Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Random 11

It’s Halloween. Do you know where your costume is?

I wasn’t much in the Halloween spirit this week—Libby’s too young to really trick or treat, and I don’t need to eat eight pounds of fun-size Snickers. That changed when we watched an excellent episode of Paranormal State this week. For those of you who haven’t seen it, Paranormal State is like The Real World meets Poltergeist. Find out what happens when the dead stop being polite and start being real scary. It’s cheesy, but really good cheese, like the kind they sell over by the deli department instead of in the cheese case. There's also just enough freaky stuff to keep me hooked week after did-you-hear-something week.

Anyway, they had a special hour-long episode this week involving a woman possessed by a demon. The episode progressed in standard fashion: the girl was experiencing weird, violent episodes, including writing on her flesh. The Paranormal State team suspected demonic activity, so they called in a priest. An Episcopal priest.

“Way to bring a knife to a gun fight,” I said to TLB.

They performed the exorcism and the woman eventually seemed fine. Except, at the end when they show an update of how a client is doing, it said she had another possession episode a couple weeks later.

Well, duh! The lesson, kids, is when you suspect you have the black soul of one of Lucifer’s minions nestled between your heart and what’s left of the Taco Bell meal you ate, call a Catholic priest. Because if there's one thing Catholic priests know, it's how to use their hands to expunge inner demons.

1) “Sara’s Angel,” Steve Earle. A nice bit of old-timey instrumental work that wouldn’t sound out of place during a montage from O Brother, Where Art Thou? Even funnier considering the GOP Republican candidate likely believes she has an angel watching over her.

Which brings up a conversation I had a while ago with my oldest friend. He was on the fence about who to vote for: he’s one of those economic/foreign policy conservatives who’s also pretty liberal on social policy. I suspect he was probably leaning toward McCain until the Palin announcement. We talked about her, and we discussed how we really don’t want Tribulation believers near nukes. (BTW, welcome to a special religious bigotry edition of the Random 11!) It’s not hard for me to picture Palin believing, as Bush does, that God speaks to her, and that her meteoric rise is part of God’s plan. And then, should the awful happen and she assume the presidency, that God “tells” her to start a war that ends with nukes going off. Although, since I’ve been playing Fallout 3 this week, I at least feel more prepared if that does happens.

2) “Thick as Thieves,” The Jam. I believe this was the theme song at the last AIG sales meeting.

3) “Are We the Waiting,” Green Day. It’s odd how dated I find American Idiot. I loved it in 2004. It was perfect for the election that year, and one of the first major-label albums to take a direct shot at the political chicanery gripping the country. However, it sounds completely out of step with this election. Maybe it’s because things feel like they are finally going to change, at least a little. Dare I say it: I have a little bit of hope during an election season.

4) “Ain’t No Fun (Waiting Round to Be a Millionaire),” AC/DC. I’ll bet Joe the Plumber likes him some AC/DC. This song has a line I’ve always loved: I’ve got patches on the patches of my old blue jeans / Well they used to be blue, when they used to be new, when they used to be clean. Bon Scott wasn’t all sex and Satanism, ladies and gentlemen.

One funny AC/DC tidbit: I heard a song from their new album, Black Ice, on the radio the other day. When the song ended, the DJ came on and said, “That’s a track from AC/DC’s new album, Black Ice, and one of four songs on the album with the word ‘rock’ in the title.” No hint of irony in his voice, as if it should be no surprise that AC/DC would have an album featuring four songs with “rock” in the title. I cracked up. In fact, I wish they had put “rock” in the title of every song on the album.

5) “Blues Before and After,” The Smithereens. I was in college when they were in their heyday, driving a beat-up Datsun (!) that looked like it had survived a Sarah Palin apocalypse. This is the car that, the first time I drove it, the glass on the passenger side mirror fell off as I pulled away from the curb. It also broke down the day I had to take the GRE. It was, in short, a metallic pile of dog shit. But, it had the most kicking set of factory speakers ever. Big, booming speakers that probably were responsible for shaking loose all the moving parts on the car.

I loved when The Smithereens would come on the radio when I was in that car. I worked as a pizza delivery guy at the time, so I was in my car a lot, and I would crank this song and every other Smithereens song I heard. So, despite that car giving me about 18 months of pure grief, I enjoyed driving it because of those speakers and the kind of music that got played on the radio. Sadly, no video for this rocking tune on the YouTubes.

