6:17 a.m. Wake up from a hot dream involving Lynnie Englund, nipple clamps, a Sears Die Hard battery, and a Super Soaker.
6:18 a.m. Change shorts.
7:02 a.m. Down Irish coffee and Percocet
7:30 a.m. Take call from New York Times about resignation letter surfacing.
7:34 a.m. Deny writing resignation letter.
7:35 a.m. Deny having ever served as Secretary of Defense.
8:33 a.m. Call cable customer service about a mistake on the bill.
8:34 a.m. Assure "Dave" that pay-per-view order of Back Door Nurses 7, 8, and 9 was a mistake.
8:35 a.m. Explain to Dave that it pretty goddamned easy to keep making the same mistake over and over again.
8:43 a.m. Call NSA to get transcripts on Dave.
8:51 a.m. Call Dave and read pages 2, 3, and 12.
8:52 a.m. Thank Dave for removing the charge.
8:53 a.m. Order pay-per-view of Boobies of Mass D-Cuption 4.
9:57 a.m. Confirm next week’s hunting trip with Vice President Cheney.
10: 11 a.m. Fetch quarry for hunt by setting out food over Drifter Pits near railroad tracks.
10:30 a.m. Work on memoir chapter, “I Was Right on Iraq.”
11:30 a.m. Check CNN to see if right on Iraq yet.
11:33 a.m. Smash television.
11:55 a.m. Head out for outdoor cookout to welcome Rove into the Bush Whacked Club.
12: 13 p.m. Stop man for directions to nearest grocery store.
12: 14 p.m. Refuse to believe he doesn’t know where nearest grocery store is.
12:58 p.m. Finally believe he doesn’t know after he loses consciousness. Close car trunk.
1:07 p.m. Drop man off near county hospital. Leave message on his forehead that reads, “Die, honky! -- Sincerely, Nation of Islam.”
1:11: p.m. Down Mountain Dew and Percocet.
1:15 p.m. Argue with grocery store clerk that he did in fact receive a $20 bill. Inquire as to his registration status with selective service.
1:17 p.m. Pocket change from a $20 bill and original $20 bill.
1:29 p.m. Apologize to Bush Whacked Club for being late. Act surprised when they point to blood on shirt. Recite deer cover story.
1:31 p.m. Insist that one package of wieners should be more than enough to pacify the hunger of three dozen people.
1:40 p.m. Put Rove into headlock until he agrees that he’s not hungry any more.
3:45 p.m. On the way home, stop at Department of Defense. Remember not to wear DoD letterman jacket this time.
3: 49 p.m. Burst into Robert Gates’s office and suggest another hiding spot for Iraqi WMD: Barack Obama's backyard.
3:50 p.m. Awkward silence.
3:57 p.m. Down Percocet and Percocet.
6:34 p.m. Wake up on doorstep again. Curse self for still wearing DoD letterman jacket.
7:00 p.m. Check TV about being right about Iraq.
7:01 p.m. Wonder how television got smashed in.
7:20 p.m. Return TV to Best Buy. Argue with clerk that the television has been broken since it was delivered four years ago, but have been too busy to return it.
7:30 p.m. Drive home with new television.
8:03 p.m. Notice still not right about Iraq.
8:12 p.m. Begin new chapter of memoir, “Why Being Right About Iraq Is Overrated.”
11:35 p.m. Grab G.I. Joe doll and head to bed.
11:57 p.m. See faces of thousands of soldiers asking why they were sacrificed for an enormous lie.
11:59 p.m. Down warm milk and Percocet.