What kind of conservative blogger are you?

Recently, conservative bloggers from around the Internet have banded together to form Open SoresSource Media (OSM), the largest collection of Bush lovers since Lilith Fair. They recently had a launch party in New York City:

OSM founders Charles Johnson (standing) of Little Green Footballs and Roger L. Simon welcome two new bloggers.

OSM plans to be a big virtual tent, like a circus with less lions and more clowns. But not just any clowns, clowns from across the political spectrum:

From academics, professionals and decorated experts, to ordinary citizens sitting around the house opining in their pajamas, our community of bloggers are among the most widely read and influential citizen journalists out there, and our roster will be expanding daily.

Before you grab your keyboard and tinfoil hat, it’s a good idea to find out if you’re the right kind of citizen journalist OSM is looking for. After all, you could be a poser from Daily Kos or a very bored Al Gore. So take this quiz to find out what kind of conservative blogger you are. Remember, there are no wrong answers, only “right” ones!

1. You are:
a) A minority.
b) White.
c) A minority that wishes you were white and hates other minorities more than most white people.

2. How would you describe your relationship with Jesus?
a) Strong but private. I will discuss my religion openly but respect the beliefs of others.
b) Almost as close as my relationship with my accountant.
c) Like my T-shirt says, “Jesus is my homeboy.”

3. How do you earn a living?
a) Salary
b) Trust fund
c) Allowance

4. How would you describe your blogging philosophy?
a) Try to understand both sides of an issue so you can make a stronger argument.
b) Accentuate the latest GOP talking points with words like "indeed."
c) Deflect criticism by discussing Michael Moore’s waistline.

5. You drive by a terrible car accident and see Ted Kennedy lying face down in a pool of water. What do you do?
a) Stop, drag him out and give him CPR. After all, we're all human.
b) Don’t stop but do call for help from the On-Star system in your Hummer.
c) Stop, pull down his pants, and write “Remember Chappaquiddick” on each butt cheek.

Imagine you and the State of Israel are on a date. You:
a) Buy dinner and ask Israel to be a little nicer to the Palestinian girl no one likes.
b) Buy dinner and then ask for a blowjob from Israel in return.
c) Beg to give Israel a blowjob under the dinner table.

7. When you see a picture of Bill Clinton, you:
a) Shake your head at how he let his personal vices taint the White House.
b) Wail and gnash your teeth thinking about how he gave your hard-earned money to ungrateful minorities.
c) Recite all the people he and Hillary had MURDERED and demand to know WHY THE MEDIA ISN’T TALKING ABOUT THIS?

8. You’re out Christmas shopping and a clerk wishes you “Happy Holidays.” How do you respond?
a) Smile and say, “Merry Christmas.”
b) Frown and growl, “Merry Christmas.”
c) Radio in the coordinates of the store to Bill O’Reilly so he can call in an air strike.

9. George Bush is:
a) A good man who has unfortunately made some missteps.
b) A good man who could have avoided those missteps if those pesky Democratic Congressmen would stop exercising their Constitutional authority.
c) Jesus’s homeboy.

10. Capitalism:
a) Is the economic system of all free people.
b) Is your Viagra.
c) Is mandated by the New Testament. Seriously.

11. Church and state should be:
a) Allowed to co-exist peacefully, each respecting the rights of the other.
b) Finishing each other’s sentences like a married couple.
c) Stuck together like dogs in heat.

12. Arabs should:
a) Be more cooperative with Americans so that peace will flourish in the Middle East.
b) Not take collateral damage so personally.
c) Be glowing in the dark from the fallout.

13. Torture is:
a) Something that makes America look bad.
b) No worse than your fraternity hazing.
c) Arousing.

14. How would you describe your views on abortion?
a) It’s wrong, but is a personal decision and should be legal.
b) It’s wrong and should be illegal, despite its theoretical potential to lower black crime rates.
c) It’s wrong and should be illegal, but hopefully that won’t happen because it’s the source of your side’s political power.

15. Homosexual marriage:
a) Is an issue best left to the states and not worthy of a Constitutional amendment.
b) Is a great way to distract voters from real issues.
c) Makes you think of hot, sweaty, throbbing gay sex...which is WRONG because it’s sooo naughty and makes it REALLY HARD for you to have sex with your wife. That's why we need a Constitutional amendment.

16. The War on Terror is:
a) A tough, hard slog.
b) Necessary to keep gas under $3.00 a gallon.
c) Necessary to bring about the Tribulation.

17. Iraq’s actual WMD program:
a) Was not advanced, but also not the main motivation for the invasion.
b) Was the best thing that ever happened to your Halliburton options.
c) Was moved to Syria on some kind of Russian-made stealth camel.

18. Gun control legislation:
a) Would violate the Second Amendment.
b) Would just encourage minorities to commit more crimes.
c) Would make it harder to form private militias for the purpose of shooting Mexicans crossing the border.

19. Terri Shaivo:
a) Was used as political pawn by the right-to-die crowd.
b) Never would have been in trouble if her portfolio had contained more tobacco stocks.
c) Was struck down by God to make a point about the sanctity of life.

20. The deficit:
a) Needs to be addressed.
b) Could be fixed by eliminating welfare, social security, and all the other programs that help people not starve to death.
c) Is not nearly as important as preventing beefy, muscled, girthy homos from sodomizing each other. Repeatedly, and in large groups. While you are forced to watch.

SCORING

Give yourself the following score for each answer:
a=1
b=2
c=3

CLASSIFCATION

20-25 Vichy French
Why don’t you take your rational, intelligent, bi-partisan demeanor and go fuck yourself?

26-40 Compassionate Conservative
What is this, an election year? You need less Luke and more Leviticus.

41-55 Capital Con
You like your bottom line black and your friends white. Not only do you believe you should teach a man how to fish so he can eat for life, but that you should make a tidy profit on the pole and tackle. Please join us in the OSM BLOGJAM.

56+ True Believer
You won't get left behind. You’ve got the Holy Trinity of the Ten Commandments, tax cuts, and terrorist torture on your side. Compromise is for the weak, and weakness is a sin, so praise the Lord, pass the ammunition, and plug that feeding tube back in. When can you start writing for us?

And don't worry, vivid fantasies of hot gay sex are only sinful if you’re on top.

Vice President Cheney suspended without pay

White House organization cites "conduct detrimental to the team"; Vice President expected to be released

WASHINGTON - Years after forming an improbably successful tandem, the White House and Vice President Dick Cheney appear to be parting ways.

"As of right now, Vice President Cheney has been suspended from the organization," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "We will be evaluating whether we will honor his contract for the remainder of his term.

"I know you'll have further questions," McClellan added, "and I will do my best to not answer them."

Two incidents triggered the dramatic action by the White House. During a cabinet meeting last week, Cheney got into a physical confrontation with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, telling the secretary that, "I never should have let a Brillcreemed Princeton Greco-Roman ass grappler run my fucking war." The White House denies that the Vice President said, "Princeton."

Two days later, Cheney suggested during an interview that John McCain would be a better President than George W. Bush. "McCain is a warrior. I feel like, with him being knowledgeable about the Presidential situation, we’d have a better record than we do right now."

Analysts say that was the final straw.

"Time and time again, the White House has said, 'you bad mouth President Bush, you're a traitor,'" said commentator and former Clinton staffer George Stephanopoulos, speaking from his home in Smurf Village. "This suspension sends a message that the policy of blind loyalty to Bush applies to everyone, even a star player like Cheney."

When reached for comment, the Vice President threw a shoe at reporters while making obscene gestures.

The McCain comment and Rumsfeld scuffle were the latest in a long line of problems between Cheney and Bush. During the investigation into the Valerie Plame CIA-identities-for-fun scandal, Cheney was criticized by Bush for throwing his chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, under a bus. Cheney allegedly remarked, "Look here, flyboy, if I need to, I'll throw you under there, and your little dog too."

In recent months, the Vice President had also quarreled with Bush over his nomination of Harriet Miers and the slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina. Cheney was especially incensed when the President failed to implement his suggestion to invade New Orleans and imprison its citizens before the hurricane could strike.

The Vice President had his own missteps as well. He has been roundly critcized for drawing up an Iraq gameplan that took the liberation for granted, as well as for disappearing during key moments when his team really needed him. Several other officials in the White House, speaking anonymously, have come forward and described him as arrogant, profane, power-mad, and "downright creepy, especially in the White House showers."

Cheney's suspension and probable release ends what had been a surprisingly successful partnership between two men who couldn't be more different. Bush brought the ability to smile, while Cheney offered more political experience, an encyclopedic knowledge of world leaders he hoped to have assassinated, and the ability to circumvent the democratic process when needed.

