Interview excerpts from the new Bush biography

This week, Robert Draper's Dead Certain: The Presidency of George W. Bush was released. The book revealed a number of unknown facts about the president, including that his desk is damp with tears. Here are a few other excerpts from Draper's interviews with the president.

On the Vice President
"I had a hard time calling the Vice President 'Dick.' Heh heh, there's two funny words in that sentence. Whenever I said his name, I would giggle, and he would get mad at me like dad always did in church when they would say not to covet your neighbor’s ass. Heh, heh. At first I tried calling the Vice President 'D.C.' But then I’d ask where D.C. was, and the staff would look at me like I had two heads. Which would be cool, to have two heads. Could get twice as much thinking done. Anyway, it took a year but then I figured out why the 'D.C.' thing caused confusion.

"So I tried to associate 'Dick' with a word that doesn't make me laugh. I tried 'Duck.' I would say 'Dick,' but think 'Duck,' and that would keep me from laughing. But I said 'Duck.' And this was right after 9/11, so Dick hit the floor of the Oval Office. That made me laugh harder than when I called him 'Dick.' So I just call him 'Dick' now. I finally stopped laughing at it around the 2004 election."

On homosexuality
"Sometimes I envy gay guys. I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Having a wife and two daughters, there are times when I think it would be heaven to be surrounded by men. I think of all those hands, wrapped around thick branches, pulling hard until that pesky brush gives way. Who couldn’t use some of that? But then the icky thoughts come. That’s why we can’t have gay marriage. "

On sobriety
"When do I miss drinking? Hell, when don’t I miss drinking? I can smell that whiskey you had for lunch. Oh, you had a Jack and Coke two weeks ago? Must be that sesame deprivation, makes me smell harder. Heh, heh.

"The first thing I’m going to do when I’m done presidenting is fall on the wagon. No, it’s not fall off the wagon. The wagon is what takes you to the bar."

On Iraq
"Why Iraq? Because we couldn’t attack France. I’m just kidding, I love that long bagel bread they make. Seriously, we had to attack Iraq because…hold on…boy, PowerPoint takes a long time to load, don’t it? Okay, we had to attack Iraq because they had WMD. Aw, crap, this is the old file. Uh, it was, uh, Manifest Destiny."

On Europe
"Everybody says we should be more like the Europeans. Well, what have they ever done?"

On bipartisanship
I could get so much more done if the Democrats would stop bothering me. Imagine if I was always over your shoulder, telling you what you can and can’t write. Now replace 'over your shoulder' with 'fulfilling my legal obligations as elected representatives of the people,' and 'telling you what you can and can’t write' with 'what is and what isn’t illegal.' Pretty annoying, ain't it."

On elocutionableness
"People like to make fun of my speeching, and you know what, that's okay with me. I didn't get elected for my good looks."

On being sad
"I cry every day. But not because of my job. No, somebody signed me up for these Google Alerts, so I see all the mean stuff people say about me. I cry when I read search hits from george bush douchebag and bush monkeyfaced fucktard. That hurts more than people think, and I don't even know what fucktard means. I’m not made of stone. Am I? No, you’re right, it’s bone. Always had a problem with rhymes.

"You know what hurts even more? When I have the Secret Service track down who writes that stuff. I don’t want to do it, and I wouldn’t have to if they would just write things like george bush swell guy. I wish we could live by what Martin Luther King once said: 'Can’t we all just get along?'"

On reaching your dreams
"I am living proof that if you work hard and learn from your mistakes, you’ll get ahead.

"Had you going, didn’t I? Heh heh heh!"