Special extra case of research edition!
11) Cancer cells way too hung over to report to work
10) Free market approach allows liver to decide what it wants to process
9) Inebriated state increases chances we’ll forget to get sick and die
8) Much more likely to get full eight hours of sleep after passing out at the beginning of the work day
7) Increased cardiovascular exercise due to frequent walks of shame
6) Negative nutritional benefits of late-night eating nullified by positive nutritional benefits of late-night vomiting.
5) Drinkers less likely to suffer from rectal bleeding due to lack of pole up ass about drinking
4) Strengthened immune system due to increased contact with disease-ridden dumpsters, bathroom floors, street gutters, and sexual partners
3) In the event of attack, a shattered beer bottle makes a much more effective weapon than plastic water bottle
2) Existence of irony increases likelihood of the drunkest person surviving a car accident
1) God’s will demands that water be turned into wine and not Propel