If the White House lets Cheney go, analysts say another administration is unlikely to pick him up. "He’s too much of an Oval Office cancer at this point," said Joe Scarborough from the payphone that serves as his MSNBC office. "He’s the kind of guy who won't just stab you in the back, he'll send you a candygram that says, ‘hi, I'm about to stab you in the back,’ right before you feel the hot fire of steel between your ribs. Hold on, someone just handed me a candygram."

President Bush, after being informed of the White House's decision, was diplomatic. “I wouldn’t be where I am today without Dick Cheney, and I wish him well. But now it's time to look forward. Specifically, I look forward to not looking behind me when I shower in the White House."

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are our approval ratings plummeting?

Special stuck in meetings all day edition!

10) Accomplished mission of starting a long, poorly planned, unpopular war.
9) Accused of being incontinent or something.
8) Had a surefire way to win over the 18-25 male demographic, but Jenna refused to do the butt dance during State of the Union.
7) Nation dying to wipe that fucking smirk off our face.
6) Spending money like a drunken Naval Reservist.
5) Inherited dad’s male pattern approval rating.
4) Just the mere mention of our name gets people thrown out of office.
3) Made mistake of expanding not-liking-black-people policy to include Hispanics that don't want to mow our lawns, guys like Ken Mehlman, women who don't want their reproductive rights fisted by the long arm of the law, and the other half of America that didn't vote for us.
2) Our right-hand man is a giant Dick.
1) The liberal media just makes those numbers up. Now shut up and hand us that fiddle.

I Should Have Designed You More Intelligently

A CJSD guest editorial by Yahweh

This week, the Kansas Board of Education decided to openly question the Darwinian theory of evolution. It’s one of many battles taking place in America, as a vocal group of Christians seek to push creationism into science classes. They believe that it is wrong to teach children anything that might contradict what’s written in the book of Genesis.

While many have been shocked by these developments, I knew this would happen from Day One. I hoped it wouldn’t. I hoped that maybe, just once, I would be wrong. I would have prayed, except that’s like talking to myself. But it has come to pass. In the end, I can’t blame you. The buck, as they say, stops here. I should have designed you more intelligently.

So I’m here to set the record straight.

When I first started speaking to the ancient Hebrews, telling them how the world began, I was trying to not freak them out. They were a simple people—herding goats, picking berries, and sending soldiers into battle to die so they could sleep with their wives. They weren’t ready to hear about the Big Bang, quantum physics, atoms, amino acids, and chemical reactions. Remember, I had to tell them what to eat so they wouldn’t get food poisoning. Explaining how humans were the end result of billions of years of genetic mutations and natural selection would have confused the heck out of them and sent them running toward the nearest golden calf.

Instead, I gave them the Cliff’s Notes. Over the course of creating the universe, I had some down time, polishing nebulae, adding salt to the oceans, putting bacteria in the Petri dish you call Earth. That’s the unsexy, blue collar side of being a deity, and it makes for boring reading. However, if I touched on the main points but said it took billions of years, I would sound like a pretty lazy God. So I condensed the timeline, too, editing out the tinkering and tweaking to create a six-day creation highlight reel. I knew that, when the time was right, scientists like Copernicus, Darwin, and Einstein would start to figure things out and work in the details.

What I didn’t count on was how powerful I made stupid. The secret to creating a successful universe is balance. Everything needs an opposite to keep things in check: good and evil, protons and electrons, arousal and marriage. When I created intelligence, I naturally created stupidity, because intelligence without stupidity tends to make people snooty and obnoxious.

Intelligence, however, is like the cheetah. It’s very fast, very powerful, and very impressive, but at the same time, it needs just the right environment to survive and thrive. Stupidity is like the roach, powerless in isolation, but resistant to change and able to breed at a phenomenal rate. The worse the conditions, the faster it spreads.

What’s happening now is that some of my followers are clear-cutting the intelligence cheetah’s habitat, driving it toward the seas and a few college towns in between. Meanwhile, the roaches of stupidity are not only breeding, they are walking upright, running for office, and making appearances on cable news shows.

What I’m trying to say is, on the one hand, I’m flattered that you’ve invited me back into the classroom. I had hoped that as you discovered the mysteries of the universe, you would recognize my little touches—DNA, quarks and neutrinos, female orgasm. I was a bit miffed by the whole “God is dead” thing, and maybe that’s why I’ve kept silent for so long while this was occurring.

But enough is enough. The Bible is not the creation handbook. If the Old Testament writers had gotten the story perfect, I wouldn’t have had to send junior down to clean things up.

Use the sense I gave you, for crying out loud. The fossil record, the carbon dating, the movement from simpler to more complex creatures— I’ve dropped more clues than an Encyclopedia Brown story. All that evidence is a message from me: you may be in my image now, but you sure didn’t start out that way.

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we rioting?

Special au Francais edition

10) Encountered one snooty French waiter too many.
9) Getting in a practice run before next year’s World Cup.
8) Tired being forced to speak with those outrageous accents.
7) Espresso was replaced with Folger’s Crystals.
6) Wanted to give right-wing bloggers a big anti-Islam boner.
5) Can no longer tolerate production of wine in a box.
4) Finally found something we do better than Americans.
3) Assumed government would immediately surrender.
2) Fed up with all the cheap French jokes.
1) Because instead of voicing our grievances through nonviolent civil disobedience, we’d rather set shit on fire.

I'm beginning to suspect my wife is having an affair

Saw this sign in the window of my local grocery store:

Help wanted in the Meat Department. Must be 18.

So typical, I work to support her while she finishes her novel, then she trades me in for someone younger and girthier.

CIA Subjecting Detainees to Sitcom Torture

Agents using "dangerous" doses of laugh tracks, Urkel



Stacked, starring Pamela Anderson, is one of the sitcoms allegedly used to torture terror detainees.

WASHINGTON - In the latest of a stunning series of revelations on tactics being used in the War on Terror, a new story alleges that American interrogators are subjecting terror suspects to sitcom abuse.

Seymour Hersh, writing for The New Yorker, broke the story. According to sources at both the Central Intelligence Agency and the Department of Defense, American officials have subjected detainees to hours and hours of stale setups, horrific punch lines, and endless streams of canned laughter.

Detainees are usually put in a stress position, strapped into an easy chair with the remote barely out of their reach. Interrogators offer to let them change the channel in exchange for information.

"You would be amazed at how quickly they break," said one Defense Intelligence Agency official who wished to remain anonymous. "After back-to-back episodes of Two and a Half Men, these guys are practically begging to drive us to their next sleeper cell meeting."

Two and a Half Men stars Charlie Sheen as an actor looking for a permanent cure for herpes.

Stacked, in which Pamela Anderson plays a bookstore employee, is particularly effective at eliciting confessions, said the Defense Department source. "Usually, they start saying something like, ‘this is ridiculous, this woman would never work in a bookstore.’ Then they start criticizing the cliched casting of the heavier brunette girl as the wisecracking comic foil to Ms. Anderson. By the third act, they’re having seizures and soiling themselves."

The story came to light after three prisoners allegedly committed suicide while enduring a marathon session of The Ropers. "There were supposed to be controls in place," said an anonymous CIA agent. "No early Fox sitcoms, no talking puppets, and absolutely no Norman Fell. But that’s what happens when you start to bend the rules. Before you know it, you’re taping up a guy’s eyelids so he can’t blink during Small Wonder."

In his story, Hersh also interviewed several psychiatric experts about the long-term side effects of bad sitcom interrogation.

"The human brain can only absorb so many bad jokes," said Professor Roy Hinkley of New York’s Sherwood Schwartz Institute. "Over a sustained period of time, our research has shown that a steady stream of contrived fish-out-of-water scenarios and butt jokes can actually inflict irreparable damage to the humor sensors.

"Plus they cause anal warts in laboratory animals."

The White House refused to confirm or deny Hersh’s story. Referencing one of the shows mentioned by Hersh’s sources, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "Even if this story was true, I don’t see the issue," he said. "After all, dozens of people have watched Herman’s Head with no ill effects."

While none of his sources would go on record stating so, Hersh says that the government is covertly supporting certain sitcoms specifically for the interrogation program. "There’s a reason why Joey is still in production, and it’s not for entertainment purposes."

