10) Illegal cryogenic facility with half-frozen head of Walt Disney.
9) Half-empty vial of Holy Spirit (may cause seizures).
8) A bunch of hypodermic needles scratching Hank Aaron’s broken record.
7) Secret copy of the Zapruder film showing JFK being shot by Waldo.
6) iPhone with YouTube clip of us filming dog fights while also conducting phone interview saying we’ve never been to a dog fight.
5) A dozen 9mm handguns, a fifth of Jack Daniels, and a box of porn, all perfectly legal. Sorry to have bothered you...wait a minute, what’s this? An ounce of weed, downloaded MP3s, and a gay marriage license? Up against the wall, pal!
4) What was left of Billy Bob and the dipping sauce.
3) Why nothing? Nothing at all! We haven’t been anywhere near your house! Why would you even think such a thing? It’s the blue one on the corner, right?
2) Internet tubes totally clogged with a truckload of bribes.
1) Nothing a call to the Vice President can’t fix.