10) Took internship in Republican Congressman's office.
9) Meant to only do anal but never learned anatomy in home school.
8) Received an urgent revelation from a different kind of burning bush.
7) See, this one time, at band camp….
6) Thought it would cause the hair to fall from our palms.
5) Wanted to get out of going to another creepy purity ball with Dad.
4) Priest promised it wouldn't count if we went to confession right after.
3) Turned 40.
2) Played Twister at the Purity Party.
1) Touched by an angel, or some guy claiming to be St. Michael.