14) Handing our true love a Valentine made out of the restraining order.
13) Asking the representative at 1-800-FLOWERS if they have same-day shipping on baskets of actual broken hearts.
12) Deregulating all of Callista’s activities during alone time even when we use our safe word, “Alinksy.”
11) Grabbing the Hitatchi Magic Wand and an electronic cigarette.
10) Opening a bottle of wine, playing some Carly Simon, getting our sewing needle, spreading out the surveillance photos, and going to town on the voodoo doll.
9) Treating our significant other like the pool boy/au pair.
8) Showing off our extensive collection of half-eaten Valentine’s Day candy on a special episode of Hoarders.
7) Trying out that K-Y stuff before getting kicked out of Target.
6) Going to a restaurant by ourselves, pretending to take a call that our date was killed, and getting a free meal and/or pity sex.
5) Including some sweetheart candies along with the bottle of lotion before lowering the bucket into the well.
4) Sending our spouse a very romantic text message.
3) Throwing steamed milk on every happy couple we serve at Starbucks while yelling, “Now you know what true love really feels like!”
2) Getting Boehner’d without birth control.
1) Wait, it’s Valentine’s Day? Fuck!