Wednesday, December 19, 2007

First Word, One Syllable, Sounds Like Bush

Inside the White House, the Presidential and Vice Presidential families gather round a roaring fire near the Christmas tree. LAURA, JENNA, and BARBARA BUSH sit with VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY, LYNNE CHENEY, MARY CHENEY, and her partner, HEATHER POE. CONDOLEEZA RICE stands by the fire, an empty glass in her hand. PRESIDENT BUSH mans the punch bowl.

Laura Bush chain smokes while the Cheney's and Bush's make small talk. Vice President Cheney ignores them, running his index finger over a globe.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (poking at various countries on the globe)
Eenie, meenie, miny, moe, pick a target by its toe….

PRESIDENT BUSH (holding up punch ladle)
Who wants more of my Bunch?

MARY (waving empty glass and slurring)
I do, I do!

HEATHER
(To Mary) I think you've had enough. (To Bush) Mr. President, no more punch for her.

PRESIDENT BUSH
It's "Bunch," dear.

HEATHER
Bunch?

PRESIDENT BUSH
That's an abbreviational for "Bush punch." It's a special Bush recipe.

POE
What makes it so special?

PRESIDENT BUSH (smirking)
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Tell her, tell her!

LYNNE
Dick!

PRESIDENT BUSH
(To himself) Heh-heh-heh, that never gets old. (To Rice) Condi, I know you want some.

CONDI (slurring with inebriation)
Sssure. And make mine extra ssspecial

PRESIDENT BUSH
Two extra specials coming up.

When no one is looking, President Bush holds his wrist above the cup and presses a cufflink. Brown liquor pours out from under his shirt cuff into the cups. He ladles a small amount of punch into the glasses. As he turns to give Condi her glass, a large, bottle shaped hump appears under the back of his suit coat.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Bottoms up!

As President Bush goes to drink, Condi hooks her drinking arm around his, pulling herself in close to the President.

CONDI
Is that a direct order, sssir?

Laura gives Condi a stare.

LAURA (overly cheerful)
Condi, I am surprised you're not spending Christmas with your family?

CONDI (draining her Bunch in one gulp first)
I don't have any family.

LAURA
Oh, that's right! I'm the one with the children and the husband. (She exhales smoke in Condi's direction.)

LYNNE (clears throat)
Say, what about a game of charades?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (under breath)
Lord, give me another heart attack now.

PRESIDENT BUSH
That sound like fun! I want to be Sonny Bono.

LAURA
No, dear, not Cher-ades. Cha-rades, where you have to guess the word.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I knew that. Okay, okay, let me go first.

President Bush motions for one word, one syllable. Before he does anything, Cheney guesses.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Poop.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh-heh, how'd you know, Dick? Heh-

Vice President Cheney raises a finger and makes a throat slashing gesture at the President. Bush's last heh-hehs get cut off.

PRESIDENT BUSH (swallowing hard)
Mary, why don't you go?

MARY (finishing her Bunch)
Ummm, okay.

She motions for four words, first word, one syllable. While looking at Jenna, Mary points to her own eye.

JENNA
Eye…(Mary claps)…oh, I! I guessed right. (To Barbara) I'm winning!

Barbara rolls her eyes. Mary motions for the second word, one syllable, and strikes The Thinker pose.

JENNA
I…sit on the toilet?

PRESIDENT BUSH
I poop!

BARBARA
I think.

Mary claps and motions for the third word. She gestures for third word, two syllables. She points to Jenna.

JENNA
Me? I think me?

BARBARA (sighing)
I think Jenna.

JENNA
What? What do I think?

Mary motions for the fourth word, one syllable. She waves her hand like she's fanning herself.

PRESIDENT BUSH
I think Jenna waves. What the heck does that mean?

BARBARA
It's "hot."

Heather stands up.

HEATHER
You think Jenna's hot? How could you?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Probably because you look like K.D. Lang.

Heather runs out of the room. Mary runs after her. There's a pause before Jenna turns to Barbara.

JENNA
In your face, Barbara! Mary thinks I'm hot.

BARBARA
You know, what, Jenna? Why don't you….

LAURA
Girls? You promised.

