Friday, December 21, 2007

No Cookies for Old Men

Author's note: Some of the bloggers circled around Circle Jerk at the Square Dance have been engaged in a holiday baking contest. If you have not been involved in the contest or reading the posts, the following is probably not going to make a lot of sense. I apologize for that. In short, this baking contest goes back a couple years, and each year there are boasts, insults, allegations of cheating, sulking, and occasional bursts of goodwill toward the fellow bakers. The links spread throughout may help explain the story. Also, if you haven't seen No Country for Old Men, you may want to watch the trailer first.


On screen:
A FILM BY JOEL AND ETHAN COBAG

On screen:
BASED ON THE BLOG POST BY ADORABLE GIRLFRIEND

In a large, darkened mansion, a pair of fashionable black pumps creep up a flight of stairs. A woman, her face unseen, ascends the wide staircase. She holds a menacing, four-foot tube of cookie dough with a dispenser attached to it. Reaching the top, she enters a bedroom. She comes upon a sleeping man, THE SKIMMER, and wakes him up. The camera pulls back and we see it is BLUE GIRL. She extends a cookie to him.


BLUE GIRL
I need you to call this: yummy or yuck?

SKIMMER
It's one in the morning!

BLUE GIRL
I know. Just call it.

SKIMMER
I need to know what I stand to win.

BLUE GIRL
Everything.

The following words appear on a black screen:
IN A COOKIE CONTEST, YOU CAN BAKE ANYTHING

Inside a log cabin, The Lovely Becky enters, carrying a box. She walks past Brando.

BRANDO
What's in the box, TLB?

TLB
Cookies.

BRANDO
Just cookies?

TLB gives Brando a serious look but says nothing. She takes the large box out of sight.

On screen:
BUT EVERY COOKIE

In a kitchen, JENNIFER and THE UNCANNY CANADIAN look at a mess of crushed boxes and crumbled cookies.

UNCANNY CANADIAN
It's a mess, isn't it, Queen Jennifer?

On screen:
LEAVES A TRAIL OF CRUMBS

JENNIFER
If it ain't a mess, it'll do 'til the mess arrives. (A doorbell rings). Speaking of messes, that must be Kathleen's entry.

In an office, RES PUBLICA sits talking to CHUCKLES.

RES
Are you sure you can win this, Chuckles? Because I can't enter, and that cheater has to be stopped.

CHUCKLES
You leave it to me. But do her cookies really taste that bad?

RES
Compared to what? The bubonic plague?

A series of scenes follow in quick succession:

Blue Girl walks away from a box of shortbread as it explodes.

Blue Girl runs her car over a box that says "Mandos."

Blue Girl wrestles a faceless man in red track suit. As his feet kick wildly on the kitchen floor, we see a pair of egg beaters slowly coming to a stop.

The Uncanny Canadian opens a box and pulls up a red track suit top. It's covered with green cookie dough.

UNCANNY CANDIAN
We got a real loose cannon here. Do you think that TLB has any idea of the sort of baker that's on her?

JENNIFER
She's seen the same things I've seen and it certainly has made an impression on me.

Brando sits on a bus.

BRANDO
Becky, I'm scared.

TLB
Jesus Christ, do I always have to be the one that wears the pants?

Jennifer stands in the Brando/TLB log cabin, which is splattered with green dough.

JENNIFER
It's an all-out war.

In his kitchen, Chuckles sits facing Blue Girl. She raises her dough dispenser to his mouth.

BLUE GIRL
If the recipe you followed brought you to this, what good is the recipe?

TLB stands in her kitchen, covered in flour.

TLB
What is Blue Girl, the ultimate badass baker?

CHUCKLES
You have no idea what she will do to win.

Blue Girl bursts into Res's office, carrying her giant tube of dough. His eyes widen in horror as he sees her dough tube: it reads "Pillsbury."

RES
I knew it!

Blue Girl sits across from Brando. She holds a cookie for him to taste.

BLUE GIRL
Call it.

On screen:
NO COOKIES FOR OLD MEN

DECEMBER 2007

12 comments:

Pinko Punko said...

Fucking A! A for effort and awesome, but it's so so so dark...and the villain is relentless. I smell play-doh flavored OSCAR.

blue girl said...

Nice post.

Friend-o.

blue girl said...

I love that PP used the "F" word at Christmas!

Joy to the world!

Jennifer said...

Nice work, Brando! I added it over at judging central.

almostinfamous said...

i would clap, but i'm too busy laughing!

that whole thing was awesome. is this the teaser for the sketch you sent jennifeR?

Brando said...

AIF, this is unrelated to what I sent Jennifer. That was a full-length TV script that's too long to post in blog form. It's a special collector's item for the judges. I wanted to write a cookie contest sketch, and I had thought about doing something about No Country. After I read BG's post about midnight baking, it just popped into my head.

Friend-o

Blue Gir, that made me LOL and shudder at the same time! I am glad you have a sense of humor about being portrayed as the scariest person on screen this year. Hey, why is the lock from my door missing...?

Churlita said...

So awesome. It included all my favorite lines from the movie, plus bloggers, plus cookies. What more could a girl ask for?

fish said...

Bra-vo, Bran-dough

Kathleen said...

Awesome. I was laughing from "in a large, darkened mansion"

The Uncanny Canadian said...

Awesome stuff, Brando. The true terror of the cookie is that it has no morality and knows no boundaries. I can't wait to read the followup: Before the cookie knows you've crumbled.

Snag said...

The Coen brothers grew up not far from me. There were cookies and blood in our lives. There are cookies and blood still. I do not think you want to win this contest.

Res Publica said...

This is, without question, the best bake-off-related post EVER WRITTEN on ANY of the many tubes that make up this here Internet.