Special extra resolve edition!
15) Locate the gym we joined last January.
14) Watch everything we TiVo’d in 2008 by the end of 2009.
13) Read more book reviews so we’ll seem more well read.
12) Stay in Iraq until the job is done (repeat).
11) Throw off investigators by using pig Latin when discussing the illegal sale of political offices.
10) Reduce butter habit to three sticks a day.
9) Switch to decaf before some other chattering asshole gets his lips stapled shut for talking while we’re trying to get the numbers to accounting before the month end!
8) Remove all art flicks from Netflix queue so that we’ll actually watch what’s in our Netflix queue.
7) Write the first presidential memoir in pop-up book form.
6) Take a drink every time the change we deserve is changed into the compromise we expect.
5) Join Alcoholics Anonymous three days after the inauguration.
4) Vow to stay in soul-crushing dead-end job until market for ditching it all to pursue your dreams improves.
3) Stop Twittering about our boner status.
2) Write more complex, nuanced, intelligent humor instead of falling back on easy dick jokes.
1) Quit lying.