Dear Brando: Loyal employee questions whether to put ass on the line for boss

DEAR BRANDO:
I am in a real pickle. I was recently indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice. I know what I did was wrong and that I broke the law. However, I did it because I was protecting my boss. He’s been really great to me and lets me take on a lot of responsibilities I’m not technically supposed to have. When I told him what was happening, he said he could talk to his boss and probably get me out of jail if I get convicted. Should I come clean and save myself, or keep his name out of it and hope he can set me free?
Scootin’ Toward the Slammer


Dear Scootin’:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from The Shawshank Redemption, it’s that prison isn’t like it is in the movies. It’s a tough place where you could be forced to tar roofs in the summer or do the guards’ tax returns or give up your butt cherry to other prisoners in the laundry. That goes double if you’re a thin, educated white guy with a kid’s nickname.

With that in mind, there’s a good chance you will get traded around the cell block for a pack of smokes or an extra serving of meat loaf. My advice: cut a deal and sing like a canary. Better to let your boss save his own ass than put yours in front of a conga line in the prison shower. Good luck!


DEAR BRANDO:
Can you settle a dispute for me and a buddy? He says that Hurricane Katrina showed that the President hates black people. I say that he doesn’t and that the hurricane was an act of God. Which is it?
A Question From Two Quarters


Dear Two Quarters:
You’re both wrong. The President hates poor people, and God hates the President. That’s why He keeps messing with him and telling him to do a lot of stupid stuff.


DEAR BRANDO:
I have a major relationship issue. A few weeks ago, I started courting this woman. We had been friends for a long time, and she thought I was really cool and smart, and I thought maybe we should take our relationship to the next level. When my friends found out that we were going to be together, they went nuts. They started saying all this bad stuff about her, telling me over and over again that she was bad news. At first I thought they were just being mean, but the more I heard, the more I thought they might be right. When I asked my lady about it, she got so mad that she called the courtship off. Did I do the right thing?
G Dub in DC


Dear G Dub:
My first reaction to this was no, you didn’t do the right thing. I was going to tell you that you were a spineless, wishy-washy cad more concerned with what your so-called friends thought than a woman who was clearly into you. I thought that you should have your black heart split in two and served to you on a plate so you could get a small taste of what your friends did to her.

But when I re-read your letter, I noticed something else. Hesitation. Reluctance. Affection that was clearly one-sided. I realized that the answer is clear. You should never have courted this woman in the first place. In fact, you probably don’t feel comfortable courting women at all. G Dub, you may not consciously know this now, but it’s obvious that you would feel much more comfortable courting guys.

So apologize to the lady, tell her the truth, and move on to asking a man to assume that special position in your life.


CONFIDENTIAL TO KH: Get out of that relationship before your husband’s Thetan eats your baby.


Dear Brando is written by Dr. I. Ellsworth "Cooter" Brando, Esq. Click here to send a question via e-mail, or leave one in the comments below. And be sure to buy his new book, It Hurts When I Pee: What to Do When You’re Left With More Than a Broken Heart.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we spend our Halloween?

*Bonus deleted inside jokes.

12) Chopped up fornicating teenagers.
11) Wore same costume from last Halloween, National Guardsman on Extended Deployment.
10) Horrified by brutal remake of The Fog.
9) Locked inside House of Born-Again Parents Who Forbid Trick-or-Treating.
8) Channeled power of Satan to deliver second Ace on the turn and vanquish pocket Kings.*
7) Spiked the Halloween punch with spikes.
6) Frightened uteruses nationwide with our new judicial nominee.
5) Cleaned tricky egg yolks off the front door after giving out fruit treats.
4) Pursued by terrifying, relentless special prosecutor.
3) Stuck pins in our Kirkus Reviews Voodoo Doll.*
2) Found out the hard way that gal in kitty costume was actually a tomcat.
1) Used Ouija Board to compose this week’s GOP talking points.

New Supreme Court Nominee Passes Speaking-in-Tongues Litmus Test

Officially accepts Bush’s invitation in Latin, Greek, and Aramaic



Judge Samuel Alito, pictured here with President Bush, acknowledges that a woman’s womb, "should be treated like WMD and carefully controlled by the government."

WASHINGTON — President Bush selected a new nominee to the Supreme Court today, picking conservative judge Samuel Alito to succeed retiring judge Sandra Day O’Connor.

Working frantically after the collapse of the Harriet Miers nomination, the President stayed up way past his bedtime last night, rigorously questioning Judge Alito before offering him the nomination.

"The President and Judge Alito covered a variety of legal and ethical topics," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "Once the President began to discuss Roe v. Wade, Judge Alito's eyes rolled back into his head and he began to bah like a sheep. The President felt that demonstration showed Judge Alito was sufficiently filled with The Holy Spirit to sit on the Supreme Court."

Unlike Ms. Miers, who lacked even kangaroo court experience, Judge Alito spent fifteen years as a judge and nearly thirty in public legal service. He is most noted for his philosophy of universally reducing the power of the government in every area except in people's private lives. His Italian-American heritage and conservative views of women’s reproductive rights earned him the nickname, "Il Douche."

The nomination immediately drew praise from conservatives who had lashed out at President Bush for the Miers nomination. Ann Coulter, columnist and perhaps the harshest critic of Miers, said, "I couldn't be more erect."

Political analyst Robert Novak, reached for comment at his crypt, said, "It is nice to see the President get back to the anti-women, anti-poor roots of conservatism." Citing "top government sources," Mr. Novak also acknowledged that Ms. Miers had withdrawn because she had attempted to buy enriched uranium from Saddam Hussein.

The most important approvals of Judge Alito’s nomination are coming from Republican Congressmen who had threatened to block the Miers nomination. Senator Trent Lott—after saying earlier this week that he hoped the President, "would look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority that he can find"—expressed his approval of Altino, saying, "I am very glad the President went with my first choice, a white man."

At a prayer breakfast this morning for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Conservatives, Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas could not contain his enthusiasm, exclaiming, "Praise the Lord and pass the nomination." He then rubbed his nipples.

Democrats were noticeably downbeat about the nomination of a more strident conservative. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, the Nevada Democrat, called Altino "too radical," just before Homeland Security officials had him gagged and handcuffed.

Mysterious World Series Curse Killer Strikes Again

Police Shocked by Swiftness of Crime


CHICAGO, October 27 -- Police and agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigation once again have an October murder on their hands.

One year after striking in Boston, the World Series Curse Killer has claimed another victim, the Curse of the Chicago White Sox. The attack happened last night on the city's South Side at approximately 10:30 p.m., after the White Sox ended an eighty-eight-year-old drought as baseball's champions.

"At this time, we don’t have any leads," said Captain Karl Leujinski of the Chicago Police Department. "We are completely flabbergasted that this happened."

Federal officials were called in once the Chicago White Sox reached the series. "Last year, we thought we might have been dealing with a lone incident," said Special Agent Peter Johnson. "Once these playoffs began, however, we started receiving tips and information that a similar incident could occur. Seeing as this matter now crossed state lines, the Chicago PD deemed it prudent to seek our help."

Members from the FBI's Behavioral Science Unit were present at Chicago's U.S. Cellular Field, searching for clues. While acknowledging that the agency believed the same killer was behind both the Boston and Chicago Curse killings, they were reluctant to label the perpetrator a serial killer.

"So far, what we do know is that the killer is male, he works very quickly, achieving his results within as few games as possible, and he shows a preference for American League targets," said Agent Johnson. He refused to confirm a rumor that the killer could be a designated hitter.

However, investigators are now reopening the case of the infamous New York Mets case of 1986 to see if that was the work of the same individual. "I can’t comment, but we are reviewing the similarities," said Johnson.

The killings have taken a large personal toll as well. Larry "Sully" Sullivan, a Boston native and close, long-time acquaintance of the Red Sox Curse, recalls how shocked he was by last year's brutal attack.

"All my life, I’ve been around the Curse, you know?" said Sullivan, his voice trembling with emotion. “You never thought this day would come where you couldn't see it no more. It was a part of us. And since it’s been gone, it’s like...you can’t describe the hole that leaves, the void where you used to complain about your team and moan about the dumb front office and the stupid coaches. The Curse brought us together, made us feel special. Now we’re just like everyone else."

The murder of the White Sox Curse does not seem to have quite the same effect, as that Curse lived a more isolated, lonely life. But LaMar Harrison of Joilet, Illinois, a White Sox fan, still can't believe what he witnessed. "If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I’d say it was crazy talk. It makes me nervous. If the White Sox Curse isn't safe, no Curse is safe."

The FBI refuses to confirm or deny reports that the World Series Curse Killer has left a clue about his next victim, a red “C” in a toilet at U.S. Cellular Field. According to Agent Johnson, "We will get this guy before he strikes again. We are pursuing leads nationwide. It is my sincerely belief that next year, we will be celebrating the Series in Yankee Stadium instead of conducting an investigation in Wrigley or Jacobs Fields."