Funny ending: this was the easiest car I ever sold. My father and I dropped it off at a vacant lot where a lot of people put their cars up for sale. My dad put a sign up in the window: $500 OBO. Why walk? We went home to have lunch, and we had a call within 30 minutes. We went back to the lot and sold it to a woman for $427—she literally gave us every dollar she had on her. So I guess every burned-out clutch has a silver lining.

6) “One Little Victory,” Rush. My favorite music moment of the last ten years was the first time I heard this song. I’ve obviously been completely unabashed in my Rush fandom. At the start of the 2000s, though, that fandom had waned quite a bit. The band had been rather hit-or-miss during the 90s, and on top of that, the double-tragedy suffered by drummer Neil Peart (losing his only daughter in a car accident and his wife to cancer within one year) made it seem like they were probably done. Finally, after a five-year gap, they released Vapor Trails. I heard this song on my way home one night and felt completely kicked in the ass (in the good way). I know it’s geeky to be that much of a fan, but I was so happy to see them not only back, but rocking like every song on their album should have "rock" in the title.

7) “My Dirty Life and Times,” Warren Zevon. I am a death baby. I’m somebody that will need to go quickly and obliviously, because if I have time to think about it, it’s not going to be pretty. At the same time, I have always loved the artistic epitaph—the work where the artist knows he or she is producing the last thing they will ever produce. Zevon’s The Wind is one of those, a sad yet uplifting album of a man knowing he’s going to soon, so he wants to make one final lasting impression.

8) “A Nigga Witta Gun,” Dr. Dre. The new Chris Rock HBO special was just okay, but he had a very funny routine about listening to rap songs with his white friend. He talked about how, if the white friends were with him, they always skipped over the n-word in rap songs, mumbling something or just saying nothing. Yet he knows when they are by themselves, they not only sing it, they shout it. Like a smart man once said, it’s funny cause it’s true. Also: funny cat video set to this song.

9) “Don’t Steal Our Sun,” The Thrills. No kidding. It snowed her Monday, enough to put a pretty decent dusting on the surrounding rooftops for a few hours. I went into season-affective disorder mode (also known as “being a baby”). Well, lo and behold, it was almost 60 here yesterday, warm enough that we took Libby for a walk after work for the first time in probably a month. So I’m hanging onto that sun as long as I can. This is also a great, great song.

10) “Don’t Get Me Wrong,” The Pretenders. Bouncy. Seriously, it’s impossible for me to not tap a toe or finger to this song. This also gives me a chance to link to the pretty sweet MTV video site. You can find lots of actual--gasp!--videos on it.

11) “Royal Gregory,” Holy Fuck. What better group to lead into an election weekend where a young black senator looks poised to beat an established white war veteran for the presidency than one named “Holy Fuck”?

And it’s catchy, too.

Happy Halloween, and get out and vote if you haven’t already. Although I know it’s tempting to abstain from the process in the hope that not voting will kill P-Diddy.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: What robo calls are we receiving?

10) I’m Joe Biden, and I’d like to take just a few hours of your time....

9) This is former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens. I’m not calling to endorse anyone, I’m just wondering if I can crash on your couch.

8) I’m John McCain, and I’m here to tell you that I’m...I’m...sorry, my memory isn’t what it used to be...where are my goddamned glasses so I can read this script?

7) Hello, I’m William Shatner. Did you know that you can now cast your vote on—with no poll taxes?

6) This is Cindy McCain. Please stay on the line while one of my servants tells you why John McCain is the best choice for average Americans.

5) [Handel’s “Messiah” plays] Good day, this is Barack Obama.

4) Shalom, my friends. I’m Joe Lieberman. I urge you to get out and vote for a real mensch, John McCain, and for Sarah Palin—what a shiksa!

3) This is the Coalition for Undecided Voters. We’re calling to tell you that we have no idea why we’re calling you.

2) Good evening. This is the Republican Party. We’re going to tell you why Barack Obama will destroy America. If you hang up before we’re finished, you acknowledge that you are a terrorist and will be placed on a watchlist.

