Special extra big bailout edition!
11) Borrowers facing foreclosure must serve as indentured servants of Chinese investors who own their mortgages.
10) Bad credit risks can get pre-approved with qualified military enlistment.
9) Instead of being FDIC-insured, all future loans will have faith-based guarantees.
8) Board members will be chosen from winners of public Monopoly tournaments.
7) Once per year, a virgin hedge fund manager will be offered as a sacrifice.
6) Risky loan behavior will be curbed only through financial-abstinence-only education.
5) Shareholders are to be rounded up, shorn of their stock certificates, and put out to pasture.
4) High adjustable-rate mortgages may be exchanged for high-caliber weapons under new “ARMs for Arms” program.
3) All employees must wear matching question-mark suits.
2) Future CEOs must have at least one redeeming quality.
1) Taxpayers will be required to purchase their own lube.