Liberus

On a golf course, a man lines up a short putt. He hits the ball too hard, however, and it lips out of the hole.

MAN (shaking fist)
Obama!

At a restaurant, the Man sits at a table with other diners. One of them finishes a joke as the man takes a bite of food.

DINER
“…and the guy says, ‘That’s not my dog, you idiot, that’s my wife!”

The Man laughs but immediately starts choking uncontrollably. The Diner gets behind him and gives him a Heimlich maneuver, dislodging a bit of food.

DINER
Are you okay?

MAN (gasping)
Obama!

In the bedroom, the Man lies with his Wife.

WIFE
It’s okay, honey, it happens. We can just cuddle tonight.

MAN (making a fist and whispering)
Obama!

A DOCTOR appears.

DOCTOR
Do you or anyone you love have an uncontrollable hatred of President Obama? Do you find yourself blaming the president for every and any problem in your life?

If so, you may be suffering from Chronic Obsessive Obama Transference Syndrome, a serious medical condition that affects millions of Americans. While COOTS is most prevalent among the elderly, it can strike young and old, of either gender and any race.

But now you have a chance to overcome your COOTS with new Liberus.

A montage shows the man yelling at his elected official, carrying a sign that says “No Death Panels”, and weeping while watching Glenn Beck.

DOCTOR (voice over)
Liberus is a powerful new medicine that can relieve the worst symptoms of COOTS: the huffing, puffing, marches on Washington, marches on city hall, disrupting town halls, disputing birth certificates, uncontrollable filibustering, and bedwetting.

On screen, a picture of a brain shows angry red arrows being transformed into soft blue arrows that enter the nervous system.

DOCTOR
Liberus stimulates the relaxation centers of your brain, the portions that control heart rate, breathing, and rectal clenching, while blocking the neurons that cause shouting, finger pointing, and apocalyptic predictions.

Another montage plays while the warning message is spoken: The Man having a polite conversation with his representative, the Man raising his hand to speak at a townhall meeting, and the man laughing as he watches The Colbert Report.

VOICEOVER (read quickly).
Warning: Liberus is not for everyone. Side effects may include an increase empathy for the less fortunate, trust in the scientific process, trust of official government documents, a decreased interest in carrying firearms in public, and Palin repulsion. Republican members of Congress who take Liberus may suffer a severe loss of talking points; this is normal and will be replaced by a surge in bipartisanship. Taking Liberus while watching Fox News may cause bouts of cognitive dissonance which can be relieved through sarcasm and drinking games. If you currently suffer from cranial-anal insertion, talk to your doctor before taking Liberus, as he may want to return your head to its original upright position before starting treatment.

DOCTOR
To take back control of your anger, your saliva glands, and your life. Take Liberus.

In their bedroom, the Man and his Wife sit watching TV.

WIFE
Honey, do you want to watch Sean Hannity? I think Ann Coulter and Charles Krauthammer are on.

The Man grabs the remote and turns off the TV as he pulls the Wife toward him.

WIFE
Oh, honey, what’s gotten into you?

MAN (looking at the camera and winking)
Liberus!