Report Reveals Bush Had Bin Laden Cornered at Castle Aaagh

Elusive terrorist mastermind had help from French-speaking soldiers; Bush changed tactics mid-battle.


A still from a military spy drone showing one of bin Laden's accomplices at Castle Aaagh. The French government has denied involvement of their citizens, stating that "expert analysis of their outrageous accents shows the men were almost certainly from Quebec."


WASHINGTON, DC (AP)--For years, reporters and the public have questioned the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden and why the United States has failed to capture him. Now a new, formerly classified report leaked to the press corps offers a stunning glimpse of how close American forces were to capturing him--and how the War on Terror took a very different turn.

According to the report, comprised of CIA reports and songs from undercover bards, in 2003, the President--mounted on his trusty steed, Condi--stumbled across the isolated Castle Aaagh while moving through the Afghan countryside in search of al Qaeda. The President had been seeking the castle since it was mentioned in one cryptic communication from a source, identified by the government only as, "J of A."

Closing on the fortifications along with the Members of His Cabinet, the President saw bin Laden atop the battlements. The Saudi Arabian-born bin Laden, wanted in connection with the horrific 9/11 bombings, dashed out of sight and was replaced by a uniformed French soldier.

"Hello, who is it that is trying to force his way into our back door?" asked the French commander.

"It is I, President Bush, Lord of all America," replied Bush. "I demand that you turn over Osama bin Laden to me immediately."

"We have no bin Laden left, it ran out last Tuesday," replied the French commander. "Would you like some fois grois instead?"

According to eyewitnesses, after several more denials, the President threatened to level the castle if the occupants did not give up bin Laden.

"You don't scare me, so-called President Bush, you and your knee-bent-running-about Members of your Ca-binnnnnn-ay," the commander taunted. "Your father was a wimp, and your mother smelt of testosterone!"

At that moment, using a hidden catapult, the French launched a cow at the American forces. The President galloped to safety on Condi, but Vice President Cheney's mount, Scooter, was crushed to death while pushing his master out of the impact radius.

In a terrific battle, the President and his men launched a direct assault on Castle Aaagh, but the walls proved impregnable. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld attempted to wrestle the castle into submission, to no avail.

Calling for a retreat, the President regrouped and discussed the best plan of attack. CIA Director George Tenet, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, after reviewing the available intelligence, recommended that the President abandon the siege on Aaagh and instead attack the Castle Anthrax. They claimed that the castle was secretly hiding WMD, could attack the President's kingdom at any moment, and was a much better hard target than bin Laden.

"I have seen visions of the weapons myself, my lord," Tenet told Bush. "'Tis a slam dunk."

After a slight delay while the President looked for his coconut shells, they set out for Castle Anthrax. During the long journey, while trapped by snow in the high mountains, they were forced to eat Secretary of State Colin Powell's minstrel. An anonymous source reported that there was much rejoicing, but the White House denies that claim.

Upon reaching Castle Anthrax, the President and his men saw a giant mobile bioweapons facility high above the tallest tower. They charged immediately. Expecting to meet terrible resistance, they instead encountered a fortress filled with young women between the ages of sixteen and nineteen. Eyewitness reports even state that the American forces were warmly greeted as liberators.

The President insisted that the castle residents reveal the location of their weapons of mass destruction. The castle leader, a woman known as "just Zoot," stated that what the President had seen was their beacon, which was WMD-shaped. "Many others have made that mistake," she confessed, "including a Swedish fellow who stopped by a few months ago."

Ms. Zoot was referring to Hans Blix, the United Nations Weapons Inspector who was investigating Castle Anthrax until his beheading by a ferocious rabbit.

President Bush refused to believe that the fortress was free of WMD and ordered his men to remain in Castle Anthrax and the surrounding grounds until they found the weapons. He also refused to accept Ms. Zoot's compromise offer of severe, intensely monitored sanctions of spanking.

That change in the War on Terror has since led to a long, hard occupation of Castle Anthrax. The Americans have not uncovered any weapons of mass destruction despite invasive interrogations of the civilians. The aggressive actions of the Castle Anthrax residents have also distracted U.S. forces from their quest. American soldiers are routinely ensnared by Improvised Lingerie Devices and blown away by the fanatical blondes and brunettes, who sometimes converge on soldiers in groups.

The revelation of the Aaagh Report, as it has become known, set off a political firestorm. Democrats have condemned the President for abandoning the siege of Aaagh, with Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) describing the invasion of Castle Anthrax as, "a clear abuse of supreme executive power."

The White House claims the report is "speculative", with President Bush even calling it "misuninformed." Dealing with aggressive questioning from the media at a press briefing this morning, press secretary Scott McClellan refused to comment on the report and denied accusations that the White House was living in a fantasy world.

Top Ten Tuesdays: New provisions in the Iraqi constitution

Now with extra freedom edition!

11) Government has complete authority to do whatever the US says.
10) The right of the people to make really cheap gas shall be encouraged big time.
9) Two-thirds majority required to ratify a jihad.
8) A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of the state, shall not be blown up.
7) Citizens shall receive a writ of habeas corpus or their next brutal interrogation is free.
6) Judiciary allowed to bestow official scapegoat status to Jews.
5) Government shall recognize the Kurds' right to breathe.
4) The President is empowered to negotiate own release when kidnapped.
3) Parliament shall make no law respecting establishment of religion unless so dictated by Allah.
2) No gay marriage.
1) Upon ratification, Iraq shall officially change its name to Dubyahstan.

I apologize for the excessive semen references this week, but sometimes the jokes write themselves

Revealed by the Page 2 Intern at ESPN:

Porn legend GINGER LYNN has astounded fans of veteran actor CHARLIE SHEEN - by selling the pearl necklace he gave her when they were an item.

My guess is that she'll get jack squat for it...

Greenspan: Porn Inflation Triggering Rapid Devaluation of Money Shots

Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan warns that the ongoing international money-shot situation could "turn into a full-blown crisis that smacks us right in the face without warning."

WASHINGTON, Oct. 19--Testifying in front of a Congress deeply concerned about America wilting in the adult entertainment arena, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan stated that international inflation of pornography is causing a devaluation of on-screen ejaculations--more commonly known as money shots.

"After close, intensive, repeated study by myself and my colleagues, we have categorically found that the money shot is not providing the levels of stimulation it once did," Greenspan said.

Greenspan went on to blame the reduction of money shot potency on cheap foreign labor, most notably from Eastern Europe, as well as new Internet distribution methods that bypass traditional bricks-and-mortar merchants for home delivery. "This combination of market penetration and easy access has greatly reduced GDPP--Gross Discharge Per Penis."

For the average adult entertainment consumer, this devaluation means more money shots will be required to procure a satisfactory payoff for services rendered. "It used to be, back in the days of Deep Throat or Behind the Green Door, that you'd have a 1:1 or maybe 2:1 money-shots-per-scene ratio, and that was more than enough for most consumers," said Cock Hudson, star of such films as To Have and Have Again and Howard's Rear End. Hudson currently heads the industry watchdog group the Center for Universal Masturbation. "Now, with the Russians flooding the market with cheap semen, ratios of five- or ten-ejaculations per scene are becoming commonplace, and consumers are demanding even more. It's just nuts."

The biggest victims of this inflationary crisis are older adult stars who had counted on their previous output to propel them through retirement. "Pardon my French, but I'm fucked," said Ron Jeremy, star of such films as 21 Hump Street and To Live and Shave in LA. "I was counting on my splooge residuals from the 80s and 90s to carry me for the rest of my life. Now my retirement account is as depleted as my nutsack after filming Sgt Pecker's Lonely Hearts Club Gang Bang. These foreign guys are just pumping out jizz with little regard for current supply or standards. And our government is letting it happen."

Female performers are also absorbing some of the blows to the industry. "I'm working longer hours and receiving more money-shots than ever, but I'm making less and less," said actress Brandi Creams. "Five years ago, if you had told me I'd be getting five payoffs per feature, I'd have told you I'd be a rich lady. Today, an international star like Svetlana Slutinski gets five money shots per scene. We can't compete."

When questioned about the market saturation of foreign-made ejaculate, the Department of Commerce released this statement: "We are investigating the situation. Our hard drives are full of data and we will release our copious findings after more group analysis."

Hudson isn't counting on much government action. "There's not a whole lot they can do about the international distributors overfilling the market. Consumers like it now, but soon they're going to get very little bang for their buck. I know one recent film, Boris Ballsnakov's Backdoor Bimbo Blast-Off 37, delivered 42 money shots in one scene. At that point, it's actually more cost-effective to use your imagination."

