boarding and receive a free glass of water to the face upon landing.

4) TSA agents will ask a series of questions designed to get to know you before reaching down your pants.

3) All travelers lacking health insurance will be eligible for free colonoscopy during body cavity search.

2) Agents will no longer be able to use the phrases, “Get a load of these,” “Whoah, mama, daddy like!” or “How you doin’?” during searches. Also, there will be a five-second time limit on giggling.

1) Before invasive searches begin, passengers will be asked if they voted for George W. Bush. Those answering in the affirmative will be fitted with a ball gag since this is what they asked for.

15 comments:

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

17) unplanned side effect: "Squeaky Trouser Toy" business plan really starts to take off.

fish said...

1) will delete all xray images, except the ones that need "special consideration."

Brando said...

fish, I'm assuming those would fall under the category of "hard intelligence."

Jennifer said...

I thought you were going to say all children would be groped by TSA approved priests...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

perhaps the TSA agents are RCC approved, Jennifer.

Brando said...

I'm not patting you down, I'm just laying on of hands, so quit squirming.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

TOUCH MY JUNK!!!

Jennifer said...

Happy Endings for every millionth customer!

Substance McGravitas said...

No whistling "Little Things Mean A Lot".

Kathleen said...

3) All travelers lacking health insurance will be eligible for free colonoscopy during body cavity search.

fucking Obamacare

fish said...

I want to see the looks on the TSA agents faces during National Wear a Kilt Day.

Brando said...

While wearing a shirt that says, "Touch my haggis."

Anonymous said...

Don't think of it as "institutionalized molestation". Think of it as free screening for breast or testicular cancer!

Kathleen said...

I'm going to have to perfect my Jim Carey voice so I can say "can you give me a push while you're back there?"

almostinfamous said...

Relabelling groping as 'cancer prevention and/or detection measure'

verification - couggesr - growr, baby!