Special supersized edition!
13) Rapid advances in cheese-to-dough delivery systems.
12) Day-to-day food pyramid is more éclair shaped.
11) All these illegal immigrants willing to eat half of what Americans do.
10) Dannon’s new bacon-on-the-bottom yogurt.
9) Climbing rates of telekinesis.
8) School cafeterias replaced by rows of Pez dispensers.
7) Thought we had been going to the gym, but turns out it was our Second Life selves.
6) Coco Puffs gateway to much more cuckoo breakfast cereals.
5) Forced by General Tso to march to buffet for more of his chicken.
4) Scarfing whole Meat Lover’s pizzas just to spite snooty vegan sister.
3) Divine punishment for ancestors’ support of slavery.
2) Hollywood’s constant portrayal of obesity as glamorous and chic…no wait, it’s the jumbo popcorn with extra butter and a gallon of Mountain Dew for just a quarter more.
1) Would find out if it didn’t require getting off the couch.