Top Ten Tuesdays: Differences between Harriet Miers and a bowl of fruit

10) The bowl of fruit can tickle our taste buds.
9) The bowl of fruit cannot tickle the President’s balls.
8) The bowl of fruit will turn brown if left out.
7) The bowl of fruit will not overturn Roe v. Wade.
6) The bowl of fruit is less colorful than Ms. Miers’s wardrobe.
5) The bowl of fruit is more colorful than Ms. Miers’s résumé.
4) The bowl of fruit has inspired great painters.
3) The bowl of fruit has not inspired great protests.
2) The bowl of fruit is harder to have a secret conference call with.
1) The bowl of fruit is easier to swallow.

Top Ten Tuesdays: What are we doing while our wives are out of town?

Special Home Alone bonus footage edition!

10) Having a tea party with the cats.
9) Trying to get rid of crumpet stain on wife's dress that we were wearing during the tea party.
8) Playing enough video games to pull off difficult carpal-tunnel/epileptic-seizure power combo.
7) Accepting invitation from local sorority to be a judge at their dick-sucking contest.
6) Waking up next to an empty bucket of chicken after having the dick-sucking contest dream again.
5) Watching football nonstop until the announcers pause to ask us, “Are you going to wash today?”
4) Sowing some wild oats because we forgot to buy more cereal.
3) Going on a spirit walk after dinner of Cheez Whiz and whip cream.
2) Putting on the Lifetime Network for a few minutes, just to get a little estrogen in the house.
1) Remembering why we are glad we aren’t single anymore.

Misunderestimated: The George W. Bush Story

Coming sooner than you think to a theater near you...

No one believed he could be elected. No one believed it when he was.

Starring...

Lewis Black as Richard Cheney

Skeletor as Karl Rove

Nicole Kidman as Laura Bush

Tara Reid as Jenna Bush

Lindsay Lohan as Not-Jenna Bush*
*Not-Jenna is a trademark of TBogg, Inc.

Bea Arthur as Old Scary Bush

The Donald as Donald Rumsfeld

Count Floyd as Paul Wolfowitz

Dave Chappelle as Condoleeza Rice

James Earl Jones as Colin Powell

Horatio Sanz as Alberto Gonzalez

Treebeard as Al Gore

Abe Vigoda as Joseph Lieberman

Steven Carrell as John Kerry

Bruce Willis as John McCain

The Norwegian Blue Parrot as Scott McClellan

Gary as Ken Mehlman

Crispin Glover as Ann Coulter

Rob Schneider as Jeff Gannon

and featuring
William J. LePetomaine
as President George W. Bush

---

Directed by Leni Riefenstahl

Written by George Orwell

Produced by William Renquist, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Saundra Day O’Connor, Anthony Kennedy, and Katherine Harris

---

Praise for Misunderestimated

"Heh, Indeed." — Instapundit

"As compelling as the life of Christ." — Michael Medved

"I masturbated four times." — Sean Hannity

"This movie made me higher than a kite." — Rush Limbaugh

"Best! Movie!! Ever!!!" — Harriet Miers

"My opinion on this movie will be shaped by the law of the United States." — Chief Justice John Roberts

"Lewis Black? Go fuck yourself!" — Dick Cheney

Rated NS-RT

Not suitable for anyone with an IQ over room temperature.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we squander our political capital?

Sequel to the best-selling original Top Ten Tuesday list!

10) Gave our most fervent followers too much batshit, not enough crazy.
9) Extended shooting schedule on expensive remake of Alexander the Great’s march through Persia.
8) Ran up our uncle’s credit card.
7) Invested in risky not-giving-a-shit-about-black-people futures.
6) Racked up a lot of frequent flier miles to Crawford.
5) Spent stupid money on intelligent design.
4) Got hit with extra roaming charges from extended conversations about CIA identities.
3) Paid up after picking wrong nut in Axis of Evil shell game.
2) Received huge bill to clean up Santorum after getting DeLayed.
1) Incurred four years of interest after not paying back the guy who loaned us that capital.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Yog Sothoth

Via Maud Newton:

A spot-on parody of Jack Chick's zapf-dingbats-Bible-thumping cartoons and H.P. Lovecraft. More fun that a bucket full of 20-sided dice.

I will be getting off my ass blogging more this week.

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why have our movies been tanking at the box office?

Hollywood is in a major slump in 2005. What’s causing more and more people to stay away from the theater?

10) Orlando Bloom not nearly as sexy without the pointy ears.

9) Spending two hours in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory felt like spending two hours in Michael Jackson.

8) Laid up by a bad case of the clap after too many wedding crashes.

7) Audiences never really clicked with “pay twice as much for movies that are twice as shitty as the originals” strategy.

6) Quantum suckitude of last Star Wars movie created dense repulsion field around theaters.

5) Most 40-year-old virgins now masturbate to naked starlets from the comfort of home.

4) Box office receipts directly tied to Nicolas Cage’s hairline.

3) Filmmakers no longer make feel-good movies about greased Caucasian men mowing down hordes of anonymous brown people.

2) If we want to sit in something sticky while paying $10 to see Rob Schneider humiliate himself, we’ll just go to Adam Sandler’s house.

1) Not enough puppet sex.

Unlike Tom DeLay, I've never been indicted

A CJSD guest editorial by a Ham Sandwich


“A good prosecutor can indict a ham sandwich.”

That’s what a lot of conservative pundits are saying about Tom DeLay’s indictments. The implication is that indictments mean nothing, since you could theoretically indict me.

Frankly, these DeLay apologists are full of bologna.

For the record, I have never been indicted of anything. My father, who was also a ham sandwich, was never indicted. My grandfather, his father, his father’s father...all ham sandwiches, all clean. What about my sandwich friends? Let’s put it this way: the only reason they’ve ever stood before a grand jury was because there were catered.

In fact, no sandwich has ever been charged with a crime. It’s therefore an insult to the greater LMC (Lunch Meat Community) to compare us to a politician who is sleazier than an expired pimento loaf.

I’m especially bothered by the comparison because sandwiches have served this country loyally and honestly for generations. We have fueled legislative sessions, business meetings, school lunch programs, and late-night snack-attacks. Long before the Civil Rights Movement, the LMC welcomed breads of all creeds and colors, from the darkest Jewish rye to the lightest Protestant white. Even today, we continue to bridge the political gap in this country, providing sustenance to Republican and Democrat alike. We are America’s hardest working meal.

Certainly there are some bad lunch meats out there, even in my family. I had a Honey Baked Ham uncle who fell in with some shady Italian Salami. The Salamis told him they were going to make him into a sandwich, lured him to a lower Manhattan deli, and sliced him up. Some of my Corned Beef cousins were used by the IRA and later were destroyed in a Belfast apartment explosion. And I would never, under any circumstances, want to come in contact with Head Cheese.

But even these raw meats, growing up without the advantages of bread and condiments, have never been indicted. If no grand jury could find fault with them, would they press forward against a delicious, well-behaved sandwich? I believe they would pass the mustard and hold the indictment.

So to all you writers and commentators out there who have placed us on the same plate as Tom DeLay, ruining the good name of me and my kind, I’ve got two words for you:

Eat me.


The Ham Sandwich is currently employed as a deli industry lobbyist and was once considered a vegetable by Ronald Reagan.

The Little Elian That Could

I wrote this sketch five years ago when I was going through the writing program at Second City, right after Elian was taken away by the feds and sent back to his father in Cuba. Since 60 Minutes broadcast an update on Elian this evening, I thought I'd dig this out. Hope you enjoy it, and viva la revolucion!


The Little Elian That Could

We're in a brightly colored room where pictures of Castro, apparently drawn by young children, hang from the walls. There's a large, comfortable reading chair with the Cuban flag painted on it in the middle of the room. COMRADE WINKY, a man in clown make-up and an olive green military uniform, enters and smiles. He is holding a book.

WINKY
Buenas dias, boys and girls. Welcome again to Uncle Fidel's Super Happy Time Story Hour. I'm Comrade Winky. Today, we have a wonderful story about a brave little boy named Elian. It's a story about how our Uncle Fidel takes care of all his little worker nieces and nephews.

Winky sits in the chair, opens the book, and begins to read.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Elian. He loved his daddy. He loved to play. And he loved to fight against capitalist oppression for his Mother Cuba and his Uncle Fidel.

As Winky reads, we dissolve to a Cuban beach at midnight. ELIAN stands next to his MOTHER, her face painted green like a witch's. Elian is crying.

MOTHER
Elian! It's time to go!

ELIAN
But I don't wanna. I want my daddy. I want my Uncle Fid--

MOTHER (raising her hand like she's going to slap him)
Don't say his name. Now get down to the raft. We're going to...THE UNITED STATES.

