Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we justifying our bonuses to taxpayers?

Special bonus edition!

11) Achieved bonus goal of obtaining tax money to pay for bonuses.

10) Giving needy citizens rides to the unemployment office in our new Porsche (pending available seating).

9) Obtaining bids from multiple vendors before using bonus money to purchase hookers and blow.

8) Managed annual salary so poorly, need a bonus to bail us out.

7) Need additional funds to pay for our guillotine insurance.

6) While it's right for the government to give businesses public funds, it will make Baby Jesus cry if it says how businesses should spend those funds.

5) Promising to invest that bonus money in companies that will help the American economy and not those like A.I.G.

4) The same way we justified them to our shareholders...through equations that no one wants to admit they don't understand.

3) Sitting back, lighting a cigar with a $100 bill, and letting the Times do our justifyin' for free.

2) Hey, nobody took away George W. Bush's salary.

1) "Justify"...sorry, we're not familiar with that word. We're MBAs, not English majors. Now who wants a little caviar with their fillet mignon?


Jennifer said...

That was painful.

Brando said...

I hope you were referring to the topic and not the jokes ;-)

Brando said...

And BTW, that Times article was the biggest bunch of fluffball journalistic horseshit I have read in an otherwise "respected" outlet in quite some time.

Jennifer said...

You know what I mean... the jokes were funny as usual... just too real. I'm not sure if I'm able to get the comedy out of the tragedy yet.

As for the Times article, I started to read it, but had to stop.

Totally OT... did you see Paranormal State last night? Even Grizzled wanted me to change the channel.

blue girl said...

Yeah, I had to stop reading when I read these two statements:

"the “fundamental value” in question here is the sanctity of contracts."


"If government officials were to break the contracts, they would be “breaking a bond,”"

Give me a flippin' break. That these people are all of a sudden concerned with the "sanctity" of anything (besides making as much money as possible, of course!) is making me want to vomit.

And we would never, ever, ever, ever want them to "break a bond." That would be so WRONG!

They must TRULY think we are complete idiots. And maybe we are. We've let so much BS go on for so long. It truly makes the head spin.

First advice to Kathleen's baby: Do not put up with Wall Street's BS!!!!!!

Jennifer said...

They must TRULY think we are complete idiots. And maybe we are. We've let so much BS go on for so long. It truly makes the head spin.

I agree. The thing is, even if most are idiots, I think they're underestimating how angry idiots can get and how right and wrong isn't always clear. Every morning I wake up expecting to hear that some CEO/executive/etc, has been killed by someone who had enough.

Brando said...

It is the first time that I recall a member of Congress, even in jest, suggested that certain businessmen should consider committing sepaku to preserve their honor because their actions were so shameful. And he's a Republican!

Jennifer said...

The details are out...

The contracts shockingly contain a provision that required most individuals' bonuses to be 100% of their 2007 bonuses. Thus, in the Spring of last year, AIG chose to lock in bonuses for 2008 at 2007 levels despite obvious signs that 2008 performance would be disastrous in comparison to the year before.

I wonder if they signed a contract that guarantees that they will be paid their full salary in perpetuity, even if they are let go or blow up the country.

Mandos said...

They are the Masters of the Universe. Why would they care?

Adorable Girlfriend said...

The best AIG comment I've read so far is that if we let them go bankrupt, nobody would have gotten a bonus!

Churlita said...

Yeah, that's been so fun to read about, since they're talking about furloughing us here to save money and we're already making less than $40,000 a year. Sweet. I haven't heard any of them tell us to eat cake yet, but I can feel them thinking it really loudly.

Kathleen said...

funny how "sanctity of contracts" doesn't apply to Union contracts.

Vincetastic said...

AIG is despicable, but I bet you they won't be the last. This is a really great top ten list, you can post this to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/ and then link back to your site. We are looking for top ten lists and our users can track back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.
Funnier than Howie Mandel, you mean your comedy routine is more than putting your head in a plastic glove, although Bobby's world was pretty funny as a kid.