1) Hi ya, this is Sarah, don’t hang up, it’s actually me. They wanted to give me something useful to do before the election. So, how’s it goin’?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Are you a real American?

Sarah Palin recently discussed how happy she is to speak in front of real Americans. But what makes a real American? Take these handy quiz to find out how you rate.

(with acknowledgement to The Daily Show for inspiration)

1.Your relationship status:
a) single
b) married
c) divorced but remarried to person I met at a sanctity of marriage rally

2. How would you describe your home town?
a) full of culture and diversity
b) full of little pink houses
c) free of blacks

3. Your car is:
a) a hybrid with a Darwin fish on the back
b) an SUV with a yellow “Support Our Troops” ribbon
c) a monster truck in the shape of a bald eagle

4. Do you own a firearm?
a) no
b) yes
c) that’s “firearms”

5. Drug of choice:
a) coke
b) meth
c) Jesus

6. What’s on your TiVo?
a) Project Runway
b) 24
c) anything with Kirk Cameron

7. What’s the last thing you killed?
a) a mimosa
b) a moose
c) a Muslim

8. Where do you get your news from?
a) CNN
b) Fox News
c) The Bible

9. How often have you been to Wal-Mart?
a) less than once a month
b) more than once a week
c) taking this quiz from the Wal-Mart breakroom

10. Welfare:
a) is necessary to help provide food and shelter to the poor
b) is necessary to provide help to my investments and tax shelters
c) would be better spent building churches

11. What are your feelings on evolution?
a) It’s a fact, supported by mountains of evidence.
b) Humans have evolved an ability to ignore mountains of evidence when politically expedient.
c) I throw feces when someone suggests I came from a monkey.

12. What are your feelings on homosexuality?
a) Homosexuals deserve all the rights of heterosexuals.
b) Homosexual marriage should not be allowed.
c) Homosexuality should be outlawed so that I’m not tempted.

13. When it comes to illegal immigration, you:
a) support amnesty
b) support strict enforcement of our immigration laws
c) support the construction of minefields along the Mexican border

14. How do you feel about universal health care?
a) The government should make it easy for everyone to get affordable health care.
b) The wealthy should be allowed to harvest the organs of the uninsured.
c) We already have universal health care: prayer.

16. Muslims:
a) should not be harassed because of their religion
b) should not be surprised that they are harassed because of their religion
c) should avoid harassment by changing their religion to Christianity

17. When it comes to Iraq, we should:
a) withdraw as soon as we can
b) keep our troops there until Iraq is independent
c) keep our troops there until they trigger the End Times

18. When it comes to offshore drilling, we should:
a) protect the environment and not drill
b) create thousands of new jobs producing hazmat suits for wildlife
c) drill like daddy’s home from the still and full of ’shine

19. Freedom:
a) means being able to disagree
b) isn’t free
c) is for people who share my beliefs and/or skin tone

20. Who would you consider the greatest president?
a) Franklin Roosevelt
b) Ronald Reagan
c) Sarah Palin

a) 3 points
b) 2 points
c) 1 point

20-30 points—Red Wood
You love America so much, you get aroused saying the Pledge of Allegiance. You like your portions big, your truck bigger, and your border fence the biggest. Jesus is not only your co-pilot, he’s your spotter, re-loader, and bombardier.

31-40 points—White Flour
The ingredients are there, but you need some fire to make them rise up. Try a little less compassion and a little more kick assin’. Trade those Dockers for some camo and skip soccer practice to take the kids hunting.

41-60 points—Blew Stater
You stir up treason like you stir milk into your latte. You want our government to take from the rich and give to the poor, instead of acting like a Christian nation and preserving tax cuts. You put your trust into science and fancy thinking, when all the thinking you need was done 2000 years ago. We’ll never preserve our freedom if we let people like you do what you want.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: Which other Americans are we spotlighting in our campaign speeches?

10) Melvin the Underemployed Man Whore.

9) Vito the Completely Legitimate Businessman.

8) Russell the Beneficiary of Affirmative Action Who Now Hates Affirmative Action.

7) Mary the Fully-Armed, Pro-Life Soccer Mom.

6) Akbar the Cabbie Who Shares the Same Name as Akbar the Terrorist.