ELIAN
Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Cut back to Winky reading.

WINKY
Elian cried all the way to the raft. He didn't want to leave his daddy and Mother Cuba. He didn't want to go to the evil land of the Americans, who ate little boys they didn't like and used their bones for toothpicks.

Cut to Elian sitting by himself on a raft. Two DOLPHINS swim around him.

WINKY (VO)
Soon, Elian's mother and the other traitors to the workers of the world drowned in the boiling sea. Elian stood alone on the raft when two dolphins came to rescue him.

DOLPHIN 1
Elian! Follow us.

DOLPHIN 2
Don't be afraid, Elian -- we'll save you.

Elian stops crying and starts to laugh at the dolphins.

ELIAN
Okay, Mr. Dolphin. (He leans over and pets the dolphin.) Can you lead me back home, to my beloved Cuba?

DOLPHIN 1 (sinister)
Oh, don't worry, my sweet Elian. We'll take you home.

WINKY (VO)
What Elian didn't know is that these were American dolphins, tools of the capitalist fisherman who steal fish from Mother Cuba's ocean. They took Elian to Miami -- to his wicked great uncle Lazaro.

Elian stands in the backyard of LAZARO'S Miami home. Lazaro, his face painted witch green, stands next to him, holding a gift-wrapped box.

WINKY (VO)
Lazaro and the other bad relatives tried to trick Elian into being like them. But little Elian was too smart for them.

LAZARO
Go ahead, Elian -- open it up.

Elian tears open the package and opens a box. He pulls out a pair of Nikes.

LAZARO
Nice, eh, Elian? Go ahead and try them on.

ELIAN
Okay I will. (He starts to put them on and stops.) Wait, I cannot. These were made with the blood of the workers. Take them back -- and take me back to Mother Cuba!

LAZARO
Curses!

WINKY (VO)
Try as they might, Elian's evil relatives couldn't make him into a tool of the American capitalists. So they decided that if he wouldn't join them....

Dissolve to Lazaro and MARISLEYSIS, Elian's cousin, stand around a boiling cauldron.

Then they would eat him!

MARISLEYSIS
He didn't want the Nikes?

LAZARO
No. He didn't want the shoes, the Tonka trucks, the Teletubbies dolls -- he didn't even want to watch Stuart Little on the TV.

MARISLEYSIS
What?! What kind of boy doesn't want to watch Stuart Little.

LAZARO
A little boy who loves his Mother Cuba and his Uncle Fidel more than anything in the world, that's who.

MARISLEYSIS
Well, if we cannot break him, then we will BOIL him!

They laugh maniacally as we dissolve to Elian sitting in front of the television.

WINKY (VO)
But little Elian didn't give up hope. He kept thinking about returning to his Uncle Fidel, returning to fight the exploitation of the United States. And because he was a good, loyal little boy, his wishes were going to come true.

BILL CLINTON (VO, coming from the TV)
I understand the pain of Juan Miguel Gonzalez. I also have felt the pain of separation from my children, when my daughter Chelsea left for Stanford....

ELIAN
Please, el presidente, please send me back to my Uncle Fidel.

Some smoke begins to form in the room. JANET RENO, dressed like Glenda the Good Witch, appears.

ELIAN
Who are you?

RENO
I am your Fairy Godcomrade, Janet. Do not be afraid, Elian. We will return you to Cuba.

ELIAN
Yay!

RENO
Just remember to say the magic phrase: "There's no system like Communism, there's no system like Communism."

ELIAN
When?

RENO (dissolving her voice trailing off into an echo)
You will know the time. And remember to hold your breath...hold your breath...hold your breath....

WINKY (VO)
Would the Fairy Godcomrade be able to save Elian? Or would he suffer the fate of all good Cuban boys in the greedy clutches of America?

Marisleysis stirs the cauldron while Lazaro holds Elian above the steaming liquid. Elian, while stuggling to get free, remains calm in the face of danger.

MARISLEYSIS (cackling)
Just a few minutes more, and the pot will be ready. It's your last chance, Elian. Do you want to stay in the US

ELIAN
Never! I want to go back to Mother Cuba! I want Uncle Fidel!

MARYISLEYSIS
Very well -- into the pot with you!

ELIAN
No! There's no system like communism! There's no system like communism!

The AGENTS, dressed in night assault gear, appear in a puff of tear gas. Maryisleysis and Lazaro choke, but Elian holds his breath and is unaffected. The agents approach the cauldron calmly.

AGENT (sounding stiff robatic like Robocop)
We have come for Elian Gonzalez. Please hand him over and no one will be harmed. Thank you for your cooperation.

MARYISLEYSIS (choking)
Quick! Into the pot with him, Lazaro!

AGENT
Please refrain from cooking the boy.

The agent draws his weapon assumes the pose from the famous AP photograph, his gun apparently pointed at Lazaro.

WINKY (VO)
And so the agents returned Elian to Mother Cuba, where he was reunited with his father and with his Uncle Fidel.

Elian stands with his father and Castro.

CASTRO
Elian, you are a shining example for all children in our glorious motherland. For bravery above and beyond the call of duty, I present you with this box of cigars and official Cuban league baseball. Remember how your Mother Cuba never deserted you, especially when you are pressed into mandatory military service.

ELIAN
I won't forget, Uncle Fidel, I promise.

They embrace. We cut back to Winky.

WINKY (closing the book.)
Well, that's all for today, boys and girls. Remember, your Uncle Fidel loves each and every one of you. Tune in next week when our story is, "The Three Little American Bourgeois Pigs." Bye-bye!

The Three-Variable Funny Test

Found this via Dead Frog.

It's a short, simple test that rates Clean/Vulgar, Light/Dark, and Spontaneous/Complex. Try it yourself and see where you end up. I'll put my result in the comments in case you want to take the test first.

The Jeff Gannon New Beginnings Career School

The Poor Man Institute for Freedom, Democracy, and a Pony has discovered what Jeff Gannon—faux reporter/manwich-for-hire—has been up to these days: helping people like Brit Hume transform from space rocks into rock-hard reporters:

For most of the past 3 billion years, I was a large and unspeakably evil asteroid in orbit between Mars and Jupiter. The foul and hellish blackness of my twisted spirit compelled me to torment and destroy all life, but, despite my powerful gravitational field, I was unable to find any victims in the lifeless vacuum of the asteroid belt. I was lost!

Until I found the Jeff Gannon New Beginnings Career School, that is! They set me up with human-like arms, legs, and a torso, and their crack team of cosmetic experts cunningly papered my black and rocky surface with chicken skin, so that, to all appearances, I was simply a middle-aged man who radiated a palpable aura of malignant cruelty and had a head the size of LA county. Now, as a featured anchor on a popular cable news network, I can satisfy my ancient urge to work awful malice by lying my ass off in order to help ensure that hundreds of millions of people will end their days destitute and alone. I couldn’t be happier, and it’s all thanks to Jeff Gannon!

There's much, much more hilarity to be had, in print and via Photoshop. Read the whole thing.

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why are we confirming John Roberts?

10) Not as dreadful as the Dread Pirate Roberts, way more into oral than Oral Roberts.
9) Keeps his Coke can free of stray hairs.
8) Channeled an M. Butterfly complexity to his role as Peppermint Patty.
7) Got a peek inside his legal briefs and were very impressed by his habeas corpus.
6) Fell asleep when he was droning on about case law and accidentally landed on "confirm" button.
5) He's a good Samaritan who always lends a helping hand to his fellow man.
4) Thought he showed a lot of moxie when, no matter how much we begged, he refused to answer any hard questions.
3) Seems like the kind of guy who would ask nicely before seizing control of a woman's reproductive freedom.
2) Unlike the FEMA director, CIA director, cabinet secretaries, attorney general, UN Ambassador, and all the other incompetent, bootlicking, harrumph-giving boobs that keep getting nominated, Roberts seems kinda qualified.
1) It'll hurt a lot less if we just relax and let Bush get it over with.

Available Television Reserves at Emergency Levels

FOR THE PRESIDENT'S EYES ONLY

Agents from Operation SNOW SCREEN warn that recent developments in television broadcasting indicate the available supply of useable, refined television could run out within 5 to 7 years. This could lead to widespread panic, a wave of domestic violence, and, most alarmingly, a deterioration of much-needed voter apathy.

BACKGROUND

The current crisis has its roots in the 1970s, when two major television-production-related-activities occurred. First, there was a rapid proliferation of spin-offs. Responsible programmers followed international safety standards for spin-off refinement, resulting in successful transitions to new shows (e.g. Laverne and Shirley, The Jeffersons). However, due to a spike in demand for recurring characters, broadcasters began producing crude, unrefined spin-offs that wasted creative resources and in some cases seriously endangered the health of viewers (most notably The Ropers, Flo, and Joanie Loves Chachi, which triggered the first television-related security alert in 1982).