BARBARA (waits a beat, then smiles)
You're right, mother. Here, I've got one.

Barbara stands up and indicates one word, one syllable. She cups her ear.

LAURA
Sounds like…

Barbara makes a spanking motion.

LAURA
Sounds like, "spank."

Barbara then points to Jenna.

LAURA
Um, drank, prank…

CONDI
Ssskank!

Barbara claps. Laura stands up and throws her cigarette on the floor.

LAURA (to Condi)
Don't you talk to my daughter like that, you helmet-haired hussie!

CONDI
What's your bony-ass, cancer sucking, Stepford ass going to do about it?

Laura lunges at Condi and pulls at her hair. Jenna shoves Barbara as well.

JENNA
I'm not a skank. You're just jealous because I'm Mary Cheney's favorite Bush.

BARBARA
I'll bet you are.

Jenna gets a confused look for a moment, then makes an angry face. She lunges at Barbara and they go tumbling to the floor.

The four women fight for a moment, eventually spilling out of the room and out of sight.

LYNNE
Shouldn't somebody do something?

PRESIDENT BUSH (pouring himself more Bunch)
Oh, the Secret Service should stop them before anyone gets seriously hurt. Come on, let's keep playing.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
You want to play charades, George? Okay, here's one for you.

Cheney stands up and signals three words, first words, two syllables. He points to his eye.

PRESIDENT BUSH
See…sight…blind…Stevie Wonder!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Christ on a crutch!

PRESIDENT BUSH
That's more than one syllababel.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's "I," you chimp.

He motions for second word, one syllable. Cheney starts running in place.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Trotting…jogging…Jim Fixx…heart attack…Oh my God, are you having a heart attack?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
For God's sake, it's "Iran."

PRESIDENT BUSH
Oh, right. I was going to guess that.

Cheney motions for the third word, two syllables. He extends his arms and runs around the room, making jet engine and bombing noises.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Flying…Jets…Wings…Paul McCartney…Baby, I'm Amazed…Baby Fishmouth.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
It's Iran Airstrike! It's the same fucking clue I've been giving you for the last two years, you goddamned smirking buttfaced mouthbreathing….

He stops and grabs his heart.

PRESIDENT BUSH (excited)
Wait, I know this one: heart attack!

LYNNE (standing up, nonplussed)
No, he's just having some chest pains. He needs to take a time out and relax a bit. (She takes the Vice President's hand.) Come, dear, think happy thoughts. Unilateral military action…executive privilege…the presidential line of succession.

She leads the Vice President out of the room. Bush stands alone for a moment, then triggers his cufflink and fills his glass with booze, not even bothering to add punch before drinking.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Heh-heh, poop.

12 comments:

Churlita said...

I'll just say it again...I hope you're submitting this stuff somewhere.

Jennifer said...

Baby fishmouth. :)

Brendan said...

Laughed out loud at:

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY (under breath)
Lord, give me another heart attack now.


Great stuff!

The Uncanny Canadian said...

Wow, it's like I'm right there at the party. I think it was very generous of you to edit out the swears.

Kathleen said...

pitch perfect. Want more baby fishmouth!

Distributorcap said...

who needs tho writers on strike

can i hire you!

that was so frigging funny --- my cat couldnt believe how hard i was laughing.

JENNA
I'm not a skank. You're just jealous because I'm Mary Cheney's favorite Bush.

BARBARA
I'll bet you are


ROFLMAO ---- too funny......

i can't wait to Laura, Babs The Impaler (mom) and Lynne all go on Jeopardy

fish said...

baby fishmouth better not be an insult...

kirby said...

Author... Author!!!!!

That was awesome!

Grendel said...

That's hilarious stuff, my friend.

btw, my Blogger verification word is "gwson"

fish said...

Brando, you should totally send this to Jon Swift. He is aggregating people's favorite posts and this one is just great.

almostinfamous said...

HEATHER
You think Jenna's hot? How could you?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Probably because you look like K.D. Lang.


BWAHAHAHAHAH!!

i cant believe how much material Cheney provides.

Brando said...

Glad you guys dug the sketch. I had a lot of fun writing this one. Fish, I'll have to check out the always excellent Mr. Swift and send him this (or something else).