5) Lisa the Accidental Internet Porn Star Thanks to Her Asshole Ex-Boyfriend.

4) Cookie the Anti-Immigration Rodeo Clown.

3) Yvette the Eavesdropping National Security Agency Operator.

2) Frankie the Guy Who Can Eat His Weight in Ham and Now Needs Health Insurance.

1) Joe the Fictional Political Talking Point.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Friday Random 11

Why do I get sucked into those VH1 Greatest Whatever shows? TLB and I wound up watching the Greatest Songs of the 80s before the last debate—which, aside from some fun conversation, was really a waste of time. They drag out the same sub-Kathy Griffin celebrities—it’s bad when your celebrity coup is Barenaked Ladies. Said celebs repeat the same inane stuff: “I totally moonwalked in my bedroom to ‘Billie Jean’!” or “Night Ranger is totally underrated.” Nothing interesting like, “I couldn’t play Culture Club without totally touching myself” or “I totally tried to hang myself while watching the video for ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ but the rope totally broke, and then I looked up and saw George Michael’s ‘Choose Life’ shirt and I totally wanted to live.”

Yet there I sit, a rat in front of the food dispenser, sucking it all in while thinking things like, “T’Pau was totally ranked too high” and “‘99 Luftballoons’ is totally better when you can’t understand the lyrics.” I’m either too easy or VH1 has made a pact with Satan to cast a spell over me that makes it impossible for me to change the channel. I’m totally guessing it’s the latter.

On to the tunes....

1) “A Gallon of Gas,” The Kinks. Here’s how fucked up gas prices are: I got an e-mail, sent to everyone in my company’s office, that there were stations near the office selling gas at $2.89 a gallon. The double-indemnity is that Marquette has the highest gas prices in the state of Michigan. So my inbox is getting e-mails that have nothing to do with me and taunting me at the same time.

2) “Rock ‘N’ Roll Damnation,” AC/DC. Funny that the first two songs are gritty 70s throwbacks, considering that it feels like 1978. Energy problems, Russians invading territory of sovereign nations, inflation, malaise...really, we just need a hostage crisis to complete the ensemble.

3) “Fashion,” David Bowie. The most annoying season of Project Runway finished this week. I’ve been watching the show for a few years now, and certainly the combination of fashion and reality show would attract a cadre of cobag personalities. This year, though, was ridiculous. I hated everyone on the show at various points of the season. They were either bland or bitchy most of the time. On top of that, they really weren’t the greatest designers, unlike the talented groups of the last two years. The one thing I was looking forward to was the reunion show, since most of the entertainment for me came from watching the contestants savage each other in their little confessional interview spots. I couldn’t wait for all these whiny emus to be in one room, watching clips of them verbally stab each other in the back. So what did Bravo do? Not give us a reunion show. And yes, I’m more upset about this than the current economic situation. That’s what’s wrong with this country, people like me.

4) “At and T,” Pavement. I love any song that starts off with the line, Maybe someone’s gonna save me/my heart is made of gravy. Oh, they knew how to write ironic hipster distanced nonsense back in the 90s.

5) “Chasing Cars,” Snow Patrol. Kathleen recently posted about how she envisioned pregnancy as a montage, like you see in the movies. That makes me think: don’t some songs just feel ripe for montages? This one seems that way, like you could practically write a scene of Ross and Rachel breaking up around it. And here to prove my point, a video montage setting this song to Grey's Anatomy.

6) “Satin in a Coffin,” Modest Mouse. I have been listening to these guys and Built to Spill a lot lately. There’s a quality to their music that complements the weather right now: that feeling of fall getting ready to give way to winter. Maybe because both bands mine the ground of bittersweet, sad, and angry, which matches how I feel about the onset of winter.

7) “Don’t Speak,” No Doubt. The thing I notice about getting older is I’m constantly playing the Has it really been X years since Y? game. For instance, it’s been 13 years since No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom came out. Have we really had Superstar Stefani for more than a decade? These kinds of revelations make my mortality feel like it’s on fast forward.

