Thursday, December 04, 2008

The Skanktity of Marriage

In a very large and expensive-looking kitchen, DICK, a 50-ish man, sits at the table, reading the paper. His wife, FAITH, about 20 years his junior, sets the table.

It’ll be nice to have all the kids home for Thanksgiving, don’t you think, hon?

It’ll be better when Consuela shows up with the turkey and gets all this cooking done. I swear, supervising the help is so stressful.

DICK (grabbing her hand)
Don’t you worry your pretty blonde head, sweetheart. You manage the help much better than my other wives did.

They give each other air kisses without actually kissing. Dick turns back to the paper.

I can’t believe these homosexuals are getting so upset about this Prop 8 stuff. Thank God we voted against it.

I know. Marriage is sacred. If they started getting married, it’s like all marriages would be meaningless.

Exactly. And I don’t want our marriage to be meaningless.

There’s a knock at the back door. At the same time, the kitchen phone rings.

FAITH (walking to the back door)
I’ll get the door. It’s probably Consuela.

DICK (answering the phone)
Thanks, hon. (into the phone) Hello?

Faith opens the door. A strapping young man, DIEGO, stands in the doorway.

FAITH (startled)
Diego? (harshly whispering) What the hell are you doing here?

Mira, I cannot be away from you, seƱora. Te amo, Mrs. Faith.

DICK (looking over his shoulder as he whispers into the phone)
Barbara, why are you calling me on my home phone? What if Faith picked up? (pauses) Well, I sure as hell care if she finds out about us.

He sees Diego in the doorway. He waves.

DIEGO (waving back as he whispers to Faith)
Mira, run away with me. We can get married.

FAITH (speaking loudly)
Why, Diego, I thought I told you the pool didn’t need to be cleaned today. (To Dick) Who is that, honey?

Um, Bob Johnson. Boring work stuff. You know that Bob, never takes a day off.

They both give each other cute smiles, wrinkling their noses at each other, before turning back to their conversations.

DICK (into the phone)
Of course I care for you, Barbara. But I told you when we started this affair that I care about my marriage.

FAITH (to Diego)
Are you out of your fucking mind? Run away with you? To where, the pool house?

DICK (loudly)
Look, Bob, you’re going to have to work this out on your own. I have to go now. You have a Happy Thanksgiving.

As he hangs up the phone, a woman's voice yells through the receiver:

BARBARA (yelling through the phone)
Go to hell you son of a—

FAITH (loudly)
Now, Diego, I don’t need you to come back until Monday. Just remember, you come to work on the days Dick goes to work, comprende? You have a nice Thanksgiving.

Faith closes the door as Diego protests. She locks it and turns to Dick. They smile and cross the room to embrace.

I love you.

I love you, too.

A young man, CHASE, enters. His face is stubbly, his clothes wrinkled, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in a couple of days. On his arm is CANDY, a tan, thin woman with a giant chest and a bad red-haired dye-job. Dick and Faith turn to see him.


Hi, dad. Hi, Faith.

Who’s this?

Candy, this is my dad and my stepmom. (to Dick and Faith) Dad, Faith, this is wife!

What? You were only in Vegas for two days?

I know it’s crazy.

CANDY (chewing gum as she talks)
What can I say? I saw him while I was dancing and when he slipped a dollar into my....

CHASE (interrupting)
I saw Candy at her, um, place of employment, and after watching her in action, I fell for her. Over the next 22 hours, I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

It was fate.

Yeah, we didn’t know if we should do this, so we let the roulette wheel decide. I told Candy to pick a number...

I picked red 21 ’cause I’m 21 and my hair’s, you know, red.

FAITH (aside)
Yeah, the bottle is red.

And red 21 came up! We drove through the wedding chapel and here we are!

DICK (waits a beat with his arms crossed sternly before breaking into a smile)
Congratulations, son! (He hugs Chase.)

Dick, don’t you think this is a little sudden?

Nonsense. That’s what they said about us, honey bunny, and look how happy we are. Welcome to the family, Candy.

Thanks...Dad! (They hug.)

Another young woman, HOPE, walks into the kitchen.


Hi Mom. Hi Dick. Hi Chase. Hi...woman with Chase.

Candy, this is my stepsister, Hope. Hope, this is my wife!

Get out! I’m getting married too!

FAITH (excited)
You are?

DICK (concerned)
Who’s the guy?

HOPE (reaches into her purse)
You mean, who’s the daddy? (She pulls out a pregnancy test.)

You’re pregnant, too!

Yep. And he’s a lawyer!

Faith and Hope shriek in happiness and hug.

I don’t know, Hope, is this a good idea?

It’s fine, honey. It just like what happened with my first marriage.

DICK (relaxing)
You’re right. And you're doing the right thing by getting married. (He hugs Hope.)

Someone slams into the back door. Dick walks over and unlocks it. CHAZ, Chase’s older brother, enters.

Hi Dad, hi everyone.

The family gives Chase a series of half-hearted hellos. They don’t appear happy to see him.

I hope you don’t mind, but I brought someone with me.

DANIEL enters.

This is Daniel. My...husband.

Spouse, dear, we said we weren’t going to conform to these sexist hetero naming conventions. (To the family) Happy Thanksgiving!

The family stares with their jaws open.

Your husband?!


Yes, we just got back from Massachusetts.

The family erupts in a series of protests.

Oh my god, could you show less reverence for marriage?

Yeah, you’re making a mockery of it.

And it’s so immoral.

Chaz, how could you? I told you not to bring, and you bring your...whatever he is? I will not have the institution of marriage insulted under my own roof during Thanksgiving.

Chaz gets upset. He turns to Daniel.

I told you they wouldn’t understand. Come on, Daniel, I think Denny’s is open.

Wow, they really are just like you said.

They depart.

So appalling. Thank goodness California isn’t Massachusetts.

I know, and I’m sorry all of you had to see that. Let’s gather ’round and say a prayer, so that God will show Chaz the path to good, wholesome, committed love.

They gather around the table and bow their heads in prayer. The phone rings.

I’ll get it.

Dick leaps from the table.



rotten mcdonald said...

pegged the sarcasm meter. well done.

Jennifer said...

Good job.

ZenDenizen said...

Definitely lives up to the excellent post title.

Snag said...

Nicely done.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Great. You're sleeping with Snag and ruining this blog thing for me!

Churlita said...

Exactly. And the title is priceless.

wendy said...

Thank God for Denny's on Thanksgiving...

Great job!