Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Top Ten Wednesdays: Why are we outliving non-drinkers?

Special extra case of research edition!

11) Cancer cells way too hung over to report to work

10) Free market approach allows liver to decide what it wants to process

9) Inebriated state increases chances we’ll forget to get sick and die

8) Much more likely to get full eight hours of sleep after passing out at the beginning of the work day

7) Increased cardiovascular exercise due to frequent walks of shame

6) Negative nutritional benefits of late-night eating nullified by positive nutritional benefits of late-night vomiting.

5) Drinkers less likely to suffer from rectal bleeding due to lack of pole up ass about drinking

4) Strengthened immune system due to increased contact with disease-ridden dumpsters, bathroom floors, street gutters, and sexual partners

3) In the event of attack, a shattered beer bottle makes a much more effective weapon than plastic water bottle

2) Existence of irony increases likelihood of the drunkest person surviving a car accident

1) God’s will demands that water be turned into wine and not Propel

20 comments:

Von said...

am going to print this out, and laminate it. and memorize it.
Thanks for this!!

Kathleen said...

hilarious! each one was comedy gold.

did you watch this week's Mad Men? I am still laughing about: "This guy Rutledge killed a guy with a motorboat. You know what gets you over that? drinking."

Jennifer said...

Pickled things always last longer. :)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I'm stealing Jennifer's comment.
~

Substance McGravitas said...

Consumption of alcohol leads to frequent peeing which rids the body of poisons like alcohol.

Brando said...

LOL at Jennifer and at SM's perfect system.

Kathleen, I'm sadly a season behind on Mad Men. I really need to keep up with these shows better.

fish said...

It cracks me up all the time. The science has pretty clearly indicated for many years now that moderate drinking is beneficial. Study after study confirms it. It is actually very rare to have such clear trends and consistent results when it comes to health outcomes. But when they go and ask doctors whether they recommend having a drink every day, the response is almost universally: well, no.

fish said...

Even the article you link to, which is clearly favorable to the results has to put in this paragraph:
The authors of the new paper are careful to note that even if drinking is associated with longer life, it can be dangerous: it can impair your memory severely and it can lead to nonlethal falls and other mishaps (like, say, cheating on your spouse in a drunken haze) that can screw up your life. There's also the dependency issue: if you become addicted to alcohol, you may spend a long time trying to get off the bottle.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

we are a nation descended from Puritans, fish. Anything pleasurable is suspect. Anything unpleasant is good for you.

I have always thought it is one reason the hippie-hatred has been so vituperative and so long-lived; hippies rejected puritanical thought in favor of enjoying life. Hence, they were EVIL!!!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

But when they go and ask doctors whether they recommend having a drink every day, the response is almost universally: well, no.

Oh, well THAT'S okay then. I haven't had a drink this week.

SHIT!! Imma gonna die!! I better make up for it tonight.

Brando said...

it can lead to nonlethal falls and other mishaps (like, say, cheating on your spouse in a drunken haze)

I really hate when alcohol gets blamed for bad behavior. I have been in plenty of drunken hazes. I have even been in drunken hazes around women. And at all times during said haze, I not only knew where my penis was, but was able to keep it stowed away so that it would not ruin my life.

Churlita said...

Yeah, I'm with Brando. I think people use being drunk as an excuse for bad behavior, but it's themselves not the alcohol they should be blaming.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I dunno, I've known some alcohol with clearly evil intentions.

Also, do not follow any advice that the bottle of tequila may give you.

fish said...

Tequila falls into a special category.

Jennifer said...

Also, do not follow any advice that the bottle of tequila may give you.

I'd have to agree with that one. I never thought of myself as someone who would break and enter...

Gin is a close second...

Jennifer said...

Let me clarify... it was an abandoned building...

fish said...

Afterwards.

Brando said...

It was quickly abadonned in the wake of being invaded by a drunk woman with demon rum in her eyes.

MichaelBains said...

You guys are a Constant Classic!

Great list, and add-ons too!

almostinfamous said...

also, 'fitness' water is just regular water with a future guarantee of brimley-friendly sugar/corn syrup