8) “Puke + Cry,” Dinosaur Jr. I’ve done plenty of the former, not so much of the latter. In fact, last month when I went to the Bears game in Charlotte, I was a little wobbly from boozing the night before. I was in the hotel room with my brothers when I felt the inevitable Stalinist digestive purge coming. As I hurled in the bathroom, my brothers cheered for me outside the door. I heard “Yeah, Brando!” and clapping. It’s hard to throw up and laugh at the same time. This video also reminds me how much I miss the old HBO music show Reverb.

9) “The Sporting Life,” The Decemberists. Probably my favorite lyricists working right now. They manage to be catchy and clever without being simplistic or pretentious. This song just drips with pathos, too: the narrator chronicles how his ineptitude at sports causes him to earn the scorn of his father while losing his girlfriend to the captain of the other team. That’s a story treatment for a Michael Cera movie right there.


11) “One by One All Day,” The Shins. There is little that a little Shins can’t fix.

Have a totally bitchin’ weekend.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: What last-minute campaign slogans are we unveiling?

10) Yes, We Might.

9) Creating Thousands of New American the Middle East!

8) I Don’t Need Your Vote, I’ve Got ACORN.

7) Ready to Return to Congress to Do All the Things I Neglected While Running for President!

6) Never Hugged by President Bush.

5) Change You Could Spare? Seriously, This Public Financing Thing Sucks.

4) A Man of Many Convictions, All of Them Thrown Out on Appeal.

3) I Sucked at History and Don’t Even Know Who the Weathermen Are.

2) Apocalypse, Now!

1) Keep the White in White House.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Saying hi to Baby Jesus

Sorry for not posting a Random 11 today. We are out of town, getting ready to have Libby baptised at the church where TLB and I got married in 1247 (A.D.). My brother Tickle is going to be the godfather, which means that Libby will likely have a gambling problem by the time she is eight.

Who am I kidding, she'll have a gambling problem no matter who her godfather is.

The baptism is funny in that, while neither TLB and I have been very good about going to church, we never hesitated about having Libby baptised. We've even started going back to church to set an example for her. If my daughter winds up becoming jaded and sarcastic about religion like her old man, that's fine. But if she does wind up at that point, I want it to be because she chose to feel that way, not because I'm that way.

Yes, I realize that makes no sense. Neither does having a person who takes a vow of celibacy counseling couples on the marriages. Embracing life's contradictions may seem silly, but at least I still get a hug.

Update: It was worth it for the cake alone. If they replaced communion wafers with this, the Church could fill those pews again:

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Top Ten Tuesdays: How are we encouraging kids to read?

Special unabridged and unedited edition!

12) Developing the Super Mario Brothers Karamazov video game.

11) Publishing a pop-up version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

10) Creating McSweeny’s: The Cereal, with a short story on every box and marshmallows in the shape of today’s literary stars!

9) Adding a shitload of zombies to Beloved.

8) Inserting sound chips in Atlas Shrugged that play Rush songs while you read.

7) Introducing kids to Orwell through Pixar’s Animal Farm.

6) Developing a new, modern update on the works of Leo Tolstoy: Tom Clancy's More War and Less Peace.

5) Giving Jay Gatsby super powers to make him really great.

4) Playing up the lesbianism in Mrs. Dalloway.

3) Broadcasting new reality show, America’s Next Unknown Novelist.

2) Creating text-message version of Finnegan’s Wake.

1) Reducing the amount of words that go into reading.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Friday Random 11

It's one more random than 10!

The last two nights have been the worst I have ever had as a sports fan. There’s a reason “Cubs” and “collapse” start with the same letter, but I didn’t expect them to get treated like the guy who gets killed the first night in Shawshank Prison. The 1984 defeat to the Padres and the 2003 loss to the Marlins were tough, but this is just unbearable. Ugh. Nothing to do but watch Game 3 and cheer for a win.

Couple that feeling with seeing that all it takes to score a political “victory” is not appearing like you got off the short bus to appear at the vice presidential debate. It’s like Bush in 2000 all over again. “Hey, maybe he could sit in the Oval Office without protective headgear. He’s got my vote!” Fuck. Me. CNN’s political pundits are normally a waste of carbon, but one of them made a good point after the debate. When 9/11 happened, Bush was of course whisked away on Air Force One, leaving Cheney in charge for a few hours. Could you imagine Palin in that position? At least Voldemort knows how to get shit done.

