Wednesday, March 11, 2009

United States Has to Let Two States Go

Alaska and Hawaii given notice under ‘last admitted, first omitted’ policy

WASHINGTON - Faced with a severe contraction in revenue and a bleak economic forecast, the United States was forced to downsize by two states, giving notice to Alaska and Hawaii that they would no longer be part of the union.

“It is with great sadness and sorrow that I had to let these two magnificent states go,” President Obama announced at a news conference. “I am especially saddened that my home state of Hawaii will now be considered foreign soil.”

President Barack Obama called the states into his office to deliver the news personally. He thanked them for their contributions to America’s history and economy, and said he would be happy to provide glowing references. He also said he would consider readmitting both should conditions change and the United States begin expanding again.

Alaska took the news in stride. The state has long had an independent streak and made no secret of its ambitions to set out on its own. “We thank the U.S. for all it has done for us,” the state said in a prepared statement. “We will always feel a close bond with the Lower Forty-Eight, and we especially value our close relationships with the military and oil industries. But as we say, you can’t make a fur coat without clubbing a seal, and it’s time for us to make our coat.”

Alaska announced that it was now the independent Kingdom of Alaska, Ltd., and that Governor Sarah Palin would become Queen Sarah I. “Gosh, I don’t know what to say,” said the new queen. “I’ve had a few tiaras placed on my head, but never one that let me do whatever I want. This is awesome!” She immediately announced the banning of the 21st Century.

Hawaii was not so amicable. Sources at the White House say that they heard both crying and shouting from the state inside the Oval Office. At a later press conference, The Aloha State, its flowered shirt undone and carrying a drink with a tiny umbrella in it, delivered some harsh words to its former country.

“This is bull----!” Hawaii said. “We get put out to sea while f----- Delaware gets to stay. You know what’s the difference between Delaware and a guy with a thumb up his a--? The guy with the thumb actually does something. But you sign a Constitution a million years ago and you’re a state for life.

“Have fun vacationing in Dover, a--holes!”

Sources close to the state said it had already been approached by Japan, China, and Australia.

Hawaii’s outburst hinted at the difficulty the last two admitted states had fitting in with the existing Union culture.

“Don’t get us wrong, we have a lot of respect for Alaska and Hawaii,” said one Midwestern state that wished to remain anonymous. “Unfortunately, they never really bought into our continental values. Alaska wanted to do things its own way, while Hawaii never really matured from its territory stage. There’s more to statehood than pristine beaches and Macadamia nuts. You need to bring more to the table, like hog byproducts or ethanol.”

Another Northeastern state said that the two states never should have been admitted in the first place. “The U.S. is a closed shop. Our criteria is ‘from sea to shining sea.’ We work better when our states have common borders. You start rewriting Manifest Destiny to include any discarded Russian province or island full of fornicating savages, and pretty soon you find yourself having to pay attention to Guam. And no one wants that.”

Both states received two months of interstate highway severance, but no health benefits.


hbonfield said...

A country's gotta do what a country's gotta do, but couldn't we take Hawaii back and let Texas go instead?!

Snag said...

Yeah, can't we do it like Survivor and vote them off the continent?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

plus, what about Maui Wowie?

Do we have to settle for Iowa Ditchweed?

Jennifer said...

Will Barack still be President if his birth state is now considered foreign soil?? I'm guessing the GOP will now have their proof he was not born in the US. I'm guessing the GOP was behind the ousting of Hawaii for this very reason.

My verification word is "gorinnin"... sounds like a gorilla smile.

Churlita said...

"She immediately announced the banning of the 21st Century."...Tbe funniest thing I've read this week.

Feral Mom said...

You always bring it. I'm so glad I clicked over here tonight! Now, off to vacation in Dover...

Adorable Girlfriend said...

AG has thoughts. Many thoughts.

Brando said...

AG, I specifically wrote the Delaware lines for your amusement.

I would give Texas back, but Austin's on one of my places I'd like to live, and I don't want to live in Mexico or, worse, an independent Texas.

the other beck said...

PLEASE submit this to Smithsonian mag for its last page!