10) Promise wavering Democrats that their spine transplants will be covered if they vote.
9) Rally Republican support by renaming the bill, “the War on Germs.”
8) Engage the support of America’s youth by presenting a special episode of Jersey Shore where Snooki learns she doesn’t have health coverage to get her foot fixed after breaking it off in some snooty Manhattan bitch’s ass.
7) Put on some Barry White, pour some red wine, and invite each dissenting Congressman into the Lincoln Bedroom with Obama.
6) Raise the funds to pay for the bill by selling Republican Congressmen into indentured servitude to the Chinese.
5) Ask the chamber to please pass the bill, and if that fails, say pretty please, and, if pushed to extremes, use the Cherry on Top option.
4) Counter any complex legislative tricks with an unbeatable Triple Lindy.
3) Lock dissenting legislators in a box with a stinging insect until they tell us what we want to hear.
2) Convince tea party activists to change their minds by reminding them their angioplasties will be covered, even in cases of extreme buffet abuse.
1) Tell the House that the Senate already passed the bill, and when they’re all, “nuh uh”, then go, “uh huh,” and when they say, “no way,” totally say, “way, it’s like, all finalized and stuff,” and then when they go, “fine, whatevs,” then presto, healthcare, motherfuckers!