Finally, a very slippery Fish subjected me to this video, which is so awful, it made me question the existence of God. This launched a bad rock cover arms race between him, Jennifer, and almostinfamous. Well, I have news for all of them: your national intelligence estimates were wildly inaccurate about the status of my WMV program. I have the enriched plutonium and the system to deliver it. This is so bad, Clarice Starling would rather listen to the lambs screaming.

Okay, I obviously am more wound up than Lewis Black after a pot of IHOP coffee, so I need some music to soothe the savage beast.

1) “The Dark of the Matinee,” Franz Ferdinand. Even when I’m down, FF knows how to put a little shake in my booty.

2) “Roundabout (Live),” Yes. There’s just a little extra wank, courtesy of Rick Wakeman, in this live version. The music is good enough that I don’t care about the lyrics coming out of Jon Anderson’s mouth. And you know what today's music really lacks? Sequined capes.

3) “Fool to Cry,” The Rolling Stones. I have taken the whole dad thing in stride. I am delighted with Libby and love being a dad, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten more sentimental or anything. Except, a few nights ago, I had my little girl on my lap and was reading Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree to her. And damn if it didn’t start getting dusty in the room. I felt like I was 12 again and trying not to lose it at the end of E.T. Why is the boy such a dick to the tree?!

4) “The Ballad of Peter Pumkinhead,” XTC. Here’s a happy tale of a do-good idealist getting crushed by the powers that be. I love how they made such sunny music with such dark lyrics, always a great combination.

5) “Punch Drunk,” Uncle Tupelo. Their working-class desperation unfortunately sounds pitch-perfect right now. It’s too bad Tweedy and Farrar can’t reach across the aisle and work together again.

6) “Fifty Years After the Fair,” Aimee Mann. Her first solo album is still my favorite. The songs are catchy without being trite, her lyrics (especially the couplets) have plenty of zing, and the arrangements make a delicious stew out of 60s, 70s, and 80s guitar-driven pop music.

7) “Kick Push,” Lupe Fiasco. The only hip-hop song dedicated to skateboarding? I dig the beat and the horn sample (which I think I know but can’t quite place).

8) “My Little Needle,” Alkaline Trio. A little Chicago emo seems appropriate today. Hmm, heroin. Now that could cure those Cubbie blues, couldn’t it? This also reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is supposed to go to Africa, but she tests positive for opium. Peterman confronts her and says she's under the spell of “yam yam.” I have no idea why, but that always makes me laugh.

9) “Shellshock,” New Order. Nice to see iTunes has a sense of humor. Honestly, this would be perfect for a Game 3 promo. Never give up until your heart stops beating. Yeah, well after Saturday, I may need to be revived by House.

10) “Anarchy in the U.K.,” The Sex Pistols. Mega-fun to play in Guitar Hero III. I wish they made a breakaway Guitar Hero guitar, so you could smash it without breaking it. I am a giant nerd. Pre-Sid video here with Glenn Matlock on bass.

11) “Unguarded Moment,” The Church. Practically a blueprint for early 80s college radio pop: serious, over-annunciated vocals offset by soaring, but non-wanking, guitar. They should have been bigger than they were. But then again, so should most of us.

Have a good weekend. Hopefully the Cubs will too.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

A Few Minutes With Sarah Palin

The CJSD exclusive Celebrity Reacharound!

CJSD: Governor Palin, thank you for taking the time to talk to us.

Palin: My pleasure. Say, is that shirt made out of moose hide?

CJSD: No, it’s cotton.

Palin: That’s too bad.

CJSD: Governor, you have been many things. Wife, mother—

Palin: Boy, those two were this close to being reversed.

CJSD: Sportscaster, Mayor, Governor, and now GOP Vice Presidential nominee. How have these experiences prepare you to deal with the possibility that Senator John McCain could become a drooling vegetable within the next eight years, leaving you with supreme control over the White House?

Palin: You know, experience can also take on many different forms, like water. It can be solid, it can be liquid, it can be a gas. My experience is like that, kind of wet and gassy sometimes, but solid too. For instance, when it comes to catching terrorists, my experience as a homemaker is pertinent.

CJSD: How so?

Palin: Well, one time, I was preparing sandwiches for Bristol and her friends. They love pickles on their sandwiches. But the pickle jar would not come unstuck. Todd and the boys were out seal-clubbing, so I was on my own.

