Special extra volatility edition!
15) Sell! Sell!
14) Buy! Buy!
13) Fuck! Fuck!
12) Turning stock options into a papier mâché noose.
11) Telling the kids they won’t be going to Harvard.
10) Telling the kids they’ll be paying their own way for community college.
9) Converting to lesbianism and making Suze Orman our sugar mama.
8) Using 401k statements as rolling papers.
7) Officially un-retiring by turning in Wal-Mart employment application.
6) Conducting insider trading so we’ll get arrested and have some place to live until the market rebounds.
5) Exchanging stocks for more stable commodities like anthrax, mustard gas, and weapons-grade uranium.
4) Popping Wall Street into the DVD player and masturbating to our wildest free market fantasies.
3) Taking down our Alan Greenspan Fathead.
2) Switching client dinners from steak tartar and coke to McRibs and crack.
1) Rubbing Henry Paulson’s head for good luck.