One of the reasons I begat Circle Jerk at the Square Dance is because I start making jokes the minute I wake up. My eyes pop open and, most mornings, the zingers start coming. I used to direct these toward a blurry-eyed TLB. The exchange usually went something like this:
Me: Hey, have you ever noticed that George Bush is like Spalding from Caddyshack? "I want a tax cut. No, I want a Supreme Court justice. No, I want a pro-American Democracy in the Middle East."
TLB: (looks at clock, looks at me, raises pillow, lowers pillow over my face)
Me: (muffled) Hey, what’s the deal with flannel sheets? Do all the other sheets look at them and go, “They’re so grunge”?
TLB: (applies more pressure)
The other night, I had a dream I was playing drums with my friend and Hold Steady compatriot, Bob Hillman. Bob is a musician, and he and I were playing some of his songs in a small club. In the dream, I flailed away, trying to be flashy but making a cacophonic racket that distracted from Bob’s very catchy tunes. Bob stopped playing and made a joke about my ineptitude, something like, “In case you haven’t noticed, he’s new.”
I slowed down and started playing a very simple beat, almost like a metronome. I leaned into my microphone and said, “Don’t worry, I’m just going to Meg White it back here.”
While certainly not my best line, it is the first time I have ever attempted a joke in my sleep. I’m not sure if I should be happy or very concerned. Especially if I start talking in my sleep...they might find me with a pillow over my face and TLB playing back the tape recorder to show it was justified.