One of Bristol’s friends suggested running the jar under hot water. Now, I see that as appeasement. Why should I take the time to warm up a jar of pickles that should open when I tell it to?

Bristol, bless her, suggested whacking on the lid with a knife. That got me thinking. I decided to take it one better. I got out my shotgun and blew the jar open.

CJSD: Did that work?

Palin: Oh yeah. Not only did it open the jar, but it taught all the other jars a lesson, that there will be no compromise when it comes to opening. Although, sadly, the blast destroyed all the pickles in the jar. But better for those pickles to be free and in pieces on my kitchen floor than to live under glass tyranny.

CJSD: Speaking of which, if you were to become president, what would your plans be for withdrawal in Iraq?

Palin: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.

CJSD: What would be your criteria for withdrawing from American troops—

Palin: That word, “withdrawing,” what does that mean?

CJSD: To remove, or pull out.

Palin: Oh, if there's one thing we don't do in the Palin household, it's pull out.

CJSD: The economy has overshadowed even national security in this election. If you were in charge, what would you propose doing to help solve the crisis?

Palin: Lemonade.

CJSD: Lemonade?

Palin: Yes, I’d sell lemonade. We have plenty of it, and the markup is incredible. I would require everyone coming into the country to buy a glass of lemonade.

CJSD: How would you implement that?

Palin: If you come through customs, you buy a glass of lemonade. If you cross the border, you buy a glass of lemonade. In fact, I’d make illegal immigrants buy lemonade, too—if you pay for the lemonade, the border patrol would count to 100 before coming after you again.

CJSD: How much would you charge for the lemonade?

Palin: Between 50 cents and $25 a glass. I’m still working with my economic consultants on the pricing.

CJSD: What about job creation? Have you suggested any plans to Senator McCain?

Palin: I have. First thing is, everyone gets fired from their jobs. That would create a whole lot of jobs. Like more than ever. And then we would hire people for those jobs. Problem solved!

CJSD: What as the Senator's response?

Palin: He said he is taking it under advisement, which is just like him really considering it. Yay!

CJSD: You have described yourself as a woman of faith.

Palin: As God is my witness!

CJSD: How does your faith influence your decision making?

Palin: How doesn’t it? I get up every day and I ask Jesus what to do.

CJSD: You mean you pray?

Palin: No, I have a little statue of Jesus, playing baseball with some boys. And I say, “Baseball Jesus, what should I do today?”

CJSD: And does Jesus respond?

Palin: Only on Mondays. But he gives me my list for the week, so it’s all good, you know.

CJSD: What about evolution? Do you believe in it?

Palin: Nah.

CJSD: What about the dinosaurs? How do explain fossils?

Palin: They are the remnants of Lucifer’s battle with God, before he was cast out of the Kingdom of Heaven.

CJSD: Really?

Palin: I’m sorry, I didn’t explain that very well. I should have said “before Lucifer was cast out of the Kingdom of Heaven,” because “he” would make it sound like God was cast out of heaven. And that would be just silly.

CJSD: What about abortion? You are pro-life, but you recently said you also believe there’s a right to privacy, but that states should also be able to regulate abortion.

Palin: Yeah, I was taken out of context. But I’ve also come up with a solution. I have a plan to arm all fetuses.

CJSD: Arm them?

Palin: Yeah, give them guns. I’d require them to be medically inserted as soon as the little guys have thumbs. Mothers would still have the option to have an abortion, but the babies would have the option to exercise their Second Amendment rights and shoot their way to freedom. Everybody wins. We just have to find a way to shrink the guns.

CJSD: Finally, why do you feel John McCain should be the next president of the United States?

Palin: I’ve given this a lot of thought. I take this honor, this nomination, very seriously, so I have studied the presidency very carefully. And one thing I’ve noticed: every single president has been a white man, and most of them older. That’s what statisticians call a predictor.

CJSD: Governor Palin, thank you for talking with us.

Palin: You bet. Here, have some beaver jerky. I cured it myself.

Note for mouthbreathers: Like most things on this site, this is a work of fiction. If you're not smart enough to figure that out, go to Ted Turner and resign from CNN right now.