Special extended post-traumatic stress syndrome edition!
12) Won’t know until we read the police report
11) Drove from second stepdad’s house to first stepmom’s apartment to second stepmom’s condo and finally to first stepdad’s strip club
10) Put the “tongue” in “kissing cousins”
9) Shot eye out
8) Contemplated suicide until delusional, effeminate, homeless stranger convinced us our life was at least more wonderful than his.
7) Watched grandma show us her newest tattoo
6) Performed our traditional belched rendition of “O Holy Night”
5) Guarded apple pie from very excitable pubescent nephew
4) Started a pool to guess how long sister’s new boyfriend had been out on parole
3) Drowned brother in gravy boat after he showed up with our ex-wife
2) Still in the closet
1) As always, without pants