More significant was the introduction of cable television. Cable was originally designed as a nude-scene transportation mechanism, running failed R-rated movies ad nauseam. However, it quickly moved from pumping daily reruns of Friday the 13th Part 2 and started siphoning traditional sources of TV programming: news, sports, documentaries and, ominously, original programming. Instead of three suppliers controlling production, 109 rogue broadcasters began doing anything to acquire Nielson points. This triggered a run on creative juices that led to networks rushing low-grade programs to air with little regard for viewer safety.

The next emergency occurred during the previous Bush administration with the debut of America’s Funniest Home Videos. At the time, due to a lack of solid human intelligence in the field, our analysts failed to foresee the near-catastrophic development of programming based on content from viewers. “Battle stations” were ordered and the government began stocking reruns of Cheers to prevent a panic.

Thankfully, the discovery of Must See TV averted disaster. The MSTV products Seinfeld, Friends, and ER provided free, high yield comedy and drama. However, this also produced a false lull as many experts predicted that premium creative juices would remain plentiful and affordable. When Seinfeld inexplicably ceased production in 1998, subsequent efforts to mimic the formula could only produce about 60-65% of the same laugh output (See Tab A: "Why Everyone Doesn’t Love Raymond as Much as Seinfeld"). ER confused viewers by introducing 57 new characters, leading viewers to think the show had actually gone off the air. CSI has temporarily filled the drama gap, but attempts to reproduce that show have met with mixed results (See Tab B: "The Limits of CSI Spin-Off Technology"). Romantic relationships between the characters on Friends repeatedly and blatantly violated the Sexual Tension Act of 1989, more commonly known as the Moonlighting Act, eventually causing the show to be removed from production.

THE CURRENT SITUATION

In 2000, the breakthrough discovery of the Survivor field was prematurely heralded as a fresh, unlimited source of cheap entertainment that could bypass the traditional challenges of refinement and production. This sparked a reality-TV race among the major television powers. While the Survivor field itself remains stable, producers have been unable to find a Survivor-based derivative that doesn’t decay within one season.

Other areas have not yielded any long-term solutions. American Idol is dangerously over-drilling the same area that Star Search did. The Discovery Channel, History Channel, and Learning Channel have likewise exhausted all known sources of documentaries on nature and Hitler. The Home Box Office field, while producing high octane entertainment, remains very expensive to distribute and suffers from a high rate of profanity byproducts. In addition, there are several pressing situations that could result in severe, violent blowback:

• We could face yet another deep recession triggered by public reappearance of Donald Trump’s hair.
• Excessive deregulation of the production of reality TV has produced several new pollutants, most recently Tara Reid.
• We are already T+18 months past critical Jim Belushi mass.

Using our customized BLACKOUT simulator, we have predicted the social consequences of TTVF (Total Television Failure). We have factored in numerous circumstances such as: gun ownership, economic and educational levels, and PTTSB (Proximity to the Super Bowl). The results:

• 57% chance of widespread rioting, with violent civil confrontations over the last DVD copies of Lost and The Sopranos.
• 43% chance of complete ennui. Millions of Americans will simply sit, immobile, in front of blank television sets, unable to go to work or interact with others.
• 17% chance for a dramatic increase in movie attendance. However, the simulator predicted a corresponding 72% chance for widespread rioting after viewers leave these movies.
• 2% chance that peace, productivity, and the collective intelligence of citizenry will increase, which would have incredibly dangerous political consequences.

RECOMMENDATIONS

We immediately recommend implementation of the following actions, taking all covert precautions and ensuring plausible deniability of the government’s involvement:

• Creation of a new channel, TerrorTV. This would provide live feeds from current military operations and/or Arab-owned convenience stores.
• Hybridization of genres. One example would be a political talk/game show called, "Where in the World Is Vice President Cheney?"
• Develop new issue-based situational comedies that, while inane and unfunny, could inflame viewers enough to conceal the lack of entertainment. We have three prototypes in development: "Tax and Spend," "That Homosexual Agenda Show," and "We Gotta Hire a Black Guy."

Finally, if all else fails, we have one final “nuclear option”: we may have to force books on the general population.

I wish my jokes could be this short

...and I swear someone bugged my house.

The love between a husband and wife from Dooce.

“It’s really hot out here.”

“Then why do you have jeans on?”

“Why are you ending sentences with prepositions?”

“Why do you have jeans on, motherfucker?”

For reference, I'm the motherfucker.

Back with more fresh jerking tonight or tomorrow.

Hollywood's pro-corpse-eating-pig agenda

I am kind of on a television kick this week and happened to come across World O' Crap's dissection of Townhall's Emmy predictions. For those of you that don't know, Townhall is the kind of place that can write, "Alan Keyes is running for Senator" without giggling.

The Townhall author, Megan Basham (how appropriate), pretty much decided that only the most vulgar, agenda-driven shows would win because the entertainment industry is just one giant Hate-America Fifth Column. Case in point: her prediction of why Deadwood would win best drama.

It’s amoral, features plenty of nudity and foul language, and depicts white settlers engaging in every kind of reprehensible activity while oppressing an array of innocent minorities--everything the Academy could wish for. It even boasts human-corpse-eating pigs. That plus the fact that nobody watches it makes “Deadwood” a shoe-in.

Of course, as we all know, it was actually the minorities oppressing white folks in the Old West.

Was she right? Is Hollywood corrupting our children via Caucasian-eating pigs on premium cable stations? As WOC points out:

So, Megan ended up correctly predicting two winners out of seven -- proof that Hollywood hates conservatives, the flag, and everything that is good and decent.

Next up, Megan will disucss why The Weather Channel hates George W. Bush.

Top Ten Tuesdays: How did we wind up on a reality TV show?

10) Stopped acting polite, started being a contrived asshole.
9) Quit smoking dope and beating wife long enough to sign development deal.
8) Started doing David Puddy impersonation at the salon
7) Paired head for business with head of monkey’s hair.
6) Discovered the ideal career for an opinionated English twat.
5) Used money from the sex tape to pay for college.
4) Was big, fat, and onboxious.
3) It was the Seinfeld convention circuit or ballroom dancing.
2) Found that perfect blend of Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole.
1) Got lost while looking for Cousin Larry.

"Because you govern like Billy Joel drives"

I have always had a love/hate relationship with Bill Maher. He strikes me as P.J. O'Rourke's younger, more obnoxious brother, but he also can hit one out of the park on occasion. He got the fat of the bat on Bush during a monologue from a few nights ago (thanks to TLB and Sarah W. for the tip).

America must recall the president. That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his job against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky!

I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

Republicans Express Longing for Clinton’s Penis

WASHINGTON, DC—After watching President Bush's approval ratings take a dramatic dip in the wake of the problematic response to Hurricane Katrina, some Republicans are expressing wistfulness over a prominent member of the opposing party.

“Gosh, what I wouldn’t give to have 'Bill Clinton’s penis' coming out of my mouth,” said Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “I wish I was listening to some poor woman describe its shape as the President advanced on her, or discussing what shot out of it onto an intern’s dress. Anything related to his phallus would be music to my ears.”

“No matter what was being talked about, no matter what was happening in the country, you could change the subject with Clinton’s penis,” said Dr. Bill Frist, the Republican Senate Majority Leader. “It was like a magic wand. After what’s happened to President Bush over the Katrina disaster, I wish I could wave Clinton’s penis all over the airwaves right now.”

The genitals of the forty-second president regularly sprang from the headlines during the 1990s. From the pre-election leaking of the Gennifer Flowers scandal, to the up-and-down proceedings of the Paula Jones harassment suit, to the ultimate climax with the Monica Lewinsky imbroglio, Clinton’s penis seemed constantly in the face of the American public.

“It was an exciting time for me,” said Fox News analyst Sean Hannity. “We would spend hours in the production meeting talking about how we were going to handle Clinton’s penis. This is funny, but I really miss it.”

Such a reversal of emotions—from disgust and hatred to longing and desire—are not surprising, says Dr. Melvin Myron, professor of political science at Johns Hopkins University and author of Hard Target: How Clinton’s Penis Ravaged the GOP. “Bill Clinton’s genitals represent a seminal moment for Republicans. Their political fortunes rose with it. They were able to blame everything on it. But once Clinton pulled out of Washington, the Republicans were left with a huge mess on their hands. They discovered that they had, in fact, become Clinton’s penis.”

