Bush: US Must Win the War on Truth

Calls Facts "bad for US foreign policy"; Proposes 50% reduction in Veracity by 2009.

WASHINGTON – Responding to a National Intelligence Estimate that said that Iran's nuclear weapons program had stopped in 2003, President Bush announced at a press conference that the United States could no longer tolerate the actions of Truth.

"After the NIE report was released," the President began, "Iranian President Mahmoud Almondjoyjihad said that this report is a victory for Iran. Well, any victory for Iran is a victory for terrorism. Which means that Truth supports terrorism. And you're either with us or against us, so that means Truth is against us.

"I will not stand by and let Truth dismantle all that this administration is trying to accomplish."

The administration has had an uneasy relationship with Truth since the beginning of the Bush presidency, when the dispute over the electoral returns in Florida in 2000 threw the presidential election into chaos. Since then, Truth has often been at odds over a number of Bush policies: the impact of tax cuts on the deficit, the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq as justification for invasion, the use of torture on detainees in the War on Terror, and the White House's assertion that old people and puppies were safe around the Vice President.

Critics of the administration have long said that the White House should embrace Truth. However, the Bush administration instead signed a treaty with Deceit, making it difficult to reach an accommodation with Truth.

At the press conference, the President made it clear that the relationship with Truth had reached a breaking point. "We tried to compromise with Truth," Bush said. "We were open to giving Truth some concessions, but it's all or nothing with Truth. For example, we tried to say that just because Iran isn't developing nookular weapons doesn't mean Iran isn't developing nukes. But that's not good enough for Truth and all the facthuggers out there. So we have no choice but to declare War on Truth."

The President then unveiled a new diagram labeling Truth, Facts, Reason, and Logic as the "Rhombus of Inconvenience." President Bush described it as "a parallelogram to the Axis of Evil."

He added, "I named that one myself. I was pretty good at geography."

During the question an answer period, reporter Helen Thomas asked that if the President was declaring a War on Truth, "wouldn't the White House actually lie about being at war with Truth?"

"But I'm telling the truth," the President answered.

"But how can we be sure of that if you're at war with Truth?" Thomas asked.

The President blinked for thirty seconds, and responded, "Boy, my head hasn't hurt much since the second Back to the Future movie. I guess I have to say that the American people should just trust me."