10) To put travelers more at ease, all body scanning stations will play Barry White songs.
9) TSA agents will be required to use hand warmers for a minimum of 15 seconds before commencing groping.
8) Platinum-level frequent fliers will gain free access to the Champagne Screening Room.
7) All children under the age of 10 will be fully searched as 98% of all airline terror is caused by children under 10.
6) Passengers who decline pat-downs will be given option to fly while restrained in strait jackets.
5) For flights deemed high security risks, all passengers will be fed free roofies during boarding and receive a free glass of water to the face upon landing.
4) TSA agents will ask a series of questions designed to get to know you before reaching down your pants.
3) All travelers lacking health insurance will be eligible for free colonoscopy during body cavity search.
2) Agents will no longer be able to use the phrases, “Get a load of these,” “Whoah, mama, daddy like!” or “How you doin’?” during searches. Also, there will be a five-second time limit on giggling.
1) Before invasive searches begin, passengers will be asked if they voted for George W. Bush. Those answering in the affirmative will be fitted with a ball gag since this is what they asked for.