Post-Clinton, the GOP attempted to make a transition to another prominent Democrat’s genitals. “Ted Kennedy’s have been pretty well used up,” said Mehlman, “and Lieberman’s are too clean cut.” Mehlman adds that the Republicans tried switching genders by targeting California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, but had very little success with their “Pelosi’s Vagina” campaign.

Still, despite the headaches that have followed their insertion into the White House, Republicans remain hopeful that a new Democratic penis can be found. “We’re already gearing up for Hillary in 2008,” says Melhman. “We’ve started our focus groups on the ‘Clintoris.’ But really, we’re hoping the Democrats nominate a penis we can all get behind.”

Top Ten Tuesdays: Why did we get fired resign from FEMA?

10) Our talents were slightly better suited for the Federal Emegency Polo Association.
9) Got the high score in the blame game.
8) Became mixed up and thought Superdome was immune to everything except kryptonite.
7) Even more unqualified for the job than the big boss.
6) We were portrayed as being uncompassionate about the local rabble.
5) Swirling media controversy coupled with rising public outrage mixed with stagnant response led to a perfect Category Five shitstorm.
4) Would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you meddling journalists.
3) Rove asked which kind of "fall guy" we'd like to be while dangling us from balcony.
2) Budget cuts didn't allow us to get ark built in time.
1) We resigned? We haven't been informed of that.

Bush to Investigate Self

Breaking news from Opinions You Should Have:

Speaking of the incredible force of the hurricane and the government's ignorance about the need for quick action in its aftermath, Bush said that there were many questions that needed to be answered.

"What did I not know and when did I not know it?" he said.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

The Corrections

In its story yesterday, “The Real Face of Divorce,” the Times identified Mrs. Smith as the editor’s wife. She is actually the editor’s ex-wife. The Times regrets the error.

In its correction yesterday, the Times said that it regretted the error of identifying Mrs. Smith as the editor’s wife. In fact, the Times has had six months to use the correct label and is playing playing more mind games.

In its correction of two days ago, the Times identified Mrs. Smith as the editor’s ex-wife. Due to an printing error, the full description should have read, “the editor’s vengeful, home-wrecking, pool-boy-shagging ex-wife.”

The Times erred when it said that Mrs. Smith loved her husband. She in fact never loved her husband and only married him to get back at her mother.

Adding to the previous correction, Mrs. Smith was only married for her money.

The article, “The Real Face of Divorce,” identified the editor as a father of two. The story should have said he is only a father of one.

The Times would like to add that Mrs. Smith is a filthy, lying, no-good whore.

Following up on “The Real Face of Divorce,” Mrs. Smith clarifies that the editor must be color-blind, since he didn’t notice the second child’s red hair.

The Times confesses that the paper was a fool for believing Mrs. Smith would never sink so low, and that those walks on the beach or picnics in the park or the surprise trip to Aruba must not have meant anything to her.

Previously, Mrs. Smith was quoted as saying she did not love the editor. She now retracts that statement.

In the aforementioned story, the Times noted there was no hope of reconciliation. That prediction, while still possible, can no longer be labeled as a fact.

The Times omitted a quote from Mrs. Smith saying that in order for there to be any chance of reconciliation, there needs to be some major changes in the division of labor around the house, child rearing approaches, and mating habits. The Times regrets the omission.

The Times accepts the previous correction. The full story, “The Real Face of Divorce,” has been retracted and replaced with a new one, “The Happy Face of Marriage Counseling.”

The Times was also correct in stating that the editor has two children. The earlier correction was just lashing out.

I bow down before The Daily Show

While I respect The Onion, no one brings the funny quite like The Daily Show. This bit between Jon Stewart and Ed Helms about Katrina cuts like a Ginsu. My favorite:

STEWART: Why is he building a dam in Arkansas?

ED HELMS: Because he's going to fight the water there.

I dream of being half this funny.

Jesus Christ Files for Separation From President Bush

Republicans object, claim Christ trying to score “political points”

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move unprecedented in the 2,000-year history of Christianity, Jesus Christ has formally sought to separate from one of his followers: President George W. Bush.

“I know he accepted me as his personal savior, but I can’t take it anymore,” Jesus said. “I don’t think he understands how to really love me, or work in my name, and frankly I’m tired of trying to show him how.” The deity spoke through his father’s press secretary, the Burning Bush (no relation to the president).

The Messiah cited Bush’s response to the Katrina disaster as the final straw. “When he picked up that guitar, that was it. I’ve made it pretty clear: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. When the Samaritan found a man left for dead by robbers, he didn’t sing him a song.

“I even told him to just get me to New Orleans, give me a couple loaves and fishes, and I would do the rest. But he patted me on the head and told me that we shouldn’t give them fishes because they would never learn to fish on their own. I had to double-check that he wasn’t speaking in tongues.”

However, the Son of God quickly pointed out that the hurricane response was only the latest in a long line of differences with the President.

“I kept saying, over and over again, blessed are the peacemakers, George. We all know how that turned out. Then there was the time I reminded him that it would be easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. The next day, he drastically lowered the upper tax bracket. So screw it, he’s on his own for salvation.”

Representatives for the administration have disputed the legal grounds for the Divine Separation, claiming that Bush merely has to accept Jesus Christ into his heart to be saved. “The President has abided by the rules of evangelical conversion,” said Scott McClellan, the White House spokesperson. “Christ should do the honorable thing and reciprocate.”

White House political advisor Karl Rove disputed that Christ had even been speaking to Bush about matters such as Iraq and tax cuts. “I wouldn’t go so far as to call the King of Kings a fibber,” said Rove. “But I’ve been with the President during every important decision of his administration. I guarantee you the only voice he’s heard is mine.”

Conservative commentators were even more blunt. “Look, with all due respect, can we afford after 9/11 to listen to a guy who says we should turn the other cheek?” asked Bill O’Reilly on his show, The O’Reilly Factor. “Why doesn't Christ just paint a big bullseye on America?”

“I have heard from two administration sources that Mary Magdalene was actually a secret employee of MoveOn.org,” wrote columnist Robert Novak in The Weekly Standard. “I’m not suggesting that Jesus is evil, but his words and actions appear to be influenced by those who would harm America.”

Despite the outcry over the separation, the Lord does hope there will be a peaceful settlement. “I’m very open,” said Jesus. “I’ve told him that he’s free to see other saviors, and that he can keep all of his material possessions. I just want out of this relationship.”

Top Ten Tuesdays: Excuses the government is making about Katrina

10) When we were told the poor didn't have the means to evacuate, we thought they meant "in style."
9) Media's early stories about potential levee breaks were just liberal bias.
8) I tried to run back to Washington as fast as I could, but I had blisters from my new heels.
7) Figured the underprivileged would enjoy the free upgrade to refugee status.
6) I didn’t see the people in the convention center because Katrina’s gales blew my head up my ass.
5) We have very little experience dealing with roving bands of armed individuals in a chaotic urban situation.
4) Look, taking care of the poor, tired, and huddled masses is her job.
3) You try coming up with a coherent evacuation plan after five weeks of vacation.
2) Mistakenly assumed that whites would do the honorable thing and also evacuate their servents.
1) Don't blame me, I learned how to respond to these things from my dad.

Maybe we could get some government intervention if we had some anthrax

by Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans


Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what do we have to do to get some government action around here? We’ve got floods. We’ve got starvation. We’ve got gunfire. We’ve got fire fire. I guess the one thing we’re missing is some anthrax.

If we had anthrax, we’d have 150,000 troops here before I could finish my muffuletta. If we had even some mustard gas—the old WWI stuff, not even the new and improved mustard gas—the freaking Delta Force would swoop in and whisk these asshole looters to Cuba or Egypt or some other place that, before Tuesday, looked like a shithole to me instead of a great place to live. Instead, all we got was a song.

And sarin gas? Don't fucking tease me like that. I can only dream of the government action we’d get down here if we had some nerve agent. We might get a rifle brigade on Canal Street and some airlifted MREs. But without even a drop of blister agent, I don’t have a spiderhole to piss in.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: how would a municipality get its hands on some WMD so it could attract the proper federal emergency response? Well, that’s where we really fucked up. We could have gotten intensive, overwhelming government action without owning the actual weapons! All we’d need is a blurry photo of an ice cream truck and a jittery informant and—BOOM—suddenly we’ve got mobile bioweapon labs and an armored escort to the Astrodome. Maybe they'd even let us eat cake.

It’s my fault, really. I was naïve. I always thought that, in the event of a natural catastrophe, or widespread criminal activity, or famine, or disease outbreaks, or all of the above, we’d get a helping hand from Uncle Sam. But now I know: the only way you can get the attention of Washington is if you pretend you can blow it up.